I just came out to my husband

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by poegirl, Feb 9, 2015.

  1. poegirl

    poegirl New Member

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    This is my first post here though I have been lurking for years. I am 36 years old and I just came out to my husband of 15 years. This will probably be long and rambly but bare with me. Please try and keep comments positive as I want to write this for others who might be struggling in the same situation.

    I should mention right away that my senior year of high school my family moved to GA and I became a born again Christian. I think this definitely played a role in blinding me from my sexual orientation for so long. After all, good Christian women marry good Christian men. I met my husband fresh out of high school. I had just turned 18 and had never had a serious relationship with a guy. I have dated guys but it never seemed right. I thought I just had not found the right one. It never dawned on me that I might be into girls because everyone crushes on girls and enjoys looking at their bodies and fantasies about kissing their friends, right? Kissing a guy (even my husband) reminds me of the scene in the movie " But I am a Cheerleader" where she is kissing her boyfriend but just going through the motions because that was what she was supposed to do. I just thought I wasn't trying hard enough or the emotion and enjoyment would come later. Fast forward a year when I was 19 and my husband asked me to marry him. I was happy and I loved him but there was always that something that was missing. We were engaged for 2 years and got married just before I turned 21. He is the only person I have ever had sex with but I knew right away after we were sexually active that something was wrong. I did not like it at all. I didn't like him in me, on me, touching me but what could I do now I was married and stuck. I got through it by thinking about women. Still at this point I was clueless about the fact that I might be gay. I know this is hard to believe but back then the internet wasn't wide spread, they did not talk about it on t.v. and on the news. It wasn't accepted, especially in GA. You may be wondering how I could live like this at all but you have to understand that I did connect with my husband very deeply on a friendship level. He was my best friend and most times my only friend.

    Three kids, a lot of depression and fights about the infrequency of our sex life later I finally had my "Ah ha" moment. I was in my late 20s or early 30s when I finally realized that I was not straight. It was strange because it was light a light bulb suddenly turned on. I thought to myself " how could you be such an idiot not to notice?" All the thoughts and feelings that I had growing up and up until that point finally came together like pieces of a puzzle. All at once I finally realized I was gay. It was overwhelming. I did a lot of praying and crying but it felt good too see the whole picture of myself. So all of this has stayed locked up in me until just this weekend.

    My husband and I were at home at Saturday night after the kids were in bed and we had a few drinks. And to my amazement my husband, instead of just wanting to have sex like he usually does when he's tipsy , actually wanted to talk. I don't remember exactly how the subject came up but he asked me if I was ever attracted to women and I answered honestly. It was so hard but I did it. I answered truthfully. He asked me if I thought I could ever be in a lesbian relationship and I said yes. We talked about this and other things in our relationship until 3am. Again on Sunday night we talked (sober this time). I wanted to make sure he fully understood that I like women. That if I was not married to him I would be with a woman. I could not believe how wonderful he was. He listened to me and thanked me for sharing this with him. He understood how hard it was for me to tell him this. I was so scared that I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't know what reaction I was going to get. I honestly thought he would leave if he knew.

    Now, I don't know what this means for our relationship in the future. I don't know if we will stay married and I will have to just deal with my unfulfilled desires. That would be really hard for me if Ms. Wonderful would happen to pop up in my life. I have already crushed pretty hard on a friend and was very tempted to pursue her. So, I don't know where we go from here but at least I am here. I'm not in the closet anymore. I'm free.
     
    #1
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2015
    sela9, cathalyst, jellohead and 2 others like this.
  2. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    There are so many stories on here of people looking for advice on what you've just done. Congratulations, it was very brave! I hope your husband continues to be understanding and you two can work together amicably on how to resolve this. Please be sure to keep us up to date with the progress so others have a place to reference :)
     
    #2
  3. noedee

    noedee Active Member

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    That's fantastic! Congratulations! It is awesome that you have such a great husband to share it with as well! I hope you two keep talking and find the best possible way to resolve this issue.

    Best of luck to the two of you.
     
    #3
  4. MLL

    MLL Member

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    Just wanted to say that I agree with what the other posters have said.

    By the way...you should be proud of yourself as that would have taken a lot of courage to do that.

    At least you can start working toward resolving this with your husband, and start living your life on your terms.

    Wish you both the very best.
     
    #4
    rainydaze likes this.
  5. CherryBerry

    CherryBerry Member

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    This is incredible! I'm so happy for you! I wish you all the luck in the world.... I hope things work out exactly how you want and need them to.

    I also want to say thank you so much for sharing this here. I'm sitting on the sofa, quickly snatching a few minutes on here - just a few minutes of actually being myself - while my husband nips out for a pint of milk. I have tears welling up in my eyes, reading this. Your story gives me hope.......
     
    #5
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  6. poegirl

    poegirl New Member

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    Well CherryBerry, without knowing it you really helped me. When I read your original post you sounded a lot like me, minus two more kids. I was sad for you because I knew exactly how stuck you felt. Your post was at the top of my mind when my husband and I started talking on Saturday. Thank you for being brave enough to share your own story. I know I shared mine in hopes to empower other women to be their true selves and not have to sneak it in when no one is looking.

    It is crazy because ever since I came out to him I feel like I can take on the world. I feel this overwhelming confidence. It's great!

    Thank you everyone for your kind words. As things develop I will update you guys.
     
    #6
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  7. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Wow poegirl, your story was, we'll wow. It took true strength to come out to your husband, but even more to to yourself.

    Sounds like you have just started an amazing journey.
     
    #7
    rainydaze likes this.
  8. DanaNY80

    DanaNY80 New Member

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    Thanks for sharing! It gives me hope. Thank you!
     
    #8
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  9. Hodman

    Hodman New Member

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    Best wishes ... you are so brave
     
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  10. Shakira Laura

    Shakira Laura Member

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    thanks for share

    [​IMG]
     
    #10
  11. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations :D, its always hard to come out to the person we love especially to the husband that you've been married to for so long :).

    I hope whatever happen in the future will be for the best :), for you and your husband :). Cheers for your bravery!

    xx
     
    #11
  12. Elaine

    Elaine Member

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    Really inspiring, Thanks for sharing and good luck for the future and finding Ms. Right :)
     
    #12
  13. idontknowmyself

    idontknowmyself New Member

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    Hi Poegirl,

    I was exactly in your same situation. Married with 2 kids for 5 years now. But i never really outed myself to him at all. Btw, i am bi-sexual. But i admittedly told him that i have a crush on this friend of ours that i still hope to get something out of it (and this lady friend also knows that i like her, but she just ignores it everytime i give a hint).
    I usually hate myself when i think of this friend more than him when we fight.
    It's like my revenge to him but unfortunately this friend is straight but she looks differently when we see each other.
    I often caught her looking at me many times. And i dont even know why.
    Anyway, it is not my thread and i thank you for this post.

    Kisses
     
    #13
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  14. PooleContract

    PooleContract Member

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    You're a strong and courageous person. You did the right thing although I'm not sure if you realize it now.
     
    #14
    rainydaze likes this.
  15. Just7

    Just7 New Member

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    #15
  16. Just7

    Just7 New Member

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    Hi I had to write a reply to your story because you've said main reason for you writing it is to hopefully help others like you and I had to tell you that your story when I read it last night has saved my sanity. Just last night I came out to my husband off 16 years. I'm 38 we have 4 kids and I always had feelings , attraction for women , it was very confusing in early years do to religion and stereotyping in my family I never wanted or was brave enough to express my real feelings. But now lately my marriage has been well few years at least it's been a very hard , we argue all the time , there's no affection and I always felt like I was with a wrong person. His reaction when I came out to him last night I didn't expect since I know him as an angry person but he was calm , little surprised and supportive , gave me a big hug and almost cried with me. He suggested me seeking a counseler , speaking with someone he thinks that maybe us not being together sexually for over a year could contribute to my confusion but I know it's not that. I am confused on how to continue life , do I stay married , do I just have affairs stay in hiding because of my kids I hate to be selfish and disturb their life's . I have few female friend ms and I'm not attracted to them but my attraction is mainly for masculine woman , where do I meet someone , I feel lattely very lonely , confused overvelmed I need connection with someone I need to start somewhere . Well again I thank you for your post , there's a lot of similarity in our life's and I hope you will find a best way possible to deal with this and finding some happiness in all of this .
     
    #16
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  17. poegirl

    poegirl New Member

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    Congratulations on your brave move! I'm glad your husband took it well. I'm so happy that this post was able to help you. I wish you all the best on whatever is to come.
     
    #17
  18. Just7

    Just7 New Member

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    Thanks so much poegirl! I hope he was sincere, in the last few days we talked some more and he sounds like he's relieved that I'm attracted to woman i don't know what to make of it he didn't seem jeleous or worried that i might leave him . I was always suspicious of him having an affairs. He did say that he won't leave me and kids , he suggested me giving it a try , finding someone and experimenting. I don't know where to start I feel the same way it's time for me to give it a try. Does anyone have any advice on where do I start looking for someone in my area I leave in San Jose, CA I'd like to meet with someone, I don't really want an online relationship.
     
    #18

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