I want to kiss my straight friend's bi-curiou...

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by monkeyvag, Nov 1, 2014.

  1. monkeyvag

    monkeyvag New Member

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    Hey yall at afterellen. I hope you can help to snap me out of this situation. I publicly identify as a lesbian. Two of my really good friends, let's say JJ and Natasha, are a beautiful 'straight' couple. They are both, from what I can tell, very good for each other. Natasha has, however, on several occasions brought up to me the fact that if she wasn't dating JJ she would be all over women and cannot imagine herself with any other biological man. She has told me that she wished she could explore that feeling without hurting JJ, who she cares about so deeply.
    I have felt that feeling. Before i had the opportunity to first date another women, I was in love with a man. He was my everything and we took care of each other... but I had felt the same thing pop up in my mind as Natasha, and eventually, in one of the most painful struggles of my life, I had to break up with a man who had done nothing but good for me in order for me to understand my sexuality. Ever since then, I have known that I only desire relationships with biological women. But it still hurts when I remember that my ex was so perfect for me in almost every way--excluding the part that I was not sexually attracted to him as a man.
    Over the last week, Natasha and I have gotten closer and closer, connecting over life experiences that JJ and the women I've dated had never quit grasped on the same intimate level. Natasha clearly has a crush on me while also loving JJ. I also have grown to love her the more we talk. The more we hang out, the more I wish I could kiss her; and I can see that she wants to do the same.
    I'm not sure what I should think. I would never want to betray JJ, or take advantage of Natasha in this confusing state (she came out to me); although if JJ was somehow not involved, it would not be a question at all. Even if I didn't feel constrained by my friendship with JJ, it would still probably be unhealthy for Natasha and I to jump into something so quickly after she ended her last relationship. BUT I also hate to know that she feels the same trapped feeling as I felt when I knew deep down I was lesbian but didn't want to give up on my boyfriend of 4 and a half years, who was my best friend. All I needed was to be able to figure myself out. And maybe that's what Natasha feels..

    I cant just walk away from them to cool off because we talk so often and are all friends. I keep talking myself in circles to make since of this. The point is I can tell we both want to kiss each other. What are yall's thoughts?
     
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  2. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Re: I want to kiss my straight friend's bi-cu...

    Yikes, you don't want to be part of a triangle do you? If you and Natasha cheat on JJ, imagine what the fall out would be! It would a complete, total disaster!

    Natasha should be clear with JJ about what she really wants... if JJ is open to an open relationship/Natasha trying something on the side then I guess it would be ok if the circumstances and other criteria you and Natasha may have are right. Or Natasha should just break up with JJ if she has this burning desire to be with women only. The ball is really in Natasha's court - it's up to her to decide what's really the best thing for her to do.

    Meanwhile, you need to decide whether you would be okay with whatever scenarios are playing out in your mind if JJ finds out you and Natasha are secretly seeing each other or even just kiss each other. Maybe you're too invested in them as you're friends and perhaps are even projecting onto Natasha? If so, get some hobbies, find somebody else.
     
    #2
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  3. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Is JJ your friend? Because if he is, just don't do it. I can understand what you're saying about thinking you maybe might be into men, but not really knowing you aren't that into them until your first experience with a woman. However, Natasha needs to figure that one out on her own. She may be hanging around you a lot because you are a lesbian and she's struggling with not really knowing her own true sexuality. I wish I had a lesbian friend to talk to when I was younger. I had so many questions, but nobody to ask them of. Be her friend right now. If she's going to break up with JJ, let her do it without any influence from you, especially if you want to remain friends with JJ.
     
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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    This girl wants to have her cake and eat it. She is in a relationship and she wants to explore her feelings for women? That's all fine and dandy if everyone knows and us ok with it. However, if she wants to do all this without JJ's knowing, it's cheating. So the big questions are: Do you want to be the reason someone cheats? Do you want to be somones experiment? Is this girl just messing with you?
     
    #4
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Stop and think. You do NOT want to be the reason someone cheats -- and you do NOT want to betray your friend like that. Natasha has to have her own realizations without interference from you. JJ aside...what if she kisses you and regrets it...then pushes you away as a result? Coming to terms with who we are can be very much a struggle, but that's something Natasha needs to do on her own without influence from you.

    You also say: "Over the last week, Natasha and I have gotten closer and closer, connecting over life experiences that JJ and the women I've dated had never quit grasped on the same intimate level."

    It's been a week -- that's not very long in the whole scheme of things. Right now, if anything it's lust -- a week is not really that long to get to know someone. For all you know she's playing you to satisfy her own curiosity.

    And most importantly...if she's willing to cheat on someone she claims to love...then she'd do it to you. Keep everything on the up and up and if something happens eventually, you'll have no guilt and no regrets. Neither will she.
     
    #5
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2014
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Spygirl pretty much nailed it.

    You're not the coming out fairy. You do not need to help Natasha figure out her sexuality. She can figure it out on her own. She is not you. Her situation with JJ is not exactly the same as your situation with your ex. She doesn't have the right to go around cheating on JJ (and messing with his and your head) to figure this out.

    Cheating is cheating. People frequently try to rationalize it 'my wife doesn't understand me,' 'I've never connected with anyone this way before,' 'we've been bonding this week,' 'there's lots of pupil dilation,' etc...

    But in the end, it's still cheating. JJ isn't going to feel any less shitty that his gf was having an emotional affair / hooked up with a girl than he would if she did the same with a guy. She needs to be upfront with JJ, tell him honestly what is going on. And she's not going to be any less likely to turn around and cheat on you.

    You're not being very cool in this situation, either. You want to cheat with JJ's gf and have no problem crossing boundaries with her - lots of bonding, flirting, talking about her sexuality and such. You don't do crap like that to / with people who are in committed relationships.

    And yes, you can cool things off. Just take a step back from both JJ and Natasha. Be civil with them at 'group' events (like parties). But cut back or cut off how much you talk to either of them. Ignore most of their texts, hide their feeds on fb. Get more involved in an activity that you three don't have in common (yer old book club misses you). Not wanting to cool things off and not being able to cool things off are two different things.

    Clearly, you don't want to cool things off. Clearly you want to rationalize that all of this is OK (see paragraph 2). But guess what, it's not.

    There was not an apocalypse. You and Natasha are not the only two gay women left on the planet. Reach out and find some of the other gay gals out there. Y'know, ones that are gay, don't need "rescued" and won't be cheating to be with you. Just saying.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    The best case scenario is for Natasha to come out to JJ and it will be something between them. You are all friends but you can take a hiatus from them for a number of reasons, the most honest one would be you telling Natashua that since you are friends with JJ you can't really get anymore involved than you already have. Otherwise, make up some other excuse, like you have found an online love. A white lie till the heat blows over is a whole lot better than what you think you might end up doing with her. Yes, I know you want to hear something else and no one is telling you it is great that you want to help her. However, I will offer that I admire you posting this and not just jumping into things. You know it is so not okay and you are inching to be the Oppenheimer to their world. Kudos for coming here and taking this in and may the good force of AE be with you when you feel like puckering up on the wrong girl.
     
    #7
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  8. monkeyvag

    monkeyvag New Member

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    thanks so much for that. I was never going to be someone involved in cheating, it just hurts me to know that she found just a good guy but is struggling with her sexuality because I went through that when I was younger. Since then I have made it clear that I only see her as a friend, and she has been able to talk to me about her issues. It's true I really wish I had someone who know what I was feeling when I came out.
     
    #8
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  9. NinaSanz

    NinaSanz Member

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    "There was not an apocalypse" HAHAHA!
     
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  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Well, I for one, am glad that the apocalypse didn't happen. :)
     
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  11. Shakira Laura

    Shakira Laura Member

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    thanks for share
    [​IMG]
     
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