I love her, but I am not in love with her any...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by anonymous118, Aug 25, 2013.

  1. anonymous118

    anonymous118 New Member

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    I am in relationship with the most amazing person I've ever met and we've been together for almost three years, two and a half of which we've been living together. She's loving, caring, supportive, wants to marry me... But instead of being happy, I feel guilty because for the last year and a half all I've been thinking about is that I love her, but I am not in love with her anymore. She was become my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him, but I don't want to be in relationship with him anymore. I haven't met anyone else, nor am I in love with anyone. I am just not in love with her anymore and clearly, I don't know how to tell her for a long time already. I feel like I am constantly lying to her and everyone around, but I don't want to break her heart. I've tried to bring it up once about a year ago, but it didn't go well, so I just pretended like it never happened. I've been away, doing internship in another country for the last 2 month. During this time, she's been calling and writing me 10 times a day saying how much she loves me and misses me and I've been playing along until last week. Last week, I've told her that I'm going to be really busy for the last couple of weeks of internship as there are some tight deadlines I need to meet and that I won't be able to talk to her as much. But she still kept writing me even though I wasn't answering and today, she sent me a message asking me if I still love her? And I don't know what to say and what to do. I feel like a fraud for lying and I know that she can feel that something's wrong and I'm not happy. But what kind of person will I be if I break her heart?
     
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  2. Aurora--Faerie

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    Re: I love her, but I am not in love with her...

    In love comes and goes, that feeling is a rollercoaster depending on circumstances and hormones. If things are stressful then you will naturally feel less in love. What matters is if you love the person and care about them. I personally believe it is selfish not to work through your feelings with someone and allow the person to have a chance to make things right with you. Of course if you were in relationship with this person and not responding she will be worried. Stop being a douche! See her for who she is and give her a chance to work things through so you know for sure how you feel for her. You don't get to throw out your cake in the bathwater and eat it too... treat her with respect, and communicate with her in a respectful way. If you break up with her via message because you are long distance then you are the biggest coward. If you decide to break up with her, then at least skype or phone call. Allow her to have some closure by being a good person. And if you really do have feelings for someone else... well then it isn't healthy either to transfer from one relationship to the next. Allow yourself to see yourself more clearly and assess what you want in a relationship.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Re: I love her, but I am not in love with her...

    Advice:

    Be honest with her. Yeah, it totally sucks to have to tell a partner that you are having doubts/emotional uncertainties, but they will not go away on their own (if they go away at all). The difference between being the jackass who led her on for years and the best friend with whom things just didn't work in the end is about keeping her informed, giving her some ownership over the relationship, and not surprising her when things become untenable with a crisis. Whatever happens after you say, "Babe, I'm not sure what this feeling is and I don't know what to do, but I don't feel in love any more," she deserves your honesty and your respect at least that far.

    This is the only thing I feel comfortable telling you, without knowing you or your girlfriend. You have to clue her in, and respect her as your partner to help you move forward.

    Supporting information, which may or may not pertain to your situation:

    1. Breaking up is not a bad thing to do. I know that she is your best friend and she is a wonderful woman; when you do relationships right, most of your exes will be wonderful people. That doesn't mean that you should stay with them forever, just that you did a great job choosing a partner and building something meaningful with them. At the same time, you do not need a laundry list and legal treatise to decide that something is not working for you anymore, and that it is no longer serving you and your emotional needs.

    2. Love is, ultimately, chemistry. It's hormone soup, and passionate love is different than long-term attachment - meaning, "in love" really is different than "love," the former being mostly stress hormones like serotonin and norepinephrin that fade after 6-18 months to be replaced with oxytocin and vasopressin, the same chemicals that help parents and children attach. So, you're right: you're probably not "in love" with her anymore, because human bodies do not stay infatuated and obsessed for that long. It'd wear us out.

    The question is, then - is the "love" that you have, in absence of the passion which inevitably fades because, biology - is it enough for you? Is your long-term attachment satisfying? Is it strong? Is it what you want from a relationship? Ultimately, only you can assess your happiness with what you've got, but it's worth knowing that any long-term relationship will probably follow a similar profile, even if different in its particulars.

    3. You are not emotionally responsible for her. Seriously, whatever you do, do it because it is honest and what you need to do. If you decide that this relationship does not make you happy, it will hurt her; that doesn't make it a bad choice. While our job as people is to be kind and honest, we can't take on other people's emotional well-being at the expense of our own. If she is hurt by what happens between you, that doesn't make you the bad guy; it just means that she has some healing to do. Your girlfriend - your caring, kind, supportive girlfriend - deserves to be with a person who truly loves her and cares for her, and who can't imagine anything better that being her wife. She thinks that's you - and maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Staying with her to fulfill that belief if it isn't true, thought, is not a caring, kind, supportive thing for you to do; what she wants is love freely given, not guiltily handed over, and for your happiness to be as true and complete as hers. Giving her less out of duty will hurt her in the end.

    Like I said, I don't know what you should do, whether your unhappiness is a result of unrealistic expectations or the slow fading of something that was once perfect. Only you can assess where the gaps are, and figure what steps will move you forward.
     
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