I want kids. She 'probably doesn't'.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Pensive, Jun 4, 2014.

  1. Pensive

    Pensive Member

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    Hello everyone.

    I would very much appreciate some advice... here is my situation...

    I have been with my girlfriend for 3 wonderful years and I am very certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We share such a strong bond that often we know what the other is thinking just by glancing over at each others facial expressions. I love her so deeply and respect her hugely. We share the same values and most of the same life goals. At the moment we are both very focused on our careers and dedicate a lot of time to that so it can be tough at times. I said that we share most of the same life goals because at the weekend, I asked her directly whether she would like to have children in the future. To which her response was that she, 'probably doesn't'. In my head I had sort of already planned things out (bad I know!). I thought we would have kids in 5 years time, when I am 35 and my career is a bit more settled. I planned that I would give birth and I have unknowingly become increasingly more attached to the idea. When she told me she 'probably didn't' want kids, I was so gutted. Now I am at a point of wondering what to do. There is no doubt in my mind that I love her enough to stay with her, even if she never wants kids, but I am terrified that I might end up resenting her for taking away my right to be a Mother. Equally, I am terrified that if she were to give in and let me have children, she may end up resenting me and the child. Then there is the fact that she is not sure whether she wants children or not, and there is a good chance that she will want them in 5 years time. People change and grow (hormones kick in) so there is nothing to say that she won't wake up one day and be like hey, let's get pregnant today!

    Our schedules are so busy at the moment with work and social events at weekends that I think this is making her think that she literally doesn't have time to 'fit in' a child. There is a good chance that will change in 5 years time. All of our friends are now settling down and starting families so I think weekends will become much quieter over time. This makes me think that she will change her mind by 5 years time. Am I holding on to too much hope here?

    Has anyone been through anything similar? Does anyone ave any advice they could share?

    Thanks so much for reading!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    It is probably good that you look ahead a bit, but I hope you don't get too stressed about and not be able to enjoy your present. It would be nice for you and her to be on the same page on such an important decision so I hope you can together find the understanding that when you talk about your feelings on this you are not pressuring her. And in turn when she talks about this she can be completely frank with you. I have met couples who somehow have started out a bit different but converged to wanting children. The ones who changed their minds often would say they were able to make that decision because they felt no pressure from the spouse but knew very well their spouses' desires to have kids.

    I wonder if your partner is worried that she is just not up to the task, for that is a common reason I hear from people. I have watched couples raising their kids, not too many lesbian couples, but the ones I know would get into a lot of fixes with the kids as they grew because they are not all on the same page on how to raise them. I see very tired couples who barely know each other because of kids and worries about finances. I am not trying to talk you out of it, but as an outsider, I see how hard it is for folks. If she sees the same then the thought might be overwhelming to her. Sometimes, I also see that in certain families where none of the siblings seem to want children, maybe her reluctance has a family component to it?

    One last thing, as I have supported friends who have gone through difficult pregnancies, they all seem to think age matters a lot when you conceive and carry children. I hope others can chime in on this because I am just repeating things I hear.
     
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  3. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Chiming in!

    Goof you are finding out now. But its is true... your biological clock is winding down. Would you consider adoption?

    Honestly, there will never be a GOOD time to have child. It was a shock when the wife got pregnant, its not on or budget, we have work to do, etc. I DID NOT want another child. But we made it work and had a beautiful boy and wouldn't trade him for the world. But she was over 30 and it was a scary and difficult pregnancy. Over 30, the concerns from the OB start rising, each year adds the likelihood of problems. More likely to have a child with downs syndrome, etc. Past 35, those odds quickly get worse. Sure, there are lots of women who have children well into their 40s without problems... but many do.

    How would you get pregnant? There are low-cost (donor friend - maybe a gay man) to expensive - costing thousands. Factors you need to know.

    Your girlfriend is not required to ever get pregnant. And you are right... either you may will resent her, years from now or she may you. People have children ALL the time and continue to work, live and play. Your parents may be happy to have a grandchild too.

    Good luck
     
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  4. Pensive

    Pensive Member

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    Thank you both very much for your responses.

    I actually never imagined my age to be an issue in all this. I am a very fit and healthy 30 year old. I run regularly and take very good care of myself. Downs syndrome post 35 is certainly a scary factor to consider, but in early thirties I believe the risk is still small. The risk will also vary from person to person. I think in active, healthy people the risk will certainly be lower, but obviously it is still something to consider.

    To get pregnant we would most likely pay for fully screened donor sperm, and for the services of a fertility clinic to aid in the process. We would definitely use a donor who would be OK with being contacted should the child wish to contact them. I am, sadly, aware of the cost implications of all of this, but I think we could manage it.

    Talking about this has been really helpful. It has forced me to think deeply about it and what I have realised is that I will have a great life either way. If we choose to have kids, then obviously that will be enjoyable. However, if we choose not to, then we will still be surrounded by all our nieces, nephews and close friends' progeny, but we can hand them back at the end of the day. Plus, we would be significantly better off financially which always helps! So, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad.

    I guess I just like the thought of growing old and having the kids come around for big family holidays. But, this is the woman that I want to be with and what will be will be, I suppose.
     
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  5. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    "I thought we would have kids in 5 years time, when I am 35 and my career is a bit more settled. I planned that I would give birth and I have unknowingly become increasingly more attached to the idea." Too late... in your head and hormones, YOU want to have a child. Perfectly normal. Even gay men want to have KIDS. Talk to a counselor it, most likely they would agree.

    Hours ago, after feeding my baby. I look into his eyes, talking to him. I see the gears working behind those eyes. I look forward to him crawling, standing, walking, running, jumping... growing. Borrowing someone else' kids is not the same thing.

    Your own physical health is a factor, you could be a super healthy 35yr old woman... but your eggs are older than your birth. Healthy women at 20 years old have failed pregnancies. The odds get worse with age. My wife spent weeks in a hospital, our son on sensors and monitors. I'd fall asleep to his 160bpm heart rate in the room, knowing he was alive. He almost didn't make it. Having children is SCARY stuff and it never ends... even when they grow up.

    Since the process takes a long while... you'd need to start sooner than later. Having a KID-FREE home is great. No messes, no toys, no yelling, no time-outs, no crying, no bills. But we enjoy picking out clothes, snuggling, etc. I'm still in shock and awe to have a little me.

    Remember, adoption is an option. No mess / pregnancy issues. Pre-baked kids :)
     
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  6. lovemyfamily

    lovemyfamily Member

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    My partner and I were together almost 10 years before we started the process to have kids. At 36 , we were both physically and reproductively healthy , and got pregnant quickly. We now have 9 year old twins. Our life is more different, hard and amazing then I ever could have imagined. We didn't sleep much for the 1st 18 months of their life, and our kids fight and whine with the best of themBut there is nothing like their smiles and hugs, watching them succeed at new things and develop into little independent people who think you are the greatest singer in the world when the reality is you can't sing a damn note.

    My biggest regret is that we didn't have our kids sooner. You certainly don't need to make any decisions now so no need to put pressure on yourself or your partner. If your biological clock starts ticking louder, there are a couple of routine test ( covered by most health insurance) your doctor can do to confirm your reproductive health.

    Continue talking about it with your gf, a " probably doesn't" is a whole lot different than a " no". It sounds like you have a great relationship, where kids or no kids is notnecessarily a deal breaker for either of you. If you choose to be a parent it will be the hardest but greatest thing you will ever do. good luck!
     
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  7. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Don't stress out too much.

    I was in a very serious 5 year relationship, and somewhere mid-through we talked about marriage and having kids. I wasn't opposed to getting married to her, but the thought of having kids actually completely freaked me out. When she brought it up, I kind of wanted to sink into the chair and hope a hole would develop in the ground so I could sink into it.

    For me, I've never really seen myself as the mothering type. I am afraid of having children because I'm afraid that I will be a horrible mum. Admittedly, I'm also afraid of holding babies just in case I break them. I know that sounds really stupid but it's true. However, I do like playing with older kids. Over the years that we were together, my resistance to having children went away to the point where I was actually ok at discussing their names.

    While I am no longer with that girlfriend of mind, the thought of having children with my future wife doesn't phase me at all. In fact, I wouldn't mind having kids.

    Just give her some time and tell your partner your thoughts as well. Good luck! :)
     
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