I feel like a jackass...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Random079465, Jul 28, 2015.

  1. Random079465

    Random079465 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi All -

    So I'm writing this to try to get some perspective, views, and takes on what happened, my actions and just the situation in general. All communication between us was via text.

    Back story - I've been dating someone for almost a year now and we met online. We would text everyday and she would come over usually about twice a week to spend the night. She mentioned that she doesn't want to put a gf label on what we have since she wants to concentrate on her life first - getting a new job, making ends meet, etc. I didn't think much of it and just went along with it.

    During our dating phase - I noticed that she was still pretty active on the dating website. On one occasion she got an e-mail from the dating website and on another occasion she labeled an individual on the phone with the website hyphenated - to serve as a memory aid. It came up in conversation where I expressed concerned and she reassured that she wasn't dating anyone else. I've also found out that she has been meeting up with people from the website on several occasions but she has made no mention of it.

    Fast forward a bit, we got into a bit of an argument where she mentioned she'd come over on a day she usually doesn't because we had a heatwave and her AC didn't work. I was slightly annoyed by this because I felt that I was almost being used and had it not been hot, the idea would have never crossed her mind. A hour before her usual arrival time if she was still coming and she said that she decided not to. Granted the lack of notice irked me, but i felt that the underlying vibe I got was that it wasn't important enough to let me know she decided not to come whenever she decided. She viewed that it wasn't a big deal. After the argument, she apologized saying she didn't realize it was a big deal and that she thought I was irritated so she decided against coming over. I was still annoyed that evening and didn't respond to her apology (probably a mistake on my end).

    About a week passes and no messages are exchanged from either of us (probably another mistake). In retrospect, I was childish and waited for her to talk first because I'm usually the one who would initiate conversation after an argument. After almost a week, I started to get the vibe that she didn't really care sooo I asked her to meet me at a midpoint and I just returned the belongings that she had at my place. Not many words were exchanged.

    That evening, I texted her to see if she wanted to discuss / talk about it. Essentially she said that it's clear I made my decision and that if it's what I wanted then she'll accept it. She mentioned how when someone apologizes - one should respond with at least something - her explanation of why she didn't say anything for the whole week, she was waiting for me to respond to the apology. My position is: I thought I could be okay with not having a label and not being priority in her life, but as time went on I realized the insecurities kicked in and the feeling of being someone's backup plan is awful. I've put her as priority in my life, planning things around her, trying to make her life a bit easier by cooking her lunch during the week. etc.

    Soo... was I a complete jackass...?
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    She was never that into you and was happy to have an excuse to bail. She didn't want to be gfs because she is also dating other people from the dating website. You were the 'ok for now bedwarmer' while she looked for something better. But once you put her through the horrible inconvenience of not wanting to just be used for your ac, she bailed.

    Were you a jackass? Idk. But it doesn't really matter. She was always going to leave you, be it for another chic, or if you needed more from the relationship or whatever. So it's better now than a few years from now.
     
    #2
    Spygirl and sela9 like this.
  3. wonderlust

    wonderlust Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2014
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    64
    I don't think you were a jack ass. I think the issue is you played the role of a significant other when you weren't and so you had your own set of expectations that she really wouldn't have met coz the girl didn't want to anyway.

    @Bluenote is right, she just wasn't that into you and when she said she wasn't dating or looking elsewhere... I think that may have just been her being er, polite, and being unable to hurt your feelings bluntly (tad bit of dishonesty imo but okayyy).

    Either way, jackass or not, it wouldn't have survived--- she always had one foot out the door and her eyes set on the possible greener Pasteur in the horizon.
     
    #3
    nicolenihon likes this.
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I would like to add that this reflects poorly on her, but not so much on you. It can take awhile of dating to find someone who really 'clicks' with you. So just because this girl wasn't that into you, doesn't mean that you are somehow lacking or did anything wrong.

    You will find someone who clicks with you, who wants to be your gf, who wants more than just your ac.
     
    #4
    nicolenihon likes this.
  5. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2015
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    58
    DON'T feel like you were the jackass here. If she was into you she would have wanted to: 1) Get off the website 2) Spend the night with you regularly 3) Talk about the situation more 4) Have a label- a year is a long time!!! especially w. lesbians

    You'll find someone who deserves your attention. Be glad it's over and you can move on with your life.
     
    #5
    Bluenote likes this.
  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    You weren't "Ms. Right." You were "Ms. Right Now." A time occupier. A place holder. Someone to keep her entertained until she found a better option. If she were into you, labels wouldn't be a question. You wouldn't have certain designated nights on which you would see each other and you wouldn't get irritated if she wanted to see you on a night on which you don't usually see each other .

    Here's the thing -- the red flags were there. You admit to feeling used, so you probably sensed this all along. Maintaining a dating profile on a dating site and meeting up with people from that site doesn't happen if one's "taken" or in a "relationship." Label it however you want, but if you're into someone, you're really not trying to make efforts with anyone else...nor are you keeping your options open, which is clearly what she was doing.

    You're feeling like a jackass because people like her are master manipulators. She knows/knew she was playing you but she pushed you into a corner to have to react while making herself look blameless simply because she gave you an "apology."
     
    #6
    rac, nicolenihon and Bluenote like this.
  7. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2014
    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    257
    All the ladies are correct about just being a dime filler or being ok for right now. Most people have been there, either as the time filler or dating someone whose ok, but deep down you know will never been the one.

    Honestly, I've been in both situations. I've said I've not been ready to be someone's girlfriend before. But let me make that clear, it was only because I wasn't sure it would go anywhere and I didn't want to hurt anyone by leading them on. Also when you date someone in a im not sure yet' way, those relationships to me, should have a two month time limit max.


    She obviously didn't want to label it because then she could go out with other girls. In her head, she could get with other girls and it wouldn't be cheating. She wasn't waiting for get her life together, she was using you.

    Yes it was immature for both of you not to messge for a week. But she obviously could care less that it's over. She even tries the well that was your decision' to make it sound like your fault.

    Move in, find swine who wants you and no one else.
     
    #7
  8. Random079465

    Random079465 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you all for who took the time to respond with your opinions and thoughts. I really do appreciate it. :)
     
    #8
  9. Random079465

    Random079465 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hey all - side note / question.

    So, I helped purchase a flight ticket for her to run her marathon - using a voucher that I had from a previous flight that got screwed up. The voucher was expiring and due to some personal things I couldn't use it and she was the only person I knew that had a use for it. After I gave her back her stuff, she said she'd pay me back for the difference ($60) on the first of the month.

    Considering it's been a couple of days and nothing - is it childish / beneath me to cancel the flight?

    I don't get any sort of refund / reimbursement for canceling the flight. I essentially just lose the $60. The original cost of the flight was ~$360.
     
    #9
  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I wouldn't just cancel it. I would give her a couple of reminders to pay up.

    Then - if 60$ is prohibitively expensive for you, I would cancel. If not, I would just write it off. The argument for writing it off is the lesbian world is small and you don't want some drama of her telling a bunch of people you dumped her and effed up her marathon flight. But if 60$ is too much for you to write off, then cancle it.

    Hopefully she will be out of your life for good soon...
     
    #10
    rac likes this.
  11. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2013
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    168
    I agree with Bluenote on the flight. If you can't afford the $60, cancel it after telling her you'll be doing so. But, don't do it without letting her know first. That's kind of a dick move. Remember any time you spend money on someone else, you do it because you want to. If you lose money in the end because of a breakup, that's no-ones fault but your own. She should have paid the $60 difference right away, but the fact that she didn't just goes to show that she was using you in more ways than one.
     
    #11
    rac and Bluenote like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice