Im coming out and Im freaking out

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by mjaylf, Jun 18, 2015.

  1. mjaylf

    mjaylf Member

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    Whats uppp! So for the last 3/4 months I started to think a lot about exploring further this "bisexual" thing... Then, as I've been doing for the last decade, I though, "no, if I'm bisexual I should concentrate on boys because everything is easier, I want a "normal" family, definitely don't want to have heart felt conversations with the 200 members of my family and I feel a stupid lot of pressure for the fact that my mom died giving birth to me (she was the love of my dads life, she had 4 kids when she married him, they became orphans and my dad took all of them as their own), I look a lot like her and... well I dont really know. I just think it's too much "bad luck" to my dad, raising 4 kids who arent his own, watching them with their little perfect families and then here I come... my mom dies giving birth to me and I just push all the "normal" boundaries, smoking weed, now being bi... I come from an "elitist" family, so there's definitely a lot of pressure... the thing is... I think this pressure is really all in my head. My family is awesome, Im sure my dad's not gonna think I grew "like this" because I didn't have a mother. But can you understand where Im coming from (a little?) I've come to realize that I don't really think I'm bi... I'm almost sure that I'm gay... just gay. I think it was just a defense mechanism to think I was bi, like "okay I do like girls but it's gonna be okay because I can fall for boys too". Well... I did date a guy for 2 years, but before that I dated a girl, the only one, for a year. I think I was with him this whole time just because. I mean I'm wayyy more attracted to women but I do not act on it or try anything out of fear someone will end up telling someone from my family. My fear is not that they find out, my fear is that they find out by someone else... It is a freaking small country/city/social environment. So.... My sister came to visit (from Africa) and is heading back wednesday... my dad is travelling tuesday... I'm thinking about inviting my other sister and tell them both tuesday (one is 41 and other 30). She came here because she lost a baby... I mean fck, it's always a terrible timing but I just feel I can't hide it anymore, the only way I can put myself out there is to tell my family first... Jesus, I'm all over the place with this, sorry. I'm sure you can feel my panic and confusion lol. I know I'm over thinking but I just can't help myself.... Just tell me it's gonna feel great afterwards.... because after I tell my closest family... I'm going to scream to everyone that I am soooooo gay.
     
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