I need verification

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by JustaGirl, Oct 2, 2017.

  1. JustaGirl

    JustaGirl New Member

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    Hello ladies (this is long be forewarned),

    Well, what can I say. I feel kind of silly posting this, but I am still not over something that happened to me with a girl six years ago. Yes, six. Essentially, there was no closure, and I have some PTSD from it. I really want to move on but the experience still lingers in my head (it did all play out over the course of three years, so that's probably why). Anyhow, I know the internet is not the best place for this. I'll probably end up heading to therapy, but a little advice on Aftterellen can never hurt with these types of things ;)

    Well, we'll call this girl B. B and I met in high school. Now, I don't really care to know if B liked me (I would have posted in the does she like me section). I just kind of want to know for my own sanity if I was reading things right and not insane myself, and what the hell B could have been thinking to act the way she did to me, which was, pretty inexcusably bad.

    Things were normal with B and I initially. We were actually pretty friendly. Then she started to ignore me-it was like I didn't exist. I was attracted to B and still am, so that was pretty rough. I thought she hated me. We kept being invited to some mutual get togethers and saw a lot of each other, and suddenly one day it changed.
    Now, fair warning, I do consider some of the things B did to me as sexual harassment- hence me saying I will go to therapy. I know someone here is going to say "You should see a therpist," and I agree with that, and am going to, just full disclosure.
    At this friends get together B and I were alone. I was walking behind her and she stopped, and stuffed her butt into my, uh, crotch. I was completely taken aback. Here was the girl who had ignored me, doing this? I was uncomfortable, for sure. We walked to the other room in silence.

    After that party things got odd. At class a few days later, I turned to B and she made a weird seductivey-sexual-crazed face at me, then proceeded to make kissy faces at me, and then stuck her tongue out at me. She later started putting her head on my shoulder a lot (which I guess I liked, but I was still, as they, shooketh). At one point she stared deeply into my eyes and brushed some of my hair behind my ear. I know she did some other things but I can't remember.
    The hardest part of all this is that she got with a guy not shortly after (and is still with him...). I was really confused, especially since she said this a week before going with him:
    Me: You likey likey A! (I'll just call him A)
    Her: Ugggg, never mention him again! I am so confused! It's people like you who make my life confusing!

    Two days before she went out with him, they were talking in the hallways together. Someone (her friend), said they must've been hooking up. Then this conversation ensues:

    Friend: You totally got with him!
    Her: No, nothing happened, leave it alone. (Then whispers to me)- This must be beautiful music to you.
    Me: Idk what you mean?
    Her: loud, beautiful music.

    ???? lol.


    Anyway, after she went out with him, I thought it was over between us. I mourned and moved on. Sadly, she didn't stop while she was with him. Sometimes she'd still manage to lay her head on my shoulder. We were walking once and she suddenly looked into my eyes and said, "Can I come visit you, wherever you are?" Then later, she slapped my, umm, behind, and made a sort of "ahhh" sound while doing it and staring longing at it (my behind). When she was walking with A onetime, she groped my side, and sort of, umm, massaged it while she did it. Funny thing is I didn't know who did it intially. I turned around and no one took responsibility, then I turned and saw her and A walking away from me, and she was on the side that would have been closet to me. I do consider these last two things sexual harrassment and am pretty scarred when thinking that she thought she could do that and I would be ok with it.

    She continued also to make weird faces at me. They were sexual and seductive and almost like...she was bemused with me? It was weird. Sometimes too, I'd park my car next to her and she would happen to still be in hers. I could see through her window, and most times she's cross her arms and make this pouty face, almost like a five year old who didn't get their toy. She would just stay in her car while I got my stuff and walked away, even though she looked completely ready to get out and go. It was like since I was there, she couldn't get out of her car?


    Ok ok, this is getting way too long. There is more but this should suffice. I feel like I'm coming across as a needy loser who can't get over a girl. I know the best advice is to move on, but how she acted was so strange to me. I know none of you ladies are her, but do you have any guesses to what she was thinking? Have you ever acted like this to another girl, and been well...sane? lolol. I told my friend and he said she was just acting out because she was confused. To me it seemed intentional and malicious. I guess I just want someone to confirm my sanity, since I told her how I felt about how she acted, and she denied any of it happened.
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    For as much as you have written, I'm left with a lot of questions. Like, for example, what is your sexual orientation? What is hers? If she had given you an opportunity to pursue something, would you have taken it? Did you ever tell her how you felt? Did you act in a way to give her a clue that you might like her more than a friend? Maybe she was also into you?Maybe she has her own issues about sexual orientation to the point where she couldn't confront those issues?

    And let's be real -- though she was overtly flirtatious with you and touchy, I'm not sure if I'd define that as sexual harassment. (I tend to look at things in legal terms). I'd definitely define her actions as very inappropriate, and I'd definitely state that she was very hot/cold with you -- i.e. giving you enough to perhaps keep you hanging. Maybe she knew you liked her?

    You also can't live in the past. Here's the thing...people play games. Lots of games are played when dating...people will lead you on, then drop you as if you never mattered. People might actually like you and be too afraid to tell you they like you...people might be like her, acting flirtatious in hopes of eliciting some sort of reaction from you. People can also be very cruel. There's no way to know what her intentions were, whether she intended to be mean or whether she had more going on. Maybe she just didn't have the maturity to handle any sort of real relationship with you.

    I'm certain what you were seeing was very real to you -- but you have the power to decide how to let this affect you, if you let it affect you at all. Whether intentional or not, she toyed with your feelings, it doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. It doesn't mean you're not sane. Don't waste your time wondering "what if" on someone who couldn't be honest with you.
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Firstly, I am a little confused. Your profile page says that you are 26 and this happened back in hs. Even if you were an older senior when this happened, that would have been 7-ish years ago. That is a long time to be hung up on someone who maybe kinda flirted with you a little.

    So first question: are you actually 26? If not - how long ago did all this stuff happen and how long did it last? Obviously, if someone flirted with you for years, it is more confusing than if they just did it for a few weeks.

    I have no idea what her motivations were. She is the only person who can answer that with certainty. Not that she will be honest with you, mind you. Usually with stuff like this when someone flirts and runs hot or cold it means:
    1) they don't really like you, but they like attention
    2) they like you a little bit, but not enough to want more than flirting
    3) they aren't sure of their sexuality and are 'experimenting' - in this case, flirting to see if they like flirting with girls
    4) they know that they are gay or bi, but aren't comfortable with it / with being out. they flirt, but are unwilling to take things any further.

    If you really do feel like you are still hung up on this girl from many years ago, it's probably not a bad idea to see a therapist. If you really do feel like you have some kind of "PTSD" (your words, not mine) from this, you probably should see a therapist. If you feel like she "sexually harassed" you (again, your words) and still feel messed up over it - yup, talking to a therapist is good.

    It sounds like there is a bunch you haven't posted about, so I am not trying to judge your experiences / reactions. It does sound like it would be good for you to get them off your chest and talk to someone you trust, or someone anonymously about stuff.

    Good luck, I hope you feel better.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Your feelings are valid. I think I would have felt the same way. She was not confused unless in a universal sense you want to think of all who do bad things as confused people. She was testing her powers over you as she was probably not knowing where she stood herself with that-guy-she-was-not-with. I think it probably had a lot to do with her own messed up love life and she used you for shots of self-esteem whenever things were going sideways with her and the guy.

    You are very smart to not just bury it but deal with this. It was good to confront her even though she denies things. All the things you try to do for yourself only makes you stronger. Very smart as well about seeking a therapist. Please take care.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
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  5. JustaGirl

    JustaGirl New Member

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    Thanks for all the thoughtful replies, guys. It feels really good to talk about, as I've kind of repressed it for a long time time because I thought I was just misreading it. The only person I've talked to about it is my best guy friend-as you'd imagine he's not super helpful lol.

    To clarify the questions: Idk why it says I'm 26, I'm 22 so I probably messed up my age on the form thingy..lol I do that all the time

    As far as my orientation, I am gay. However, in high school I was not out at all. I am not super girly but defintely present as a feminine woman. To know my orientation you'd really have to look hard and be interested, I would think. When she first started coming onto me, I got scared-I thought through some magical superpower she knew I was gay. Did everyone know?--etc etc--it made me feel scared.

    As far as her orientation, I don't know, unless you count the really vivid, profound dream where she came out to me as a lesbian. I still remember that dream to this day, it was the realest dream I've had.

    However, I know from a friend who knew her before that she was a real tomoboy growing up, and she even said it herself. However, this friend says it all changed one day, and then it was all makeup and boys boys boys..almost like overkill.

    There was one comment she made that had me thinking she thought I was straight...she said goodbye to A and then while walkong with me, said "Oh boys, what will we do with them?" That was right before she said can i come see you whereever you go. She also sang "A whole new world" to me (as Aladdin) lololol. She claimed she was in a "strange mood"

    The flirting went on right up until my last day of high school. I thought it was over when she went with the guy but no. In my mind, she emotionally cheated on him. Who flirts like that when you are satisfied in a RS? But I digress.

    At one point I had to block her on FB b/c I couldn't stand all the cutesy pictures. I thought she wouldn't notice but oh boy she did. Right after I did it she was walking past me and made the most disgusted look I've ever seen.

    I do know she's liberal..which is odd since the BF is christian and a republican. She liked a lot of trans stuff on twitter. Also, seeminly out of nowhere she started following Ellen Page.

    Hope this clarifies some stuff.
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Oh wow, she gave YOU a disgusted look for blocking her?? What she did was predatory and disgusting. She is one of those people I would have liked to see dropped kick out of high school to a "whole new world".

    I am so glad you are working through this. I know you want to understand where she'd come from and if she had somehow gaydarred you, and I understand that there is some sort of comfort in details when bad things happen to people. There is no doubt what she did to you was something that makes smoke come out of my ears and reading this I could care less what her mental make up was, what your orientation is, nor do I care what you looked like at the time but what she actually DID to you. You did not ask for any of this treatment from her. It would not have mattered even if she had piqued your momentary interest. It bothered you for so many years and that is also what she did to you. You are being strong and confronting this and seeking help and to me that is always heroic. I wish you all the best. ((hugs))
     
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    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
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  7. JustaGirl

    JustaGirl New Member

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    Awww thank you <33 xoxo
     
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  8. JustaGirl

    JustaGirl New Member

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    Also thank you for validating her behavior was disgusting. I thought so too. It was so hard for me because even though this chick really blows, I was/am physically attracted to her. In fact, she's one of the only girls I've ever been into physically. She was also kind of the "blond-bombshell" type. None of those things make it any easier.

    I've tried to start dating people to find that yes, I can be attractive to a nice, accepting woman. Unfortunately for me I rarely get sexually attracted to anyone, which is definitely part of the reason I keep going back to this. But I am going on dates which is a good self esteem boost.

    Unfortunately because we share so many mutual friends I still see pictures of her from time to time online, which sucks. But, I saw a recent one and she cut her hair and is wearing far less makeup. Lol, idk why I'm still so hopeful she'll get mentally fixed and apologize to me. And sadly I am still really into her with neck-length hair and no makeup. Sigh.

    Hopefully I will meet my princess charming soon so I don't even have time to think of this ;)
     
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