I challenge you to solve my problem....

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by LadyP100, May 23, 2014.

  1. LadyP100

    LadyP100 Member

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    Hi guys, if you are able to help me in any way with my problem, I will be amazed... I've been stuck in the same situation for over 2 years. Here goes.... Be prepared!!!

    So a bit about my history... So called straight girl, at the age of 18 started university (college... I am British!) and I was let off the leash! I was pulling boys, having fun, didn't really feel any spark with anyone though. Had really enjoyable sex with one guy though... But no emotional connection. ANYWAY started my placement (nursing student) met this girl who was openly gay. Didn't think much of her when I first met her, but after I finished on that placement we started hanging out with a mutual friend... Anyway cut a long story short, love blossomed and we started a relationship. For the 5 years I was with her, I didn't tell my parents or my closest friends about her. She struggled with that, I struggled with "it" and our relationship was under strain, she cheated, but we kept going back to each other because we were madly in love until one day she ditched me for someone else. Took me 2 years to get over..... Until I met the girl at the centre of this story.

    She is polish, different culture but you wouldn't know... We are so alike in our personalities. She moved to England with her boyfriend 7 years ago. I met her 4 years ago on the ward I was working on. Didn't think much of her At the beginning but as time went on we realised we got on really well and started hanging out. This was whilst I was trying to get over my ex. I never opened up to her about my history, as she had views on gay relationships at the time- lived a very sheltered life until now.

    We became really good friends. Drank together, walked her dogs, she filled a big hole in my life left by my ex, and we became really close friends. A mutual friend of ours told her about my ex "girlfriend" and one drunken night she confronted me about it so I told her everything. She was lovely and understanding and upset I hadn't told her before. She was intrigued about my past relationship, I was open with her about everything.

    I've the next 2 years (up until 2012) we became best friends. I started to have feelings for her. They weren't intense but they were there. One night I had the girls over at mine for drinks. My other friend had gone to bed and we sat on the floor talking and she was telling me what a good friend to her I was etc, and we were hugging and kissing until one kiss carried on and before we knew it, we were naked and having sex. I thought this was the start of something. She was really into it as was I, even though we were both drunk. The next day naturally I was on top of the world. She was hungover! Next time I saw her we spoke about it and she admitted she might feel awkward but she didn't. We had a few drinks a couple of days later and she said she enjoyed it a lot but it wouldn't ("probably") not happen again.

    That was January. In august it was my birthday, and after those months of being on a high still from that night, we went out and I started kissing my female friend (dunno why!) then after a while we were al kissing and it was just a bit of a laugh (juvenile as it was my 25th birthday). Then me and her of course started kissing. And that whole night it was about me and her even though her fiancé was out and my boyfriend at the time! (Only a short term thing). Our boyfriends went home, and it was just us, in the corner of a club making out for what seemed all night. She came back to mine and we had sex again, but she was eager to get back to her fiancé. We only spoke about these incidences when drunk and she would often say "it just feels normal doing this!".

    I was falling deeper for her. We would talk in depth about our feelings, spend most days in the week with each other, we Hang out a lot. I got on really well with her partner. But I wanted more, and she was giving me the company I needed. We would flirt with each other, and even our other friends said we were like an old married couple!
    In September we went out drinking, it had got to the stage where I couldn't handle my feelings anymore- so In a drunken state I told her exactly how I felt. She was kind and caring towards me. I said I'd understand if she wanted to run away from me but she didn't. She hugged me and held me while I was at my most vulnerable. She came back to my house and we sat on the sofa hugging. I apologised etc and asked her please don't run away from me. She said she would never and then she kissed me. We had beautiful sex again and the next day she went home to her fiancé. That was the last time anything physical happened between us. She is trying to protect me.

    So now nearly 2 years on from that night, I still feel the same about her. I've had boyfriends here and there and while I am wth them I do feel distracted from her but when it comes down to it, I would always pick her if she asked me to do something, I feel excitement inside like a fire when I am with her. There were occasions where she would say I looked pretty and she wanted to kiss me. Last year I hit rock bottom and started drinking a lot, I was nasty to her and her fiancé when I was drunk. We argued a lot and fell out a few times. But she is very loyal and always forgave me. This has happened too often in the past year too. I'm surprised she still wants me in her life. She is very aware of how I feel about her. I try to lock my feelings away now as it is putting a strain on our friendship. She was always very respectful of my feelings but recently (last 6 months or so) she hasn't been, talking about her sex with her fiancé, taking about baby plans (they are starting a family In a couple of months), talking about how much she loves him, could never be without him. She told me sometimes it's hard for her to not talk to me about those things out of respect to my feelings, so I said she can but I have to deal with it. She was always so lovely and never ditched me.

    Now there is another twist in my tale. I had occasionally been having sex with her fiancé. It sounds terrible and like I'm a complete bitch! It happened and my best friend knows about it. She had always joked that her fiancé fancied me and we had even spoke on MANY occasions (within the past year or so) that we should all live together and be one family! (That didn't help!!) I kind of developed feelings for him too. It was the best sex I had ever had with a guy, and I often think about it (as I do about my experiences with her). But my feelings for her are so much more intense. Anyway the last time it happened she wasn't ok about it like the first time, she found out and it out massive strain on our relationship. I started to dislike him because he would so easily sleep with another girl (despite the fact it was a "me" thing apparently). I resented him. I resented her for being with him still but at the same time I had done the dirty on her too!!! But she knew how I felt about her so I think that made things easier for her. I hate what I did. I wish he did with someone else so I could convince her he was bad (even though I know he loves her dearly and would hate to hurt her.) we were just carried away in the drunken moment.

    So guys, if you've read all this then thank you and we'll done! I could go into so much more detail.

    What do I do now? I'm in love with her, I've tried everything to get over her, we talk everyday- I've tried to stop it. I've tried not seeing her (but it's hard when we are best friends). I really do not know what to do. With all the recent talk of babies and the nice weekend in they have planned- I really am at the end of my tether. It's been years I've felt like this for her- when (will?!) it stop?! I want to be the best friend I should be to her, be happy about her future plans but it makes me feel sick inside!

    HELP! :(
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Even though you all can experience jealousy, and "you all" meaning you, bff and fiance, I am guessing that you guys are not really monogamous people. It is not right or wrong in particular, it is just something you guys perhaps can negotiate. Love yourself, first, Lady, not in parts but in whole. I recommend that you look through some books on open relationships and see if that is something you would like and then talk to your best friend about it.

    She just might reject the idea of polyamory because it is way too up front. You know how some women would not have sex outside of marriage but at the same time would rather get swept off their feet and next thing you know they are pregnant? She and fiance might entertain the sorta cheating, turning a blind eye more than a real arrangement. I don't think her guy is going to stop hooking up with girls and I think she will do the same down the road as well. But if you all like each other, why not try to do it right?

    Lastly, if she doesn't want to be with you the way you want her, then there is nothing more to talk about.
     
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  3. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    I'd say, look at being in a polygamous relationship with them... or move on. You are wasting years of your life if nothing comes of this. Look up info about poly people.

    I mean, YOU have had SEX with both of them. And as you said it yourself, he was very good in bed. See if he'll be cool with such an arrangement. Your Polish girl likes having sex with you, but her #1 is her man. I'm poly, but I don't cheat or do anything behind the back of my wife. We don't have a relationship with someone else at this time. Even if so, or a little "play time" with others - We are attached to each other and consider our partnership as the MAIN one.

    If they won't go for it... stop wasting your time on them.
     
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  4. LadyP100

    LadyP100 Member

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    Thanks guys for your input. I need to try and get over this. I've known it for years but instead of it just being a sex thing, I am emotionally attached to her (not him) and it hurts when they are being romantic with each other. The polygamous thing was going to happen, she wanted me to move in with them etc and try it but I knew deep down that he would always come before me and it would never be an equal relationship. :roll:
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Lady:

    Sounds like you have made up your mind then and this is not really for you? However, just for yucks, try reading, "What Does Polyamory Look like." by Mim Chapman, PhD. Who knows, even if this is not for you, it might be something your friend want to look into. Cheating is easy and stressful and destructive. However, when there is a true understanding in a relationship (which takes work and honesty), whether it is between two people or amongst 3+, it is life-building and good and fun.

    Take care,
    Grey
     
    #5
  6. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    I missed a few bits of your post and adding input from your latest post.
    Lady Said " I kind of developed feelings for him too. It was the best sex I had ever had with a guy, and I often think about it // I've known it for years but instead of it just being a sex thing, I am emotionally attached to her (not him) and it hurts when they are being romantic with each other. " See the confusion?

    Besides what Greylin recommend... May I add something?

    For years, YOU are into this woman (person). Think about other people you have meet and compare your level of deep feelings/love. For example, if you had a serious monogamous relationship with a girlfriend that lasted at least 6 months. Did the feeling for her, equal or surpass the Polish girl? I think not, why: because for years you have a thing for a girl you "cannot have"... you had all this time to date and love someone else (men and women) and nothing compared.

    I am a bi-male. I meet my wife at a non-gay club (She was looking for girls) but we hit it off, feel in love, marriage, etc. Why? We both felt very strong feelings for each other. Years later, she still gives me goosebumps. We enjoy each other as people. I am more poly experienced than she is and had to show her that trust and honesty were important for any relationship. (Her previous one, she was not respected IMHO) Poly does NOT means having sex with everyone... okay. I can't see a future without my woman. But we are open to others to be part of our lives, doesn't mean its that EASY. Look how hard it is too meet just ONE person that you TOTALLY fall in love with. Casual sex is easy... you can "pick up" someone in seconds if you want. Love and respect is another level.

    This couple. They don't seem to want you as a sex toy or play thing (unless its BDSM - but that's different). They asked you to move in with them, its not like you JUST meet them last month. You have been in the Polish girl's life for a long while. You now each other. You both have strong attractions for each other.

    In my opinion, the reason she had sex with you a few times is because she was attracted to you as a person (Look up " Pansexual " ) and that IF it was just about sex, she would have done it with you a lot more and simply left in the morning. The most likely talked to her husband about how she felt about you (not at first) and the had to think about it. People do not just decide "I am going to be poly" suddenly. For many adults, it may takes months or years to figure that out, work out dynamics of what works for them.
    In other words, inviting YOU into their relationship *IS A BIG DEAL*.

    You did say the fiancé was a good lover and you had some feelings for him. That is okay, that you DO NOT love them both equally. Here is a bit how most proper poly people think "I love seeing my wife have a good time with someone else" (be that another man or woman). So you making the Polish girl "happy", makes him happy.

    Like the many kinds of "fluid" relationships out there, so there is with poly. Check out the USA TV show in which a guy is married to 5 women and he has 5 kids with each woman. We only watched one episode... blah, whatever. Other examples (I'm using Husband/wife to dictate the core subject) : Husband in mono, but lets his poly wife have a boyfriend. Some husband MAY be friends with her BF, others will have "nothing" to do with 3rd party. Another poly couple may have relationships with others that never interact. ie: Husband has BF, Wife has BF and these boyfriends never interact with them as a couple. Maybe the husband must okay guy before dating his wife. Another, a wife shares her GFs & BFs with her husband, but otherwise they are hers. Remember, a mother can and does love all of her kids, be it 2 or 5. So yeah, adults can and DO love more than one person.

    Is this is challenging? Yes. Jealousy is the enemy that has to be worked out. My wife had jealousy issues at first while we were dating. *NOBODY* can steal me from her, but wife's actions/jealousy can break us up. I wouldn't want another girl in our relationship if it destabilized us. A year ago, a cute young sexy woman wanted to be with us, she was thought my wife was very sexy... She properly interviewed me 1 on 1, very promising... but I saw flaws in her after a while. She had personality had incompatibilities with both of us. She was aware that she has some maturity to do and with work, I thought we could HELP her too... but she quickly pissed off my wife because of those flaws. She was drama and was a turn off to both of us. I wouldn't date that girl (1 on 1) ever in real life after her knowing her for a few hours.

    I do not require to be involved with my wife and another girl. By all means, she and another girl can have a "girls night", I support her having fun - even if I am not there.

    If you were a Lesbian and thought bad things about her fiancé, I would have recommend you stay away. Don't waste your time, etc. But you really dig the Polish girl, and she seems to feelings for you. Sounds like mutual love. And being in a poly relationship with her would mean you would spend even MORE time with her. And guess what, her fiancé would also look out for you... when you are sick or down, they would support you. And think of the money saved with rent! :)

    To do list, advance to next step if applicable:
    - Compare your feelings for Polish girl to others.
    - Talk to Polish girl about feelings. Your fears.
    - Then all 3 of you go out on dinner and later talk together in private about feelings, concerns, expectations.
    - Sex with both of them at the same time? Discuss, maybe in the future - not at first. (I love threesomes. Having 4 hands touching and massaging you is sensory overload) Making LOVE is far better than just sex.

    - DO NOT move in! Spend time with them, spend a few days as a time living over there. Dating someone and living with someone = different. Is there a spare bedroom? This gives you space to be your own person and when family and company comes over; you are a "room-mate". Would it make you feel less of a person? Keep in mind, most bedrooms are not designed for 3-4 people. Doesn't mean she can spend the night in "your room".

    - After dating THEM for a while (Going out clubbing, movies, shopping), do you feel respected by THEM? Are you having fun? Have you worked out the jealousy factor. You already had good sex with both, nobody is cheating.

    You need to either move on, not be friends with Polish girl... and DATE other girls. Forget about this couple as best you can. I mean it, if you keep seeing her (as a friend), then it will eat-at-you. Make you depressed, drink, etc.

    Or move forward, and see where this path leads you. I consider each experience in life - the good and the bad as steps to expand and learn. Broken hearts and dating is HOW you find what really works for you. There are poly support groups out there. Jealousy does happen, but breakups are usually personality and power play issues. You won't have a "what if's", you will know if it worked out or not.

    Not even a married couple are EQUALLY in love with each other.
     
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  7. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Something I thought about in situations like this... that should be discussed. Since at least 2 people (M & F) will be married to each other. WHAT happens if the wife gets pregnant? Does that mean YOU move out? Or the home is big enough? What happens if the woman who is NOT married gets pregnant? Awkward conversation between the married couple and their in-laws.
     
    #7

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