i havent been on afterellen in 7 years

Discussion in 'AfterEllen Community Forums' started by ILOVEHER, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. ILOVEHER

    ILOVEHER New Member

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    Has anyone ever gone thru a breakup/ break and did it help? Did you or youre partner end up stronger, or realize that space was just the start and end up breaking up?
     
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    Last edited: Jul 15, 2018
  2. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

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    Hi ILOVEHER,


    You wrote: “I let her go out with her friends.” This phrase was particularly startling to me because it contends that you are, or very well could be, controlling. You also wrote that “she didnt even run it by me first.” This further adds to my suspicion. Perhaps, I am wrong. However, if I am not and you are controlling, she should have left. If I am right, you must go to a mental health professional and heal yourself before you date anyone else. God Bless and good Luck.

    Writer
     
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    Last edited: Jul 15, 2018
  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think the first response may be a bit harsh. Wording something poorly does not automatically mean someone is a terrible gf.

    OP I have never heard of a couple getting better just by taking a break. Couples get better by ... trying to get better. Getting into couples therapy, talking about their issues, making changes.

    I have however heard (and been through being dumped) of someone calling it a break, but really meaning they want to be a coward and break up.

    The sad part is, you can't control if she is going to beak up with you or not. You can put it out there that you want to do couples counseling together. If she is not willing to go, you have your answer on if she is willing to fight for you (plural). If she is not willing to work on things, but just wants to spend her break in Vegas boozin g it up, that doesn't bode well for your relationship.

    I am sorry that this is difficult and confusing for you. I get that this really hurts. Please reach out and get support for yourself. If you need to post more, please do. You can also pm me, if you are a bit scared off from posting publicly. Hang in there.
     
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  4. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

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    Hi ILOVEHER,

    I did not at all mean to appear harsh. You know yourself and what you two were. I thought I was being kind. I did not lambast you and doggedly accuse you of being a controlling abuser; rather , I merely stated that you could be controlling based on your words. Words that I did not construe as poorly written at all. You seem like a very competent individual who is more than capable of adequately expressing your emotions. Even more than that, I suggested that that if you are controlling , you should get help. I stated that I could be wrong. I could be. Only you know that.

    Domestic violence is just as prevalent within the LBGTQ community as it is within the heterosexual community. Nevertheless, so many fail to address it or act as if those in same-sex relationships are immune to it. As a community, we must address these issues and explore even an iota of a possible occurrence. Again, it was not my intention to appear harsh.

    If you were beautiful and kind to her and she still left you without cause, you will heal in time. Time will heal you. It is a day old adage but it is so very true. Right now your life is abnormal because she is absent . Lay in bed , as I am sure you are doing already, another two or three days. Then get up and slowing fill your time with little things that you enjoy. Write in a journal . In it, talk to yourself about yourself – about what you feel. One day the abnormal will become normal and you will be OK. Tell yourself that she is gone and it is OK.


    God Bless you and Good Luck

    Writer
     
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  5. ILOVEHER

    ILOVEHER New Member

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    Thank you for your comment means a lot
     
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  6. ILOVEHER

    ILOVEHER New Member

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    thank you for the comments
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It's a hell of a leap from the op's gf planning a vegas vacation without talking to her gf of seven years first- to accusing the op of domestic violence. I would be hurt if my wife went on vacation without talking to me first. We share finances and have limited vacation time. It's not unreasonable to discuss those things as a family before making decisions. Good grief.
     
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  8. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

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    You are very, welcome, ILOVEHER.
     
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  9. Liia

    Liia Member

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    Hello ILOVEHER,

    I am I believe going through something similar at the moment. I've been with my gf for 5 years in which we recently went through a break up/break. We're trying to reconnect now after it but I believe it is over. Our relationship has run it's course, but seen as we both desperately are trying to work it out things are getting worse.
    We've lost trust ( which is the base of any relationship), respect ( when violence occurs once it most likely will happen again; as it is doing with my relationship...), communication, patience etc the only thing that is making us try again, for my part is either the memory of the love we had that could come back now or the need for consistency of what we've established in those 5 years.
    I think we're on the verge of really breaking up (thing I think I really want because whatever this relationship is, is starting to drive me crazy).

    I wish I could tell you that from any of my experiences a break meant just that a break but in what I've come to know (in my cases) the relationship did not survive it. I so very much wish that for you it could be the case if it is what you want.

    If you ever need or want to talk I am here for you.

    Liia
     
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  10. ILOVEHER

    ILOVEHER New Member

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    Thank you for your comment means a lot.
    I wish the best for you and whatever happens to your relationship. But violence is not even acceptable in any way. No one is allowed to hurt anyone physically. Stay safe!
    Best wishes
     
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  11. Liia

    Liia Member

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    Hi ILOVEHER,

    Sorry haven't really been online much. Plus I think our time difference is playing on my online time^^. I'm happy if my comment meant something to you. I wish you too only the very best in live you deserve it. Yeah violence sucks... and you're right it isn't acceptable.
    All the best ILOVEHER, like I said you can talk to me whenever if you need to.
    -liia
     
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