i don't know if i am allowed to be offended

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by annieebananiee3, Dec 20, 2014.

  1. annieebananiee3

    annieebananiee3 New Member

    Dec 20, 2014
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    I'm not sure if this is a thing, but my friend likes to say that she's "straight with lesbian tendencies," although I know she would never date a girl. She just thinks girls are hot and let's be honest, who doesn't? It's pretty offensive because it seems like she just wants to be mainstream. And I know it's no one's place to judge anyone else's sexuality or labels, but it just seems a bit rude of her. I don't know. Someone help me understand please. Also, I am not one for stereotypes, but when I see a girl that I think is gay, I point it out with my friends. And my friend (same as above) gets really offended because she wears beanies and isn't gay and she just really gets on my nerves. Am I the wrong one here? I don't know if I am being the offensive one or not. I'm sorry if I am being offensive and/or ignorant.
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    If you're going to be butthurt about that, you're going to spend a lot of your life being butthurt.

    I know I'm approaching this a bit flippantly, but I'm doing it to make a point. The point is - there are people out there that are hateful, there are people out there that are ignorant and there are people out there that are immature. You have to sort out how much you want to be angry, how much you want to fight and change. And how much you just let roll of you, like water off a duck's back.

    So yeah, get mad if someone is hateful. And get mad if they are ignorant and mean - like calling gay people perverts, or child molesters. But if someone is well meaning but ignorant - do you really want to spend your whole life fighting that? Same with someone being immature. They will grow up eventually, but do you have to fight every moment of it? You'll spend a lot of time angry and disappointed.

    Your friend who says she's "straight with lesbian tendencies" - OK, that's a bit ignorant. But she doesn't hate gays, she's not anti gay or anything. She just doesn't know how to label herself if she's straight but can find women attractive. Of course, this just makes her a normal straight girl. Even if 50% of straight girls are too uptight to admit they find other girls hot. So she's being a bit silly. But at least she's on our side (pro-gay) and not on the other side. So maybe let it go.

    The gaydar thing. If you and your friend argue about who is gay or not - maybe just quit bringing it up. I mean, straight girls usually don't have gaydar anyhow. So what's the point? She can be an OK friend, even if she has sucky gaydar. If there are other things you like about her as a friend, just let her faults go. No one is perfect.

    Though it would help if you had gay friends to talk to about this stuff. So if you don't, get involved in things that will help you make more gay friends. Then you can use your gaydar around your cool gay friends.

    Life is too short to be butthurt.
    Spygirl likes this.
  3. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Jul 26, 2013
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    The next time your friend says she's straight with gay tendencies, ask her what she means. It could mean that she thinks she's straight, but is possibly bi-sexual. Maybe she would like to explore what it's like to be with a woman but will only consider having a relationship with a man. Or, maybe she just thinks that noticing how some women are beautiful makes her sorta gay. That would be the time to correct her. If she has eyes, she can see if someone is beautiful, but it doesn't mean she has gay tendencies. It's not worth being offended if she really doesn't know what she's talking about. There are young women who believe that if they are willing to experiment with other women it means they're gay and therefore, being gay is a choice. Again, a time to educate, if that what she means.

    As far as pointing out women you think may be gay based on their attire, your friend has a point. There are a lot of straight women out there who look kinda butch or wear tomboy clothing. You can't tell by clothing or hair. So, it's really sort of discriminatory on your part to label someone's sexual orientation that way.

    There's no reason to get mad about any of it. Turn it into a joke and laugh to loosen the tension. As you get older you'll realize life has so many really shitty things to get mad about, that these things you mentioned are nothing in comparison. Don't waste your time being offended. It will just make you harder to get along with and people will want to stay away.
  4. Fix Society

    Fix Society Well-Known Member

    Jan 3, 2015
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    "I'm like, totally walking all over your sexuality because gender doesn't exist as a boundary, you know? But like, everything you know, like, about your sexuality, I'm just gonna walk all over it and make it seem like it's just my own identity. Pssst. I'm also, like, so special, so like, other people who look gay, don't, like, exist, technically."

    Yeah, I can see both sides, but there's a lot of annoying people in this world and if it wigs you out then you'll be spending so, so much time being mad. Too much time.
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    It would probably annoy me if a friend said that. "Oh, I don't want to actually deal with having a queer identity, so I'm gonna call myself straight, rock the straight privilege, and just admit to the bit that is socially acceptable. And I'm going to get stressed out when you point out queers who look like me, because I'M STRAIGHT." It's insensitive, silly, and a little dishonest. So yeah, borderline offensive.

    But at the same time, her shit is her shit, and you can't make it yours. Whatever the reason she identifies that way, it's her problem and her job to deal with it. If you go around making every closeted semi-queer and confused straight girl's inability to deal into your issue, you are going to be exhausted and angry all the time. What you can do is figure out how to respond such that you are honest and true to yourself.

    Also, get some out gay friends. They will have different shit, and that will at least be a nice change of pace.
    TADinUS likes this.

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