I am still so confused

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by lauren6, Dec 29, 2013.

  1. lauren6

    lauren6 Member

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm 21 years old and I'm still so confused about my sexuality. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for on here; I guess I just would like to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to me? I really thought I would have figured things out by now. I apologise in advance for how long this is going to be!

    When I was younger (early teen years) I was always completely boy-crazy and lost my virginity to a guy at quite a young age (which was not a good experience). Then, I met a girl (R) who I thought was absolutely amazing and beautiful and who I was desperate to be best friends with, but I wasn't quite sure why I liked her so much. And then she told me she was bisexual and everything clicked- I realised I was infatuated with her. Nothing ever happened with her (I never told her how I felt) and we ended up growing apart, but I'll never forget how strong my feelings were for her.

    One night, when I was 16, a different friend (L) was staying over at my house. L was my best friend and I had never told her about my feelings towards R and I had never done anything with a girl before, but somehow we ended up kissing and one thing led to another. It almost came out of nowhere and I had never thought of L in that way before, so it shocked me how much I actually enjoyed it. At first it was just experimenting, but then we basically fell into a relationship after that and actually ended up being together for over a year. However, throughout the whole relationship, I was never really sure if I was really attracted to L. I enjoyed the physical aspect of the relationship and I really loved her as a person- but I wasn't sure if I loved her in that way, and sometimes it just felt wrong. But I wasn't sure if my doubts were simply because I come from an extremely religious family who have made it clear that they think homosexuality is wrong.

    While L and I were together, I came out to my friends and to my mother and brother as bisexual and I was sure I was still attracted to guys. After we broke up, I left for university and, mainly because of how my mum had reacted to L and how I knew the rest of my family would react if I came out to them, I decided that I would only date guys from then on. But I didn't meet any guys that I really liked or clicked with.

    Then I met P- she was funny and gorgeous and so different to anyone I had ever met before, and I knew I was definitely attracted to her, and I decided that I didn't want to stop myself from dating someone who would make me happy just because I was worried about my family. When my mum found out we were in a relationship, she was devastated at first, but she grew to accept it. P even became like part of my family- she would often come to visit home with me and all of my close family loved her. Things with P were great for a year or so and I was madly in love with her, and I came out to my friends at uni (again, I chose to label myself as bisexual). But I still got the feelings of shame every so often, especially after sex, and I didn't want to hold hands with P in public or anything like that. The shameful feelings started becoming more frequent and I stopped wanting to do anything physical with P (although we were also experiencing issues because I found out she had cheated on me, so this might have been because of that), and I found myself wishing that P was a guy and wondering if I really loved her romantically. We split up, which was complicated by the fact that we were living together (with other people and with separate bedrooms), but we both were determined to remain friends. We ended up in some kind of weird relationship that wasn't as girlfriends but wasn't quite just friends either- she would still often visit my family with me and we slept in each others' beds and cuddled occasionally, but never kissed or had sex. We lived together for the next two years and that sort of relationship continued, until P moved away.

    P knew how much my sexuality bothered me and encouraged me to get with guys to figure out what I wanted. I had had a few silly, drunken one night stands with guys previously but they just left me feeling confused, because I didn't enjoy them at all. I began to wonder if I even liked guys at all, because I hadn't really had feelings for any guys since I was a young teenager. I began to think I might just be a lesbian but in denial because of my family's beliefs. But I thought it might just be that it was harder for me to trust guys because of my previous bad experiences with them. I realised I had to stop having meaningless sex with guys, and instead wait to see if I met a guy I liked and take things slowly.

    Then, this year, I met B- a lovely guy who seemed to be everything I was looking for in theory. He was kind, attractive, smart, funny and easy to talk to. We went on some amazing dates and I really enjoyed his company- and at first I thought I could fall in love with him. We took things slowly, but the first time we had sex, it really affected me (this was the first time I had had sober heterosexual sex since losing my virginity). I sort of dissociated from the situation and did not enjoy it at all, and afterwards I made excuses not to see him again for a few weeks. I eventually explained what had happened and we agreed not to have sex again for a while. The next time I felt ready to sleep with him, I was drunk, and I actually enjoyed it. I was so happy that I had actually enjoyed it because I thought I finally knew that yes, I do like guys and maybe the future I have always envisioned for myself is still a possibility. But as time went on, I realised that as much as I enjoyed the physical aspect of the sex with B, and I enjoyed spending time with him, I didn't really feel anything emotionally for him, even though I really wanted to.

    But, there was a girl, M, who I had basically fallen for without even trying. I met her a while before I met B, but she's straight so I tried to put it out of my mind. She had such an effect on me (and still does, even after over a year)- she honestly makes my heart race and gives me butterflies and makes me so nervous I can barely think straight when she's around. The only person I've ever felt like that for before was R, and that was years and years ago. I began to think about M whenever I was with B, and I really wished I could feel even half as much for B as I felt for her. But I just... couldn't. Nothing could ever happen between me and M, obviously, but my feelings for her just highlighted how little I felt for B, so I broke up with him.

    Now, I'm just really confused. When I was with my two previous girlfriends, it felt wrong and part of me wished I was with a guy- but I cared so much for them. Then, when I had a boyfriend, I couldn't stop thinking about a girl, and struggled to feel anything for him at all. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt anything emotionally towards a guy. But I'm also not sure if I was just confusing friendship love for something more with my girlfriends. So, I'm still not really sure what my sexuality is. Am I sexually bisexual but emotionally a lesbian? Am I a lesbian but just so ashamed of it due to my family that I am still in denial after all this time? Or maybe I am bisexual, but find it difficult to get close to guys because of bad past experiences, and I find it easier with girls because that's what I'm used to? I feel like by now I should have a better idea of what my sexuality really is, and not really knowing is getting me down.

    Has anyone else taken so long to work out/ come to terms with their sexuality? Sorry for typing so much, I guess I just needed to let all of this out. Any advice at all is appreciated- thank you in advance!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    The short answer would be that you will know when you fall in love with someone who gets you and clicks with you. You are very astute about yourself and I think you are right about the reasons why you don't always enjoy sex with either sex. I have a feeling though you can be very happy with a woman and there is a lot of noise in your head what's normal and acceptable and it is hard to get away from the way you'd been raised. I talked to this gal once in college and found out that she's completely racist and it ain't nothing to do with intelligence or academics but it was how she was raised. Some grains run deep and it is hard to get rid of, but to be happy and to be true to yourself, one must try.

    You are just not in love with B. The drinking made things easier and more enjoyable was all. When I desire clarity, I try spending time alone.
     
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  3. lauren6

    lauren6 Member

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    Thank you for your reply.

    I agree, I think I need to be alone for a while and take time to focus on myself. I hope that one day I'll be able to be with a woman without being ashamed of it but right now that doesn't seem likely.
     
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