I feel really guilty

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Blaer, Oct 25, 2013.

  1. Blaer

    Blaer Active Member

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    Around the beginning of September I met this really cool girl. She stares at me a lot and blushes and smiles at me and she's super nice. She's got me absolutely smitten and that's been bothering me for a while. The problem is that I have a girlfriend who I've been with for about a year and a half. I love her a lot so I'm not really sure why this other girl has been able to capture my attention. I don't usually pay much attention to little crushes and I usually wait it out but as the weeks go by, the feelings I have for this girl get more and more intense. I feel really really guilty about it.

    I'm at a loss of what I should do about this. I've considered talking to my girlfriend about it but I don't want her to get angry and I don't want her hurt. She's not the best communicator and when she gets angry, she doesn't really listen to me. I'm afraid if I tell her about it, it will just blow up into something really dramatic. I've also tried to do my usual thing of just waiting it out. On the days I know I'll see this girl, it's about two or three days a week, I try to mentally prepare myself by repeating things to myself like "Don't look over if you notice she's looking." and "Keep conversation to a minimum" and "Don't react if she blushes and smiles". I fail to actually follow through with these things.

    This whole thing has me really down lately. I don't really know what the best step to take here is. I definitely don't want to lose my girlfriend but I'm concerned about what these growing feelings mean. I can't stop thinking about this freakin girl and it's just so ridiculous. A few weeks ago, the fact that I do have some interest in this girl hit me like a ton of bricks. I just don't want to do something stupid that I'll regret.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Blaer:

    Please don't feel guilty because you haven't done anything! I wouldn't confess either unless you think that your gf will keep you under surveillance 2 or 3 times a week just to keep you on the straight and narrow. I will contend that being that attracted to someone other than your significant other is more common place than people want to admit. Feeling guilty and making yourself all stuffy with fear around her helps no one. Let yourself react if she is right there, she is pretty and amazing. If you keep thinking you can't react, you can't react, guess what, you will. Do the honorable thing and not make excuses to be around her. You can handle this.

    I am more concerned about how happy you are with your gf. Does she get angry a lot over a little something said where you had no intention of saying? She fears losing you a lot? Sometimes, we are attracted to people who are like our gf, because the beginning (the shyness, the first blush of romance) reminds you of the stage that you have passed with your own gf. Sometimes we are attracted to people we could communicate more with because we have some spots in our own relationships that make us lonely. I hope you can use this opportunity to evaluate your current relationship to see if there is something you can improve on, as in, if there are things lacking you can make them happen or learn to ask for what you want. Turn this fear and negative energy you have been going on into a good thing. Take care. :)
     
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  3. Blaer

    Blaer Active Member

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    Ive actually been thinking a lot about what you said and I've come to realize that there are some pretty serious things about my relationship that I am unhappy about. The thing that really draws me to this other girl is that she makes me feel like I actually matter. She always seems interested to hear what I have to say and that makes me feel good. Lately with my girlfriend, it feels like I don't matter as much. She's always willing to have long conversations about what she's doing or how she's feeling but when it comes to talking about me, she either doesn't respond or keeps the conversation short and then switches the topic back to her. I've only really realized how much that's starting to bother me. It sucks being with someone who seems disinterested in what you have to say so it's really brightened up my day when I can be around this girl. I feel like less of a shadow around her.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Reading your post reminds me of how bad a listener I can be to my own gf. I think I am a bit ADD on the auditory side and it is not easy for me to focus in person on details of a conversation. I don't know if you have seen the cartoon "Pinky and the Brain", but https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLkAvy-IoFY is the segment on "Pinky's P.O.V." that I feel sort of explains how I am sometimes. I have had partners who thought I simply didn't care about them because I would zone out. I am also very bad at just listening because I would want to help fix things and move on. Of course that is made all the worse that I am very intense when it is my turn to blab. I only hope that the person that I love won't tire of letting me know that she needs to be heard and that I make things up to her in other ways.

    Sorry for my long windiness, but, if that is anywhere similar to your gf, I hope you can find ways to let her know of your frustration. Perhaps your relationship can be compensated in other ways she is more capable of caring for you. If you really want to stay with her and in general you know you are really loved, then a lot of things can be fixable. If you know that something is just going to grate on you your ever living day and you can't count on either one of you adjusting, then you are in a sad situation where you can't like a person you love. In order for things to feel better for you, you have two options really. That is, to fix it with your gf or break up. Those options are much kinder for everyone and healthier for your next relationship than having relationships overlap. If you feel guilty now can you imagine how you would feel if you ever cheated? Again, wishing things will work out for you.
     
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  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    If you want your current relationship to work:
    Something greylin said reminded me of my relationship. My partner is a fixer, a doer - sometimes, early in the morning when she springs out of bed and into action, I accuse of her "doing things, you're such a doing-things lady, stop it." Action is GREAT, at the right times, but it takes me longer to process and deal with my problems, so her solutions often feel dismissive to me. This can be an area of conflict, but we've worked on it, and now she asks me when I start ranting "do you need solutions, or do you need me to listen?"

    This question is miraculous. This question is the source of all our success (in this and other forms). It means "what do you need from me in this moment, because I recognize that my first instinct for how to care for you may be wrong and you acknowledge that I cannot read your mind?" And then I get to TELL HER what I need, and she does it! No fight, no frustration. This applies in other places. She's telling me about her day, and I am super distractable and need something to do. I ask, "is it okay if I start dinner (/sew/fold laundry/do my taxes) while you tell me this, or should we take a walk so I can give you my full attention?" BOOM: tell me what you need from me, so I can do it.

    I'm not saying that you should try to make it work with your girlfriend; whether that's the right thing to do depends on you and her and how much conscientious thought you want to put into being together (in my experience, the answer to that in successful relationships is: a lot.). But it sounds like your problems in your relationship, which will need to be resolved if it is to work, are of unbalanced support and care. There are two causes to that - lack of investment (your girlfriend actually doesn't care about you) and lack of clarity (she doesn't know how to support you and make you feel cared about). The solution to the latter doesn't have to be a personality transplant, just a simple intervention that will help her figure out how to support you better and help you tell her without bruising her ego.
     
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  6. Blaer

    Blaer Active Member

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    Thank you everyone for all of the advice! It's been very helpful!

    A bit of an update here. She confronted me about my interest in this other girl, I'm not entirely sure how she found out, and she was understandably upset about it. She's mad at me for not communicating about it and that she had to figure it out for herself. She told me that the reason she stopped talking to me and spending time with me was because of this. We talked about it for a while and I explained everything that was going on and how I'm trying to figure it all out. We came to the agreement that it would be better to communicate more with each other and not be afraid to tell each other what's on our minds.

    That all sounded really good and I was feeling confident about it but it still feels like she doesn't even want to be around me. It feels like I have to force out every bit of conversation from her because she just won't talk to me any other way. And something has been affecting her emotionally, my best guess is it's me, and she refuses to talk to me about it. It's something she's been staying up all night talking to people about and she won't tell me about it. I would never force her to talk about something that made her uncomfortable but I'm just so frustrated that I was antagonized for keeping secrets and was told to be a better communicator when she won't do it herself. I just find it unfair. I feels like I'm the only one making an effort to improve our relationship.

    And on top of that, I'm almost 100% sure that this other girl is interested in me which makes this very hard because I'm naturally gravitating towards the person who seems like she really wants to be around me and talk with me.

    Am I even getting frustrated for a good reason? Am I supposed to be the one that takes all the responsibility in improving our relationship because I screwed up?
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Goodness, how did she find out? Granted, I am an open book with my gf. She reads stuff on my forehead or something. And, I don't think you screwed up, you are trying to do everything to preserve this relationship and asking advice on how to communicate and how not to stray. You knew it would upset her if you talked about it and it did.

    However, she probably does need to have her own way of dealing with this by talking to friends. Again, it would be better if everything can be just done between you two but people don't change or learn something like that overnight. She probably has to process this fuming jealousy and unmitigated fear of losing you to something you see every week. She will have to talk to you about it eventually, but, in the meantime be supportive and give her some time. If you love her and want to stay in this relationship then be confident.

    Otherwise, make up your mind on what you really want to do. This could be one of those things where she trusts you but doesn't trust what you really want. You yourself have doubts about what you really want.
     
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  8. Blaer

    Blaer Active Member

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    I'm not entirely sure. I have posted on tumblr about how I'm frustrated with things going on so I'm assuming she just put the pieces together.

    And it makes total sense that she needs space. She never really told me that that's what she wants but it makes sense. I've been trying to keep the communication up by texting her frequently and meeting up with her but if she needs space, should I stop? I don't want to annoy her or stress her out but I'm also afraid if I stop trying to converse with her as much as I do, she'll think I don't care.

    Yeah I've been really trying to figure out exactly what I want. I've been best friends with my girlfriend for years but this isn't the first time we've had a serious issue. She actually left me to pursue another person a while back but we ended up getting back together a few months later. It's a strikingly similar situation.
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think you both have trouble figuring out where you stand with each other. She doesn't know if your desires for this other person will win out. She probably knows you are not sure just like the way she had figured things out earlier. You don't know where you stand with her because you don't know if she will really love you the way you need.

    I agree it is a hard decision to make. But this other lady, she might not be the one, she might represent something you need but not nearly everything you want. So beware of leaving one person for another. Being faithful is a decision based on the fact that you know your lover is the right person for you and you can work through the rough spots.
     
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  10. Blaer

    Blaer Active Member

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    Yeah neither of us are known for our communication skills. We both bottle things up so I can see how this is a little mixed up.

    And I agree. I personally find it unwise to leave a relationship for the possibility of another unless there's a really really good reason to. That's why I'm trying my hardest to figure this all out.

    Also, thank you very much for the advice! You've given me some great points to think about.
     
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  11. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I can definitely relate to this in some ways. I'm in a relationship right now, and I'm happy but don't really feel that I'm as happy as I could be I guess. I don't think you are in the wrong at all for how you feel, it happens. I mean its feelings, you can't control them. I think its good that things are out in the open I guess with your girlfriend now, but that sucks that things haven't gotten any better. I was going to say exactly what the posts above said about maybe some thing(s) that you aren't happy with in your relationship that you think you could get from this other girl. You may not have everything that you need in your relationship and it is a lot to evaluate. Just go with your heart. If you think the girl you are with now is the one, then work on things with her; but if you have doubts then you have decisions to make. This other girl could just seem like she would be everything you want, and turn out not to be, or she could be exactly what you want in a girlfriend. There's no way of knowing, that's the beauty of it all lol. I do think its wise not to rush out of a relationship for someone else, but I can say this, I don't think its wise to stay in a relationship if you are unhappy and it seems like a one way street. I know what that is like and things don't change.. People are who they are, and there is someone out there looking for you, exactly as you are.
     
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  12. Blaer

    Blaer Active Member

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    Thank you. I tried to work things out and discuss things with her but all she ended up doing was going on and on about all my faults and how it sucks that she has to deal with them. She refused to hear me out and it drove me to the point of just splitting with her and I've actually been doing really well with it so far. I'm finding that I'm a lot happier because a ton of stress has been lifted off my shoulders. As for the other girl, well I'm just gonna let that go where it's gonna go.
     
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  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Ah, that's a relief. I am glad you are doing better for your decision. Take care and good luck. :)
     
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