I lost a friend because of my crush on her.

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Amber M., Oct 25, 2016.

  1. Amber M.

    Amber M. New Member

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    Hi. So I'm new to AE & I just realized there's forums so I thought maybe I could get something off my chest & maybe get some advice/outside opinions? So this is kind of a story with a cry for help at the end so sorry if it gets long >,<

    So I had a friend. She was my only friend (I'm cyber schooled so I don't really have many friends. We became friends when I was in brick & mortar high school) When I say she was my only friend I'm not being dramatic or anything, she's literally the only person I talked to for months besides my family & random people online that I'm not friends with. Anyway I started getting close to her cause she always would try to talk to me even though I've always been very quiet and introverted & never talked unless spoken to. She kinda got me to come out of my shell, which, no one ever really did completely. She became my best friend even though I don't think I was hers. I was kinda just another friend to her I think. So, getting to the point, I've always thought she was so so pretty & super cool. We like a lot of the same things like alternative music, art, crystals, fashion & makeup. Then, I found out something else we have in common. She came out to me as bi. I came out as bi to her about a year earlier (I use bi/pan/queer interchangibly for myself) & I always kinda had an idea that maybe she wasn't straight.

    So after she came out to me we talked a lot more because now we had more things in common & we kinda understood each other (especially since we live in a very 'redneck'/conservative area of PA lol). Well we hadn't seen each other in over a year because of the cyber school transition & she invited me to her Sweet 16. I was super excited to see her finally.... but then .... she told me about how she invited her girlfriend. She joked to me about how her mom thought she was just a friend that she goes to hang out with pretty much everyday (cause they're neighbors). I didn't know why but I got a little jealous.

    Fast forward to the party, I arrived, late as usual & got a escorted upstairs where the court was hanging out. Up there I met some girls that I hadn't seen/talked to since I was in brick & mortar & we all talked & caught up really quickly. They asked me where I disappeared to ect. I wondered where my friend was... and then finally she came up the stairs. She was taller & her glasses were gone (I think it was the first time seeing her without them) & her hair was long & shiny & she was wearing a long, sparkley, champagne colored dress with a tiara on her head. I seriously couldn't stop staring & I just got major butterflies. She squealed when she saw me and hugged me really tight & I just didn't want to stop hugging her. I shrugged all of this off as me being excited about my reunion with my friend. I met her girlfriend & she was really nice so I told my friend I was happy for her. The party was fun & I texted her the next day thanking her for inviting me & she thanked me for the moonstone necklace I got her. I told her I would try to get out of the house so we could hang out more & she said she was down for anything.


    And then I started having dreams.. Romantic dreams.

    These dreams were basically about us dating & holding hands, me calling her my girlfriend & whatnot. They weren't sexual but I always woke up really disappointed. I remember in one of my dreams thinking I was so lucky cause she was so out of my league & I'm awkward & not social whatsoever & then waking up thinking like 'yeah that's why we're not actually dating' At this point I didn't know how to process these feelings I was having for her. I knew I was queer but I told myself the only reason why I was imagining these things was because she's the only out queer girl in my community (that I know, anyway). She would text me casually & I didn't know how to even talk to her. I didn't know what to say I felt so weird & I never felt this way with her. We were friends because she was the only one I wasn't awkward talking to. I didn't know if I should tell her or if that would make it awkward between us.
    Then I had another dream. It was the first dream I ever had where I was kissing someone. In the dream we were making out in my room & things got a little more serious. We didn't 'go all the way' but it was definitely a .. passionate .. dream. I never texted her again after that. By this time I accepted that I had a crush on her & that I couldn't tell her cause she'd never like me back & she was in a relationship.

    It's been 4 months now & she hasn't really tried to contact me (not that I know of anyway. I deleted all my social media apps that we talked on- she just hasn't texted me) I totally distanced myself from her & lost my only friend. I don't know what to do. Should I reach out to her again? If I do should I tell her why I stopped talking to her? Should I just let it go since she hasn't texted my number anyway? I miss her so much but I don't want to get attached to her again. Help? This is probably a hopeless case but thanks always in advance to those who read this whole thing & may try to help in some way.

    **some notes**
    -I'm 16
    -I literally live in the woods
    -my family are the only people I'm out to (besides her & one other old friend)
    -She's the first girl I've developed a crush on that I actually ever talked to (all my other crushes on girls were either celebrities or girls I would admire from afar & didn't really know their personalities)
    -I started cyber school because of all the anxiety attacks/panic attacks I was getting in school daily were making me physically ill & unable to concentrate so I started skipping (which caused truancy problems, missed school work, ect. it was a mess)

    thanks again everyone x
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Amber:

    I think you are a very self-ware and noble 16 year old! You are trying to do the right thing and not get in between her and her girlfriend. Also, you are probably trying not to torture yourself with this crush by staying away. I am sorry she is not reaching out to you but I am sure that like most 16 year olds, life is plenty busy and harsh keeping up with all the requirements that high schoolers need nowadays to prepare for college.

    The good news is, I think she has opened up for you what it is like to have a close friend, and, perhaps what you will eventually want in a date. High school can be difficult in finding friends but things do get easier in college. Meanwhile I get how you can be awful lonely. Would you consider joining any sports? Perhaps an independent team for non brick and mortar schoolers?

    As far as whether you want to check in on her, maybe it would be good to set a goal to go to one social thing first, then see how it goes. It is probably a good thing that she doesn't become a crutch for you to not reach out for others but a true blue friend that you can just call up and have a cuppa with. You sound like someone fantastic and I hope you scare up some other friendships soon.
     
    #2
  3. Amber M.

    Amber M. New Member

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    Thank you so much for your advice. I'll probably try to reach out to one of my older friends that I lost contact with & maybe try to make new friends before I think about reaching out to ~her~. I just really miss her a lot. I've been trying to focus on school as a distraction but it can be pretty lonely sometimes. My brothers friend invited me to a Halloween kickback and I was going to pass on it but I think I'm gonna try what you said & do my best to reach out to others. Thanks again x
     
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  4. mariannek2u

    mariannek2u Well-Known Member

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    Good thing you said you are only 16. I wouldn't have guessed by your post.
    I remember myself at that age not knowing if i should or shouldnt text the person that i liked. Maybe getting your social skills up am running again migjt be a good idea. Meet some new people and maybe then text her again. Just to see how she is doing. That way you might not rely on her so much as she is no longer your only social contact. Perhaps a lgbt community? That way you can a) meet new people b) meet some nice ladies perhaps ;)
    But that just might be my 16 y old self thinking this ;)
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    So glad you are gonna spend some time with other people. I wish you a very happy Halloween.

    Sorry for my always-worried old fuddy duddy warning:

    You are a sensible person. However, a lot of sensible people are also polite to a fault. So don't worry about turning down drinks or watering plants with them, especially with open drinks. It is always okay to say no to anything you are not comfortable with.

    I actually have a friend who has most certainly killed a hapless houseplant during a New Years party. She's a grown up and was with close friends and their families so she went with the flow, stayed safe and had a great time.
     
    #5
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2016
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Hello @Amber M. , welcome to AE. I am really glad that you posted here. I hope that you stay and post more.

    I am going to answer your post, but first I am going to tell you a little bit about myself (bear with me, this will make sense in a bit). You see, like you, I grew up in a conservative area. Not the woods, the farms, but still very conservative none the less. Like you, I started to suspect that I was gay as a teen. In my case, I was on the 'bi now, gay later' plan, but I have no reason to doubt your bi / pan identity.

    Like you, I had very few people to talk to about it. Seeing as I was born when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, (dumb joke, i know) coming out was just not something that one could do. Fortunately, I belonged to some clubs at school, which was my 'in' to the 'alternative' crowd. Through that, I was able to meet people who were at least straight allies and a few gay people too. But I was still very lonely.

    I didn't get over being really lonely until I had been in college for awhile. Because there, I could finally come out.

    Now, my story is a bit different than yours, but in ways it is similar. I don't pretend to know everything that are going through, but maybe I have some ideas about it.

    Firstly, if there was one thing that I could go back and tell 16 year old me it would me - IT GETS BETTER.

    It really, really truly does get better. You are just a few years away from being an adult and being able to do things that you want, like going to college, or traveling, or moving to a big city, or moving to a liberal area, or any other thing that you want to do. And I get that it feels like forever, but it is really not that far away. It will be scary, but it will also be so, so worth it.

    I moved from my conservative area, went to college, traveled some, settled on the east coast, met a wonderful woman and got married. We are now very boring lesbians with two cats and all other kinds of lesbian cliches that you can think of.

    The second thing is, if you can find ways to get out and be with people more, that would be good. Joining clubs is one way. Volunteering is another. Doing activities - anything from band to community theater to sports can help. You may still be able to do activities at the brick and mortar school, even though you don't go to class there - maybe discuss this idea with your parents.

    If you are out to your parents, you can also see if you can go to a gay / straight alliance, or gay support groups somewhere. And you can always try to sneak in little gay culture - road trip to a Brandi Carlile concert, for example.

    You can meet people online, but you have to be careful about it. After all, there are a lot of creepy people out there willing to take advantage of each other.

    Third thing, I don't quite know why you quit talking to your friend. Did you do it because you felt bad about having a crush on a girl? Because it was painful having feelings for her, but not being able to act on them? Because you felt guilty for liking her when she had (has?) a girlfriend.

    You don't need to feel guilty for liking girls. For some reason, some of us are just born this way.

    I get that crushes can be very painful, but they are also part of life. You won't be able to spend your whole life running away every time you get an inconvenient crush. We all get them, we all have to learn how to handle them. I get that the pain of feeling isolated plus the pain of this crush were too much. But hopefully if you work on being a bit less isolated, then this will all be easier for you to take.

    If you pushed her away because you felt guilty having a crush on a girl with a gf - don't. Look, relationships at 16 are rarely serious. Not that I am advocating cheating - I am not. I am just saying that - she's not married and won't be any time soon. Maybe she will last a long time with this girl. Maybe they will break up next month. It's OK to have a crush on someone 'taken' as long as you don't cross the line with them. This goes back to part two about learning to deal with crushes. You aren't an animal, you can have a crush on someone, without snapping and trying to put the moves on them every time you see them.

    I don't know if you should contact this girl or not. That is your decision. But I do think that you would really benefit by being a bit less isolated. it gets better, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try and make things at least a little better right now.
     
    #6
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