In desperate need of advice

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Selene22, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. Selene22

    Selene22 Guest

    Delete
     
    #1
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2015
  2. Tilda

    Tilda New Member

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    Hi Selene, I have no advice really. Just a heartfelt virtual hug! What a difficult situation to go through. Perhaps it helps to speak to your cousin about it?
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Ok. Lets start at the beginning here.

    Your ex-gf broke up with you because she has issues with commitment and being in relationships.

    When you guys were ld, it was comfortable for her. It wasn't such an overwhelming commitment, it wasn't such an intense experience. But when you were going to move closer - it became to intense for her. It shifted from 'I have a gf who is gonna move here someday' to - 'I have a gf who is moving here in a few months.' And she couldn't handle that.

    So, she dumped you via text. Which is a jerk move. And she refuses to talk to you, which is another jerk move. And she refuses to be honest with you and give you closure on why she broke up with you, which is another jerk move.

    It didn't have anything to do with the needle stick. Yes, Healthcare workers face real risks. But the risk from HIV, particularly with the preventive regimen - is really, really low. And even if she did convert, the medications could keep her HIV at bay for a very long time. So the needle stick was just an excuse - bad timing to cover her commitment issues.

    You did nothing wrong. And no amount of talking to her or seeing her or explaining things is going to make her any more ready for the commitment or intensity of a long term relationship.

    Now, part II. I am also a child sexual abuse survivor. So we're talking survivor to survivor here. (Sorry I never told you girls, it just never exactly came up in the "right" situation.) Get help for yourself. If you can't afford counseling, a local domestic violence center, women's center or rape crisis center may be able to help you. Many of them provide some free help for child sexual abuse survivors (that's where I first got help).

    https://www.rainn.org/

    And through rainn's network, you can look for help near you (I'm assuming Texas).
    http://centers.rainn.org/

    I'm really proud of you that you told your cousin. CSA can be a hard issue to deal with and it is important to get help and support.

    Part III, being a CSA can / does impact your adult relationships. One such way is to have inappropriate bonding with people. You keep people out when you don't need to. And, when you finally do let someone in, sometimes you go too far, too fast, with the wrong person. (Not judging, I've been there).

    It seems like this is what you have done with your ex-gf. You say all these wonderful things about her - you love her, you wanted to get married and have kids. But taking a step back - you were willing to move for her after 6 months. And wanted kids after 9? That is all really fast.

    But looking at it from the outside - you wanted to marry someone who knew something was wrong with your relationship, but kept it from you for months? You wanted to have kids with someone who cut and ran via text? Look, sometimes people can't handle being parents and they cut and run on their kids, becoming just a child support check. Do you really want to raise a kid with someone like that? And you wanted to spend your whole life with someone who doesn't have the decency to sit down and face a proper break up talk with you? And you want to get back with this loser after all this?

    Let's face it - your ex-gf is not a good person. Her behavior is one red flag after the other. You are well lucky to be rid of her. You dodged a bullet - delete her number, run and don't look back.

    This is probably a lot to soak in all in one post. If you get one thing out of it - it's that you are not alone as a CSA. There are other people out there who understand and who can help you. You can't really control what happens with your ex-gf. But you can control deciding to get some help for yourself.

    Best of luck with everything.
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    @Bluenote said a lot of great things...so I'll refrain from being redundant.

    I will say this, however. Long distance relationships are very different from in-person relationships. In a long distance relationship, you don't get the day-to-day mundane stuff that goes along with being in a relationship. In long distance relationships it's easy to focus on the good and omit the bad. And a lot of what we experience in long distance relationships is a sugar-coated version of what exists in real everyday life. When things started progressing toward being more real..as in your being in the same city, I'm sure it became very overwhelming for her -- especially only after 6 months. That's not to condone her actions at all.

    6 months is not a long time to be in a relationship -- you're still in the honeymoon period. Real love derives from knowing the good, bad and the ugly about a person. Waking up with that person day in and day out and still wanting to be with her...that's something.

    She's made it clear she's done. That you're trying to talk and push things -- well, almost comes across a bit clingy. Don't push the issue unless she wants to talk to you. You're not going to change her mind at this point.
     
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  5. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes, you can tell how a person how truly is, by the way they ended something.
    Idk since when life is so hard to handle, that some people are like a broken airplane going down and need to drop people one by one until it can fly again at the perfect latitude; but that excuse is a bullshit. Too bad I can't have a rocket launcher, because I'd make a great celestial show every night.


    trust is still something that must be won, regardless of something has happened in the past or not. other people stop trusting anyone when they get to know more and more people around the world. trust is something that defines you in a way. in who you confide, denotes your capability of judgement and if you get the right people to put your trust in them or vice-versa, then in the end, that dark side of your past might have not any impact as you thought.
    If someone is acting nice to you for 5 years, it doesn't mean that person deserves your trust. if you want to trust someone so bad, take that someone for a ride through your personal hell. from now on
    but never trust no one more than you trust yourself, is useless if you will trust others and not yourself first or the most.
     
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  6. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Hi Selene, Wow, you are having a rough time. A few things spring to mind...
    Letting go of this girl would probably be a good idea. Maybe if you could go back and get a do-over, then maybe you could make things work out differently, maybe. But what's done is done now dude, and it seems kinda hopeless. Sorry to say that. I know that's kinda rough to hear. It's going to be very hard for you to let go, thinking all the positive things you do about her man. Like you sorta think she is the one and only, and thinking like that about someone attaches them with a lock and key to your heart.

    So maybe it's time to address the reality of how you feel about her vs the fantasy of how you feel about her? You say "I didn't want to lose the only person I've fully trusted and truly loved. And the only person I've ever felt i could open up to." Are you sure about that? Is that really who she was to you or is it who you wanted her to be? Cause she was over you for ages and didn't say anything...surely that should give you pause for thought about whether your trust was misplaced? And the way you broke up? It kinda shows that she was on a very different page about the value of this relationship, doesn't it? I mean, imagine a scenario where you would break up with someone via text...what kind of feelings would you have about that person to resort to that kind of communication? Not very positive right? This probably seems proper mean pointing out all these kind of things to you and I'm sorry about that. I'm not trying to be mean. The problem is, you are stuck where you are right now. You can't go forward cause you feel she was 'the one' kinda, and going back is not an option cause well...she is not consenting in turning back time and trying again. She is gone. She wants you gone if her actions are anything to go by. So it's time to get mad.

    You need to let her go. The easiest way to begin that journey is to get mad at her. For letting things go so far before she ended it, for how she ended it...hell, for ending it in the first place. Along with all that will come self-recrimination probably, for misplacing your trust and for putting your heart on the line to get stomped on and maybe lonesomeness and despair. But all that is a process and eventually, when you come out the other side, you will see that love is a risk and sometimes that risk doesn't pay off and your anger will fade too. But first you have to begin the journey of grieving and letting go. It is so hard to do dude, and I wish you luck, but sometimes it is the only option. To give up on what you thought you had with someone and let go.
     
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  7. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    That was interesting....

    @Selene you really have to move on from this situation and leave the girl alone. You're looking like a scary stalker right now.

    People come in life and a lot of times go without any explanation. If she says she's done, and is adamant about their decision, then move on. Learn some lessons from this experience and work on yourself. If you keep unwanted contact with this girl, after she's asked you to leave her alone, she'll have rights to press charges of harassment against you.
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Selene22, you guys had a passionate romance, that included the lovin' and the fightin'. I get it when it ended in a text you would not have expected that way. You probably expected a mother of all fights or tearful confessions of true feelings and long talks as you broke apart, anything rather than a text. No matter what, you guys are no longer a fit and I am sure that she is griefing too and you will need to let her do her own thing and grief it her way. This is the kindest thing you can do for her at this moment. You are doing a good thing here and posting and trying to make sense of what had happened, I hope for you to start a process of healing and be able to forgive her and yourself for it not working out and find some peace in the beautiful moments you did have together and let go.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Whatever. Seriously, why post this here? No one knows your bff here, no one cares. It doesn't serve any purpose except to publicly make the OP look bad. And to get her stirred up, which isn't going to help her let go.

    I mean, we all kinda twigged that it's over and she's having a hard time letting go.

    This is an advice thread, not a Jerry Springer thread.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Please don't feel bad about it, Selene22, I see you and your ex as two people who have broken up and not two bad people who have done stuff to each other. People aren't always perfect when they handle difficult and sometimes conflicting emotions you get in a relationship. Again, glad you came on here to talk about things. Please take care.
     
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  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Selene came here for help and now she feels humiliated and run off.
    http://forums.afterellen.com/threads/how-can-i-delete-my-account.2803/

    Basically, I think that sucks. DSLM is supposed to be a place where people can come anonymously and get help. And people were trying to help Selene move on.

    Thanks for effing up a safe place. Y'know - having a safe place is more important than the dyke drama du jour.
     
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  12. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    It is pretty shitty they couldn't work it out in PM. But no matter how you look at things here, it took two to progress to this. This site it pretty much as anonymous as you want it to be, either Laura is stalking selene or selene told Laura about this post and can't leave things alone.

    Either way it's sad that it came to that ladies, it's sadder of Laura for making a scene, the op shouldn't be humiliated... She's just asking for help on how to move on.

    Selene, get away from this toxic mess that is your ex and her bff, and try to move forward with life. Maybe you can move to be around your cousin and surround yourself with better people.
     
    #12
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  13. Lauraxolivasx

    Lauraxolivasx New Member

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    It's been worked out. I'm sorry you feel like it was taken too far but I'm just going to leave it alone. I've said what I had to say and so has she. For the record, no stalking was done on my part.
     
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  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Jesus wept, what is this, middle school?

    @Selene22 , survivor to survivor, I got your back. @Just Me is right. Move on from these people and put yourself in better company and in a better position.
     
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  15. Selene22

    Selene22 Guest

    And ladies thank you so much for the support and advice. I appreciate it.
     
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  16. theasshole

    theasshole New Member

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    Hi everyone, this is the asshole ex. Honestly I didn't even want to give a respond to this thread because as Laura has mentioned most of the things said about me aren't entirely true. I've been stalked and harassed by my ex. And she simply will not leave me alone. I didn't know about this post it was brought to my attention by either my ex's ex or my ex herself. she has gone out of her way to get in contact with me creating different numbers to txt me through or whatever so I honestly don't know who actually txt me and sent me a link to this site. I don't know what to do to get this girl to leave me alone. She stalked my brothers fb page and has even texted him as well making him believe that I am still with her. She even had the nerve to tell him I was HIV positive. That's out of line. For the record selene I started to loose trust and interest on you when I caught you snapchating your ex behind my back because according to you you had to sort of communication with her at all. Anyways yes it was a shit move in my part to break up over a txt. But it happened. Let it go. Get over it. It's not the end of the world. Just leave me alone. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop emailing me. I have blocked soo many numbers from you that it's ridiculous. And in all honesty if you continue and do not leave me alone I will get a restraining order.
     
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  17. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Ah, lesbian drama at its finest. If the OP calls this situation love, then she's got a lot to learn.
     
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  18. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

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    8 MONTHS...!!!!! and u end it in a text o_O . Some people really need schooling on the ettiqutte of dating. Selene gal dont feel humiliated just be glad u dodged that bullet. N hopefully learn from this experience n just let go. If i was in yr shoes i would dislike this chick like crazy, delete her number , unfriend her from all yr social networks, toss out anything that she ever gave u .... N just forget abt her period.
    Theasshole gal u cant really blame Selene for doing some of the things she did. Bro u broke up with her without any closure and out of the blue ..Come On who does that!?!? Oh sorry my bad forgot yr user name is TheAssHole so it makes so much sense now.
     
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  19. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

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    And @ theasshole if u have the time to come on here and defend yourself to a bunch of strangers, dont u think u cld have spent some little time breaking up with Op in person and giving her some closure. Surely u can see the decency in that. Just common courtesy.
     
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  20. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If we want to create a truly safe space to help people in these forums. How about we withhold judgement for a bit and let these two ladies just talk to each other? I see this is a good thing that the OP and the ex are both on here.

    How about this, maybe each of you own and apologize for whatever part in this and make this a closure? I know that I am an assholeex several times over. I always wanted to be the good ex but I know there was always something I had done. Please take this from a very flawed person who has gone through decades of not wanting to forgive and wanting to make it someone else's fault. A breakup is just that, a break up.
     
    #20
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