In love w/her but she might hate me

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by mmhmm.its.me, Nov 23, 2013.

  1. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    Wow…I leave for a while and this whole place changes…not liking the look or the changes but I'll give it a chance to grow on me. Okay this whole thing will be tome-like in its presentation because I'm long winded; it's part of my charm or so I tell myself.

    My junior year in college I moved into the campus apartments above a girl named Bug (her initials are VW so the nickname came naturally for me). I knew of Bug because she played soccer for our school but I'd never spoken to her until we lived in the same apartment building. I learned pretty quickly that Bug was gay and was a lothario as she had a stream of women parading in and out all the time. In college I was certain I was straight, I had a long term boyfriend and never thought about women sexually but Bug intrigued me.

    The following year, I moved off campus and I didn't see her much at all but I thought about her a lot despite not wanting to. After college I moved back home and of course we lost touch completely. About a year after moving back home, I finally began admitting to myself that I was gay but I had a hard time because my family is very religious and I eventually moved to the city to escape gazes of those who probably wanted to throw little green bibles at me.

    I've had relationships but I never stopped thinking about Bug and knew she was from the city. She talked about moving back there after she graduated but it took me a few years to start looking for her. I finally broke down and joined Facebook and immediately saw she was in a relationship (heart in my stomach). There were a lot of pictures of her and her girlfriend plastered everywhere (heart in my knees) so it took me a while but I did friend request her and she immediately accepted. We corresponded briefly online before she asked me to come meet with her and friends for dinner. She was absolutely knee weakening gorgeous and it took a lot for me not to profess my undying love for her as she hugged me hello. I took two friends with me one of whom went to school with Bug and I and we all ended up reminiscing. I didn't have much of an impression of her girlfriend because I was too busy staring at Bug but she seemed okay.

    After dinner Bug and I began hanging out fairly regularly. Our group of friends began to mesh a little (we knew some of the same people) and sometimes we'd hang in a group with her girlfriend in tow and other times much to my great happiness and joy, we would hang out alone. Early on she told me she swore I was straight which was why she never tried to hit on me in college. I told her she spread too many legs for me to have even gone near her back then. She laughed it off saying she's gotten it out of her system and she was seriously committed to her current girlfriend. That deflated me a little because she is nice to be around and I wouldn't mind…oh who am I kidding, I'm in love with her.

    Back in March or April several of my straight friends and I went to an invite only party thrown by some semi famous person I didn't know. Despite it being all straight people I was having a pretty good time (the drinks were free). While mingling I happened to see Bug's girlfriend there with some dude. I stealthily watched their interactions while hiding behind tall people but I didn't see anything of note. They were much like me and my best guy friend, affectionate like brother and sister (not Appalachian brother and sister though).

    Fast forward to July 4th weekend and I'm at the beach with some of my family and I see her again with the same dude but this time their interaction is more like the opening title of something you'd see at midnight on Cinemax, hands on butts and tongue's down throats. In order to be sure it was her, I used my little nephew to get a closer look by playing with him nearby and it really was her. I haven't seen her out with this guy since then so I don't know if it's over or not.

    I haven't said anything to anyone (not even my best friend) about it because yes I'm nosey but I don't like gossip or spreading rumors and I'm no snitch. Besides is it really my place to say anything to anyone about it? I don't think so. Then last month, at Bug's birthday party she proposed to her girlfriend. Her girlfriend cried and said yes and everyone was so happy for them except me. I was bitter as hell and wanted to punch her girlfriend in the face and maybe gouge her eyes just a little; my heart also broke some…okay a lot.

    I'm almost done…

    Two Saturdays ago a bunch of us had a get together to send off a friend who was moving out of the country. I'd had a supremely shitty work week and was still smarting over Bug's engagement among other things so I got shit faced pissy drunk. I don't remember much of anything. Bug and her girlfriend were not there. The next day I get a text from Bug saying she wanted to talk to me. I had a massive hangover so I didn't respond until later that night and boy did the shit get bazzokaed at the fan.

    The phone conversation started with her telling me that one of our mutual friends told her that in my drunken stupor I told anyone within ear shot I was in love with her and a bunch of other nonsense about having triplets. No one knew about my feelings for Bug except one of my best friends and it just so happened that she was not there that day to shut me up. I've been good at hiding what I feel for her for 6+ years and I just flipped that switch on and told her that I was just being goofy and used the triplets as confirmation because everyone knows I don't want kids.

    She let that go and we laughed about it a little but I could tell she was uneasy. Finally I found out what the unease was about when she asked me about her girlfriend and what I saw; that I was not prepared for. So I also told everyone her supposedly gay fiancee potentially had a boyfriend. I fumbled through the most ridiculous of lies which I know she didn't buy and I kept digging myself in deeper. The conversation ended with her sarcastically and insincerely thanking me for telling her the truth.

    Since then she won't answer my texts, phone calls or emails and I don't even know what I would say if she actually responded but a big part of me feels like I should just be honest and let the chips fall but I'm also scared she'll think I made up the story of her girlfriend and the other guy because I'm in love with her. Also, I've already lied twice so why would she believe me?

    Point me in a direction please?!?!?!?
     
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  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Firstly breathe.

    Both you and Bug have quite a bit to get your heads around. I would suggest that you give Bug some space and let her come to you. I know this reads a lot easier than the actual practice; so keep yourself busy and as distracted as is humanly possible. What she decides to do about her girlfriend is in her hands and you are responsible for your own well being.

    Stay positive.
     
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  3. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Oh feckadee. Well that let the cat out of the bag good and proper.

    First off, I think you are honorable sorta for not racing to Bug with a 'Guess what I saw?' about Bug's gf and gf's chappie.
    It was honorable, as to tell might have guaranteed a more positive outcome for you, but you didn't put yourself first.

    However, perhaps it would have been better to have said then rather than let what's happened now happen. Like, they are fecking engaged now and you've had a drunken verbal vomit and oh my lord, it's a mess.

    So being the honorable thing that you are, I'd reckon you have to go cap in hand and tell ur mate that her gf is messing about on her. Now, it's gonna be potentially mortifying and you will leave yourself open to claims that you are just using it or embellishing or downright making it up cause you've the hots for her. I doubt Bug will make that claim, but her gf might. So a lot of this boils down to whether the gf confesses when confronted.

    Re the hots for her thing, you are prob going to have to fess that one up too, but it's possible to do it in a dignified manner and insist that it's left to be addressed at a later stage. Like you could say 'yes, I like you but that's not something we should talk about now'. Be kinda firm with that...keeping the gf cheating convo separate from you liking her as you don't want her integrating the two in her mind, which would tarnish you liking her with the shiteness of the cheating. She needs to deal with the gf stuff first before she can think about you. So say what you have to say about the cheating. Calmly, tell her she can believe you or not and don't debate it with her. Calm is kinda vital here. And apologise that you didn't tell her earlier, as she will prob be pissed about that. If I was you, I wouldn't bring the liking her into the reason that you didn't tell her, just say it wasn't your place or that you didn't want to be the one to hurt her with news like that....

    Ideally, face to face is better for this shit as she will be more likely to believe you when looking at you. Secondly, you don't want her to read the email and call her gf over to process it with her. Cause that opens the door for gf to blame you and say ur lying.

    Of course, you could also decide to leave everything be and move on, but if you like her as much as you say you do...then maybe a bitta action is needed.
     
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  4. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

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    clearly this is your best friends fault for not being there to control your shenanigans. Just kidding. I think the best thing to do is to come clean. If you didn't have these feelings for Bug would you have told her what you saw? I don't know the ins and outs of your friendship and how close you guys are but I know that if I were friends with someone and they saw my gf that I proposed to with another person and being handsy/intimate I would want someone to tell me. Firstly, Bug probably feels betrayed by her fiance and her friend, secondly she may even feel foolish that she was proposing to a woman and wanting to spend the rest of her life with her when this information was somewhat available to her. I would give a last ditch effort before giving her space. Text her something like, If you want to have an honest conversation about all this please let me know. I will give you your space, but if you want to talk about this I am here. Leave it at that and give her her space. If she wants to hear you out she will. Other than that keep busy. Good luck!
     
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  5. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    Nancy...

    I know I pluralized text, phone call and etc but really it was only one of each all on the same day, just to cover all the bases and they were sent the day after our conversation. I haven't reached out to her since then and it's been really hard. I hate that I might have hurt her and there's this ache at the pit of my stomach because I realize she may never want to speak to me again. I wouldn't really blame her...or maybe I would somewhat but in the end I would know she was making the best choice for her. I'm trying to stay positive and hope that that isn't the case but I am preparing for the worst. I've been in love with her my whole gay life so letting go won't be easy :cry:
     
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  6. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    Moses...

    Where are you from if you don't mind me asking? You remind me of a girl I knew back in college...she was from Ireland and you write in much the same way as she talked. If you're not from Ireland and/or you hate the Irish please don't be offended :D

    Thanks for calling me honorable but I don't feel like I deserve that. After I saw her gf at the beach, I debated on whether or not to say anything for a quick minute and decided that it wasn't my place simply because Bug and I have only been back in each others lives for a little more than a year. We are friends yes but not close friends or best friends. The information I had felt like it should come from someone she was truly close with and I'm not that person though I would like to be. I thought about telling her best friend but I loathe drama and I didn't want it coming back to me and becoming some she said/she said battle where I get caught in the middle. I guess in the end, I didn't want her to think I was someone who was just causing drama and in turn hated me for it...I didn't want to lose her over a truth that could easily be perceived as a lie. Bug and her gf have been together 3 years, at the time, I didn't think she would have believed me even if she wanted to.

    Confessing to the hots thing (I actually like "the hots thing")...you're right, if I am to be a truly honorable person, I should 'fess up to everything and let whatever happens happen. You're also right about doing it face to face; however, if she feels betrayed by me I don't know if I'll ever get the chance.
     
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  7. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    MakesMeLaugh...

    I literally laughed out loud when I read this "clearly this is your best friends fault for not being there to control your shenanigans" because after I talked to Bug I immediately called my best friend and yelled at her for not being there. I get drunk every blue moon but when I do, she's usually there and that night she let me down.

    Bug is a friend, not a close friend but a friend. We hang out, we go to games together, the movies and etc. but that close friend intimacy isn't there yet. I think we've both played our parts in keeping some distance because I know that she is truly committed to her gf/fiancee and doesn't want to be seen spending too much time with me (or anyone new) because that could easily be misconstrued by anyone. I keep my distance because I don't want her to think I love her even though I do. As pathetic as it might sound, I would rather be around her as her friend than not at all. Then again, I guess I'm not at that point where loving her and not having it returned is so unbearable that I need to completely distance myself. Boy would it be easier if that were the case...well maybe not easier but definitely more...whatever the word is.

    In my text/voicemail/email, I said something similar to what you suggested. I basically told her that I will be an open book whenever she needs me to but I still haven't gotten an answer. I suppose if I don't hear from her in another week or so that will be the answer, won't it?
     
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  8. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I am Irish. However did you guess? I'm gonna have to call u Kluzo. :p

    Now listen, you only rang and texted her once you say? All in the one day? And how long ago was this? And not a peep from her since? And it's not the kinda sitz where ye might just 'see each other around' to reestablish contact?
     
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  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Hey mmhmmm

    I understand that you're in a tough situation. I also agree with what Moses and MakeMeLaugh have chipped in with (two very wise and very switched on ladies).
     
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  10. YOLO

    YOLO Member

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    If you really care about her, go to the gf and tell her to tell Bug about the guy. Even if in the short term you get backlash, when the gf sooner or later has everything blow up in her double life, you then will have the space to profess your love and explain the awkward position you were in. Oh and try not to drink around anyone who doesn't have your back. :D
     
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  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Any news mmhmmm? Hope you're doing alright
     
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  12. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    Update

    Nancy...I think you were reading my mind because I'd been thinking about updating this all day today. Then I log on and there you are asking about it.

    I sent her another email and text with no reply and I even reached out clandestinely to some of our mutual friends. They haven't heard or seen her lately either so no one knew what was going on with her. I decided to be a little more proactive by running into her accidentally on purpose. She and I are both creatures of habit and I know she goes to Whole Foods every Tuesday after she hits the gym. I went there and literally sat in my car like a stalker for more than an hour waiting until I saw her. I know…I know…its super creepy but many a poet has equated love to a mental disorder.

    I run into her and we engage in some small talk. I asked her how she was and she shrugged and said she was okay. A few more short blah blah blahs then I started apologizing like a loon (I couldn't help myself), telling her how I should've been honest and whatever she wanted to know I was willing to tell. I didn't offer details on anything but let her know that there was more to be told. When I was done running off at the mouth (it was about a minute's worth), she told me to stop apologizing and now was not the time to talk about it. She looked really sad and I immediately felt like a value pack of Summer's Eve so I let her go. No word from her since.
     
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  13. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    Moses...

    Call me dense and lazy (I could Google it but I'm already typing this) but what is a Kluzo?

    Anyway, yes I only sent one of each (text, voicemail and email) initially because I didn't want to pressure her or press my luck. I'd already screwed things up pretty royally by lying and I didn't want her to think I was being a complete dirt bag. Up until a few days ago, it had been almost 3 weeks since our phone conversation (tomorrow it'll be a month). As you can see I did "bump" into her briefly but that was kind of a disaster.

    I miss her...A LOT...but I think it's probably best I leave her alone for now...right?
     
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  14. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    YOLO...

    I don't plan on drinking again for a good long time...I promise.

    I don't think talking to her fiancee is a good idea. I can only imagine how bad that would go; I envision some hair pulling and slapping (by her and not by me) and me trying to flee the scene with my eyes in tact. It would probably only serve to damage my already fragile relationship with Bug.
     
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  15. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    Nancy...

    I joke a lot but I'm not going to lie...it hurts, A LOT. I miss her but I'm trying to keep my head on straight and not cry every time I think about not seeing or talking to her again. When I saw her at Whole Foods, it was hard for me to contain just how happy I was to see her but I was also sad because she was sad.

    Now I'm going to go cuddle with my teddy.
     
    #15
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    You saw her? How did that go? Have you had any word from your mutual friends? I feel for you I really do and without sounding like a cliche it will get better. Hopefully with time Bug will talk to you.
     
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  17. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Kluzo ---

    As in "Inspector Kluzo" from the pink panther.

    I have nothing important to add -- Moses, Make Me Laugh, and Nancy have summed it up nicely. So, carry on :)
     
    #17
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Mmhmmm

    Big hugs to you. The accidentally on purpose thing was a good idea,even if you did feel like the world's biggest stalker (it could've been worse-think long brown coat, newspaper with eye holes, note pad, night vision goggles.) I hope you're feeling a little better for getting how you feel off your chest but it's understandable to still be sad/empathetic for someone you have feelings for. While you wait for her to come to you to talk (as apres gym shopping isn't the place) look after yourself, don't let yourself stagnate. Get out in the fresh air, do some exercise, go shopping, whatever it is that gives you a bit of escapism.


    Thanks for updating.
     
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  19. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    Nancy...

    Lol at the brown paper bag with eye holes. I never told her how I felt. I just told her we could talk about it whenever she wanted to but apparently she doesn't. Thanks for the hugs!
     
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  20. mmhmm.its.me

    mmhmm.its.me Well-Known Member

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    Update and advice seeking time!

    The ! is a mixture of excitement and confusion. The cause for excitement? Bug and I have seen one another three times since I cornered her at Whole Foods. The confusion? Well we have avoided any and all conversations about what happened. I learned from a mutual friend that she and her gf had broken up but that's about all any of us know right now.

    The first time was maybe a week after my last post. A friend of mine moonlights as a singer and I always try to drum up as much support as I can so when I found out she booked a show I text everyone I knew except Bug because I knew she wouldn't come. Word got to her anyway and to my surprise she came. I didn't want to crowd her so I let her do her thing. After a while, she did come over to say hello to me and another friend of mine. The conversation felt standoffish on her part because she seemed to focus more on my friend than me. She knows my friend but they have been nothing but passing acquaintances so that was weird.

    Then hooray for all things mighty, I see her twice in less than 4 days. This past Wednesday I'm at the mall finishing up my Christmas shopping and I run into her. We talked in passing then went our separate ways only to run into each other again at Macy's. That's when I asked if she wanted to grab something to eat. We ate and talked and after a while it wasn't that weird anymore. I wanted to say something about what had happened but things felt normal again so I left it alone.

    The next time I saw her was today. She text me and asked if I wanted to come to the park and hang out. It was really sunny and warm today so the park was pretty packed. A bunch of people I knew were there along with Bug. They all played soccer but I stayed on the sidelines because my legs and arms flail ridiculously every time I try to play sports (aka I'm uncoordinated). Anyway, I saw Bug play a few times in college but forgot how absolutely sexy she is when her hair is flying around in a ponytail and she's wearing shorts that show off her toned, sexy legs. One of the guys tried to teach me how to play but I looked foolish and Bug playfully laughed at/poked fun of me. When we were getting ready to leave, I watched her take off her sweaty shirt to put on another one and holy awe-inspiring abs...there was a shimmer of sweat and she was only standing a few feet away…I mean come on. Great now that image is back at the forefront of my mind...who am I kidding...it probably was never far away.

    Anyway, what do you ladies think? Should I continue hanging out with her like nothing happened or should I try to talk to her about it? I think I should leave well enough alone but would it be better to get it out in the open?
     
    #20

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