I need advice on how to move on from here

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by denthemannequin, Jun 23, 2019.

  1. denthemannequin

    denthemannequin New Member

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    Hey everyone, this is my first time posting on here. I could use some help and advice from others because right now, I don't know what to do. I am on the verge of a mental breakdown

    I (22F), was in a relationship with a girl (22F) for about 6 months. We were acquaintances on social media prior to dating. As time progressed, we got closer, and our connection became romantic, although it happened online (we are in an LDR). When she came back to the country for her college break, we started dating, and decide to continue with the LDR when her school term started and once she had to fly back. We were serious about each other, and knew it was gonna be hard, and still, we did what we could. We made it a point to call each other every night, and leave the call on and fall asleep and wake up together. I trusted her wholeheartedly - I know that she will always be faithful and loyal. We sent each other flowers, small gifts, letters. We were very much in love. We made plans for the future. I wanted to marry her eventually. Basically, I'd like to think that we were each other's safe haven.

    Like every other relationship, we obviously had our downfalls and arguments. Personally, we had our own struggles. I am clinically depressed and am seeking regular treatment. I have had past negative experiences with my previous exes - being passive aggressive, and insecure about cheating. There were several occasions whereby I brought that into the relationship which really hurt her, and I admit that those mistakes were on me. One of those arguments turned into a huge fight, and we almost broke up. However, we decided to give it another shot and it turned out great, until this incident occurred, which led to the breakup which really happened.

    It was our half year anniversary, and she posted a picture of us together on her Instagram. The caption was pretty much nonsense - just her sense of humour. However, it did trigger me, even though I know she didn't mean to. Basically, instead of mentioning that it was our 6th monthsary, she pretended that it was my birthday and got people to wish me. She basically being playful with no malicious intent, but it went overboard. She asked one of my friends to wish me, who got confused and asked me about it. I am triggered by birthdays - don't really wanna go into detail - so when she added another comment to the post - "haha, nobody wished you!" it made me upset. So i talked to her about it. Immediately, she felt bad, because she knew of this particular trigger, and it slipped her mind. So she apologised. I further explained and reminded her how this particular trigger can affect me, so that she can understand me better. I then accepted her apology, and was willing to move on from this. However, she acted cold to me that night, and gave me one word replies when I tried to initiate a conversation.

    I was so confused. And afraid. I was starting to feel guilty about my trigger and my hypersensitivity. I was scared that she may be mad and it may destroy the harmony of the relationship. So i gave her space that night - we didn't talk that night. The next morning, she didn't text me either. I was getting very very anxious, and compulsively checking her last seen on the chat, because the silent treatment was starting to get to me. To avoid bursting, I turned off my last seen - so that I wouldn't be able to see hers, and just tried to occupy my mind and not overthink.

    It was only in the evening that she texted me, asking me if I was upset, and asking me for the reason of turning off my last seen. I explained to her, and she made it clear that she was not angry - just needed time to think. However, she brought up several points:

    1) She felt like I don't trust her not to repeat the same mistakes again, when I explain my feelings. She mentioned that by explaining even further, it makes her feel worse - which explains her being a little cold and uncontactable that night. Because she claims to already understand my POV, and me continuously explaining makes her feel like i don't trust her, and on top of that, it makes her feel even more guilty. I felt like the focus was shifting to her instead of me, even though she hurt me, but i tried so hard to understand her POV, so i left it at that.

    2) She said that by turning off my last seen, I was being passive aggressive again. I have messed up previously in our previous fights by childishly removing pictures of us when I was upset, but I learnt not to do that anymore. However, instead of understanding why I did that, she kept on focusing on the action itself. Even though I have assured her that i didn't turn it off to diss her or anything. She said she understood.

    We did talk things out and I thought everything was fine. The next morning however, she started being emotional and brought it up again. She went on and on about how she is upset that we lack trust in each other, and was wondering if our relationship was toxic. She brought up how again, I don't seem to trust her when I explain my feelings to her. I became very on edge, even more so when she pointed out that I broke her trust by turning off my last seen. It felt very one sided, and her-focused. I explained, AGAIN, that from my perspective, I want to explain how I feel because it makes me feel heard. By telling me that i don't have to "tell her everything", it makes me feel like she's shutting me off, and caring more about her feelings than mine. It makes me feel like she has pride, and automatically assumes she knows everything I'm feeling so that she does not have to deal with her mistakes being pointed out. She brushed it off rather harshly - saying something along the lines of, "What else do you expect me to do? Be more remorseful? Buy you more things? The only thing we can do to move on is for you to trust me" which i would have, but she brought it up in such a tactless manner when I was already moving on, so it stirred up even more hurt feelings.

    I was angry at her being so defensive, and her unwillingness to listen and try to find a middle ground, and even more - putting the focus onto her and continuously saying that I broke her trust. It felt like she was expecting me to forgive her for the trigger IMMEDIATELY, while still angry at me for "not having trust in her", and giving me shit for "breaking her trust". It felt like she was pushing the blame to me, and also made me feel incredibly unheard that all this is about her now.

    I felt so pushed into a corner. I angrily told her how she is making everything about her, and that she is so prideful, she can never be wrong.

    She suddenly went on to say things like "y'know what, I'm always causing you pain, and i don't want to make you feel that way anymore. Let's break up".

    We have talked about how we will never say things we don't mean. So while I was shocked, I didn't want to question or fight it, and just accepted it. It would have been our 3rd serious fight in which breakups were brought up. i was very tired by this point of time, and I was so angry that instead of her trying to fix the problems with me, she is dumping me. So i said okay, and that I hope she will not regret it.

    I was supposed to travel out of the country and visit her in her college in a month's time. Clearly she did not consider that. So i told her in anger that I will cancel my flight ticket, and then removed my display picture of us. When i came back to the chat, i saw that i already have been blocked by her. She went on to block me on Instagram and Twitter. I couldn't let her hurt me even more, so I blocked her on Facebook and disconnected her on our couple app.

    I feel very ashamed of retaliating, but i think at that point of time, it was a flight-or-fight response.

    I am now here, 2 days later, stuck and very depressed in this situation. I don't think that i will be able to get a refund for my ticket. I am not that rich, and the amount of money that i will be losing really really stings. My family is aware that I was supposed to travel out, and i do not know how to inform them that it may not be happening. I am very worried that i have to come out to them (again) if they keep on asking what happened. According to them, my ex and i are just friends. I think they would suspect that something is going on between us - friends usually do not have fights of this magnitude. I am very scared because it brings back a lot of memories of being given the cold shoulder for weeks by my mother when i was a teen, when i tried to come out as a lesbian.

    I don't know if my relationship is completely dead. I don't know if i should speak to her about the flight - would that make me insensitive? I don't know if the relationship was really toxic. I don't know if i deserve someone better - if SHE deserves someone better. I really love her, and i know that sometimes people do things on impulse. But she really made me feel really disposable - the fact that she just broke up with me so suddenly and abruptly. I know she is stressed (exams around the corner), and for her to have her ego constantly bruised by reminders of her mistakes must have really sucked. I don't blame her, but i wish things went down differently. I am her first serious girlfriend, and maybe she lacks the experience. My mind is in a whirlwind. Everyday i think about her and what happened. I can't help but feel like on both sides, we could have tried harder to understand each other better and communicate better. We agreed to couple's therapy when she came back, in fact. But she broke up with me prematurely.

    I think I may be having a relapse again. I am so terrified and feeling so dejected and hopeless... I really need some advice. Please help. Thank you.
     
    #1
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Sweetheart, that sounds really hard.

    And this is not the advice that you want, but: I think you should let the breakup stand.

    That fight sounds dreadful, and mostly because it seems terribly reactionary. Your responses, her responses - rather than assuming the best or trying to understand each other, the overwhelming feeling is "Ugh, this is too much, let's quit!" And this is the 3rd fight - in under six months - where that is the message. It suggests to me that your communication skills/needs are fundamentally incompatible right now.

    You need to be able to tell your partner about your feelings, your concerns, your needs. You also need to manage your own online interactions (turning off the last seen or controlling the photos you post/see). Setting boundaries around things like accurate social media or your relationship to your birthdays... reasonable. And even if it's not what she would need, or I would need, it's what you need. You're not setting boundaries at her or to hurt her.

    But when you set that boundary, about a thing that made you feel crappy, her response was not, "Oh babe, I'm sorry, I didn't realize. I'll be more careful in future." (This is legitimately a way she could have responded! Just yesterday I set a boundary with my wife about PDA, and explained why, and she was like "Oh, I thought it was okay because X, thanks for explaining Y, is there anything else I need to know?" and she was upset and embarrassed and did not make that my problem.) Instead of centering your feelings when she did something that hurt them, she made it all about her emotional response to your boundary. The only thing I can conclude is that she needs to be able to act with impunity and have her intentions erase her impact, that she needs to never receive feedback about how her actions affect you. She is teaching you that by being super dramatic, threatening to break up, and then actually breaking up with you when you set a boundary - the only way forward for this relationship is for you to stop setting boundaries! And that sucks.

    This is not a good relationship, honey. No matter how much you like her and how great it was, I think you should let the summer be a fling and let it go now, because it's clear it isn't make the transition to long-distance and long-term in a way that's healthy. Take the things that you've learned, mourn the relationship, and let go.

    ---
    Re: the ticket - yeah, it sucks to swallow that much money, and I know that at 22 you don't have much extra. But I would not go to visit her, since I really really don't think this relationship is one you should pursue. The phrase here is "don't throw good time/energy after bad money;" if you can't get a refund, don't compound the cost by putting yourself in such a negative situation.

    With your family, you could... not tell them the trip was off? Maybe stay with other friends somewhere nearby for that time, and give yourself a mini-vacation. You could also tell a white lie that you needed to cancel because your friend has family visiting or has a huge exam coming up or something.

    Wishing you strength, space, and healing.
     
    #2
    greylin and denthemannequin like this.
  3. denthemannequin

    denthemannequin New Member

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    Thank you so much for your advice. Really helped me see things even clearer. Really appreciate it.
     
    #3
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I'm glad. You deserve to be heard, and to have a partner who prioritizes clear communication. Six months is too short, and 22 too young, to sink more time into a relationship that is not working.

    Treat yourself kindly. Let yourself be sad. And think about all the things you want and deserve in the future.
     
    #4

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