I need advice badly

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by lauren.venice, Oct 27, 2014.

  1. lauren.venice

    lauren.venice New Member

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    okay, this is very hard but i need advice, and many will say i am such a shithead.
    my story
    I never knew that I was interested in woman before but on 2008, I found my self falling for a girl but I knew I can't bring my self to come out or tell anyone including my parents. So we were on a secret relationship for 4 years then I had too much pressure from my family and everyone to get married with of course a guy, and then I broke it off, and it was very hard and heartbreaking but we manage to become friends. I got a boyfriend then and when he proposed, I rethink of my feeling than my feeling for my ex just came back. I took a month off to Spain and I begged my ex to go with me (while I am engaged with this guy) and i realize I'm still in love with her, but i keep telling her not to fall for me because i can't called off the wedding. I thought the trip was our last trip or randevouz; I tried to broke it off with her but she doesn't want too then she told me I can get married but she doesn't wanna know anything about it. So, I got married and still in relationship with her but she's very ignorant about my marriage, she doesn't think that i am married and this is very hard. She's alone, her family sucks; so I'm the only support system that she have. I can't bare to broke it off again, since I love her and I am scared that she will do unimaginable thing to herself. My husband wants to have children, and I don't know what to do. If i did get pregnant what will happen to my girlfriend. Omg this is so fucked up and it is all my fault. I do love her though but I can't let go of my husband. I'm such an awful person. What do i do ?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You are not awful at all, Lauren. You know that this farce of a marriage is not sustainable or you would not be here. Are you able to drop all this and move away and live independently? Are you physically safe if you came out?

    If you are going to be physically safe, you could tell your husband the truth and get a divorce. I wouldn't tell him about the affair because it may not be safe for either of you. If you don't want to come out and just want to find a reason for divorce then maybe not wanting children would be a great reason. But, seriously, if you don't love this guy, please end it as soon as possible. You keep going the way you are going--and I am sure you are in good company with many a gay women who have had such pressures to do so--you would not really be living. You can even keep pretending, have your children and love them, but something's gonna give.

    If you really can't come out to your family, go to a different city and find employment and live your life. It is very difficult losing one's family. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Whatever you do, make sure your lover is on board and make sure your affair is not revealed, again, for your safety. Perhaps, have her keep her distance until you are separated with your husband. Or, it is not unheard of for a woman to move out and move in with her "roommate" when separated.

    But ya, be calm and don't blame yourself. You have to love who you are, you have a right to love who you are. This will all be very difficult, but you are worth it.

    *hugs*
     
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  3. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I wouldn't say I have advise for you, but just some thoughts.

    It seems that you are going through a hard time with your relationships. You may benefit from talking with a counselor, or therapist to help you put things in perspective. Figure out where you are on all aspects of your life and where to go from there. You need a support system that you may not find in your close relatives just yet. So I think that starting with visiting a therapist may help you.

    I think in this case you need to have a slightly selfish view, think of yourself first. Understand yourself, and who you are. Ideally, after that you can make a decision and feel okay with whatever that decision is, specially big ones like starting a family or ending relationships, or moving to another city.

    I wish you all the best.

    - CA
     
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  4. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Follow greylin's advice as well as CA's.

    Right now, you are cheating on your husband... on many levels. So please DO NOT HAVE Children! It'll make things worse.

    Ask yourself this question:
    1 - Do you love your husband? Don't think of the marriage part, but look into the future... 10, 20 years from now.
    If NO or not nearly as much as your girlfriend (she is NOT your ex if you are still seeing her), then do you and him a favor - get a divorce, move out. Come up with excuses and move out. Tell him you were pressured into marriage by the family and felt more obligated to them than to him. And that YOU want HIM to be with a woman that would be with him in the long term.

    If he doesn't accept (and the advice of others doesn't work) - then go with the truth. "I was a lesbian long before I meet you, the only man I ever loved or ever will. But I realized that you should be someone who gives you her heart completely".

    2 - You love him = 3 options: (A) Drop the girlfriend. (B) Continue what the affair - which *WILL* eventually crash, 1 year or 10 years... that is constant stress! (C) Have an open 3-way relationship (Either you both share the GF, or you both have your own GFs) - learn about polyamory.

    Check out this site, which has some good info on that: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html

    Option C - works if your husband is open minded.

    I'm in a bisexual poly marriage with my wife. I've dated married women with their husbands knowing what we were doing.
    I don't do anything behind my wife's back. Has she done sexual things with other men and women, yes since we got together? Yes, she told me. Guess what makes me upset with her? When she smokes, especially when she tries to hide it. Not her playing with another man and woman.

    If he's not open... you have 3 options: Leave HIM, Leave HER or Cheat until it becomes a mess.

    I too, don't think you are awful... you ended up in this situation... happens quite a bit. Thousands of gay people get divorced and to be honest with themselves about their sexual orientation. Try to seek out support groups of people who have that experience. I'm too tired to look... use google.
     
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  5. Lauren.venice1

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    Update on the situation:
    She finally broke it up with me, she said that she knew my parents has been pressuring me to have a baby soon and she she said that ever since I got married, she never felt that i was hers anymore. What tiggers this is the fact that I have to go to the honeymoon and she can't sleep and get peace while I was away; I was so heartbroken. I really do love her, she told me that we could be friends, and that she still love me. Its been 7 mths we are trying to be friends, we fought constantly ever since she got a boyfriend. I don't know why even when we are fighting like crazy, and it is so tiring, we still always make up and still talk everyday; text and calls. She said she doesn't love me anymore, and she said I destroyed her life (that she become a lesbian with me for 7 years) she does blame me for so many things. I really don't know what to do, somehow we re still always is in each other's life. She even come to my house and talk to my husband nowadays since we decided to be friends, i met her bf. Now, she always with me 2x a week and we hung out but as friends. It is nice but it just that we fought so often as well, i was jealous sometime, and sometime because i feel like she doesn't appreciate me; but every time we fought she always brings up that i was the one that left her at the first place to get married, which is true but i was forced! I love her! I still do until this day. I really don't know what to do, there's a couple of times that I was thinking of leaving her and just disappeared from her life, but I can't.. I still want to be part of her life, I really do love her..
     
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  6. Lauren.venice1

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    I don't love my husband as much as i love my gf, I'm just too much of a coward to came out and face my family and the society; i am scared because it is not very open around here. My family is hardcore chinese, they are going to die of embarrassment if I did that. I love my family. I wish i could just be free to do whatever I want but I can't. I don't know, i will probably just try to live this unhappy life that I have now and try to accept the facts that I won't ever be free to love who i love. P.s : my gf finally broke up with me because she cant stand the fact that i went to my honeymoon with my husband ( i tried my best to make this honeymoon not so much of a honeymoon, since i force my parents to come along) but she can't accept it and broke it off and now shes have a bf.

     
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  7. Lauren.venice1

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    I tried finding someone that i could talk to professionally but they don't really have it here in this country.



     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    http://www.lavendervisions.com
    Has online therapy. look over their forums. Your husband is not someone you love and your lover is not on board with carrying on with you and you have very little options but follow CA's advice and be a little selfish and figure your head out.

    I live in a free world and now very independent from my family. So it is not for me to judge you in how you are handling your situation. Nonetheless you will not have good outcome stewing in this unhappiness. No one around you will either. Don't make that depression crater. You can divorce and not have to come out. Keeping talking here or on the forums in the link I mentioned. Sending you my best wishes and healing thoughts.
     
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  9. Lauren.venice1

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    I have email the therapist in lavendervision thank you!
    Do you think you could be friends with your ex? I still can't believe my gf left me, i do understand the pain that i gave her by marrying someone else, but why can't she understand that the one i love is her after all those seven years we were together? After all the fights we still are in each other lives! Doesn't that mean anything? I just don't understand why is it so easy for her to leave me? I understand that we both don't even know if there's any future to us, but still.... How can you just unlove someone ?
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    She left because you mean so much to her. She is monogamous and does not like sharing, that was why in no conditions of your honeymoon where you brought parents, aunties and uncles, or the whole human tribe would appease her. Even though she felt so strongly she still stuck with you for years. It is not easy to love someone who will never be completely yours. She probably dreamed many a dream of living with you, having a life together, having a flat with just the two of you with pictures of every adventure all over your walls. I think she is doing this for her sanity and survival. I took a glance at the lavender vision's forums today and read a few headlines from girlfriends of married women and most of them are angry or told tales of giving up. Just count your lucky stars you are still friends. I can understand your feelings and I am rooting that you will find happiness. Please understand I am not berating you but I am trying to offer how she might have felt.

    And yes, it is possible to be friends with your ex. It all depends though.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 14, 2015
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  11. Lauren.venice1

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    Yeah, I do understand where she is coming from. Thank you graylin... She probably hated the fact that she have to share me after I got married last year.. When we first got together, we were both single and it did goes on for 6 years; until It comes the day that my parents force me to get married, and I just gave up and let them have what they wanted. I was a coward to not stand up for my gf and my self, I came from a traditional chinese family that quite well known in our town. Since, in chinese traditional family we have to obey the parents and always uphold our image; I couldn't do anything to rebel or resist. It will bring shame to my family, my parent once suspected (while i was in a realtionship with my gf, fyi I only have 1 gf) and they threw me out of the house and hit me.. ( that was just when they suspect, I couldn't imagine if they actually knew) i think they will disowned me or put me in a house arrest or something; but I did what I did because I love my parents, I couldn't bear to see them disappointed. It just that I feel so empty nowadays, like there's no point of anything.. Wish I could just get an amnesia or something that might help.
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Dear oh dear, it is not just you love your parents and that is why you got married, you don't have much of a choice. It is not safe for you to carry on the affair and it is prudent that you cover your tracks when going on these forums. If you are paying for a therapist, figure out a way not to leave a money trail. Do you think there is a way you can convince your husband to divorce you, like say you can't have kids or something? You can maybe have your family then ship you somewhere for more education and you can find a way to stay there? It is so sad when you mentioned the amnesia part, you are actually making me tear up. No one should have to be like that, you deserve to live a full life. What good is all the money and prestige that your parents have when you are so sad? I really don't understand sometimes. Please be well, please know that you are a purposeful human being and you have a lot to offer this world. Please know that you can get through this and be happy.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  13. Lauren.venice1

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    I did, I cover my name and email add that i register here. Thank you Greylin, you have been nothing but helpful. I think being friend with my ex-gf isn't healthy for me either, I'm happy when i got to spend the day with her, but we fought so much; sometime it's because I was jealous, sometime it's just because she is too sensitive to anything that I do. I hate her sometime but I still love her as much as I do before.... Btw, I have another question that I need advice on. My ex-gf seem to still feel like the benefit of being with me are still there while we are just friends; for example, I still pay for everything when we go out, I don't really mind but somehow there is this negativity in my head that thought that she is using me ? Or is she just used to it since we re together for so long? I don't know.. Sometime, I asked her to just test her if she would buy me something expensive and she would say she would if she have the money.. I don't know this is just stupid tought of mine.
     
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  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    When you have plenty of something, whether it is fame, good looks, wealth or all of the above, it is hard to know what people really love about you. I have a friend who once said that you just gotta mind people who are interested in you and what you have in common and not worry about people who don't. I would just say you need to be able to be comfortable with who you are and what you have and not worry what people are after. If she is not interested in you as a person and all she wanted was to hang out and go shopping with your purse then ya, she is not interested in you per se. Perhaps the fact that she gets jealous also tells you her feelings are real? It is probably not fair to ask a person without the coin for an expensive gift. Does she offer to treat you ever? Like is she proud of the money she earns and try to get you a little something? Consider if she has very little money and you are used to nice things that she might feel like she could not get you anything without being laughed at.

    This is all academic of course. Since you are feeling like being friends is not good for you. It is fine to take a break and explain that you just want to figure things out. You don't need to dig up any more negatives in order to be happy with this decision. Just be as kind as you can when asking for a break.
     
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  15. Lauren.venice1

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    Sometime she did but I rarely use her money to pay for anything. No, I do believe that she loved me; she made me things, little things like bracelets, sandwich and she always brings me snacks and little gifts everytime she went out of town and it makes me so happy. I don't think that she is using me. She always got really mad if she knew someone is using me or if I got cheated; It just sometime those negative toughts just there. I often times asked her that we might need to stop seeing each other, but when i do, she just brush it off by saying what re u talking about and just ignore me aboutbthis subjects; but i think deep down i know that this isn't good but i can't imagine myself without her. She is the only person that I have ever truly love.

    Grayline, I'm so thankful for all of the response, i have no one to talk about this. I mean like i have no gay community here, and its just hard. Everyone is in their closet. I think it's so much easier if I was just born straight.. Isn't? I often times thought of leaving but its almost impossible, maybe when my duty as a daughter is done, then I could just leave and be free once... I hope that she would come with me.. She said that she can't promise me that... But i really do hope that at least one day we could grow old together somewhere nice and accepting. I pray for that day to come..
     
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    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  16. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If I had a daughter like you I would think that your duty is to be yourself and a functioning member of society. I would hope that in addition to that you would be happy and be able paint the world with your talents. I hope you can find a way to be independent and be your own parent and only answer to yourself as to what a reasonable expectation is from a daughter. It is hard to break away from culture and family and it is not a matter of being cowardly. If you are conditioned from birth to adulthood a certain way it takes a lot to counter that. Also some of that culture in filial piety is beautiful and makes so much sense to society.

    It is hard to think that when you are trying to be a good daughter you can't be yourself. The two should be synonymous!

    Edit: I am not assuming that you are in Mainland China (and please don't say where you are) but PFLAG has a chapter there and have made some short films about people coming out to their parents. It maybe a resource for you: http://www.pflag.org.cn/index.asp
     
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    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  17. Lauren.venice1

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    I always wished that I was born in a western country where the people are more open minded to this sort of difference. I googled pflag, they don't have it here; I am not from mainland china, and okay I will not tell you where I am from (somewhere in Asia)

    How I wish for everything to be different, I should've just run away with my gf before be a little bit selfish (she did suggest that before, she said she doesn't care if we have money or not) but I was thinking of my parents. Then one day when I decided and agreed to run away, her father went bankrupt and sick; she couldn't add another stress to her father. We just been through so much, don't know how many fake boyfriends I had to cover my relationship with my gf to my family.
    The last beautiful memories that I have with her was when we went off to Europe for a month, I was so happy.... Don't even want to come back here. She is so different than I am. Sometime we talked about our relationship all I remember was the good times but all she remember was that we fought a lot and how much she was upset with me.
    People said with time Love will fade away right? 8 months and counting and i am still in love with her...
     
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  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    This thread is depressing.

    My parents treated me like crap. I left home and lived my own life. It's not easy to do, but it's not impossible, either.

    You had choices to make- stay at home and please your parents, run away, marry who they want you to, etc... And while some of the choices are very, very hard and can lead to suffering, the 'easy' choices lead to a lot of suffering too.

    You thought that you could get married, but keep your gf too. That is called major denial on your part.

    Now you are facing the reality that you made your choice- to stay and please your parents. Which means no gf, yes baby, no running away to somewhere more tolerant, etc...

    It's not too late. I mean, you could still leave your husband and parents and go somewhere more tolerant. But it gets harder and harder, the further you get yourself committed.

    I don't really have any advice other than to say that I am sorry. And that if I were you I would run as far and fast as I could, no matter what it took me.
     
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  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Lauren, you have a lot of regrets right now, I hope they can become your foresight for a better future. Try dealing with one thing at a time if you can. Maybe join a small tour by yourself to get away a bit to figure things out. If you want a future with someone you love, it maybe your ex, it maybe someone new all together, then you need to be eligible for one and free to do so for another.
     
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  20. Lauren.venice1

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    Bluenote,
    My parents doesn't treat me like crap, they really do love me, but they just doesn't accept being "gay" because Its something shameful here.
    As greylin said, I will go somewhere to just get away from all of this for a while. I am taking off to the states for a few months probably. I need to get over my ex-gf, she just posted a pic of her with her bf and i could feel shivers all over my body. (Fyi i am not stalking her, it was just there on my instagram feeds)
    I made my choices and i have to live with it and make this work right? Thats what everyone told me when I told then I don't love my husband.. They said you have to make it work, love isn't everything and love will eventually grow.

    Thank you for all of the advice greylin and bluenote.. I am so greatful that I found some place I could talk about my problems and you guys gave me sincere advice and support...
     
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