I cheated and I suck

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by CosI'mAFreak, Nov 24, 2015.

  1. CosI'mAFreak

    CosI'mAFreak Member

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    I ended a 5 year relationship and got with an old flame within a couple of weeks. It was to take my mind off of everything and started as no strings. A lot of really bad things happened in my family and this girl totally stepped up and was there for me. I felt like I owed her so much for being there.

    Two years later and we live together. I love her very much but I am not in love with her. She knows this. I have tried to break it off with her several times it's almost a running joke that she makes. I have now been in back to back long term relationships and it sounds awful but I know she is desperate to keep me. I hit an all time low, when she was away one weekend I got really drunk (not an excuse) and went home with a random girl. I told her what happened and that I was sorry and in no way meant to hurt or disrespect her - I disrespected myself.

    The thing is I associate her as being there throughout the worst time in my life and I am so grateful but when I feel everything coming down on top of me I want to escape it all...including her. She is incredible and I love her like a best friend and I selfishly don't want to lose that but I can't picture a future with her and I feel guilty because she should be with someone who worships her.

    If I break up with her it's not like I would want to meet anyone else so I feel it's pointless to hurt her when we could continue to plod a long as is, just without that spark.
    I'm aware I sound like an asshole but I need advice and maybe strength or a completely different opinion.
     
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  2. Queen

    Queen Member

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    You don't suck, but you are definitely doing all involved no favors by staying in this relationship. Sounds like you could do with some alone time, living by yourself to getting to know yourself a bit better. Being in back to back relationships hasn't given you the time you need to get centered.

    Hope you find some peace soon.
     
    #2
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Maybe you cheated to give her an excuse to dump you, since you really don't want to be in the relationship anyway. Maybe this was your "acting out" so-to-speak because nothing else seemed to be working for you in terms of trying to end a relationship you're not really into in the way you should be. The thing is ...I don't think you want to plod along. You say it's pointless to hurt her, but aren't you really hurting her in a different way because you don't love her the way she deserves to be loved in a committed relationship? Isn't it selfish to keep leading her on if you don't see a future with her? In her mind, you are with her. By what you've written, you're not. You're hurting her more by not giving her what she deserves in a committed honest relationship.

    You need to stand on your own two feet, independent of a relationship. You need to rip the proverbial "band aid" off and break up with this girl because that is why you cheated -- you're too chicken to end it and you went and made an excuse, which apparently didn't work anyway (big red flag -- she takes you back after cheating and she won't let you end the relationship after many times of trying...? Um, codependent much?). Maybe you need to look at your situation and figure out why you can't be alone -- you jumped from one relationship to another. Your present relationship was not only a rebound -- but when you're looking to other people to be the source of your happiness or to support you...Guess what? You are bound settle for less that what you want or need. You can't rely on other people to solve your problems...learn to do that on your own, so that when people are there for you, you truly appreciate what they offer. A relationship as a thanks for the support because you felt like you owed her is not the right reason to jump into a relationship.

    Do both of you a favor and end it.
     
    #3
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  4. CosI'mAFreak

    CosI'mAFreak Member

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    Thank you for your reply. Queen thank you for being gentle, I appreciate what you have said. I agree that if we were to break up I would definitely have to be on my own and that doesn't scare me it's just losing her from my life that does. She's a lovely, beautiful girl she's just not the one for me.
     
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  5. CosI'mAFreak

    CosI'mAFreak Member

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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    That's the thing....you cheated. Own it. Now, move past it. No matter what you do, you can't change what happened, but at the same time you don't have to spend forever punishing yourself, either. Even good people do bad things.

    You need to recognize that you'll never be able to love someone if you can't first love yourself...and right now you're so down on yourself that you need some time on your own. Learn that being single for the right reasons is so much better than being in a relationship for the wrong ones.
     
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  7. CosI'mAFreak

    CosI'mAFreak Member

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    Another excellent point, I would just have to be careful not to sound like 'it's not you its me' which is probably true on some level. I just wish she would do it because if I break up with her and she refuses to accept it again so I have to physically pack her stuff for her and move her out? It should never have come to any of this
     
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  8. Queen

    Queen Member

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    You need to be the strong one now, if she refuses to accept it since you've (in her eyes) cried wolf before, have a plan in place. Your home, so she has to move? Have some solid options available for her, then start packing her things, and have a firm deadline. Her self esteem is in the toilet if she is willing to settle for less than a full involved relationship, so chances are she'll try to stay, no matter what. If you let her stay, again, you might as well just settle in for the long haul.
     
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  9. CosI'mAFreak

    CosI'mAFreak Member

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    Should I wait until after Christmas now? I really don't want to hurt her.
     
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  10. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Waiting for Christmas will only prolong the pain.Own the pain,feel the pain,act on it and move on.Be fair to the two of you and create a clear path for the coming year to work on yourself.....there is never an easy way and time to break up!
     
    #10
  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for the delay, this is a hard post for me to respond to and I had to think through my answer.

    I try not to just throw the therapy card, but I am going to throw the therapy card. Not because I am blowing you off, but because I think that you need more support than you can get from an online forum. And I think your situation isn't as simple as 'woman up and dump her already.' I think you need a therapists help to 'woman up.' Here is why @CosI'mAFreak .

    Sometimes things are black and white - there is violence in a relationship = it is abusive. But there are many shades of gray, too. Relationships can be unhealthy, or manipulative, or coercive, or exploitative, or abusive. Sometimes it is very clear and obvious - a partner who uses physical violence to control and exploit their partner. But other times it isn't so clear - a partner who uses emotional blackmail to control or exploit their partner. Particularly when a relationship is sexual, emotional manipulations and control can be pretty exploitative.

    My Mom was super abusive. She used every trick in the book, including violence, to control and use the people around her. But a lot of times she relied more on emotional manipulations. She would play up how fragile and dependent she was. And she was a master at putting guilt onto people for all the things she did (I work so hard so you kids can have x,y,z...) If you take a step back and write it out logically, it doesn't make any sense. "I am my mother and you have to put up with my violent outbursts, because I am fragile and cook you dinner." But when you are immersed in the situation and you absorb messages over and over "look at all the things I have done for you," subconsciously, they impact how you behave. You feel responsible for "caring for" that person (enduring the abuse.) And you feel guilty for how you have "burdened" them.

    You are clearly being manipulated and coerced in this relationship. I don't know if you are being exploited, but since you are acting out sexually, I am guessing that there is an element of feeling used and exploited.

    There are lots of ways to say "no." And cheating with another woman is a big way of saying "no, I don't want to be in a sexual relationship with you anymore."

    You need to listen to that no. She needs to listen to that no. And you should not be sexually exploited and manipulated, it is damaging to you. It is not how people who love you behave, it is not how "beautiful people" behave. I highly recommend therapy, so you can sort this out. So you can see the ways that she is manipulating you. So you can see how you are bringing beliefs from your childhood to this relationship, keeping yourself trapped. So you can develop the skills to get out of this relationship and to not get into another one just like it.

    There are things in your opost that are huge red flags. "She was there for me when bad stuff went down with my family, I feel like I owe her." "I have tried to break it off with her, but she won't let me." "She is desperate to keep me."

    "Me trying to break it off with her has become a running joke." Look, nothing about that is ok. You are saying "NO" to a sexual relationship and she is bulldozing right over your "no." Not only is she not listening, but she is finding a way to invalidate it and minimize it. Saying "NO" to sex and sexual relationships should never be ignored and certainly should never be turned into a joke. People tend to think of things like rape and sexual abuse in terms of strangers - like the crazy person attacking you from the bushes. But a lot of times it is someone the victim knows, someone who spends a long time "grooming" them into a sexual relationship that isn't healthy and that the victim doesn't want.

    I am not saying that she is exactly raping you. But I am saying that she is ignoring your sexual boundaries (I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.) When people ignore our sexual boundaries, we wind up feeling all kinds of bad things. It can do a lot of psychological damage to a person. And yes, it can lead to sexual acting out - like cheating.

    You need to get out of this relationship with her. There is a lot going on - her manipulations, your sense of guilt and obligation. I think it is more than people on an online forum can help you sort out. And it probably is more than just 'pack up her crap, dump it on the lawn and change the locks' can solve. But it is damaging to you. I really feel for you in this situation and hope that you get the support you need to get out of it and to never wind up in a relationship like this again.
     
    #11
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  12. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Wow..........I tend to tread lightly on people's relationships especially when the whole story(GF's point of view) is unknown.There have been heavy words here,that have been used to describe a woman none of us are familiar with,including a relationship viewed from only one side.It is very clear that @CosI'amAFreak would benefit from personal counselling.She needs to own her situation,learn and grow from it so that next time,she can give someone a healthy and meaningful relationship!Quit stringing this girl along,move onto personal therapy,before looking for a girl whom you want to worship.Your girlfriend,you are right,deserves someone who will worship them...............Do the decent thing and let her go!
     
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  13. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You are entitled to your opinion, I am entitled to mine. Nowhere did I put all the blame on the gf, pointing out that the op brings her own sense of guilt and obligation to the relationship. Yes, hopefully the op is able to get some counseling to sort all of this out it sounds like a lot more than can be dealt with by a few chats on an online forum.
     
    #13
  14. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    This is some of what you [email protected]"You are clearly being manipulated and coerced in this relationship. I don't know if you are being exploited, but since you are acting out sexually, I am guessing that there is an element of feeling used and exploited. .......................You need to get out of this relationship with her. There is a lot going on - her manipulations, your sense of guilt and obligation......................... And it probably is more than just 'pack up her crap, dump it on the lawn and change the locks' can solve. But it is damaging to you. I really feel for you in this situation and hope that you get the support you need to get out of it and to never wind up in a relationship like this again..........................." @Bluenote,I have specifically picked out your sentences so that you can understand why I felt uncomfortable by your reply to @CosI'amAFreak.I know we are all entitled to our own opinion.If you are comfortable posting such,well then so be it.......................Good luck CosI'amAFreak.I hope you find the one for you......
     
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  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps you should hijack this thread arguing about lesbian bed death?

    Us bickering among ourselves does nothing to help the op. It just hijacks the thread and makes it about us and our egos (no, you are wrong and my way of posting is the only way to post!!)

    We have different opinions, which is fine. The op can read among them and see which one(s) ring true to her. The op can talk to a counsellor and to friends about the issues that all of us have raised (owning the cheating, codependece, manipulation and obligation, just pull off the bandage, etc...) I sincerely hope that the op does get professional help. Readers out there who might be in similar situations can do the same.

    I am well aware of what I wrote. And, quite frankly, I don't care what you think about it. If you don't like my opinions, I have no problem with that. But just put me on ignore, rather than hijacking thread(s) to argue with me about my posting style.
     
    #15
  16. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Have a Merry Christmas OP.I hope things work out for you in the end.
     
    #16

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