I don't want to marry a man!!! Advice?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by artangel37, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. artangel37

    artangel37 Member

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    Ok so I hope this doesn't come out all rambly but I just really need advice on this. So I was born and raised in a Pakistani Muslim household. I have basically been trapped in the pakistani muslim traditions and culture my whole life. Although my family isn't crazy conservative or anything, they still hold true to pakistani traditions. My mom is also really religious. I was born and raised in the U.S.A. and don't care much for pakistani traditions and do not even consider myself to be a muslim but I still feel like those things are holding me back from having the life I want. I just feel trapped by my family's thinking of how things should be.

    Now I am approaching 30 years old and my family is basically worried because I am not married to a man yet. In their eyes, I am an old fart and am running out of time for marriage. Their attempts at finding me someone has always ended in disaster and fighting with them about it is just getting to be too much. They are completely ok with me finding a muslim guy myself but in doing so, I have come to realize that I just don't feel anything when it comes to men, especially muslim men. I have always been attracted to women my whole life and have recently come to terms with this. I don't know what my sexual orientation is but I feel so strongly right now that I can't marry a man. I've been on a few dates with men but I always felt just wrong being with them. However I just really want to know what its like to be with a woman but don't know the first place to start.

    So I basically want to tell my parents that I don't want to get married but am afraid of their reaction. I don't want them worrying about me. I definitely can not tell them about my feelings for women. I'm thinking of telling them its because I don't want children, which is also true. Any advice would be appreciated as to how I should go about this. Thanks and sorry for the long post :).
     
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  2. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    To be honest, you have it (probably) in terms of money-I assume you're more or less financially independent so you're probably living alone or with a roommate. Younger LGBTQIA people don't have this and yet they still come out.

    I get that religion, no matter what it might be (Islam, Christianity etc) is often used as a "guilt card" but, you're old enough to tell them "no" and just go on and explore. Like, you're nearly 30, as you state. No matter the age, people perceive us the way they want and this is why they're often badly surprised when we turn out to be "different", when, in fact-we're just being who we really are. Their reaction is likely to not be a positive one (due to their religion mostly). You were born & raised in the US so you can certainly go to LGBT bars and explore as a start (people may disagree with me since I'm currently speaking in terms of sex) and see how it goes.
    For some sexuality is fluid-if you are not sure yet, don't rush into labeling. You may end up marrying a man or you may not, it doesn't really matter, to be honest. The point is, whoever you're gonna marry would be someone you love and their gender has little to do with it so your parents should either learn to support you or should just keep quiet. By the end of the day, you're living your life and not theirs. Just because they gave you life, doesn't mean they can control you.

    Hopefully I was helpful. :)
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Just tell them.

    "[Parents], I know that you love and worry about me, and that a big part of adulthood in Pakistan is getting married. But I have realized over the last several years that marriage and courtship is just not for me at this stage of life - I am still building my career, and do not want to have children. I am very happy with my life, my friends, and my family the way it is, and have a big community of people who love me to make sure that I am happy and cared for. I hope you understand, and that you can respect my decision. I know it's different from the one you would make, and I am so lucky to have parents who care about my happiness and security so much. Now, what should we get [Sibling] for her birthday?"

    The main points are:
    1) You have made a decision about marriage - that it is not for you.
    2) It is not up for negotiation.
    3) You are very happy and they do not have to worry about you.

    If you think you can't tell them about your non-straightness, I trust you on that. Don't tell them anything or struggle for explanations beyond "I do not want this and looking for it is not making me happy," because then they will just try to logick you into changing your mind ("You'll feel differently when they're your children," or "The right man will support your career!"). Be a broken record: "For you it was the right thing, but it is not what I want right now." "I've really thought hard about this, and I have made a decision." Change the subject. And know that it will probably take a little while for them to back off, and the best thing you can do about that is address their underlying fears: "I am so happy with my life, and so loved by my friends and family."

    I will gently suggest the possibility that your parents are smarter than you think, and that part of their anxiety about you getting hitched is because on some level they are aware that you've never really been into boys - and in classic conservative parent style, they are very worried about the implications of that on your life. (This is not just limited to conservative parents; my hippie liberal mama's first reaction to my queerness, at fourteen, was "I worry because your life will be harder.")
     
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  4. artangel37

    artangel37 Member

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    Thank you for your replies. They have really helped to ease my mind. I know that I'm an adult and can ultimately lead the life I want. I've just always been really sensitive about what my family thinks about me. I've always been the "different" one in my family for many different reasons and have always been put down for it. I've been a long time sufferer of anxiety so their judgments really get to me. I'm at a point in my life though where I'm slowly starting to figure out who I am and what I may want in life. I don't have it all figured out but I know its a different path than what my family expects of me. I know I just have to stick to what I know will ultimately make me happy despite what they may say or think. Its gonna be tough but necessary. So thanks again. Its good to hear different viewpoints on the matter.
     
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  5. ummmm

    ummmm Member

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    btw if you need support re: to people trying to tell u that it is not permitted to be gay in Islam, there are many muslims who disagree with this interpretation to varying degrees. I also think this interpretation is reasonable and perfectly rational: http://www.mpvusa.org/sexuality-diversity/ I suggest looking up blogs by other gay muslims if u need a boost of confidence & solidarity (*・ー(‘ー’*)
     
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