If you only knew

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Leigh13724, Jul 17, 2017.

  1. Leigh13724

    Leigh13724 New Member

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    It's been almost a week since my girlfriend of 5 years broke my heart. I still reside in the home that we built together. We are remaining friends.
    So let me explain what happened. I moved here from GA to be with her. We dated for 1 1/2 years while she lived in WA and I lived in GA. I knew in my heart that she was the one and didn't want to do the stereotypical Uhaul. I wanted us to grow and get to know one another.
    While we were learning one another she admitted to thinking she would always be alone in life. She was married before and was separated when we started talking.
    Long story short, we have been having problems for the past few months. Our communication was where it should be and the intimacy had stalled. We just became stagnant in our relationship.
    For me this was my first true long relationship. She asked me several times throughout the month if we felt more like friends. I told her that I think that we should but still have intimacy and passion also. I explained to her I think that is what we needed to improve our relationship.
    Last week she took a trip to go see some college friends. I gave her space and only texted her in the morning and at night. When I picked her up from the airport she seemed depressed. A couple of days later, she told me that she couldn't do this anymore and that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. She told me that in her mind she feels wrong. She told me that she felt like she has lost 10 years of her life. She said that she couldn't be with me because I'm a woman.
    She has struggled with herself about being in a relationship with a woman. She couldn't say that she was a woman at work. She seemed ashamed of being with me. I never pushed the issue because I was secure enough in our relationship.
    I still love her and respect her. I'm going through every step of grieving except bargaining. I'm not going to beg someone to be with me.
    I moved all my belongings into the spare room and we are just being roommates.
    This is difficult but I am working through my emotions with help of my best friend (who knows us both) and therapy. I'm writing this just as part of a healing process.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Oh boy, so with you there and it sounds like you are doing all the good steps in the transition. You have endured quite a bit and sometimes ending something that you cannot mend is healthy. I hope you can visit this thread from time to time and tell us how things are going for you. (hugs)
     
    #2
    Spygirl, Narley and Nancy like this.
  3. Leigh13724

    Leigh13724 New Member

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    So it's been about a month since the break up. For the first couple of weeks we both were walking on eggshells. For the past 3 weeks the communications have been more fluent.
    She finally told some of her immediate family that we weren't together but also told them that I was still family. I actually got invited to the nieces birthday party at her parents house. I caught her watching me and keeping an eye on me. Her sister in law called me later to tell me that you couldn't tell that we were separated.
    I finally told my ex that I have a still have feelings for her but I'm putting them on the back burner. She(ex) asked me if I thought we were going to get back together. I explained to her that I hoped one day we could possibly talk about it but we both need to work on ourselves. She agreed.
    I have noticed that when I go out for a ride everything is ok when I leave but when I get back the ex is mad and cold to me. Argh… the mixed signals!!!
    This week she asked me to go camping with her and her family. Last night changed plans of not camping because we are moving to a house. To be honest I was bummed about the change of plans.
    So in about a month we will be moving into our house (her words).
    Thanks for listening.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You will feel a lot less ambiguous and better (about not being ambiguous) after you guys start living separately and stop communicating for a while. The way things are now, neither of you really have a good perspective on staying or going.

    EDIT: After so many years with a person, you will have established many ties. It is difficult during this time not to be reminded of every one of those ties and what it means and a relationship ends. It is painful I am sure to come across everything you have to divvy up as you are processing this. Even when these things are family and friends relationships that is about to change too.

    There will be ambivalence and certain regrets from her about her decisions, but I would not take them as signs of hope she is ready to reverse course. And I think deep down, you don't, either. When someone is about to lose something, there maybe regret and nostalgia, but it does not mean she has all of a sudden decided that she wanted to stay with a woman.

    I am a little ahead of myself here. But I just read an excellent advice by @Spygirl regarding exes on this thread: http://forums.afterellen.com/threads/friends-with-her-exes.10561/

    I hope this helps.
     
    #4
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2017

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