i know what i dont know

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by headcase, Apr 12, 2015.

?

have i become her safety blanket?

  1. yes you eegit

    1 vote(s)
    9.1%
  2. no, not necessarily

    2 vote(s)
    18.2%
  3. maybe

    8 vote(s)
    72.7%
  1. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    I'm in love
    I'm in lust
    I'm in no man's land.

    I want everybody and I want nobody, all at the same time. Why?

    Because I want her and she doesn't know what she wants.

    We've been friends for 2 and a half years, met as post grads in college and have supported each other through family difficulties, college stresses, break ups, the lot. We've always been friends and... The dots could mean anything at this point.
    Fact is I'm not sure if she likes me or loves me or is terrified of me. We go oout, she opens up, asks about exes, tells me about hers, connect on a friend level.

    We've kissed. I should mentimention that. A night out months ago, she asked me to take her home and kissed me. Because I'm me and didn't want her to run scared the next morning, I sobered her up, told hher to take me on a date and we,d see what happened.

    Date never haphappened. But a drunken phone call weeks later declaring her confusiconfusion about me and who she is confused me.

    And then silence...as expected. Followed by texts of I miss you.

    MonMonths on and I decided that we set some ground rules. No fooling around, just friendship. That way we don't get hurt.

    And it seemed to be working until we went out a couple of weeks ago, had drinks, talked like we used to, until of course she decided to hold my hand. Public displays are not for her so it was quite the big deal. On the walk home we bumped into a homeless lady, talked with her and she said we looked very happy. I explained thathat we were friends and the lady told her that she should snsnap me up. Her response...I know.

    Asked me home, lay on me on her sofa and told me to come and sleep with her. Just sleep. Sleep turnd into her snuggling into me, wraopiung me around her. Next morning, she told me she had dreamed about her ex and she felt OK. I told her not to freak out. Nothing had happened. Two friends sleeping.

    We went oiut for her birthday and she told me that she was afraid of being alone. Something has changed though. I can't put my finger on it, but there's a quiet acceptance of something and she has messaged me everyday since.

    We went out yesterday, had a drink, chatted about the future and as i left her to the tube she gave me a cheeky kiss.
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Is she gay? Or thought she was straight, but now is questioning that? You forgot to mention that important tidbit, which helps the reader size up your situation?
     
    #2
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  3. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    Oh sorry, didn't realise. She's had boyfriends and girlfriends in the past. I think she's struggling with who she is a little to be honest.
     
    #3
  4. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    Indeed confusing. You said it very clearly, she doesn't know what she wants. I am going to asume that you want to date your friend (?)

    I know you say you want her, however, you haven't been assertive when it comes to your relationship with her, except for asking her to take you on date. Why don't you take her on date instead? Most of what you described is that you have claimed friendship territory and not moved from there.

    If your friend is afraid and you are not stepping out of friendship she may not be completely sure that you are into her. She may not know where to start?

    I hope you can find a resolution to the puzzle. Good luck.
     
    #4
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  5. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    Thanks for your input CA. Do i want to date her? I want to settle down with her, shes the only face i want to wake up next to every morning. But i cant get involved with someone who seems to be hedging her bets. I want someone who wants me for me. I dont want to be a safety net. She knows I am interested in her, I have stepped out of the friendship zone only to be told she doesn't know where she's at. So then we agree to be just friends and everything seems fine and then I get kissed, or 5 missed calls or I miss you text msg out of the blue. Recently ive gone on a few dates and when she asks how my weekend was and i tell her, she refuses to ask how they went (which she should do if shes not interested right?) Instead she will ask me to go for a pint a few days later with her. Shes a complete mindbender. She doesnt know what she wants, she doesnt want me, but doesnt not want me. Its like a fear of commitment and a fear of letting go. I have never asked her out properly no, mainly through fear of rejection, hurt and fear that she will say yes and regret it instantly. I think even typing this, I'm waiting on a ship that's probably never going to come to shore.
     
    #5
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think what it comes down to is how much you are willing to risk.

    If she's had both gf and bfs, the issue likely isn't sexuality. My gut says that she has feelings for you and knows that you could be a serious relationship. And she is struggling with feeling safe to be in a serious relationship.

    So it's your call. You risk trying with her and getting your heart broken. Or not trying and missing out on a girl who really clicks with you.

    If you do decide to go for it, I say go slow. Just let things play out naturally. The pints happen more often, the good night kisses get longer.

    And if you decide not to go there, tell her she has to stop the 5 million I miss you texts.
     
    #6
    rac likes this.
  7. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    Quick update, having mulled over your helpful pieces of advice, I decided we needed to have some sort of conversation today. I was gearing myself up for what I needed to say when I got a message saying hello and asking how my broken hand was. We chatted for a while and I asked a question when she thought I was being sarcastic. When I explained where I was coming from, I said I'm not that bad come on now and quickly she responded with have never said you were ;). it all felt a bit more flirty. I'm Not sure where it all came from, or who started it but thought I needed to think about it more before responding or having the conversation I had planned I my head. Feel free to comment and advise. Much appreciated beautiful people
     
    #7
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2015
  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    sigh...

    She is coming to terms with the fact that she really likes you. She is trying to wrap her head around liking you by sorting it out with 'love doesn't fit neatly into boxes of gay or straight.' Really liking you is making her feel real gay, which is freaking her out.

    Then she freaked out a more because she put herself out there and you didn't pick up the message and kinda move things along. Hence the withdrawing.

    If you want to go there with someone who is still kind trying to wrap their head around being seriously into a woman - then go there. Dating someone who is still sorting things out can turn out fine, or blow up into a shitstorm. And certainly it will be more of her two steps forward, one step back - at least for awhile, if not forever. It is your call how much you want to risk.

    Right now the conversation that she needs to hear is the 'it's ok that love doesn't fit into boxes and that people are way more complicated than labels.' But what you are willing to risk is another thing.
     
    #8
  9. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    Yeah I pretty much levelled her yesterday. I see that now, she just caught me off guard and I wasn't expecting it. I'll ask her out for a drink and open with a conversation about those txt msgs and say what I should have said.
     
    #9
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  10. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    Chat happening this evening. Wish me luck :)
     
    #10
    Bluenote likes this.
  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Good luck.
     
    #11
  12. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Good luck! I hope she is just not a really good charmer and is confused or afraid of being alone. Excited to hear how it goes!!
     
    #12
  13. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    So we had our chat and I thought it went alright. I was honest about where I was at with it all and told her I was glad she was my friend and would always be that. I asked her what she wanted. She didn't answer so I said what if we went on a date? What would happen? If I asked here and now. And she didn't respond so after a while I walked her to the train and said bye only to get a txt seconds later telling me how important I am to her, how special I am and she has no idea why I would want to go on a date and if I were with someone else I would see that I was settling for her. I messaged to say that we agreed that we were only going to be friends a while ago and that I had kept my end of the deal. I said I would always be her friend and I was more than ok as that but I had to give her the option so there would be no what ifs and we will be fine. I know where I stand and so does she.
     
    #13
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2015
  14. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    No clue what happened. Thought we had sorted things but the txts took me aback
     
    #14
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2015
  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She's standing on the edge of the high dive, terrified, trying to sort out what to do.

    She's into you, but she's also scared. And you are looking for concrete 'lets call this a date' while she is freaking out over the concept of labels 'gay' or 'date' or 'friend' or whatever.

    Would you be comfortable doing things with her but not labeling it? Just going with the flow? Like getting together for a pint near her place, walking her to her door, having a good night kiss but not pushing the issue of calling it a 'date?'
     
    #15
  16. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    I think the reason I said date was because I was pushing her a little to see what's going on. We've been going for drinks and been "friends" without ever talking about the big f*cking elephant in the room. I thought reassuring her that I'll always be her friend first would aide the conversation. But instead maybe I gave her mixed signals I'm not sure. I know she's definitely run scared now.
     
    #16
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  17. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    I wish I can tell you what's going on or at least some clarity but I was as clueless when I went through that with the gf. I know how frustrating that can be.

    But I think @Bluenote is right. She maybe as confused as you are, she also doesn't know what's going on with her. Or with you guys. And because she's not sure of a lot of things, she's afraid of hurting you.

    If you can remain friends with her then be friends with her. But think about yourself; if this is messing with your head then you should be honest with her and maybe ask for some time off away from her. She seems like a nice girl, she'll understand.

    I don't want to tell you things may change and she realize she likes you enough to take the risk because I may just be giving you false hope. But then I don't want to say nothing's gonna happen because sometimes, you know, wishes do come true. I wish you the best.
     
    #17
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  18. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    I got a message late last night telling me that she thinks I'll be settling but that maybe she could have kissed my hand better. I told her I've never settled in my life and I wasnt planning on starting now. I told her that I understand she's got a lot going on and that I am always happy to be her friend but we needed to agree that that's what was happening. I told to take time to think or not think about it and all that she wants and in the end I would still be here
     
    #18
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2015
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  19. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You're remarkably level headed for someone named Headcase... :)
     
    #19
  20. headcase

    headcase Active Member

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    You haven't seen me drink tequila without the lime ;) just a quick update, she's rang me to tell me she was upset last night when she got home. She hasn't managed to do much at work today because she has been distracted and wanted to know if I wanted to go out later just to talk. Repeatedly kept asking how I am and needed lots of reassurance that I'm fine.
     
    #20
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2015
    sela9 likes this.

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