Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Portionsforfoxes, Feb 3, 2016.
Couldn't figure out how to delete this lol
I think you are smart to try to protect your heart and not repeat a pattern that you find destructive. I don't think you are crazy because she does sound pretty special and she hinted quite a bit, mentioning the pillow thing twice in one night and saying something else at the wedding. I mean, if I were in your situation, I would have ended up in bed with her. There's only so much a person can take!
The thing is I would still tell her that she is special and you would have liked her if she was into women. It is an exercise for you to assert yourself that it is okay to like someone. Perhaps it is not a problem for you to like someone who is truly lovely, gay or straight. You just like women and you are so afraid of hitting all the straight ones that you psych yourself too much about it, that you hit the bottle too hard at parties about it. Methinks the probability of finding yourself liking a completely straight woman is at least 50% at a big party. So perhaps if you relax and give yourself a break about it, this angst would go away. Liking someone who makes you want to be a better version of yourself is a darned good thing.
Ok, PortionsforFoxes - Let's get clear about what you are asking!
-Should you tell her that you like her? ...you can, if you want, but she probably already knows.
- Is there a chance that she likes you?...yes, of course. According to your post, she said it to you directly.
-Does that mean there is a possibility for a hook-up, if that is what you are looking for?...yes, maybe. She may have hinted to you about that...if you are looking to get in her pants, she sorta said she may be game for that.
-If you are hoping she is going to want to get into yours? you are likely to be disappointed, since she also said she was not into that....it sounds like she directly stated that to you, actually? She told you she could see herself as a "pillow princess" so I would trust her about that and not even hope to convince her she wants to do more.
So, I guess my questions for you are: What are you looking for with her? If you are ready to change your life, stop blacking out, make a commitment, be a better person, fall in love...all based on the few flirty interactions you had with a smokin' hot straight woman who lives half a country away from you, You might be overshooting the reality of this scenario.
Don't get me wrong, it would be great for you to give up some of your self-defeating habits like drinking until embarrassment and falling for unavailable people, if you are ready to consider committed relationships and real love. It just doesn't sound like she has given you any reasons to believe you are going to find true love with her. I would not suggest "falling super hard" for this one. Best case scenario, you get some "pillow" time with a princess who is intrigued by a lesbian, if that is what you are hoping for. Chances are though, you could also get the response that she is flattered, but she is not a lesbian (like she already told you) and is sorry you misinterpreted her friendly (albeit flirty) interactions.
When someone repeatedly or only falls for the unavailable/unattainable person, I tend to question whether it is because you are afraid/not ready for real-life relationships, with commitment/negotiation/compromise etc?...What is keeping you from, you know, the real stuff with a real lesbian who is really interested and really available? It is far better and more fulfiling than living in the make-believe, what if, fantasy land.
Good luck with all of it, and keep us posted!
First of all, are you a therapist/can you please be mine?? Lol. Your insight/perspective is something I need in my life at all times! So, thank you.
I ended up telling her and her response was exactly what you predicted: She's flattered, but definitely not a lesbian. You're right, I knew that. But it appears my ego/narcissism paired with my attraction to her were projected onto the situation and serverly clouded my judgement. I am an idiot.
Also, thanks for the reality check. I'm kind of a mess at this point in my life and still very unsure of what I really want. I've always had a rather reckless/self destructive streak and, until very recently, haven't really done anything to try and fix that. It took meeting her to realize that I did not want to continue being 'that girl' anymore. I have since quit drinking, and am actively trying to evolve into a better person.
As far as what I was looking for with her, I honestly don't know. It definitely wasn't just for a hook-up, but I also know the chances of us falling madly in love and having a relationship were slim to none. I think one of the worst things about being a lesbian is the whole do I want her/do I want to BE her conundrum. I'm pretty sure it was just a really strong, unexplainable attraction. I get crushes on literally TONS of people (I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm polyamorous) but my crush on her just seemed different somehow, which is why it was so confusing for me. I hadn't felt that way about anyone in a long time. I also think the fact that she does live so far away appealed to me on a subconscious level because I've got such terrible commitment issues. Blehhhh.
Overall, I'm glad I told her cause the constant wondering 'what if' was killing me. Now I can go on with my life and continue being a better person for myself. Shout out to greylin for helping me decide to take the plunge and tell her. You ladies rock! xx
I am so happy to hear about your decision to quit drinking. Did the binging go on at parties or do you drink alone as well?
You are not narcissistic and you are not an idiot. I don't hear a hint of that from what you have posted so far. First off, you have resisted the temptation over the course of a couple of days to hit A up. You waited until you have a lot of distance between you, then asked for advice then said something. You did everything you could at that party to resist her actually, by being with someone else and well, drinking. So, you had a lot of restraint and really mulled things over before you even acted on it, and it is only a message to her from a distance. Besides the drinking, (and yes, blacking out is scary and destructive enough), how are you self destructive? You are only in your 20's, of course you are trying to figure out what you really want in a mate or mates. I am finding some high school kids who are dating a lot later because, my goodness they are so busy! They would crush and crush and do nothing. Then I see people going into their late twenties and early thirties and they start panicking about having children so they then figure out about settling down.
If you had been an older person posting this, I would have been a lot more concerned about you. But at your age, I think you are quite boldly self aware and readily admitting and recognizing that certain things are not smart to continue.
So relax a few, give yourself some credit and find help if you find the temptation to hit the bottle again. In a party, and you find that stressor hard to resist, keep an AA number and cold call them if you have to in order to talk to someone. Take care and good luck.
Portionsforfoxes - Thank you for the compliment. There are a lot of members on AE who give very good advice, so thanks for giving me a nod Also, if you do need a therapist, don't hesitate to seek out a good one locally who is LGBT-friendly (check on-line with your local mental health association), and can give you some support while you sort through some of this stuff. Decreasing/stopping drinking and changing self-destructive patterns is challenging stuff. No shame in having some one-on-one professional input when facing our personal struggles.
I agree with Greylin: You are not narcissistic and you are not an idiot. Of course, we are all self-absorbed sometimes, that is normal. And we all make some judgment calls that are not so great. Don't be so hard on yourself about that. If we can grow and learn from these and become more self-aware and more in tune with what is going on with others, then that is exactly what we are supposed to be doing with these kinds of experiences. Growing into ourselves (and how we want to be) can be a bumpy, painful journey, but it is also a fascinating, intriguing, and life-long process as well.
I am happy for you that you have gotten some resolution with this particular situation, so that you can get on with the business of focusing on your own life and figuring out some things about yourself. Sometimes, crushes/obsessions with others are big distractions that take the focus off of oneself and the hard personal work we need to face. Isn't it so much easier to day dream about someone else and how great life would be with that person, than to deal with ourselves and what is happening here and now with our own lives/work/relationships/situations? It's good that you are waking up to what you want for yourself and the kind of person you want to be in the world. Yay, for you...that is great, and fun, and a bit scary too
Hang in there and be patient with yourself. I think it shows insight that you are realizing some of your "Tons of Crushes" might be more about what you like in a person and want to see in yourself, rather than needing to be in relationship with that particular person. The more you grow to love yourself and who you are, I would guess that you will see the need for crushes to decrease some (maybe to a little less than a ton, at least...a bit more manageable and less distracting).
The happier and healthier you are the more you will attract a happy, healthy potential girlfriend...one who is available and genuinely interested....or more than one, if that works for all of you!
Best wishes to you! and keep us posted!!!
Words to live by.
Not to sound awful but falling for straight girls is not as painful as falling for girls who're in the closet and won't ever come out.
I do get the struggle for falling for a straight girl-you're thinking that you're what will make her gay or bi and that she''ll come to you and kiss you in front of everybody and declare her feelings for you. That doesn't happen. A straight girl is straight-if she falls for you she wasn't straight in the 1st place.
You can't tell your heart not to unlove her. If it was possible, I personally would've spared myself a lot of trouble. You need to let it all out. Honestly, if we keep telling you to find someone else, you wouldn't listen even if you wanted to. In the end of the day, you are you and we're only people who might have had a similar experience or at least have their own opinion towards a situation.
If you are over it, I guess that my opinion shall be valid for other girls who're struggling with this same issue.