I don't really know how to deal with any of this. [Long]

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Rani3, Mar 24, 2015.

  1. Rani3

    Rani3 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    My school has mandatory anti-sexual violence & sexual harassment education for all students, staff, and faculty coming up because of something that happened on campus recently. A few friends and I were discussing it today and all of the women at the table were happy that at least the school is bothering to talk about it and not just covering it up.

    But the only guy in our group, who is openly gay, laughed it off. Then he kept talking about "crazy bitches" and most rape being made up and women trying to ruin guys' lives on purpose. He was demanding that everyone skip because it is anti-men, I was...really disturbed. Another girl brought up that there is so much sexual violence against the entire LGBT community, and that the seminar is going to cover that as well and he rolled his eyes.

    I've known him for years so after the other girls left, I told him about how just a few months ago I had to get an adviser to help with a classmate who was threatening me. I thought telling him that would help him understand a little bit why this is important to me but he just said that I'm "not [his] type so [he didn't] understand [our] classmate's interest." And then he kept talking about how evil women are and how men are the victims...And it's not just this one guy, I was surprised by his opinions because I've known him so long and I thought he was different but what he said is often said by gay guys at my school when we talk about women's issues.

    My school has a huge gay community and it's been advertised as a really welcoming place by the LGBT students' org. So I've been thinking of coming out but today I realized that in two years at the school I don't know any openly out lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people, ... it's just gay men. The only exception is a girl I met here who was out to her family but not at school, but she dropped out from the school about a week after some of the students in the LGBT student org ran into her and her girlfriend off-campus.

    The LGBT student org is really just the gay student org so all the activities are male-centric. And the comments and jokes that are made about women, lesbians, etc. are scary. TBH, I don't want to come out anymore. Not as long as I'm here. I wish I could go further in the closet. I actually feel less safe around the gay community at my school then the straight community.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Hi Rani, I am sorry your friend was so unsupportive and prejudiced. it must have been very surprising and dissapointing. I get surprised too when I encounter someone who has been marginalized as a member of a minority and still harbors prejudice against another. It happens a lot and I get surprised everytime. The usual argument I hear is that the mistreatments are not real or all that of a big deal and we are making too much of it and displaying a lot of agression and get this, wasting everyone's time talking about it.

    What helps me is when the situation comes up I don't back down and I try to stay calm. Sure I get upset when someone is pig headed and prejudiced and a friend of all things won't be on my side even when I am hurt, but I would get more upset if I didn't say my piece and in that I think you have. He should have supported you and not dismiss you and if I had been there I would have slapped him upside the head with a wet rainbow pasta. And I am sure when he gets older and remembers this he might want to do it to his younger self. Don't come out unless you feel safe. Perhaps there is someone in the same situation as you that you can confide in and feel support that way. Maybe there is a lgbt center near you where you can find a group. And always feel free to vent here. *hugs*
     
    #2
  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    The group has a faculty advisor. Talk to the faculty advisor about your concerns.

    This stuff becomes self fulfilling. Lesbians go to the group and have experiences like yours. They drop out, so the group just gets more male centric.

    Explain to the advisor that you want the lesbian / lady / rape victim bashing to stop, that it's not appropriate. Also say you'd like something for just women. Maybe a once a month queer womens' movie screening and coming out chat. Carve out a little space, away from the nasty guys.

    I'm sorry you are going through all this. Keep your head up. And your post wasn't all that long.

    Edit: if you don't want to make too many waves you can explain that to the advisor. That you would like the women bashing and separate event for women handled tactfully, so you don't get a big backlash.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2015
    Just Me and greylin like this.
  4. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2013
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    168
    Although I agree with what Bluenote said, in practice it probably won't work. Unfortunately, in the LGBT community gay men have always received more attention and help. While Lesbians will try to get a sub-group going, they are often dismissed. Gay or straight, men expect to be in charge and expect the world to revolve around them. Personally, I think there should be separate groups, one for gay men and another for lesbians. Lumping the two together has never made sense because we are not the same. It's like lumping books or movies under the gay and lesbian label but not separating the two out further. Women need to shift through hundreds of gay male titles before finding a lesbian movie.

    If you bring anything up to school administrators, it should be that a second group should be formed for women. Find a couple of other lesbians on campus to discuss this with before time. Write a short proposal giving a very good argument for the group.

    Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do. Remember that college is the time to protest and stand up for your rights. So, don't back down. They'll only win that way.
     
    #4
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I can't get with what you said about men in general (that is a bit prejudiced, don't you think?) but everything else you said made a lot of sense.
     
    #5
  6. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2013
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    168
    It's true. We are probably of different generations. My generation had to fight to be taken seriously on the workforce. I've actually been told by men I worked with in the past that they believe woman should never get paid as much as men or be promoted because they have babies and aren't serious about having a career. Are you aware that help wanted columns used to be separated by men and women? Many companies only hired women as assistants to men. Women were often fired when they got married because the men who ran the businesses could do whatever they wanted. They wanted young, unmarried woman.

    Also, it has been my personal experience with local gay and lesbian organizations that gay men take over and develop everything to be about and for them. It's been a complaint of lesbians forever. What is happening on this campus is not new.

    Although it may sound prejudiced, it's a fact that it's a patriarchal society. There are no laws in the US that make women equal to men. Women still get paid less and probably always will. Why? Because younger generations assume equality exists and have given up the fight. Younger women assume that feminism is bad and means women who hate men. Women believe that it's prejudice against men. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's about equality for women Don't be so quick to shut someone down for telling the truth. Not speaking up will never bring about change.
     
    #6
    Bluenote likes this.
  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    How is the current state of society, my age and yours have anything to do tarring all males with the same brush? We will have to disagree on calling all men that way. I don't like bashing one sex vs. another. Again, I have agreed with a lot of the truths you told. I can't get with that one thing you said about men in general.
     
    #7

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice