I cheated on her and I'm scum

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by right in two, Dec 14, 2013.

  1. right in two

    right in two Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2013
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    My girlfriend J and I have been together a total of 12 years, we're both 28. There was about a year and a half after college where we were broken up - an amicable split meant to provide space since we got together so young - but even after living hundreds of miles apart and leading different lives, we couldn't stay away. From the beginning, our sex life ebbed more than it flowed with the ebbs lasting longer than the flows. I wasn't necessarily okay with it but I loved her so much that I told myself it wasn't that big a deal. The last few years it's grown to be a big deal because our sexual activity has been really sparse where we average maybe only 4 or 5 times per year and this year its been virtually nonexistent. When we do have sex it is still amazing and mutual but it happens so infrequently that I feel like I'm going insane.

    I have exhausted every idea and suggestion that I could research or think up to bring sex back into our relationship. We've had long conversations where I've expressed my concerns, questioned whether it was something I was or wasn't doing, or if something was going on with her. She always says she loves me unconditionally and there is nothing to tell except she doesn't feel sexual. I finally convinced her to see a doctor who said there was nothing physically wrong with her. Then we sought traditional and sex therapy for well over a year with no measurable change. She asks me, more often than I'd like, why everything else we have isn't enough. Every other part of our relationship is great. I am still madly in love with her, we have strong emotional intimacy, great conversation, laugh a lot, share a lot of the same goals and dreams, and I would trust her with my life. I know and honestly feel she feels the exact same way. Of course the only place where we diverge is sex.

    When I met M I thought she was good looking and noticed very early on that she was very flirty. Eventually she began suggesting jokingly that we hook up and I laughed it off but enjoyed the attention. M eventually ratcheted up her advances which made me uncomfortable and I stopped taking her calls and texts for a while. Then J and I were in yet another cavernous pit of an ebb, and in the most clichéd of moves, I turned to M. I'd truly forgotten what it felt like to be desired and realized how much I needed and missed that. For two months, M and I carried on a sex only relationship, essentially using each other when we were in the mood. I felt like shit after every time but I obviously kept doing it.

    In all the time J and I have been together, I don't think I've ever been mean or threatening about us not having sex. For the most part I've tried to be positive and patient but I'm human and I know there have been times when I might have been too persistent and allowed my frustration to come out in other ways besides the cheating which probably caused some underlying tension. When I started hooking up with M, all of that stopped. At some point, I realized J was actually happier when I was cheating because the subject of sex became a nonissue. When I realized that, it finally completely sunk in that I'm a weak, horrible, selfish asshole. I ended it with M completely about a month ago. I've struggled with coming clean but haven't yet because J has said many, many times cheating is a deal breaker and I know she will leave me. A huge chunk of me knows she should because I'm a piece of shit but that same chunk doesn't want her to because despite what I've done, I still love her deeply and want us to work. I want to tell her soon regardless of the consequences.

    I should probably go back into therapy and seek guidance but I wanted to come here to see if any of you could help, have any insight, or have been through something similar.
     
    #1
  2. begemot

    begemot Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2013
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    0
    So, I read your post and I really feel for you because I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in your position, where you love someone so much who is just not that into sex. I was in a relationship that was much shorter than yours (1 year) where my girlfriend didn't like sex that much and it really took a toll on my self-esteem. The fact that you are thinking so much about this and worrying proves that you must be a very caring girlfriend and I can tell that despite the issues, you love J very much.

    To be honest, after reading your post, I can't say I really blame you for your actions. Obviously it was a shitty thing to do and in most cases, I'm very against cheating, but in this case, I think J is being incredibly unfair to you. Even though she doesn't have a high sex drive, sex is a really important factor in a romantic relationship and to just assume that you can hold everthing else above sex is asking a lot. Making "cheating" a dealbreaker seems especially unfair if she refuses to discuss sex with you. Have you ever discussed opening the relationship? I listen to a lot of Dan Savage podcasts and it seems this is something that works for a lot of couples that have a discrepancy of sex drives. If you think you can keep your side relationships strictly sexual and that it would ease tension in your relationship, perhaps this is something to consider and bring up with her. If she refuses, however, you may need to rethink your relationship entirely. It seems like her dislike of sex isn't going to change anytime soon and in the mean time, you will either have to keep having these adulterous and secretive sexual relationships or abstain from sex altogether when she doesn't desire it. That doesn't seem entirely fair to you and you will need to figure out on your own how much sex means to you in a long term relationship. Just remember one thing: your higher sex drive and the need to have that fulfilled does NOT make you a lesser or a weaker person than she is. It is a basic human need and while emotional connections are important and perhaps (in our culture) of a higher moral value, sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. My ex would tell me that what we had was "too pure" for sex and that I should be happy with the deep emotional connection we already had, but in the end, her lack of physical desire for me was taking a huge toll on my self esteem that I am still recovering from. Good luck. I hope that you find a solution that works for you. You seem like a very conscientious, caring person who made a mistake because your existing relationship had a lot of issues. I hope you and your girlfriend resolve it in a way that makes you feel happy in your own skin.
     
    #2
  3. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2013
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    1
    I think this is a very simple situation actually; it might not feel simple, but it is on a logical level. You've been with this woman for 12 years (which is significantly longer than most relationships), you've put in a very good run. It's up to you to sit down and weigh the pros and the cons. If regular sex is something you absolutely need in a relationship - why stay with someone you're not getting it from? I'm not gonna sugar coat this like the last poster did. What you did was absolutely terrible. A two month affair is a long time. (Some people have full blown start-to-finish relationships within two months) Your girlfriend would've been happier if you explained what you needed, and ended things with her. At least she'll think of everything you two had on a good note. It might take time for her, but she'll heal and grow. Now, if she finds out about you're cheating, you've automatically put a negative light on everything you two shared. She'll think of you and only think of a cheater that hurt her - she'll vaguely remember the good times. Break up with her, stop holding on to something that's not what you need. Fact is, if you stay and someone else comes along, you will cheat. Again. How long do you plan to keep dragging things on? You'll be doing yourself and her a favor. You got together when you were 16? It's time to let go.
     
    #3
  4. amongster

    amongster Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2013
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    I somewhat disagree with Dalo. It looks like the sex thing has been an issue for a while and J seems happiest when the relationship is sexless even though it makes the OP unhappy. J ignoring the OP's pain in lieu of her own happiness and contentment likely has been very hurtful and deleterious to their relationship and to the OP's self esteem. So if J knew she couldn't give the OP what she needed (or you can look at it as J wanting a sexless relationship which she couldn't have with the OP) then why shouldn't she have ended it? Why is it ok for J to drag it out? To me it screams selfishness on both their parts, the OP cheating to get what she wants and J cheating the OP to get what she wants.

    Right in two…You seem like a nice person who's done a horrible thing. The only advice I can give you is to not be selfish, be interminably apologetic and tell her everything and I do mean everything: the affair, whatever feelings you have about the lack of sex and how it's affected the relationship. Be completely transparent because you have nothing to lose at this point. Either she sees what you've done as irreparable and leaves you or you open her eyes to the rips that were already there before and maybe just maybe she wants to work it out. You owe her the absolute truth especially since you've broken her trust.

    I do have one question: From what you've said, the two of you are no longer in therapy, if that's true, why did you quit? 12 years is long time to be with someone and I think it would take longer than a year to work through your issues.
     
    #4
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    I don't condone cheating (defined as carrying on a physical or emotional relationship without your partner's knowledge or consent). But I actually fundamentally disagree with the other posters that you have to end it with her, that J is the bad guy for not wanting sex, that you're the bad guy for needing sex. I humbly suggest that the bad guy here is our cultural default of monogamy, and that bergemot is on to something.

    Your desires and needs are mismatched, and IS rough. The chances that any two people are going to care deeply for each other, share hopes and dream, be compatible co-habitators, and want the same level and kind of sex - crazy! She doesn't need much sex, isn't comfortable having sex when she's not really feeling it, and doesn't see this as a problem. (She sounds as though she's a little on the asexuality spectrum, and I think that stigmatizing or problematizing this isn't healthy for her: she's fine just the way she is). You want more sex, have a need to feel desired, and perceive sex as an important part of relationships. (This is also not at all problematic or unusual). Neither of you is wrong or doing anything wrong; you just need something totally different in this particular area.

    If you value the love, affection, and partnership in your relationship, and want it to continue, I would suggest discussing alternative, non-monogamous relationship options. Maybe you're allowed to seek sex via one-night stands, provided you're safe and responsible. Maybe you have a sexual partner (like M except with J's knowledge and permission), and you guys have some fun. Maybe whatever your extracurriculars, you always come home to J - and that's fine with both of you. (For representations of this kind of relationship, and ace/sexual relationships, see http://www.asexuality.org/home/ and my favorite webcomic, Girls With Slingshots.) The difference between this and cheating is that you're doing this with your partner's knowledge and consent, and she is free to express her needs and concerns.

    This may seem crazy, but there are TONS of couples who make choices like this and have healthy, fulfilling relationships. As bergemot mentioned, Dan Savage is a big advocate of "monogamish" relationships, and there are other resources on polyamory and open relationships. The key is open communication and honesty, and recognizing that jealousy doesn't always represent your best interests or needs. Short of exploring non-monogamy, I think you have no choice but to end the relationship, because the mismatch that caused this crisis will cause another in the future, and contribute to your lasting unhappiness - even if you get past this particular incident of cheating. She may not be interested or able to be in this kind of relationship, but you'll never know unless you decide to have the conversation (and I really do believe it's the only way forward that keeps you together).

    (I don't have advice about how to deal with the cheating; generally, I think honest converations are the way to go. But before having that conversation, I would have a game plan about what will change the situation so that it doesn't happen again, if you want to preserve the relationship.)
     
    #5
  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I once stumbled onto a gay guy's post about being an ethical cheat. He was gay and married to a woman for a while and he claimed that he cheated "ethically" and his wife was happier when he cheated and treated her well as a consequence. However the end game for him was when he realized it was not really sustainable and he divorced and lived openly as a gay man. So in the same way, I agree with the above ladies, this relationship is probably not sustainable for your needs.

    I wonder the value of telling J about your betrayal. I could go either way on this because everyone and every situation is different. I have heard counsels that suggested not telling your partner about your cheating if you had already ended the extra relationship and there is no std's or things that you can pass on and you are reasonably sure your partner would not find out. The reason for that is not for self preservation but more like you don't want to unburden your guilt on your partner. I would advice you to make a conscious decision of why you doing what you going to do; please think things through carefully for you know her best and make a decision not based on guilt. And when you do tell her everything, and I think you will, tell her for the right reasons. For example, if my gf had cheated on me and it's over she would probably not tell me because I would be asking her questions about it for the next ten years (because I am just that curious about everything involving her) and she probably won't even like sex after that. I am not making light of this by any means, it would seriously affect us, but that would be one aspect of why it would not be good for her to tell me.

    Non monogamy from here on out could be an answer but probably not with M. Even if you were to disclose everything and ask for forgiveness and ask for non monogamy as a future, she would need a lot of time to adjust and you probably can't start the new chapter including M. I am assuming as I write this that you are not that emotionally tied to M. I hope you find a way to lay this burden down to the best of your ability and not let this destroy you and J as people. M was your drug and you self-medicated, the way some people drink or what not to fill a hole.
     
    #6
  7. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2013
    Messages:
    938
    Likes Received:
    188
    lord almighty. Well I'm not sure I agreed with any of the above really, even the L & G powerhouse duo. I didn't at all get the impression from how you described your relationship that you would be into an open relationship. In fact, I got the impression that you going home asking for an open relationship would be even worse than you going home saying you cheated, and your girlfriend would immediately call to check you in somewhere on the presumption that you had lost your marbles. Logically, an open relationship might solve your problems if you were both you know...down with it. If that's not for you, then...

    Well first off, I reckon, if you can keep shtum about the cheating, do. And by 'if you can' I mean that if it doesn't overly harm you or over-burden you or make you feel guilty or taint every moment you spend with your gf. So you may 'have' to tell her as the burden of keeping quiet might be too much. However, if you can be at peace with keeping your mouth shut and you know the consequences of opening it will mean the end of your relationship, then stitch it shut sister and say nothing. That's what I would do I think. However, I might find that I'm unable to keep quiet, especially if honesty is hugely valued in the relationship.

    You know those 4 or 5 times per year? Do you think that's how often your gf feels like sex or that ideally, she would have no sex and those 4 or 5 times are her gift to you? Masturbation any use as a filler option to get you through the ebbs? Also, Maca powder. Does total wonders for the sex drive. Of a morning. In ones smoothie or such like. Find out if she would be into something like that to give her a boost. And you. Don't have any. Or you'll explode.

    I don't mean to sound so flippant sorry. You are in a bit of a tough sitz and I can proper sympathize. From what you say, if you put the good and bad in your relationship on a scale, the good far outweighs the bad. In your shoes, I'd have a go at reframing how I feel about sex, the importance of an increased volume of it vs. the importance of everything else your gf provides. That doesn't mean that reframing is what you should do or what is best to do, but if you could do it happily, it would provide a solution, and solutions are always good.
     
    #7
  8. Maison Clicquot

    Maison Clicquot Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2013
    Messages:
    335
    Likes Received:
    0
    The greatest deal breaker of all, is being with someone incompatible at this point. Secondly, the partner tries to keep you in a closed relationship; because of that, the chances are really high for cheating to occur. You are not a scum at all for being a human, she should expect it, if she really cares about your feelings and she is aware of what she is not able to offer you.
     
    #8
  9. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2013
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    2
    I have never seen such a batch of mixed comments here. I agree with a little bit of everyone's post. First and foremost, cheating, for whatever reason is not acceptable. If your partner of 12 years is not satisfying your sexual needs that is not permission for you to have sexual relations outside of your relationship. To say that because your partner does not give you what you need is not ample of an excuse for anyone to cheat because cheating is a betrayal of trust. She trusts that even through the issues that you two may have that you are being faithful to her. She trusts that even if you guys are in a rough patch, you would not to lie to her. Now you guys have talked in excess about how this all makes you feel, talking about it is clearly not enough. On one hand you are not having your sexual desires met, on the other hand she should not feel pressured or feel bad that she does not have the same sex drive that you do. Talk about solutions that work for the both of you. There will be some sort of compromise. Moses pointed out several different things to help you out on your end. Find out what things turn her on, there are always things that if executed properly will just drive a person crazy and help put her in the mood for sex. Masturbation is always an option, mutual masturbation might be a plus. Obviously discussing an open relationship is an option, though I am not sure whether you or your partner would be open to that. But all of these conversations can only happen after you come clean with her. She deserves to know the truth, let her decide if its possible for you two to remain together, and then talk about different solutions to try out.
     
    #9
  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I think there are diverse opinions because sometimes there are a lot of details left out. There are so many nuances like, say, if the op had tried to self pleasure or do it in the presence of partner, etc. I can't speak for others but I myself wasn't trying to excuse the OP for cheating. I believe the OP was just stating the reasons leading up to it and was not cheekily saying it was justified or a good thing. Reasons are not excuses. I have a rainbow (heh) of feelings over cheating but I find it devastating for the cheater as well as the cheated. It is an indignity for whatever the reason. There are better ways to handle what you need but sometimes, people don't always handle things perfectly. I believe the OP did try to handle things better and while trying, a temptation came up.

    Frankly, and I really hate myself for judging here, but I don't understand low sex drive partners not stepping up and doing all the work, you know what I mean? If you don't feel sexual and don't want to be penetrated, then fine, but how about trying to pleasure your partner? Pretend it is a massage that your partner needs like every other night? I don't know, however; if that is the answer completely. That or self pleasuring being the answer. I mean, I think the OP fell for M because she enjoys being looked at with desire. That is the most tempting thing for me personally. Again, no excuse here, but I think I would have plenty of reasons not having my head on straight if I got someone looking at me that way but no one at home does. But hey, if maca root would help kick that up, try it. Someone at home who doesn't desire me is just a flatmate and bestie.
     
    #10
  11. RVT

    RVT Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    314
    Likes Received:
    0
    These kinds of threads make me so sad.

    Being cheated on by a long term gf is one of the most hurtful, destructive things that can happen to a heart. I'm going to be straight up and real with you here because if you do decide to fess up to your gf, you're going to be faced with some difficult questions to answer.

    Whilst I can completely understand your reasons for what happened, I can't say I sympathise with you and what you have done. It's not like this was a "crime of passion" (ironically enough); it wasn't some drunken romp. It was a full blown sexual affair. There is no excusing that, no justifying it, no matter how unhappy you were in your relationship, sexually. You had an understanding with your gf that you were exclusive with each other and you betrayed that.

    Your gf is going to want to know how you could let this go on so long, and still be able to look at her and tell her that you love and desire her. Her self confidence is likely going to take a major blow because of this.

    She's going to want to know how you expect her to trust you now.

    She's going to want to know how she can trust you won't do this again. (Can you even promise her that if things don't change?)

    Don't be surprised if she wants to know intimate details. Times. Places. She might even obsess over it and not want to let it go.

    In the unlikely event she is willing to stay with you, she's going to want to know what you want and need sexually. And if she declines, you're going to have to make the decision as to whether the lack of sex is a deal breaker for you or not.

    If she's willing to have an open relationship with you, then that's fine and all but...having been in her position, I wouldn't think you deserved that concession, to be honest, no matter how much you meant to me.

    You really need to prepare yourself for the worst, considering she says it is a deal-breaker. I admire that you actually want to come clean, at least. I don't think carrying around a secret like that is very healthy.
     
    #11
  12. right in two

    right in two Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2013
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm going to address all of your comments in this one post. I hope that's okay. Btw thank you for providing your insight and opinions.

    On the issue of betrayal of trust and confession… it kills me each time she looks at me with her lovely face and tells me how much she loves me or smiles at me for no reason because I don't deserve it. A part of me wants to tell her to assuage my guilt but a bigger part of me feels and knows she deserves better, 12 years together dictates that. I have never deliberately and willfully lied to her about anything and if I ever want us to be who I think we could be (sexual intimacy included) then I can't continue to lie to her.

    On our divergent sex drives…I do masturbate and it has been my main source of sexual satisfaction for the last 6 years or so but what I primarily like about sex isn't about me. The fact that I can't touch her or caress her romantically is so frustrating. If I try, she eventually squirms away or asks me to stop. If I want to make out, she'll oblige me but as soon as it gets too heated or my hands roam she cuts it off. After we got back together we went at it like rabbits and I thought maybe things had taken a turn but was woefully disappointed when after a few months things went right back to the way they were before we broke up. Please don't think I'm molesting her 24/7 because that's not the case at all. I do get a little more in the mood closer to my cycle, like most women I know, but I try really hard to be patient and wait her out. The problem is if I don't suggest it or bring it up, it almost never is. The last few years we have sex primarily when she initiates it. This year we've only had sex twice and both times it was her idea; on New Year's Eve (it was really good) and on her birthday (that was in February; she was drunk and it was so not good). Towards the end of last year, I began to give up and tried my hardest not to ask, suggest or even bring up the subject in anyway. I've backslid but for the most part I've been trying to swallow my pride and channel my desire into everything else. Since February, not once has she tried or suggested we have sex.

    Self-esteem…I like to think I’m an attractive woman, I'm in good shape and I eat healthy but the last few years my confidence has taken a huge hit. My girlfriend, a woman who says she loves me and is in love with me and who I desire more than anything doesn't desire me and that hurts. I find myself second guessing my ability to do anything right in our relationship. She says she’s happy and I believe her to an extent but there’s a part of me that wonders if she’s wearing a mask just like I have been since I cheated. When we do have sex and she initiates, she’s always really into it and giddy afterward as if it was the best thing she’s ever done so I wonder why she doesn't want that feeling more often and why it only happens on her terms. In recent attempts – by recent I mean mostly last year – when she’s given in to my initiation (that sounds horrible but that’s what it feels like), I could feel she wasn't into it, which took me out of the mood and I would end it before anything really began. I've asked if I’m approaching it the wrong way or if there is anything I’m doing or not doing and she says it’s not me but I can’t help but think it is me.

    On the issue of spicing things up…when I say that I've exhausted any and all things that I could think up or find that might be beneficial, I do mean any and all thing. In the last 8 years or so, I've gotten her to try several supplements (not the one Moses mentioned), romantic getaways, erotic massage (I took classes), body exploration, role play, relaxation techniques and meditation. I've also suggested some things that didn't even make it out of my mouth before it was shot down like fetishism (voyeurism, exhibitionism, binding, BDSM etc.), having a threesome and a sexual surrogate. The threesome and sexual surrogacy wasn't something that I wanted but was willing to try if she was into it, everything else I would have tried at least once. After we went through all of that with no change, I asked her to see a doctor (to determine if she had some physical hurdles) then we eventually ended up in therapy.

    On therapy…we were in couples and individual therapy for 14 months (individual every other month and couples twice a month). She didn't think we needed it but I did so I’m sure she went for my sake. We no longer go to therapy and haven't been since November of last year. She wanted to stop because she didn't see the benefit and thought it was a waste of money. The sex therapy lasted an even shorter period of time. I continued with the individual therapy after we stopped couples therapy and went every other week but I eventually stopped; I'm not entirely sure why though.

    I know I said before that I think we could have a relationship that satisfies the both of us, but as many of you have pointed out and what I didn't want to believe is maybe we weren't meant for the long haul. I've known her since I was 14 and she's my first and only love…that’s hard to let go of. How do you end a relationship when you're still in love with the person? Maybe that’s another dimension to the reason for me cheating, I was taking the coward's way out because I didn't have the guts or the heart to leave and I knew if I cheated she’d do it for me.

    I'm going to tell her about everything tomorrow night. I wanted to tonight but I'm still building the courage. Tomorrow, I've decided, is the drop dead date.

    One more thing...if she leaves me, I will understand. If she never trusts me again, I will understand. If she hates me, I will understand. I expect and understand the consequences for my actions and I have steadied myself for those things. What I'm having the hardest time preparing myself for is seeing the hurt on her face and knowing that I caused it. I'm crying now just thinking about it.
     
    #12
  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Nothing to add, just letting you know you and J will be in my thoughts.
     
    #13
  14. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2013
    Messages:
    938
    Likes Received:
    188
    Me too. I really feel for the both of you. You poor things.
     
    #14
  15. goldensaver

    goldensaver Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2013
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    I could have written this same post. Except add 10 years to our ages and time together, two houses, and four dogs. We can't talk about sex because every time I even bring it up she makes me feel like a pervert. I know where you are and how you feel. As I read your post I could relate to everything you were saying. I can't pretend to tell you the right thing to do. Right now I am totally happy with every aspect of my relationship except for the sex too.
    Because I couldn't talk to her for so long there was a period of time a few years ago that we didn't get along and I was so frustrated I could hardly stand to be in the same house with her. We slept in separate rooms, I worked constantly and poured myself into anything and everything I could to exhaust myself and keep my focus off of our problems. My gf and I hadn't had sex in 8 years, so as far as I was concerned we were just bff's. Then someone noticed me and made me feel good about myself. I did sleep with her. I was ready to figure out how to leave my gf, not for this other girl but because I was so unhappy, but we decided to work it out and things were great for about 8 months, now we're right back to where we were as far as the sex part. I'm only asking for it a couple times a month. I don't need it every day. I just want her to find me sexy and want me, not me have to feel like I'm just her bff. Anyway, I would love to hear if you told her and what happened.
     
    #15
  16. lilly2

    lilly2 Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2013
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    There were varied answers, because everyone has a different perspective on how they deal with matters of the heart (or body). I think whenever adultery, temptation, happens to someone it is an issue with the individual, not the couple (or the other person). It should indicate a red flag, YOU are feeling, neglected, bored, unfulfilled,etc. The other person in the relationship will simply become the victim of your feelings (or actions). You have to decide what you need as an individual, and if that other person matches Your requirements, since we are constantly changing and evolving creatures its important to check in often with yourself. I understand we can feel a magnitude of different things for one person, we can feel attachment, comfort, jealous, aroused,caring, that is what makes it hard to understand how YOU feel about the other person, we usually use the blanket term 'love' to entail all forms of 'positive affect' emotions. Feelings, just like everything else, evolve, grow, reduce, ebb and flow. This is why the most fundamental question to ask yourself is: Do you want to continue your life journey with this person? Are you happier with them in your life then without them? If the answer to those are yes, then you adjust what you need to to make it work. That could mean opening lines of communication more, spending more time together, finding ways to sexually gratify yourself (or each other). When it comes to the other person it is most important to remember: you cannot control their feelings (or actions), so if they are not receptive to your needs (lets say increasing sex) then you are becoming victim to their control or restraint on the relationship. Anytime someone becomes the victim of the others feelings, there is a discrepancy, an room for resentment, and all other types of 'negative affect'. On a broad social/anthropological level, i think we as humans, are not really meant to be monogamous with one person for life. I mean, look at the divorce rate, specifically, a large portion resulting from adultery, that's excluding the adultery in non-married couples. Lower divorce rates in the past does not indicate less cheating, it was just tolerated, or harder to track, because of a different social zeitgeist. We are selfish creatures, of course we want the comfort, financial ease, company gained in a relationship, but we want the zest, adventure, novelty of coveting carnal pleasures with others. The options are either, enjoy open relationships, but deal with the lack of commitment or connection that will be reciprocated from the other (s), stay monogamous, but find someone more compatible (specifically sexually), or continue with your current situation, and embrace the shortcomings, or the possibility of your continued unhappiness or unfaithfulness (you have to embrace being a scum in secret). None of those options seem ideal, which is why many people seem to be going through the same struggle. The one thing i would suggest, is not telling her, specially if its a one time thing, and you learned from it, that you are indeed happier with her, its will only cause pain, and destroy the trust, it will never be the same. I think if you do tell her, its not from your guilt, but from your own fear, to not be able to walk away, so you want her to end things with you. I empathize with your situation..goodluck.
     
    #16
  17. right in two

    right in two Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2013
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    I did as I said I would and told her everything about the affair: who, when, how long and etc. I told her over and over that I still love her and that I'm still in love with her and want to work things out. She broke down and even though I probably had no right, I broke down too. She didn't say anything for a long time and when she did speak, she didn't pull any punches. Any questions she had (there were very few) I answered truthfully and fully. Any comments she had on my character I accepted. When she was done, she packed a bag and left even though I begged her not to. I didn't see her again until Friday when she showed up with a moving van; she's already found an apartment. She wouldn't look at me or talk to me if I attempted to make conversation. Since she left, she only communicates with me via email and she wants to sell the house or for me to buy her out, bills changed to my name, etc. When I reply to her emails, I try to slip something in there (she won't answer unsolicited emails) and she either ignores that part of the email or says there's nothing to talk about/she doesn't want to hear it.

    I know I caused this but I didn't expect her to be so…it's like there's nothing. No conversation. No resolution. No closure. She said her peace and that was it. There was no further discussion about it (she didn't want to hear it) and no conversation about us or anything along those lines afterward. We were and then we abruptly weren't, at least that's how it feels.

    The day I told her, she said something that has stuck with me and now thinking about it, it makes me angry. She said I didn't even try things her way and she should have known this would happen because I was too selfish to let things be as they were; we were happy when I wasn't stirring things up. The thing is she was happy with the way things were but I wasn't. For most of the 12 years we've been together I tried it her way, going months and months without any physical intimacy besides a peck on the lips or cheek. This year alone we'd gone 10+ months without even going to first base and this isn't the first time. Any time she's wanted me to try something new and I didn't want to she would tell me that life is about keeping an open mind and open heart because you never know what you might grow to love. And she was right, there were a lot of things I swore I wouldn't like/love but now I do. I feel like I was never extended that same courtesy. She's never done anything in all the time we've been together to try and make that part of our relationship better. I bought the books that she never read. I got us into therapy but she griped the entire ride there and rarely participated. When I would bargain with her to try something, she would put forth little or no effort. Yet on the extremely rare occasion she wants to have sex I'm expected to be ready, available and as excited as she is regardless and of course I am because I'm sex starved but how is that fair? I probably have no right to be angry about this but I am. I also know I might be making a mountain out of an ant hill because she could have said it in anger but it still eats at me. I know the demise of our relationship lies solely at my feet but I don't think the entirety of its decay does.

    I know she needs time and distance from me but I want to have a real conversation; at the rate we're going, I don't know if she'll give me one. How do I get her to have an open conversation about this or has that moment passed? Maybe I need to give her more time?
     
    #17
  18. right in two

    right in two Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2013
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Goldensaver,

    J may never give me the chance but in case she does, how did you navigate the conversations about the infidelity? What did you say to your gf to get her to understand at least to some extent your POV? In my relationship I feel like that's what's missing. I do see it from her POV and more often than not I've managed to not ask for it but where is the reciprocity? When does my POV and my needs come into and stay in play. Is that where you are right now? Trying to get her to understand your needs while also taking hers into account?

    Like you, I only sought sex once or twice a month but asking for it was so utterly painful. I would spend hours and sometimes days trying to find the right words or come up with the right romantic situation just to get her to agree to it and not only that, be happy to try but that never worked.

    I could see how you would see yourself as her best friend given the lack of intimacy and sometimes I feel that way too except I'm still very attracted to her sexually; I still want her but she doesn't want me at least not with any frequency.
    I'm only 28 and can't imagine living the rest of my life in a sexless relationship but I also can't imagine living my life without her. I assume you feel the same way so how do you reconcile that?
     
    #18
  19. right in two

    right in two Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2013
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    I forgot to add this...thank you all for your advice. Even if it was varied as all get out, I am thankful. I might be here more often over the next few weeks looking for some shoulders as our family and friends begin to find out what happened. I don't need anything to be sugar coated because I'm a grown woman and can handle it so give me your unbiased opinions and I'll listen.
     
    #19
  20. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2013
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    1
    For some odd reason, it sounds as if your girlfriend had been waiting for this to happen, to have an excuse to end things. That could all be in my head though. It's just really unusual that she's not interested in talking things out and was able to just up and leave immediately. I think you should wait and get a feel of where things are headed. Despite it all, this might just be for the best. There's no point of getting back together just to be faced with the same never-ending problem.
     
    #20

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice