I'm a mug

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by emz, Mar 3, 2016.

  1. emz

    emz Member

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    I found the most amazing woman on a dating site we seemed get on really well we fell in love and got engaged pretty fast. We had the perfect relationship. Until I had family troubles and problems with work and where I was living. My sister needed me to help with her autistic son my dad had a heart attack I started working 7 days a week and I was arguing loads with my landlord. My gf said she was there for me she'd support me even though she was 100 miles away. Then I come to breaking point I got depressed with everything that was going on then my gf decides that's it she can't be with me. I feel I've lost everything at that point so I try to end things . My ex starts talking to me saying we can be friends so I try that then she starts ignoring me and then she gets her dad to threaten me with the police for harassment. Time goes by then she decides on being friends again , she tells me she wants more than that though. But she doesn't tell me she's already found a new gf , she doesn't love her so she says but what do I know. She asked me to wait until she decides who she wants to be with. She kept telling me she loves me I'm the one she wants we start sexting and that. Then all of a sudden she visits this new gf now she's being cold to me she still wants me to wait she says there's no problem between me and her. I feel I'm being fucked with I feel I'm waiting in second place. If she messes thing up with her new chick she will come back to me or I'm waiting on something that won't happen. I love this girl so much she knows she's got a hold over me I feel like a mug she's fucking someone else I'm letting her all because I want her back. She's treating me like shit too but I can't seem to let her go
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am not really sure what you are looking for here on AE. You already know that this girl is treating you horribly. And you know that you shouldn't be putting up with it. I am not sure what you expect anyone on here to say? Dump her? You know that you should, but no stranger on the internet can say magic words that will make you do it.

    Yes, you are being a doormat.

    You took back a girl who 1) dumped you when you were really struggling 2) threatened you 3) is dating / banging someone else.

    I am not really sure that you are "in love with her." You haven't said anything about her good qualities, or what drew you to her. I rather suspect that you don't feel very good about yourself and you are willing to put up with her treating you so badly, because you don't think you deserve better.

    Look, it would be better for you to be single than to be stuck in a trainwreck like this. She is going to hurt you as much as you let her. I suggest that you start taking care of yourself. Step one - kick this girl to the curb. Block her on social media, block her from your phone and erase all her contact information.

    If you find yourself unable to break it off with her, I suggest that you work with a counselor to try and figure out why you put up with someone treating you so badly.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am sure by now you feel that many things in many areas are out of your control. Perhaps you can look at what you are here to do. You want to love someone, start with yourself. You want to change the way you are being thought of, start with your own thinking. You want to help people who need you, you need to first help yourself.

    Please think that you are a good friend, lover, sister, daughter, tenant and worker. Please think that as all those people that you are you do not deserve this long distance torture from a person who only wanted to control you. She is selfish and wants to hold all the cards, and you are not a person to her but one of the cards. With all the hours you are working, I would night-switch that phone, get rest and a good meal. Once you are rested, just block her number and sign off social media. Without all these things to worry about, you will get your work and home life in order. Then you can help your family and in time, meet someone who actually cares about you, not just a good-time friend who lies to get what she wants. Good luck.
     
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  4. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    You made a mistake u-hauling with her. It's a common thing for lesbians. The stuff you went through clearly showed she wasn't for you. You two broke up and that should've been a happy ending.
    However, you're probably a masochist (not to sound rude, if so, I sincerely apologize) since you're obviously letting her treat you like shit even after you two broke up. Girl, YOU DESERVE BETTER! You deserve someone who's there with you when you need them and is honest with you. Someone who'll never put you in a 2nd place. her, choosing someone else over you, shows she's looking for something different. If she has trouble deciding who she wants to be with, it's up to her, not you. Even if she ends up choosing you, getting back to her will be a mistake because of how she's treating you now. Remind yourself how she left whenever you needed someone to be there for you, even if we're emotionally speaking only. She's not going to be there.

    To be honest, I am no better-I'm still recovering from a toxic relationship (kind of different than yours but still). If you want to be with her, nobody can really stop you. but then, again, you need to ask yourself how long you can put up with this? Once more-you deserve better. You need to let her go for your own sake. Get rid of the toxic waste of your life so you can focus on bettering yourself-financially, emotionally etc and to be able to find YOUR PERSON :)
     
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  5. emz

    emz Member

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    She did have good qualities she was kind honest and loved me like nobody else has. I just don't think she could handle everything I was going through. She tells me she loves me and wants to be with me but hardly talks lately. I'm getting pissed off as I know she is paying the other woman much more attention than me. I have started talking to another girl now as I'm getting fed up waiting. I might just be a bitch back to her and tell her I traded her in for a younger model .
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Pardon my blunt response, but your g/f doesn't sound like she has any clue as to what "love" entails -- love entails handling the good, bad, ugly, and in between times. Love means standing by our partners/girlfriends/wives when they've hit rock bottom. Love means being there for our partners/girlfriends/wives as their rock -- their bastion of hope when there is none. Love means having faith in a person -- not engaging in tactics like threatening the police and harassment actions.

    You're a doormat; her second choice. If she doesn't unequivocally decide that she wants to be with you over Ms. Right Now, then guess what? Chances are she doesn't want to be with you ....or if she does, it's only until something better comes along. You are her security blanket...she comes running back when it's convenient for her to do so -- not necessarily because she loves you. She tells you what you want to hear...but guess what? That's manipulation at its finest..and she knows it works on you. She's playing you and you're allowing it to happen. Take a step back and be objective here.

    If you're happy being a consolation prize...or Ms. Right Now until someone better comes along, then go for it. When something happens..and it might not be your hard times, but trust me when I say there will be another excuse....when things get tough for whatever reason, be prepared to be a casualty of that. And if you think that she has loved you better than anyone, that tells me that you've not experienced love if this is your barometer.

    You come here for help....we give it to you..and you defend her anyway. I know this can be a conflicting time..but trust me when I say that many of us here have lived through iterations of your g/f...we're trying to be supportive, and believe me, as harsh as this post may sound, I'm only trying to help you see what you cannot see for yourself at the moment.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I guess you are probably joking. However, just in the small chance you are not, stooping lower to reach/shock her out of her apathy is a really bad idea. It probably won't work and will only damage your remembrance of yourself in this in the future.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 5, 2016
  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, whatever "good qualities" this woman has (and I believe you; everyone we love, we love for a reason), this is all the evidence you need that she is not a good partner for you. The right person for you - the person who chooses to be there, to step up her game when the going gets tough, to be honest and kind and supportive in the ways that are good for you - will not bail, wait out the storm in a more comfortable place, and then swoop back when skies are clear again.

    You can have compassion for her, and her inability to deal; you can believe she is doing her best (although if that's true, her best is pretty poor from my perspective); you can respect her agency and her right to say "nope, this is more than I signed up for," because people DO get to opt out when their relationships and partners need things they are not willing or able to give. But even while doing all that: she doesn't have to be a bad person to be a bad partner for you.

    Her wanting you back, in word if not in deed, now that that stuff is behind you - what is going to happen when you go through some more difficult times? Which you will, because life is like that. Really, what is the best case scenario here? She drops the other girl, gets with you, and then you have a partner with a history of bailing and hurting you and an ongoing fear and anger that it will happen again. Yeah, no thanks. Take her past (and present) behavior as a pretty reliable predictor of what's ahead for you if you continue your involvement with her: lack of support, lack of respect, insufficient investment of time, unwillingness to commit, unwillingness to endure unpleasantness for your sake. You would be happier, healthier, and more supported single and with the time to build non-romantic friendships than you are in this relationship, and you know that.

    Stop talking to her. Don't be catty, just tell her that this is not good for you and for your self-respect, and that you will no longer be talking to her. Block her number, block her email, unfriend and block her on facebook. And then remember what it felt like to be treated this way, and make sure you never treat someone else with so much disrespect or choose a partner who will put you in this position again.
     
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  9. emz

    emz Member

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    I can't deny all your opinions are right. I've realized I can do better I shouldn't be a doormat. I have been talking to someone else and she is really sweet . She says she really likes me, but she's 23 I'm 38 . So I'm not sure if given time things would work out. For one I work my ass off and she doesn't seem to interested in the whole work ethic thing. Maybe I should just keep away from women for a while .
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yes, it would probably do you some good to take a break from women for awhile.

    You just got out of an unhealthy relationship. If you don't want to jump right into another unhealthy relationship, it is wise to take a little time to reflect. How did your last relationship go so off the rails, what warning signs did you miss, what could you have done differently, etc...?

    A hard working 38 year old with a very chill 23 year old does not sound like a good match to me.
     
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  11. emz

    emz Member

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    I thought my last relationship was going good even though I was going through so much. I soon realized when my gf kept making excuses not to facetime for long or call for long there was a problem. Then when she lied and told me she couldnt even text all day . She was chatting to her fb friends though ok. Her lies was our problem that's when things fell apart . I was willing to wait for her as it's what she wants but yet again she keeps lying. She must think I'm dumb because I love her still . I'm moving on and fuck her. I deserve better. This new chick may not work but it's beer than the ex
     
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  12. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You're 38 and still acting as if you're in a teenage or twenty-something relationship because you're allowing her to take you to that level. You just said it yourself..."I was willing to wait for her as it's what she wants but yet again she keeps lying. She must think I'm dumb because I love her still."

    She's 23 with a whole lot to figure out in terms of who she even is...before she settles down -- you're 38 and should be in a different place than a 23 year old. Part of this is on you -- you're allowing her to get away with this stuff..and you're allowing yourself to be a doormat. You're also contemplating engaging in games suitable more for her age than yours.

    I dare say...grow up! Seriously. This woman is not capable of a mature relationship by virtue of her age and her actions and her lies. If you continue to engage her, then you're solely responsible for any resulting heartache. For someone who's 38 you should be beyond this kind of juvenile crap.
     
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  13. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    You know what's better than the ex AND better than this new girl?

    Being single
     
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  14. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Emz - You have been given LOTS of good advice here from so many great AE members who only have a motivation to be helpful. So, please, read everything that they are saying...and then, re-read....and then, slow yourself down enough to re-read again....Try to hear all parts of it, even if it is tough to hear.

    One of the things that concerned me the most is that you mentioned in your original post that you tried to take your life. You also mentioned police and possible harassment charges. These are all indications of some serious impulsive, unstable choices...(I realize it sounds like this happened in the whirlwind of some really hard times in your life, so it may not be where you are right now, but....). Please, please focus on yourself now. Do not jump right into another quick relationship that looks shiny and great at the start. S L O W it down (maybe even completely quit it with the 23 year old). It is never a great idea to start something with someone just to try to get back at, get back with, or get over an ex....it usually does not work, and can create other big messes in your life that you can't see coming because you are still focused on your former relationship. (Basically: If you are looking backwards while driving full speed ahead, you are going to CRASH! and it is going to Hurt...you and maybe others!)

    Work on getting over your ex. Stop contact with you ex. Right now. Stop trying to figure out her motivations for why she did what she did. Stop trying to stretch so hard to understand why she is behaving now the way she is behaving toward you. Just stop. You have no control over her actions, only your own. You do not have to understand her behaviors/choices, you only have to understand YOU! Try to figure out how you got yourself into this situation (or back into this situation), what you can do to keep yourself healthy and stable even if there is chaos happening all around you. Get yourself into therapy if you are not already in it- figure this out. If you are already in therapy, stop spending the time talking about your ex and/or the 23 year old, and spend every moment of it focusing on You!!

    Figure out: What are you doing to take care of yourself, to manage the obsessive thoughts about the ex, to keep a watch out for your triggers and risks for slipping into the state of mind that would allow you to falsely believe that taking your life would be a solution to whatever problem you are wrestling???... figure out how to move forward in a health way....take the time for you.....learn what makes you tick, all of your good qualities, all of your value here in this world, discover your personal boundaries and what you are not willing to put up with from others (from friends/family/lovers)....
    You are worth it .....and it will serve you well when you are Ready to make the next choice for a potential partner.

    Best wishes and keep us posted.
     
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    EMZ, my own relationship is like, well, catnip to me so I understand why you would feel a mess without. But please please listen to @rainydaze as she urges you to listen to others. What I am saying maybe repetitive and possibly recursive, but I hope you feel the concern coming forth from even complete strangers.
     
    #15
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2016
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  16. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I have a feeling that the OP has made up her mind - move on with this new girl - and won't coming back to this thread. I could be wrong, but that is my 'gut reaction.' However, there are probably other women reading out there who are in similar situations.

    On reflection, I have some thoughts about all of this.
    1) The OP (and readers in similar situations to the OP) would be served to develop bullshit detectors.
    2) The OP (and readers...) would be served to develop realistic expectations of relationships.
    3) The OP (and readers...) would do well to try and make better decisions, take better care of themselves and surround themselves with better people.

    Please remember, that this comes from a place of compassion. AKA, Bluenote posts here in part because she has some pretty awful romance flame out stories. After getting a Masters Degree in bullshit detector-ography from the school of getting your ass kicked - I have some insights into the brutal sport that is girl on girl dating.

    1) The OP (and readers...) would have been served to develop a bullshit detector.

    If I understand correctly, the OP met her gf online. They had a long distance relationship (ldr). But still moved pretty quickly with the relationship and got engaged.

    Firstly, I am not anti-ldr. I do know people who have met ldr and have gone on to move in together, get married and stay happily together. HOWEVER, I know TONS of people who put a lot into ldrs, only to have the relationship fail. They never were able to move close to each other, the distance was too much of a stress, one of them was 'catfishing' (misrepresenting who they were), they did move close to each other and weren't compatible, they lost interest over time, etc...

    I like garden analogies, so I am going to use one here. :D In gardening, you plant a lot more seeds than the amount of adult plants you want. Because along every step of the way, stuff will die on you. Seeds won't germinate. Little sprouts won't make it to seedling stage. Little seedlings will die when you move them outdoors, etc... Relationships are like that. Every step of the way is a stress and many relationships end when they hit that stress. Plenty of couples are going great - until they move in together, or have kids, or whatever.

    To me, ldrs are a bit like little sprouts. Yes, they have the potential to grow into something wonderful (like my happy married friends). But there still is a good chance that they will hit some growing stage along the way (living together, health stuff, commitment stuff, whatever) and the relationship will end.

    I guess I am a little skeptical of someone saying that an ldr is a "perfect relationship." It may be two people who are great for each other but who are in an imperfect situation (too much distance, never enough time together, etc... ).

    Second, I find it unlikely that the gf went from being perfect, to threatening with police action and seeing another girl(s) on the side.

    My BS detector says that the gf probably had a nasty and manipulative side and the OP missed red flags. Likewise, my BS detector says that the gf probably had other girls on the side, while she and the OP were "engaged." Maybe she was only chatting with them, or lining them up, but I am guessing that they were there. I say that because the gf seemed very practiced at what to say to the OP to keep her on the hook "I love you, I don't love this other girl, you are special, we have a special connection that I don't have with this other girl, wait for me while I figure this out, etc..."

    Those are classic relationship manipulations. They should send the BS detector into full alert screaming mode. Being the special one to a shark doesn't turn out well. Just ask Wendy from Jessica Jones. http://www.robinweigert.com/television/jessica_jones_clip4.html

    I am not sure that dumping the OP, threatening her with the police, feeding her lies and stringing her along is 1) being honest, is 2)being kind and is 3) loving her like nobody else has. I also don't think that people who really love each other break up when the going gets rough, then lead each other on.

    My BS detector says that the gf was not so much honest and kind as she was someone who could be very charming and knew what to say to wrap the OP (and others) around her little finger.

    2) The OP (and readers....) would be served to develop realistic expectations of relationships.

    Moving really fast in relationships can be a red flag. Likewise, getting engaged quickly. It is a red flag that people have gotten caught up in the moment, but haven't really taken the time to get to know each other. When they do get to know each other, they may well not want to get married (or even like each other at all).

    Here a bullshit detector would be your brain telling your hormones - 'I know you are crazy about this girl, but lets give it some time and some getting to know her, before getting her a ring.' It would also be your brain telling your heart 'she says she wants to marry you and have your babies. You have only been together 2 months. Lets take some time to get to know each other before you actually expect a wedding or little ones.'

    3) The OP (and readers....) would do well to try and make better decisions, take better care of themselves and surround themselves with better people.

    This is where it gets weird and tricky to discuss. The OP is still really angry at her ex (understandably). But she seems to be making decisions about other relationships with that anger. "Fuck my ex, I am going to date this other girl and show her."

    It is not right to use one person to get some kind of revenge on another person. It is also not a good idea to jump into a relationship (or dating, or sex) out of spite. It is pretty likely to end up a disaster. Then the new girl becomes the girl you are pissed at and you move on to another new girl out of spite.

    Again, the OP is very understandably angry at her ex. But I find it concerning that she knows so much about and is so fixated on her ex's habits. They are broken up. The ex is a cad, but she is now a cad who is not in a committed relationship with the OP. She is free to fb, text, etc... anyone she wants as much as she wants.

    The OP had (has) a decision to make. She got to decide "do I want to be the ex's side piece, while she has another girl." The answer is clearly no. So the better decision for the OP would be to cut off all contact with the ex. Getting into some drama with all of this is not the way to take care of ones self.

    I think it has been said a bunch already, but jumping from relationship to relationship without reflection is a bad idea. And trading one person for another, out of anger, or spite, is not such a great move, either.
     
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  17. emz

    emz Member

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    Been off here for a while trying to think this through. Idk what I was doing talking to a needy 22 yr old so childish with no ambition. My ex gf wanting me to wait she still does . I still love her I always will she's my first love but I can't stand by and wait whilst she decides who she wants. I'm moving on with my life delving myself in my work instead of women. I'm single and happy now which is exactly what I need
     
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  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Take good care of yourself. It sounds like a break from all the drama will be good for you. Keep us updated as much as you want.
     
    #18
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  19. becsgotswag

    becsgotswag Member

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    good on you! its hard to listen to your head over your heart but you are doing the right thing! You want someone who wants you! Someone that doesn't even consider the option of someone else. Someone who texts you first thing in the morning and every night. Someone who doesn't make you question what they are doing or if you are what they want... Don't settle for anything less. x
     
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  20. emz

    emz Member

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    Theres me trying to get on with things then my ex decides to contact me last night. Now 24 hours later I'm feeling used. Yesterday she was constantly messaging me and she got very explicit and things in what she was saying I couldn't help but get into it and go along with it. Now I'm feeling used now she's got her fix as she has hardly said a word to me today. I'm an idiot for going along with it but I still love her and she knows it. I have asked her why she doesn't just send messages to her new gf . She said she can't as her gf is crap and boring and not interested in things like that. I won't be falling for that again I'm not going to be used cos her gf can't kep her happy in certain ways
     
    #20

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