I need advice on how to move on from here

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by denthemannequin, Jun 23, 2019.

  1. denthemannequin

    denthemannequin New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2019
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    removed by author
     
    #1
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2020
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    599
    Sweetheart, that sounds really hard.

    And this is not the advice that you want, but: I think you should let the breakup stand.

    That fight sounds dreadful, and mostly because it seems terribly reactionary. Your responses, her responses - rather than assuming the best or trying to understand each other, the overwhelming feeling is "Ugh, this is too much, let's quit!" And this is the 3rd fight - in under six months - where that is the message. It suggests to me that your communication skills/needs are fundamentally incompatible right now.

    You need to be able to tell your partner about your feelings, your concerns, your needs. You also need to manage your own online interactions (turning off the last seen or controlling the photos you post/see). Setting boundaries around things like accurate social media or your relationship to your birthdays... reasonable. And even if it's not what she would need, or I would need, it's what you need. You're not setting boundaries at her or to hurt her.

    But when you set that boundary, about a thing that made you feel crappy, her response was not, "Oh babe, I'm sorry, I didn't realize. I'll be more careful in future." (This is legitimately a way she could have responded! Just yesterday I set a boundary with my wife about PDA, and explained why, and she was like "Oh, I thought it was okay because X, thanks for explaining Y, is there anything else I need to know?" and she was upset and embarrassed and did not make that my problem.) Instead of centering your feelings when she did something that hurt them, she made it all about her emotional response to your boundary. The only thing I can conclude is that she needs to be able to act with impunity and have her intentions erase her impact, that she needs to never receive feedback about how her actions affect you. She is teaching you that by being super dramatic, threatening to break up, and then actually breaking up with you when you set a boundary - the only way forward for this relationship is for you to stop setting boundaries! And that sucks.

    This is not a good relationship, honey. No matter how much you like her and how great it was, I think you should let the summer be a fling and let it go now, because it's clear it isn't make the transition to long-distance and long-term in a way that's healthy. Take the things that you've learned, mourn the relationship, and let go.

    ---
    Re: the ticket - yeah, it sucks to swallow that much money, and I know that at 22 you don't have much extra. But I would not go to visit her, since I really really don't think this relationship is one you should pursue. The phrase here is "don't throw good time/energy after bad money;" if you can't get a refund, don't compound the cost by putting yourself in such a negative situation.

    With your family, you could... not tell them the trip was off? Maybe stay with other friends somewhere nearby for that time, and give yourself a mini-vacation. You could also tell a white lie that you needed to cancel because your friend has family visiting or has a huge exam coming up or something.

    Wishing you strength, space, and healing.
     
    #2
    greylin and denthemannequin like this.
  3. denthemannequin

    denthemannequin New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2019
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you so much for your advice. Really helped me see things even clearer. Really appreciate it.
     
    #3
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    599
    I'm glad. You deserve to be heard, and to have a partner who prioritizes clear communication. Six months is too short, and 22 too young, to sink more time into a relationship that is not working.

    Treat yourself kindly. Let yourself be sad. And think about all the things you want and deserve in the future.
     
    #4

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice