Im turning 35 but still in the closet...

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Jane Doe, Feb 3, 2015.

  1. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2013
    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    30
    I do badly want to come out. But i feel like it s the death of me. I dont know... Im so scared of not being accepted by my family. Especially that i come from a born again christian family. All my siblings are active in church. Its only me who's like hot and cold when going to church. I dont know maybe i was raised that homosexuality is a sin.
    Ive had several girlfiends since high school. The one i recently broke up with after 5years in a relationship and 3 yrs living together. My family thinks shes just one of my closest friend like the others. Although i really want to come out but im just too terrified to do it. I know my family somehow knows im gay but they never really confronted me about it.
    The only time i am myself is when im with my bestfriend who knows who i am and respects that i want to keep being gay a secret.
    Its difficult... Especially at this age where i somehow already made a life for myself. I dont know... I sont really know if i need encouragement or advice on coming out because i dont think i can do it at this point in time. I just wanna know if there's someone out there like me.
    Ive been a member of this community for awhile. Been reading threads and posts and it has helped me a lot.
     
    #1
    Pi3 and Wild Orchid like this.
  2. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    516
    Likes Received:
    67
    It's always scary coming out... but if you are close to your family and want to tell them then you should bite the bullet and do it. And of course, expect the best and prepare for the worst like in any tough scenario. Would it be easier to live your life in the closet than out of it?
     
    #2
  3. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2014
    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    257
    It sounds like you're Ian pretty tough situation. Sometimes, families can surprise you with the amount of love they have. I know it can be hard being in the closet and trying to have long term relationships. Eventually, they come to an end because it can be too hard
     
    #3
    Wild Orchid likes this.
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    It seems to me like you're placing your family over yourself and you value their acceptance of you more than you do yourself. Girl..you're going to be 35 and you're not married. Don't you think that people -- your family -- wonder why? Like hello? No boyfriends? Not dating men...no talk of marriage? Think about it...good little Christian women get married and have families already.

    How many years have you lived in fear and sacrificed your own happiness because you've been too petrified to stand up for who you are? I'm not saying...go to your family and come out. I am saying that at some point you've got to start living for yourself irrespective of what other people think. Don't waste your time regretting the could'ves, would'ves, should'ves....

    Maybe you should speak to a counselor? We are, after all, our own worst enemies....and many times, our fears..in our own minds...are magnified. What have you got to lose? After all, you already don't have an honest relationship with your family.
     
    #4
    Pi3 and mjaylf like this.
  5. MsGroves

    MsGroves Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2015
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    17
    I think you're in a really tough position... Coming out can be a good thing for some people, and nightmarish for others. Everyone has a different experience. For me it was a good and bad thing. I ultimately spent a large bulk of my 20s dealing with the aftermath and trying to build decent relationships with my family.

    After all the work that I did then, to establish good and open relationships with my family, I can't say that it has amounted to anything different than what I had before. Their knowing about my sexuality hasn't really made the positive difference I had hoped it would, and in fact, the "silencing" of my sexuality is all the more painful because of the raw honesty I had when I came out... I supposed it is a story of dashed hopes, in my particular case.

    I am NOT saying that this will be your experience. But I do agree with Spygirl. They must surely have thought about you in some way, especially if you guys are a church-going family. My family is the same and the difference between my sister and myself is palpable. She is married to a man, wanting to start having children etc.

    I think speaking with a trusted counsellor is a good idea. Its so important that you live your life for you, not for others. Don't waste your time, your life, worrying about others. Irrespective of whether you ever come out to your family or not, try to work on finding a sense of peace within yourself. You deserve that.
     
    #5
    Pi3 and sela9 like this.
  6. Cat01

    Cat01 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Jane Doe, I just wanted to let you know I'm in a similar situation...I'm from a very conservative Christian family in the Bible Belt. I'm 35 and terrified to come out to my family. I've had girlfriends who everyone thought were roommates lol.
    You're right, coming out would completely flip my world upside down. I feel like it's not safe emotionally to do that to myself... but then again, I'm not in a very good emotional state in the closet either. I'm working on it though. I've come out to friends and I'm sure my family suspects something. Thanks everyone for your advice here... It's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this.
     
    #6
    Pi3, TADinUS, Jane Doe and 1 other person like this.
  7. Izzy Girl

    Izzy Girl Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    12
    Hi, I'm 37 and I can relate. My family are ultra conservative, apocalyptic Christians in general. I live in a really small community and its been harrowing to think of their reactions should I confirm what I think they suspect - I've realized the questions about marriage have come to a halt. Truth is, though, ultimately we all have to find a medium. There's no doubt that some people will get upset, you can't prevent that, but you've got to find what works for you. There's nothing wrong with deciding who you think should know. It makes life easier to find allies who you can share yourself with without wondering when the other shoe will drop. I started with my mom, who is conservative, but generally supportive. My other family members, well, they're not going to be as supportive, based on things I've heard them say, so sometimes I feel like a caricature, the outsider who makes cameo appearances at gatherings, but is only family because of genetics.

    That said, I found a place right now that works. I share with whom I think should know and honestly, who respect who I am and my decision to share who I am with them. Its not confession of something to be ashamed of, its revelation of something they may or may not have known. I really don't share or surround myself with people who act as if I'm begging forgiveness for something or confessing a dark secret.

    I'm not sure how that would work for anyone else, but that's how I tried to find a place of happiness for myself.

    You guys are definitely not alone in this.
     
    #7
    shezam, TADinUS, Jane Doe and 2 others like this.
  8. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2014
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    22
    Hi Jane Doe, may I ask what denomination your church is? (Methodist, baptist, prophetic etc.)

    I'm a born again Christian too, and I can deeply emphatize with you about this. I asked about your church because there are dif standards in each churches. I used to belong to an apostolic/prophetic church where in they sometimes publicly expel people who continually "sin". I was too afraid of being found out that I made my own exit. Some of my friends in that church know about it, they said I had a demon and the power of sin was upon me. *eyes roll* . They tried to pray the gay away but I never changed like what other "ex-homosexuals" have testified. I haven't come out to them yet. I did to my family who were'nt that "spiritually mature" and they've accepted me. Yours must be a tougher situation though.

    I don't have a real advice but I just want to tell you that you live only once (maybe), why not be truly free. In the end, this is your life. You're the only one accountable to your own life. Do what makes you happy. Surround yourself with the ones who accept and support who you are. Be with someone that makes you feel alive. Build a family with that someone if you want. Stay true to your convictions. You deserve to be happy.

    Also, I was one of the youth leaders in that church. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. :)
     
    #8
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2015
    TADinUS, Jane Doe and Izzy Girl like this.
  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Nothing I can add, just such wonderful advice from everyone. I am deeply moved by this community. To borrow a religious term, this is like, "laying on of hands" AE style.
     
    #9
    Jane Doe, aussie_gabby and Nancy like this.
  10. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2015
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    25
    Jane, I'd love to come out too but even in the United States you can still be fired just for being gay in many states.

    One rule of thumb in my family (amongst the gay members-there are several) is "why put yourself through the whole comming out process unless you have found the one?"
     
    #10
    ThenAndNow likes this.
  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I told my immediate family to go fuck themselves and told my homophobic state to go fuck itself. I left home at 18 and didn't have much to do with my parents after that (there were other issues there). And I moved to a place where things are much better for gay people.

    My general experience is that homophobia doesn't happen in a vacuum. People who are homophobic generally do a bunch of other stuff psychology wise - judging, projecting, being controlling, etc... It sucks and I'm glad I got away from it and moved on.

    Everyone has to deal with this stuff in their own way. I'm not saying you have to deal with things the way that I did. Nor will I judge you if you do things differently. I'm just offering a different perspective, a different experience.
     
    #11
    Ginney, Andy86, Wild Orchid and 2 others like this.
  12. Lon

    Lon Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2015
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    8
    I am exactly like you. I think my mom knows. I told my brother years ago but he said it was a phase:) The comments she makes seems like she's trying to understand "gays" but she just doesn't understand it. I'm not sure if she wants to know or. But I have come to the conclusion that at my age I don't need to confirm Who I am by coming out. But if she has the balls oneday to ask then I will have the courage to answer her honestly.
     
    #12
  13. Lon

    Lon Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2015
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    8
    Bingo
     
    #13
  14. Elaine

    Elaine Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2015
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think deep down, your family knows about you but they pretend or choose to ignore it for your or their sake. But even if they know about you and you come out before them, they'll probably give you some kind of reaction. Initially it can be bad but If they love and care about you they'll definitely get over it. So it will be settled nicely in the end.
     
    #14
  15. shezam

    shezam New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    This is my first post, I joined yesterday. There is someone like you out there, just add a couple of decades. I am 51 and just come out--its so exciting and there is grief and sorrow for hiding myself away for so long. I am just beginning to accept who I am and that feels f a b u l o u s. I have a few amazing friends but I have been feeling so lonely. Since I found this forum and have been so encouraged. I would encourage you to have the courage to be your sweet self and let go of those who don't love you as you are. The excitement of finally living your truth will diminish the pain of letting go. I am counting on it. : )
     
    #15
  16. anonymous25

    anonymous25 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2013
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    2
    Reading this thread with interest as there are many aspects I can relate to. However I don't live in the US and was surprised to see the comment that in some states you can be fired for being gay! Hope things improve in those states given the recent supreme court ruling.
     
    #16
    shezam likes this.
  17. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2013
    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    30
    Thanks everyone for your advice and for sharing your stories. And yes. I already turned 35. midlife. Embrace me.
    Congrats America for recognizing same sex relationship by legalizing gay marriage. When the news came out, I feel like all my siblings are waiting for my reaction which they did not get until now. I pretended to be very busy at work that i dont have any idea what is happening in the world. With all of them posting anti- on social media. I understand that not everyone will agree with it but why cant we just all be happy for people who are happy for who and what they are. And give everyone rights all the others have. Deep inside, I feel jealous for all gays in countries where their rights are recognized.
    What is sad on my part is that when I called my parents last weekend to ask how they were and how much i miss them. The first thing I heard is that --- 'You should now put God first in everything you do. See we are in the end times with homosexuality being recognized and all the terrorism etc...' It ruined my day.
    I just kept quiet and changed the topic. Im sorry I dont really want to go into religion. Some days are just difficult being me. BUT hey! Thats the beauty of the world. Not everyone agrees with everyone. What is important is that I stay positive through all these and believe that everything will work out fine.
    Hope you all have a lovely day or evening wherever in the world you may be.
    Again, thank you. Appreciate it.
     
    #17
    Wild Orchid likes this.
  18. loirel

    loirel Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    3
    I'm sorry that you feel like that and have people around you that had that reaction. Thats hard - where in the US are you from? Its a bit crazy to me that that still exists, it's true that you can't expect people to agree on everything but keep positive. I mean, Ireland was the first country in the world to legalize gay marriage by popular vote, and it's a very Catholic nation, but the ruling was embraced by many and it was a beautiful thing to see.

    Keep positive and be good with being you :)
     
    #18
    Jane Doe, shezam and RagsOBrien like this.
  19. Wild Orchid

    Wild Orchid Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2013
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    16
    I'm 32 and still in the closet. I have a hard time meeting women, although as I am not out, I have no idea if this has any effect on my meeting anyone. I think everyone presumes that I am straight. I guess I have always done my best to hide it. Whenever I've had a crush on someone, I would never tell anyone about it... All part of life's experiences. I am actually more head-strong and am one of the first people to speak up and say that homophobia is not cool at all and makes you an arsehole. I did date a man in my 20s, but truthfully, that was with someone I had become really good friends with, so I gave myself the permission to see what it was like to date someone. I do find men attractive but I don't have any interest in sleeping with them. So, I wonder, do I call myself bi-sexual or am I a lesbian? I have always been more hesitant to be truthful about which sex I am attracted to. I have confided to my sister who is the one person in my life who is so incredibly accepting and loving and another friend of mine who is gay (male). It can be frustrating. In my circle of friends there are lots of men who are gay, and the others who are straight are totally cool with it, yet I haven't felt comfortable enough to reveal my true preferences. Guess I struggle with being identified with that label of being called a lesbian (a dyke, a lez and all those insulting view points). People can be so frustrating in some of their limiting views of what they think a lesbian is. I am just me at the end of the day. A good person who likes to think for herself and be accepting and loving to all that I meet. I like to dance to the beat of my own drum anyway.
     
    #19
    Jane Doe likes this.
  20. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2015
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    24
    Hello
    Yes I am like you ...
    I am 42 yrs and just this week 'woke up' .. I always used to think 'how can someone be gay and not know it ' arr denial is a sneaky one :)

    Re telling family - um I'm not sure I need to at the moment - I'm not sure - it's all so new
    But like you I worry what the reaction. Will be ... I mean I can't imagine they will say ' ha that's great - what good news - good for you ..
    My grandmother is 87 and my father 70 - old ideas -
    My dad is supposed to most if not all minority groups - often with no foundation when challenged
    I think for me it would become more clear in the future when I have a partner - then in may be a case of they accept it or don't their choice ...
    What is your fear ? Being disowned ... ?
     
    #20

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice