I'm banned

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Gentry, Oct 4, 2015.

  1. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    Hey :)

    My relationship with my girlfriend is great. We had some problems along the way but had easily solved them, mostly because she was very understanding and selfless. Our relationship is very young (8 months) and we are still very inlove.

    She lives with her family and is not yet out to them.. Her mom met me a few times while we were just friends (last year). Recently, gf told me that her mom wants her to stop being "friends" with me.. she said that she has a hunch that I am not straight and that everything I did for her daughter was for my own benefit.. she emphasized that she will never ever accept me for her daughter. She wants her to have a normal family and they will never be happy as a family if I'm in the picture. She told her to stop seeing me. :(

    We decided not to have dates on weekends and holidays. No sleepovers too. But we can still see each other after office hours and chat every night.

    Has anyone else here experienced the same thing? What should we do in this situation?

    Thanks in advance!
     
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    Last edited: Oct 4, 2015
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think that you should take a step back from this relationship (and by that I mean, break up).

    I assume that your gf lives with her parents out of need - needing financial support, finishing school, whatever. I also assume that she would be royally screwed if her parents were to make her move out, quit helping her financially, etc...

    Her mom doesn't accept gay people. She suspects that something is going on between you two. If you keep 'playing with fire,' it will only be a matter of time before her mom finds out the truth. It is naive to think that she can live with them and hide a serious relationship. Particularly if her mom already has some suspicions.

    How I see it, is that staying together could risk a lot of trouble for her. Being tossed out of the house, loosing her parents support, etc... I think it is better for her to stay 'in the closet,' until she is able to move out and be more independent. Then, she can come out and date whomever she wants.

    I know that it is painful. But the possible alternative is really painful too. Staying together could cause her a lot of hurt.

    I tried to date a girl when I was still living at home with my homophobic mother. She suspected what was happening and made my life hell. I was stuck between my gf who always was getting shortchanged and trying to keep secrets from my (very nosy) mother. It didn't work and in the end, no one was happy. Eventually, my gf broke up with me. When I could, I moved out, came out and told my mom to go fuck herself.

    I know that this is not the advice that you want to hear. I know that it really hurts. But it is how I see the situation.
     
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  3. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    @Bluenote I totally get your point.. it made me see how hard this is for her.. Today, I presented her the options: 1. continue this secret but have the possibility to get caught and be disowned/hated by her mom or 2. break up with me and be eternally okay with them. It was clear in her head, no matter how much she loves me, she cannot lose her family.

    So that was it. It was hard for both of us. I dont know how to move on from here, heaven knows how miserable I am right now.

    Any help? Advice? Thank you
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am really sorry that it is so hard right now.

    I think the solace that you have right now is that you really do love her, in a selfless way. Because you aren't willing to be the cause of her loosing her family and whatever they provide for her. What you did was very brave, was very hard and I respect you very much for it. I am really sorry that sometimes loving someone selflessly means letting them go.

    Other than that, the feelings that you are having are like that of any other break up. Sad, scared, angry (I am assuming at mom and the circumstances). It is probably best that you have some space from your ex, lest you fall back into a relationship or pseudo relationship. And I am talking months, not days or weeks. Yes, you can talk a little and set boundaries 'lets take some space, so we don't fall back into a relationship.' That would be bad for both of you and would continue to risk her relationship with her family.

    So as tempting as it is to reach out to her for comfort - don't. Reach out to other friends, watch sad movies and get your crying out, channel your energy into exercise or yoga or projects around the house. Force yourself to deal with this in ways other than turning to her.

    Also, resist the temptation to put her on a pedestal. She sounds like a good person and like you gals got on well. But you didn't go through a lot of things - living together, the stresses of long term relationship (I am talking decades), major illness, etc... So it is easy to start romanticizing, like you lost 'the one.' But you have no idea how you gals would have fared long term. I mean, clearly, she is not the one, because of how she needs her family.

    You won't feel this awful and heartbroken forever. It will heal.

    You both made a decision to face short term pain (letting go now) instead of long term pain (years of a closeted relationship, her being disowned, never being able to live together or see each other on holidays). When you are in the middle of the short term pain, it can be really easy to regret your decision. But you just have to keep reminding yourself that you both did the right thing.

    Here is a poster who couldn't come out because of her family. She tried to have a secret gf and it just didn't work out. http://forums.afterellen.com/threads/i-need-advice-badly.1396/ Hopefully your ex can come out some day, but it seems like that will be a long time in the future.

    It is hard to put in words how much I admire you for doing this. It takes a lot of strength, even if you feel anything but strong right now.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I just caught this thread, Gentry and I have nothing to add except a word of encouragement that you have done the right thing. I agree with Bluenote that what you did was admirable and I hope you are getting through this rather quickly.
     
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  6. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    Hi!

    Thank you so much @Bluenote and @greylin. I am grateful to have you guiding me in this. Thank you.

    Right now, I am stopping the urge to call her and ask her to return. I know her well, she will take me back. That's why I am the one who brought up the idea of breaking up because she will never do it.. I also keep on getting these thoughts that maybe we can still do this. But even if we are really meant for each other, i know this is not the right time for us.

    I was a little bit self destructive/suicidal when depressed. But now, I think I am quite optimistic. Our relationship has really done me good. Though I look so horrible when I cried in front of her.

    What I do is keep myself busy with work. I found a freelance job online that keeps me busy at night

    Sorry I'm rambling. Thank you so much for always listening :)
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Oh dear, Gentry, you can't break up like that for external reasons and expect to be just ok. You are just stuffing things down. It is a lot to take when she can't be with you because of her family.

    There are so many romantic, love conquers all stories where people elope and be together at all cost. That, well that could be you two but it is something she would have to arrive on her own and you can't love therapy her. You can only say you will support her if she wants to leave her family. I think you have done all you could.
     
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    First of all, you need to recognize that it's not you -- it's the idea of you that her family hates. And that's her issue, which sucks because there's nothing you can do to change things.

    Years ago, I was in the position of your g/f...tried to sell my g/f as just a "friend," but my mother caught on. So much so that she was attempting to throw me out of the house. My best friend (not the girl I was dating) came over and was helping me pack my things when my dad intervened and stopped my mother from forcing me out...and it just made for a really really messy ugly horrific living situation. I ended up distancing myself from the gay world, losing friends and a girlfriend in the process. I ended up going back into the closet and dating a guy.

    It wasn't until I'd moved out -- when I finally had the means to get out on my own (I was sorta forced out at that point b/c of the stress of my parents divorce) that I ended up reconciling who I was with who my parents wanted me to be. It took several years but my mother finally apologized to me because once I was financially secure and didn't need to rely on my parents for any kind of financial or emotional support, and frankly, i was going to live my life the way I wanted to live it. The choice was theirs: accept me for who I am or lose me. It was that simple, and I wasn't afraid anymore because I already wasn't having an honest relationship with them.

    You're in a crap situation that's controlled by outside factors. You did nothing wrong except be who you are and fall in love with a girl who happens to have a shitty family. She has to have the conviction and strength to stand on her own two feet and make difficult choices, because until she does that, she cannot give 100% of herself to you.

    Hang in there and be strong. Easier said than done, I know. Breaking up with her was probably one of the most selfless and loving things you could have done for her. It will get better.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 10, 2015
  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    @Gentry ,Desperate people do desperate things -- she's losing you and she knows it. Worse is that she's in a position to do nothing about it. So, she's trying to hold on in any way she knows how. Two years in the scheme of things is a long time.

    Moving to a different country doesn't alleviate the problems with her family; it amounts to running away, instead.

    If I were you, I'd keep the lines of communication open -- not rule anything out, but not hold out hope either. You can't torture yourself by playing the waiting game for a day that might never come. Go on with your life, and if in the future she's in a position to be in a relationship with you..and you're not in love with someone else, then why not? Whatever is meant to happen will happen.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    It depends on her safety as well, sometimes one does need to run away to another country to keep family at bay.
     
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  11. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Two years is a long time to wait. While waiting, you give up the emotional support of a relationship; the possibility of dating someone else; physical affection and passion. During that time, many people (including wonderful, loving, out women) will cross your path. If you are waiting, you are closed to those possibilities. And here is no guarantee that when she is done with school she will actually be ready and able to cut ties with her family and be with you completely. There is no guarantee that when you are together without this secret and stress that your relationship will really be happy and fulfilling and lasting (because couples under siege, by distance or closet, tend to idealize their love and their partnership). There is no guarantee that you will emerge from your holding pattern without resentment, accidental attachments, or compromised mental health.

    In short: I think it's a bad bet. I understand why she wants you to make it, but I think it will be bad for you, and the chance of it all working out to your satisfaction is pretty small. I think you should tell her that she should get in touch with you when she feels able to try again, that you bear her no ill will, and that if you are single and available and still interested, the door might be open. But there are no guarantees in this game.
     
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  12. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Dont wait around for someone or something may never happen. A lot can happen in 2 years. What if you wait around for her and then things don't change...That's 2 years you will never get back. 2 years of you not dating or opening up to others or focusing on your needs. I know it's hard, but don't waste your time waiting...If things work out in 2 years great, but if they don't then you can be proud of yourself for living your life, moving forward and in a better place. Good luck with things...it will get easier.
     
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  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    What you are going through, pinning for some hope in this is normal. What you want from her is not selfish, as long as she wants the same thing too. I know you are not going to make her abandon her life, but if she ever comes to that realization that she would have to shed some familial contraints, then it is a mutual thing and her life would only be a life of a grown up woman making her own choices.

    Take your time to reply to that letter, or not. It is a lot to ask someone to wait. You can always say that you don't know if she presses you. The time is not so much a bother but whether she would really go through with it in 2 years time or any time in the future is an unknown.

    You are right on how you have handled it. She is not ready to live and love as she chooses. And I suspect if you run off with her before she is ready she may always see you as the choice that took her from her family and their kind of normal, repectable life. That is a lot of baggage for a relationship to bear. Also, her two years can seem far off for her now but it can suddenly arrive when she is not really ready. She may not be able to tell you she is not ready because she may feel obligated to go through with it now those 2 years are up.

    The other problem is the 2 year plan is that you are not a couple planning your future together. You are not in this together.

    I once read about an African American man secretly married to a Jewish woman in the sixties and they kept their entire marriage and life secret from her family. They had to sacrifice a lot, like family time on the weekend, like having his things always hideable when the in laws visited every weekend. They sacrificed having children. They stayed married until death did them apart and felt no regrets. That is a couple who have made an agreement and a plan and a life together with such contraints.
     
    #13

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