I dont think Ill ever come out..... :(

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Andie321, Jan 28, 2014.

  1. Andie321

    Andie321 Member

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    This is a very long story, but I've never told it. Its....sad. So thanks for reading....if you do. So I've always known I was gay. I'm sure I had the same....maybe I can change these feelings like most women do. At first I thought it was normal....and after a while I gave up. I remember the first time I ever felt a mushy emotion for another girl. The playground at my elementary, some girl came running up to me and I remember thinking wow, she's pretty. For a while I thought this is normal but then I questioned why I never had that feeling when seeing certain boys....
    Growing up in a catholic family I thought this can never be. but at the same time I never could actually see myself marrying a man, having a life with a man and truly being happy. But I couldn't image telling my family. So I thought okay, this is it for me. i'll die either A. Married with children hating my husband or B. Alone. And for many years I was okay with that. Throughout school I dated a few guys. To really not ever give my mom any worry that I was anything but on the path she wanted for my sisters and I. Afterall I was the last one. In high school people never really questioned my sexuality. I had a lot of mixed friends. But I was mostly with a party crowd. out of my friends and I I was the one who could kick ass at any sport and could play any instrument that came my way. Actually now that I think about it, the boys in my gym class were probably the only ones to ever ask me or make any gay comments. Then my sophomore year I began dating a guy with who I got rather serious with. It was nice. I mean, it was nice to feel someone feel me back. Except....I wasn't all there. Kissing was boring. Sex was boring. I was still hating everything about myself but I hated more thinking about actually being with a girl. After almost 2 years my bf and I broke it off. I think he could tell that I just "wasn't there" Whatever, I moved on. And then I met her......

    11th grade physics. She walked in wearing a little black dress...she looked over at me. Which to me looked more like past me but I remember thinking wow.....she is the most beautiful thing Ive ever seen in my life. And for some ridiculous reason I got this image of her and I. Married. The thought left my head faster than it came. I giggled and never really thought of it again....for a while at least. She was beautiful. And there were plenty of guys lined up for her. Anyways, she said a few words to me that semester. We had a few mutual friends.....actually my female BFF was one of her best friends growing up. So we did have reason to have conversation but never did it. Plus I had plenty of other friends in that class to entertain me. So one day I was talking to my best friend and she came up to us. Of course said hello and discussed what a drag class was. It really was. We exchanged a few jokes and then she informed me that the following semester she'd no longer be in my class. I was a bit disappointed because well...she was fun to look at. Admire. But it didn't really make a difference. So the rest of the year rolled by and although our mutual bff constantly gave her and her friends reasons to talk to us it really never seemed like anything special. Her friends and her were like.....some sort of plastics from mean girls....hopefully you all know what Im talking about. They were faboulous. Not so much mean but, very glamourous. Intimidating to most girls. I didn't really care. I mean obviously guys liked them more than I but I had plenty of friends. it didn't matter. So 12th grade rolls up and her bffffff is in my class. Her bffff was like the regina George of the group. Not a controlling bi*ch but definitely set a tone for them. Her bff didn't know anyone in class besides me so I invited her to come sit with my friends and I. And before I knew it her bff and I were good friends. In time they began going to parties and outings with us. G...im gonna call my love...G and I never really had any special moments. She always seemed so shy. Compared to all of them she seemed.....intimidated by my friends and I. We were crazy. Your typical partying pot smoking class skipping kids. And after hanging out for months with them they seemed to admire that. So xmas break came and I went over to my BFF's house. SHE WAS THERE! Although we had gotten to a point where her presence no longer made me quiver, there was still some excitement in seeing her. It lasted less than a second but it was there. By the end of that night we had exchanged numbers. I had everyone else in her groups number but hers. Well friendly text eventually became all day conversations. Turns out we had a lot in common.....so it seemed natural. Not weird or gay at all. In time her and I became more and more close. Our texts became personal and cute. innocent but cute. Our friends and i were always hanging out. We even all went to prom together. I had like 5 guy friends on me dancing and I remember her getting somewhat jealous. She complained that I owed her a slow dance. I thought, whatever. Then that night we were all at a party. People eventually left and it was just 4 of us. Girls of course....we began watching movies. And when two of our friends left to get coffee she rolled over to the bed with me and began staring at me. She had this almost sinister smile and quietly whispered and pulled me with her finger. I freaked so I ran out of the room. I still laugh at that. Our two friends were like....is everything okay? and I laughed and went to the restroom to compose myself. I thought....maybe....and then i was like wait...no. So i regained my composure and went back into the room. Throughout the night she moved closer and closer to me. And eventually laid next to me. it was...weird. Graduation time came and I remember one night talking to her on the phone. She mentioned to me how one of the guys in her class had asked who she was always texting and when she explained that it was me she said she had told him i was the most amazing person i had met that year. And she said she couldn't believe how great I was and happy i was in her life. again, seemed friendly.Never at this point did I think....this is something here. haha. Although she still had her friends and I had mine we always seemd to be in touch. DAY AND NIGHT. usually first person Id talk to and last person Id talk to.
    Well once summer started I got a summer job. Her of course wanting to always hang out joked about me getting her a job. And of course I wanted her around. So i asked my boss...and his reply was "sure, Id love to hire your hot friend." So we began working together. At work she was amazing. Always complimenting me. work opened a whole new chapter in our friendship. She was always extra touchy at work. Said some really cute things and eventually it lead to cuddling and on a few occasions holding hands. Then one day we began talking about something really weird like 3rd world countries. and then she said....what if we adopted a child together? just you and I? you know we'd make great mothers. She kept the joke going and said come on...you know id be a perfect wife. I always put out for you...what more do you want? we laughed and that was probably the first time i actually allowed her words to get to me. we did work with this one openly gay girl and one day G said....wouldn't her and I be perfect? She then leapt into my arms. I smiled and she just kept her eyes focused on me. Our coworker laughed and said...always have seen it. Things were awesome. I mean there was never any official words exchanged but everything in between was. It seemed as though work was the one place her and I could just be. Our friends did make comments about us but always said it jokingly. She did act very different with me. sure i was flattered but, didn't want to think too much of it. So one night they went out. I didn't and she blew my phone up! she was very drunk and I knew she was but I answered anyways. She kept repeating how much she loved me and how much she wanted to be with me. I just kept telling her how drunk she was and how she didn't mean it. So sure enough the next morning she text me and apologizes. She was too drunk and wasn't aware of what she was saying. Which was okay....I hadn't set myself up for that one. By this time her and I were always hanging out. Going on what we called "friend dates" which consisted of us spending money on each other and usually meant lots of hugging cuddling long 5am conversations and hand holding. It was just her and I almost 4 days a week. Almost every night we'd sit outside her house after work on her sidewalk and talk for hours. This was a special place to us and hardly had to be. But anyways....college time came up and she had turned down a good university to stay in town with us. We never understood why but she said it was what she wanted....so we were happy. By this time although we were all involved in our own things we always made time to hang out especially her and I. One night we thought well were tired of always going out to do the same thing....so we went for some kid friendly bowling. (our big group) and there he was.....her apparent "we've been talking for quite sometime" date. She never mentioned anything to me...but she didn't have to. It wasn't my business. I remember seeing him and thinking wow....this guy isn't even good enough to lick my shoe. But i talked to him. Laughed at his pathetic jokes. Although they weren't all over eachother there was some....hand holding and what not going on. I couldn't take it. So i got up and ran to the restroom. I felt sick to my stomach. I threw up and eventually kinda crouched down over the toilet crying. What was I thinking???? and then she walked in. She came into my stall and wrapped her arms around me. I feeling defeated told her to back up cause I had vomit breathe and she laughed and said....I don't care. So the next few days at work were....awkward. I mean we still talked plenty but neither one of us ever brought him up. Or that night. Then one day we sat outside of her house on the sidewalk we always did and she confessed to me that it was over. Apparently he had been talking to some other girl the whole time. So I wiped a few tears off her cheek and reassured her of the mistake that idiot had made. and she said all is well. She didn't seem devastated....but she didn't seem okay. She made her way under my arms and thanked me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and got up said goodnight and left. She left me there to float off on the cloud she set me on. Her and I were sky high. Seemed like we were where we needed to be. Hand holding. Leg wrapping and cuddling seemed like daily habits now. She was always kissing my cheeks and I would always kiss her forehead. What we had was cute. Undeclared....but cute. So then towards the end of the school year she made a new friend...a girl. Not a guy haha. But apparently it was some girl we had gone to high school with just never talked to. Well occasionally she'd bring her by. I didn't think much of it. her and I were perfect. idk how we got there but we were there. For the first time in my life I thought...oh my god. This girl is becoming something. For new years she invited a few friends and I to go stay with her mom and new stepdad. Her mom remarried a millionaire and she wanted us to spend the new years in their new mansion of a house. Of course her parents were in some crazy place vacationing so we had a huge house to ourselves. Well new years night we were all laying outside talking about another crazy year. And midnight came rolling by. our friends got up to go call family and it was just her and I on the patio. She moved over and sat on top of me. She rested her head on my chest and closed her eyes. She looked up at me and said "I love you" I smiled and of course...told her i loved her back. We laid there once again, looking into each others eyes. Our friends were heading back down stairs so she got up and went to wish them a happy new year. I sat there thinking okay.....this girl might actually have to meet my mom. The two roads I had set for myself now seemed like jokes compared to her. I wanted her to be in my life. She was changing my life And I was pretty sure I was changing hers. Im sure we both knew there was something there. Anyways. We kept going. The right direction that is. Never actually declaring her my girlfriend but we knew what we were to eachother. Although no one else did it didn't matter. It was just her and I.
    Just when everything seemed perfect......she dumped it on me again.
    I met someone. She seemed almost hesitant to tell me. And when she did I was devastated. I had never had such a cold sweat come over me. All my work. All my love and dedication wasn't enough. One guy and it was all knocked over.
    To make matters worse like a week after this happened I was doing some desperate soul searching and found out I had been sexually molested as a child. I fell into this deep dark depression. I questioned my existence and hated my life. I didn't care. Everyone else seemed to care about me but I. G knew what I was going through and it was almost a perfect excuse to ask her for space. Which she respected. She'd still always call me at night to check on me. The whole time I knew her she never had a boyfriend. And although we all questioned it....she was beautiful this thing she had going seemed to put not only her at ease, but everyone else. And I felt like I was left there with my heart ripped out. Except no one could see. With a combination of the underlying betrayal I felt and my blast from the past I began using lots of drugs. Cocaine. The next two months were drowned and I was going down. G was a friend like she needed to be but I didn't really allow her to do much more. In time my friends told me to clean up and cheer up or they'd just let me rot it out. So i did. With help with friends and unfortunately family I got my junk together. One day one of my BFF's decided to throw a dinner at her place. It had been sometime since we all hung out so I accepted the offer. I assumed G was off in her own world so I didn't even ask if she was going. Although I had spoken to her earlier in the day I had no idea where she was or who she was with for that matter. It didn't matter. I didn't want to know. So there I was at my friends. Attempting to forget the last two months of my life and she came walking through that door. Seems as though half of us seemed as surprised as I was to see her. Then she made her way through the house and walked over to hug me. It was a kind hug. She whispered i missed you and gave me a sympathetic pat on the head. Of course I was happy to see her but I got that feeling again. and I got scared. So we began watching a movie. She came over and sat next to me. Again, leaning on me. Eventually laying on me under a blanket. I felt so detached from the room so I left. I went outside to smoke. I walked overto a ditch by my friends house and sat in it. a few minutes later I heard footsteps. And when I looked up there was G. She made her way down and I barely looking at her said nothing to her. She came over and sat on me. I was sitting with my legs crossed and she kinda sat inside my legs. We stared at the stars. In complete silence. She eventually grabbed the cigarette from my mouth threw it and turned to me. She began tearing up. And then just kinda started laughing. She began kissing my neck and made her way towards my face. Kissing almost all of it except my lips. I felt so numb. Like i was forcing my body to not enjoy it. I kissed her forehead like I always do and kinda just blurted it out. Where is he? She smiled and said they had actually been done. It never took off. I once again reminded her of how beautiful she was and we sat there in each others arms. Kissing and mostly leg rubbing. She kissed my hands and arms. Sucked on my neck. I was so in love. And in one night the anger was gone. That thing I worked so hard to dry out for her...gone. I was all mush again. I had allowed her back into my heart. I had never felt anything like that. We heard our friends approaching so we got up. For the following months we were perfect. We were once again where we needed to be and getting better. I always thought of ways of asking her to be my girlfriend and finally declaring that thing we never wanted to say. When the following semester started her and her new friend spent a lot of time together. I understood. We were always together.....I needed a break too. And one day she just out of the blue called me and told me she had stopped being friends with her bffff. Not our mutual bfff but the regina George character. Which was strange to me. Apparently her new friend had convinced her that her and a lot of them were just using her. I never felt that way at all so i stayed friends with them. G didn't seem to mind.
    Well sometime passed and we seemed to always be fighting. Over anything. Didn't really matter. She became temperamental. and sometimes irrational. We both seemed rather tired so i told her we should take a break from our thing. Of course ALWAYS keeping contact. And we did. She missed me and i missed her but it seemed good for us. I had worked up my speech for her. I had found this beautiful place I was going to finally ask her to be my girlfriend and everything. And then...............

    I text her. Told her we should meet up. We hung out and she seemed good. We were cuddly and all that like we usually were. But she seemed so distracted. She just kept repeating how much she missed me but insisted that her new friend was a great one and shes so glad she wasn't friends with our old friends. I didn't think much. I didn't really like her new friend but it made her happy so i didn't care. As long as she was happy. So that night I dropped her off. She invited me in. So we laid there on the couch cuddled. I ended up falling asleep and I woke up and we were practically spooning. She had been drinking some so i walked her over to her bed. Gave her a kiss on the forehead and she pulled me in. I laid there next to her. her warmth and smell were perfect. Because she was intoxicated I didn't want to try anything. So I just held her all night. I remember waking the next morning and getting a glimpse of what my future could be like. It was perfect hungover and all she was still beautiful. We had breakfast and i went home. That night she text me saying that no matter what happened between us she'd always love me and that there would always be a piece of me in her heart. I agreed.

    For a couple days I didn't hear from her. And then she text me....we need to talk....

    I was expecting a weird argument like she had been doing lately. So we sat on the sidewalk. I found myself crying all of the sudden. Apparently her new friend had convinced her that I too, was using her. That I was bad for her and I was only hurting her. I didn't understand. How she could let some girl who knew nothing of me make judgment calls on me. I certainly never did. We both finished crying. And she told me to have a good life. I grabbed her by the arm and asked her if there was anything she needed to say to me.....she teared up again and said NO. and slammed the door in my face.
    she later text me that she couldn't believe how much i hurt her and that afterall I meant to her it just wasn't good enough. I wanted to hear her say it. Idk exactly what...maybe I love you and I want to be with you. Like a girlfriend. But i never got it. For godssakes I even got....I LOVE YOU but that wasn't good enough.

    Idk what I wanted to hear from her. It was all there. 5 years later and I still look back at it and think.....wow...how stupid was i? Im blessed to have met someone like her and she made a new life possible for me. But I only want it with her. There is not a day that has gone by that I don't think about her. I think about what I shouldn't have said and what I failed to say. She completely cut me and all our friends out of her life within the following year. Eventually she forgot us all. she had deleted me and blocked me from social media for a while. She even told a few friends of mine that she hated so many things I got her into. Made sense but I had introduced her to this amazing band that really sang our feelings and she even threw them out. It was so harsh. with no explanation. 5 years later and I have a speech ready in case shes ever ready. She has since moved states and i know shes still friends with her new friend. NO i don't stalk her. And I think as long as them two are friends....I cant. Seems like shes the only friend she has left. but whatever. Ive respected her request and left her alone.
    for the 2 years following that i guess break up, I was a mess. I dropped out of school. Gained a considerable amount of weight and really just had no desire for anything. Now 5 years later I better. I've lost almost all the weight and about to be even more fit than I was in HS and I am ready to finish school. 5 years of confusion and guilt.
    If she ever gave me one chance....just once conversation with her thatd be enough for me. But idk whats going to happen. Id like to think weren't meant to be. And I still strongly believe that. Because Im once again locked in a closet i don't wish to come out of for anyone but her. Ive had a couple small straight relationships and even some cute girls come on to me since then but nothing I wished to do anything about. I even had one girl that came close to breaking a small barrier but it wasn't enough. I didn't want her. I want G. I feel I will always.

    I know very long. and Im not sure the purpose of me sharing this.....ofcourse maybe some advice....some fake vision from some kind stranger that says....yep she'll be back. I needed to share this. Ive never shared this with anyone. Atleast the whole story. The intimate one on one things we had. But it never made sense to me? but why? Im sure some of yall can think of my cowardness and think well....no wonder she left? or come on?! are you stupid?! she never felt anything....

    anyways,
    thanks. hope you enjoyed.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    She was the one for you. Fear, self loathing have lost her for you. She loved you and at the very least she would have contemplated being with you even though I have a feeling she leans hetero.

    I think the one thing you really have to do and to find hope is to love the heck out of yourself. The way she did you and abandoned a good university and got into not so good things just for you. I am glad you are doing better, please do more and know that you are worthwhile and see yourself through her eyes before the fear and self loathing kicked in.

    I hope for you too just to have that one conversation, I get it, for she is the one that you could come out to and then you can be yourself whatever her reactions are. I know your title said no, but I think that is the thing you really need to do for yourself and acknowledge and accept yourself is to be out. Hopefully one day you can have that conversation with her. But do it for you, find an understanding friend and come out, then find another till you are high and drunk with acceptance and not substance.

    Best wishes to you.
     
    #2
  3. Andie321

    Andie321 Member

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    Thanks. I know I have plenty of hate for myself. And it seems as though after she left that hate grew bigger. The ironic part is for the longest time I told myself she's not gay. She couldn't be. I could never be so lucky. And now older, I guess wiser I look back at all the conversations and things I shared with her and think, wow! It could not have been more
    Obvious. I remember one night she text me....."so what if I am a lesbian?"
    I thought nothing of it. The whole time I was with her I denied her feelings towards me in my head for her. There were plenty of perfect times I could've said something but, I wa such a different person back then. With all the growing up and all I've done.
    Getting into shape and what not I'm really beginning to admire myself.
    For a while I hung on to alcohol to cope but now I'm completely clean. Of everything. I don't even drink with my friends anymore. I feel like for the first time in my life I'm
    Actually finding myself beautiful. I want to meet other women but.....idk at the end of the night she's who I wish I was looking back at. And I know, I should move on. But I can't. :(
    Thank you though for your kind words.
    Hopefully one day I can write on how she and I are trying again.
     
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