I let a friend down

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by anonymous78, Oct 13, 2017.

  1. anonymous78

    anonymous78 New Member

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    I let a friend down and now he won't talk to me and is acting like I did this in purpose and wanted to screw his life over.
    What happened was that I was working. He had texted me during lunch to say I was going to get a call from the passport office as he put me down as a reference. I told him straight up I might not be able to take the call because in my line of work I can only be social between jobs but if I miss the call I'll call them back when moving to another client.
    I missed the call as I expected but work with this client ran on longer than expected and I missed the chance to call back because the deadline for his express passport went over. I tried to explain my work situation but he's acting like I'm the worse person in the world, that he wants to move out of the flat we share, that this stressed him out. I was aware he was putting me down as a reference but if he had told me he was going to start the process on one of my busy days I would have told him not to start it. What do I do? I've apologised. Offered to pay the fees he paid. Tried explaining again why I couldn't answer so I don't know :/ just to be clear he has dual citizenship and has another passport so it's not like he's stuck. I do honestly feel bad I let him down but I couldn't help it.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    That just it, you have done everything you could. You have done more than your best and bent over backwards to try to find forgiveness from your friend.

    Your friend is not fair to you. He asked you to do something and expected you to go through with it disregarding the constraints of your work. You warned him and you could not have done anymore but put your work in jeopardy. You owe him nothing, because it is his own decision to put you as a reference. I would be very concerned sharing a living space with such a person and I would find a way to transition out of that.
     
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  3. anonymous78

    anonymous78 New Member

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    He's been one of my best friends for a couple of years. Generally we get on great because I'm so laid back and he's very "it's all about me" so I just listen to his dramas. I moved to a new city with him a few months ago and it's the biggest mistake I ever made because at least we had other friends to share his ego with, it's draining. It also took me months to get this job and I only started it this week so I couldn't screw it up which he doesn't seem to understand. I'm so hurt that he thinks I did this to him on purpose.

    You are right, I should rethink living with him. We are on a year lease so I don't know how this will work out. Needles to say I definitely don't want to live with him after the lease is up. He just too unstable. I never know where or when his next episode will come from.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would carefully look over your copy of the lease agreement and then go to a rentals advocate and ask if there is any recourse. Maybe you can sublease it or something. But at least make some planning, some inquiries.

    BTW, just not letting him guilt you and holding onto your job is half the battle. The rest, even if you had to wait out the lease, it is all temporary and this too shall pass. Good luck on your job!
     
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    Last edited: Oct 14, 2017
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Most people ask other people if they are okay with being used as a reference BEFORE being placed as a reference. That's called proper etiquette. It shows respect. Instead of asking you ahead of time, he was presumptuous and thus, indifferent, to your situation. This is in no way your fault that you couldn't take the call.

    Friendship should be a two way street. In his world...it certainly doesn't seem like it with him being "all about me." If he's going to get mad at you for something beyond your control, then maybe you ought to rethink the friendship.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I'm kinda missing why this total bag of tools is your best friend. And why you moved to another city without a job to be his roommate? Seriously, if this guy is your best friend, what is your second best friend like - are they an ax murderer? Why did you move to be roomies with a drama queen tool? I just really don't get it.

    My advice to you, is to not let people walk all over you so much. Seriously, this guy is a shitty friend. Tell him he is being a shitty friend and to go pound sand. Maybe if you display some backbone to him, he will back down a bit. Then, ignore his passive aggressive acting wounded antics. Then, go out and make an effort to make some friends in your new city. Real friends, not fake ones. Y'know, people who treat you nice and have stuff in common with you. At least if you have other friends, hobbies and work stuff, the drama with him won't seem so important.
     
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  7. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    What should you do? Make him read an academic journal article about the entitlement mentality and why it is bad, and you should do this for 2 reasons
    1 - it's an academic article so it'll be long-winded and a punishment in itself
    2 - he may actually twig that he's acting like a 2 yr old and needs to get over himself and stop treating his friend like shit because she didn't stop the earth's rotation at his whim

    Guy sounds like a jerk to be honest
     
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  8. anonymous78

    anonymous78 New Member

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    Oh trust me I had no idea he would be like this towards me. It's been a real eye opener just me and him. I was aware of his dramas and stresses before we moved, usually with his exes and little things would stress him out but I never thought he would speak to me like that or think his needs should come before mine, considering he knew the struggles I had getting this job so I've lost a lot of trust in him. He seems to have a lack of understanding to other people's situations if it gets in the way of his own wants and needs. To update he has said he overreacted, which is an understatement, and his passport arrived anyway without my reference so I hope he's embarrassed by his behaviour but I doubt it. I'm going to wait to gather up some money, make sure this job is totally secure and weigh up my options in the new year if he continues to act like a child. You are right bluenote I shouldn't be a walkover, and usually I'm not, but I just feel kinda stuck for now. But I'll get out there and get new friends, I do have a couple of new friends so hopefully I'll get to hang out with them more. Less time spent with him will be good and hopefully he'll make new friends too so he won't depend on me so much.
     
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