I can't...

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by LoveSparkSeeker, Aug 20, 2013.

  1. LoveSparkSeeker

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    can't let go..

    I have been with my GF for 6 years now. I must say that I was really happy and blessed to have met her (not sure if i am now). Maybe the problem is because she is not out and she is afraid that her friends will know about us. I am not also out with my parents, but my close friends knows about how much i love and cared for her. she is the first woman I've been with. I've been with men before I met her plus this is the longest relationship i've had.

    the problem is, she cheated on me before. when i found out about it i asked her if she still wants us to be together, and she said yes--yada--yada--yada--.. so we gave it another shot until late last year i found out that she was still seeing that person and that there was raelly something. it broke my heart :( and I feel so betrayed and angry. I confronted her about it and guess what? she didn't even explained to me what really happened and why she made me believe that there was nothing between them and even asked me that its better if we just end it. I agreed and even said my sorry's and thank you's ( i was thinking that somehow maybe the reason she cheated was because of me).

    its been 4 months now that we are no longer together and I am trying to date other guys (no women this time) but I just cant help myself not to think of her. it's killing me. we still talk on the phone sharing how our days went and so on.. hearing her voice just makes me want to hug her and kiss her..

    I need help getting over her.. should i get back on dating women? :D
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Steps to getting over an ex:

    1) Stop talking on the phone every day. In fact: stop talking to her for a period (I'd say three or so months). No texts, no calls, block her facebook, don't hang out in her neighborhood. It doesn't mean you can't be friendly in the long term - but when you are healing, you need to avoid sources of hurt. ("Oh, you broke your leg? Better run marathons to help that bone heal!" What?)

    You cannot get over someone if you are basically still dating; checking in every day, and reopening the wound every day, keeps you emotionally involved with her. Every time you hear her voice, you are renewing your heartbreak and resetting your getting-over-it clock.

    2) Accept that it is going to take a while. You were together for six years, and it's going to take more than a few months to rebuild your emotional and social habits of self-sufficiency. As long as you are actively rebuilding those habits again, you're moving in the right direction.

    Get busy. I am not a big advocate of dating to rebound, but I AM in favor of being active: take up a hobby, ask your friends for regular "dates" to help you be social, reorganize your apartment, whatever. It will help you remember how strong and awesome you are, and keep you busy while you are not calling your ex (seriously). Build up some other strong, supportive friendships in your life that will help you fill the vacuum that a breakup creates.

    And if you do want to date: just make sure you're dating people that you are actually into, whatever their gender. Your relationship with your ex (with the closets, the cheating, the lying, etc) is not all indicative of what other same-sex relationships might be like, and if you are interested in and attracted to women, absolutely date them. But don't expect it to instantly cure your broken heart, and make sure you're honest with whoever you're dating about your capacity and interest right now.
     
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  3. militarymoose

    militarymoose Active Member

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    I can really empathize with your situation. I also dated a girl for just over 6 years, and she has cheated on me. We decided what was best for us was to have an open relationship, and to see other people. This was best for her, but not for me. I'm a monogamous, give my whole heart to you--kind of girl. But maybe you guys could try that, since it would no longer be her cheating. You'd be free to see people too. But BE AWARE--When we went down the road of the "open relationship" I realize that love was no longer involved, just a lot of emotional strings and she was my comfort zone. She was my first.

    It's NOT your fault your ex cheated. That's your ex being lousy. It's not hard to just dump someone, get it over with, and to not cheat on them. It's pretty easy. It takes 5 minutes. But, don't blame yourself.

    As for dating, I have some serious advice.

    Don't date until you're happy with yourself. Especially if you're going to date women. Because I can see straight through a girl who is self loathing or unhappy. If you take care of your body, exercise to relieve stress, and take some time to focus on you, it will benefit you so, so much. "Ain't nobody gonna love you until you can love yourself." --so true.

    And as for getting back into dating women--it might help you get over your ex more than dating a man. If you're bisexual and you fall in love with the person and not their genitals, do just that. Date everybody who attracts or entices you and don't limit yourself. That's really up to you. :)
     
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