I don't even know

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by namegirl, Dec 24, 2015.

  1. namegirl

    namegirl New Member

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    I'm not sure what's even happening in my brain, so I'm just gonna blurt what comes to mind.
    I'm still in high school, so I can't say I have a lot of experience with relationships or anything, but I had a boyfriend last year, and we kissed a few times, but I didn't really feel anything special, but I don't know if it's just him or guys in general. I've always been curious about other girls, but always thought of it with the pretense of "but I'm not gay"
    Lately this has become significant because I have been thinking a lot about a girl in my gym class and might have a crush on her, but I'm not very good at understanding my own emotions, let alone someone else's, so I'm not sure what to do.
    I think my friend might have guessed at what I'm questioning, she's dropped hints ,like saying other girls could be my "special friend", and my mom recently pointed out how shows we watch together don't seem to have nearly enough onscreen lgbt couples that last a while.
    Can someone just give me some advice on where to go from here? Am I even gay? Should I come out if I am?
    At this point, anything would be helpful, so thanks for listening to my babbling.
     
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  2. seven

    seven Member

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    Hi namegirl! I think you are putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Why do you want to have a label? Just be you. Maybe one day you will identify with gay/straight/ bisexual but there is no rush. Maybe you won't identify with any of those labels - I don't. We are human beings. Complex creatures. Sexuality is a spectrum. If you like someone, great. Gym class girl - do you speak to her often? Are you friends?
     
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  3. namegirl

    namegirl New Member

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    Thank you, I have been trying not to focus too much on labels and specifics, but I'm just kind of trying to figure out how to process everything. I'm good friends with the girl in my gym class, and we talk and make jokes all the time, but I don't know if she likes me in that way, and don't want to risk making things awkward if she doesn't, especially if I'm not sure if I even feel that way. I just want to figure out how to understand myself and then what to do once I do, without losing a friend.
     
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  4. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Hi, namegirl! I wrote a long response. Sorry, still learing how to be concise. Take what is useful; leave the rest. Your questions and our responses may help others in addtion to yourself. Let's hope :) Here goes:

    I agree with Seven. No pressure on yourself to figure this one out...there is no hurry. And even when you think you have it all figured out, there is always something new to figure out about yourself. That is what makes us interesting as human beings because we have a lifetime to do self-discovery! If we keep growing and learning about ourselves we are guaranteed to never be bored :) Some people like labels to help them sort through stuff, other people find them to be uncomfortable or limiting. Either way, even in using labels, they can change over time.

    The other thing to help calm your worries is that crushes are just really intense, exciting thoughts and feelings about another person. We can't control the feelings, we can choose to enjoy them, tolerate them, be freaked out by them, etc. But these feelings are not going to harm you. You don't have to try to do something about them. Feelings come and go, some last a long time, some are really intense for a while, all feelings ebb and flow over time. Think of them like waves of an ocean....some are big, some gentle, some scary, exciting, overwhelming, fun, happy, sad, etc. All feelings will recede and return, there is both consistency (waves are always happening no matter what we do) and unpredictability (continuous movement and change in ocean waves over which we have no control). This makes feelings beautiful, fascinating, and breath-taking. I believe its one of the biggest reasons we, as humans, return to beaches so often. The constancy and the always-changing aspect of the ocean is so similar to our own perceptions of our internal emotional world.

    Crushes do not have to be acted upon (Thank goodness! I'm so glad I have NOT acted on every crush I have ever had!)...But they do teach us about different parts of ourselves, if we can be kind and gentle with ourselves as we observe and experience them.

    What we DO have control over is our Actions...Many people choose to act on a crush (with mixed results!), while others may choose to wait it out. Generally, if you can get past the freaked out phase, crushes can be enjoyable. Certainly, this gives you something to look forward to in your school day and is a great way to pass the time in gym!

    It is always difficult to tell if another person is experiencing the same level of feeling that you are, because feelings are internal and unique to every individual (Probably why we use the word "crush?"...because when the other person is not experiencing that same intense emotion OR is not going to act on it, we feel sort of "crushed" from the let down). It can be a big gamble to Act on a crush, especially if the other person has not indicated with words/actions that she feels the same way. Gambles involve winning and losing. Sometimes you can end up with a girlfriend, sometimes you don't but stay friends, sometimes you can lose your really good friend, or many variations of those three. Ultimately, you have to make the choice about the risk you are willing to take. Whatever your outcome, if you act or don't act on the crush, it is all life experience. We have all been there; we learn more about ourselves and relationships through every joy and heartbreak that we live through.

    The really GOOD news I gleaned from your post is that both your Mom and your Friend sound like they are very supportive and love you no matter what. Glad they are open and accepting of the idea that you could possibly identify as LGBTQIA <- that's a lot of letters, but it's an attempt to include all of us:). It is great to know that your Mom & Friend are there for you! Would it be safe or helpful to talk with either or both of them about the fact that you are questioning?

    Also, does your high school have a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) group? That can be a place to be around other students and adults who provide a safe, supportive environment to think about and talk about these feelings. Even if you identify as straight, other queer kids in high school can always use more supportive, friendly faces!
    Some communities have regular groups which are free for young people to attend for support and friendship, usually sponsored by a local LGBTQIA center or a local PFLAG (Parents, Friends/Families of Lesbians and Gays) group. I know a lot of young people in my town and another town close by (both towns are still relatively conservative and rural) who attend groups for teens who are working through some of these issues. They really enjoy the support, education, fun, and friendships that they find in the groups and wouldn't miss a session! Generally, you don't have to identify as gay to attend, teens who are questioning are welcome, as long as they are safe, respectful, and supportive to other group attendees. It looks like you are already exploring online resources, which is how you found AE. Good for you! :)
    I wish you peace, patience, and acceptance as you sort through these very normal, exciting, intense, and confusing feelings "happening in [your] brain" to use your words ;)
     
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  5. namegirl

    namegirl New Member

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    Thank you, I agree that this could help other people and that's actually how I became interested in this site. I am trying to be more open and not restrict myself to a certain label, but I can tend to be quite analytical and a bit paranoid about the connotations of different things, so Im trying to just settle on being me, and figuring out what that means when I can. That also makes it harder for me to understand my feelings for someone else or their feelings for me, I can get a bit too analytical in those cases, but I've found researching and finding like-minded people helps me understand myself and come to a point where I'm comfortable with myself. I'm not sure if I'm going to act on these feelings anytime soon, since I can be quite shy, and I appreciate that you understand that, in some cases, it might not be the best thing or something you feel comfortable with. My school does have a GSA, and I went to a meeting this week, which was a bit awkward but very welcoming, and I also came out to my mom as liking girls, and told my friend, but a bit more casually, they were both very happy and glad I told them. Thank you so much for replying, especially in such a helpful and detailed way, I really appreciate it, and this site is continually making me more aware and comfortable with myself and the people around me.
     
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  6. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Wow! You are really incredible! You spoke to Mom and your friend, attended a GSA meeting, and are exploring online...Yay, You!!! I am so glad that you are looking around for where you can find your strong support!
    There is A LOT to read here! I was a reader a long time before I became a member. So many questions and generous, thoughtful responses here that I'm sure you can find some things that you can relate to if you dig a little. Every body has stuff to work out about themselves. it's ok to do some self-analysis, of course, but try not to over-think things. It is most important to be able to accept yourself as you are at any given time, realizing that you are still growing, changing, and learning about yourself. Take your time and enjoy the process of self-discovery! Best wishes to you :)
     
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  7. namegirl

    namegirl New Member

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    Thank you for such thoughtful responses, and it took a lot of working myself up to talk to my mom and friend, but once I did, I felt so much better, and the people on here seemed so welcoming, finding people in real life like that seemed like a logical next step, and I am so glad I could take that chance and make new friends while getting to understand myself better. I'm trying to not overthink this, and the other threads on this site have been very helpful, and especially this one, you're responses have been so kind and helpful, so thank you for reading my weird little rant and helping me figure out what to do.
     
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  8. seven

    seven Member

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    Well done! You should be really proud of yourself. Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sure you will help many others in similar positions to you from this post alone.
     
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