How to tell (gay friend) I have feelings

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by lindsayweir13, Apr 2, 2016.

  1. lindsayweir13

    lindsayweir13 Member

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    Thanks Greylin and Nancy for the advice. I'm deleting this because I feel sort of weird about the fact that I posted in the first place and will probably just talk to my therapist about it. Kind of down on myself and dating in general and having it here makes me feel sort of lame for some reason. Best to everyone and keep on doing what you are doing!
     
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    Last edited: Apr 5, 2016
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    deleting my comments too then, good luck.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 5, 2016
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    @greylin hits the nail on the head as usual. As your friend has said no before, your conversation with her has to be from the the point of "I need to tell you that I still have feelings for you, to get it off my chest and not because I don't respect your previous no thanks when I asked you out before." The thing you must ask yourself will telling her that you have feelings help your situation? What if she is adamant that she only sees you as a friend? Can you manage having romantic feelings for a friend who only wants you as a friend?
     
    #3
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  4. lindsayweir13

    lindsayweir13 Member

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    Thanks to both of you for your insight. I guess I just have to decide how/when, if I get the courage to do it. Seems like every day there are more things that indicate she could be interested, but it's so hard to tell with women, even when we are both gay/have had some sort of history. Even after being out for most of a decade, it still throws me! sigh...
     
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  5. lindsayweir13

    lindsayweir13 Member

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    it just seems sort of unfair to, say, go up to a friend whom you know has had feelings fairly recently and do things like, look them slowly up and down and tell them how attractive they look etc and so forth (and do multiple things like this daily). I would expect as much from a straight woman, but not from a fellow queer woman...I just know that I personally am hypervigilant about this sort of thing (I've had friends confess feelings for me and I'm always really careful afterwards if I'm not interested to set boundaries and be very careful not to lead them on). I like to believe that someone whom I know to be very considerate and hypersensitive of other people's feelings would not just flirt with a person who had expressed interest in them for fun and giggles, but maybe that's expecting too much :/
     
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    Last edited: Apr 5, 2016
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    @lindsayweir13, I think your friend is falling for you and you should just go with the flow. (I remember your OPost, good memory).

    When you gals talked before she said (basically) 'I don't want to go there with a classmate.' This is very different from saying 'I am not attracted to you' or 'I don't feel any spark for you.'

    So what is happening now? She is getting very close to you emotionally, but not crossing any kind of lines physically. And it can be confusing - a good friend gives you a thoughtful gift, a gf gives you a thoughtful gift. What are you supposed to do, say 'oh don't give me nice gifts, it's too confusing for me to handle?' Yeah, nah, that isn't going to fly in the real world.

    So what can you do? One option would be to set boundaries for yourself. Tell her you still have a bit of a crush on her and that you want a healthy friendship with her. So things like hanging out are fine, but things like checking you out and telling you how hot you look aren't. It can be hard to have confidence in yourself and be able to say 'look, I caught you checking me out,' but if you need to set boundaries for yourself, then you need to be honest about things.

    Another option would be to have a 'talk' with her - aka 'hey, hot classmate, I need to have things defined here.' I think you and @greylin have already covered that option.

    And option three is just go with the flow. Look - you have instincts and gut reactions, you are just not confident enough to trust them. From what you describe, she is getting very close to you emotionally. It hasn't crossed the line into anything sexual, but it is getting there. What is the issue? Is she doing things that you don't want her to do (doesn't seem so, from your posts). Or is the issue that you want things defined, but right now they are amorphous. Do things actually need to be defined right now? Do you want things defined so you don't get your hopes up and get hurt? But you already seem pretty crushed on her, will having a 'talk' magically snuff out those feelings? Do you want things defined so you don't feel like a creeper, pushing things on her? Do you want things defined because you don't have the confidence to trust your instincts?

    Some relationships are very clear. People meet, they clearly go on dates, they clearly make out after the dates, the dates progress, they have the relationship talk... But others are more 'organic' in how they evolve. People meet through friends / school / work, they hang out but not clearly go on dates, they fall for each other but don't go far physically, eventually things fall into place and they are going on dates, making out, etc...

    My gut tells me that you two gals are in one of those organic amorphous kind of things. You are hanging out as friends and the feelings are growing. Why rush it? Why not just accept it and have a little patience? Why not just let it keep growing?

    I get that you don't want to be the creepy friend who keeps trying to put the moves on her. But sometimes people handle boundaries in one big gulp and other times people handle them in little steps. Big gulp is like having a talk 'ok, we are dating,' which gives the green light for flirting / get handsy / sent cutsey texts, etc... Little steps is the relationships isn't defined, but she flirts with you a little and you flirt right back. If she rolls with it then - ok, flirting is on the table. She says something about wanting to go somewhere cute with you for the weekend, you say something back about wanting to take her to your favorite beach and stroll on the dunes together. You are not being a creeper if she is instigating some of this and you are listening to and respecting her cues.

    Option four is to just bang her. OK, everyone, see, I said it. o_O I don't think that is the right option in this situation. I think you two are in a develop lots of feelings first before going there physically kind of thing. But I do think that you could listen to her cues and escalate the physical affection. I am guessing there are times when reaching out and holding her hand, playing with her hair, etc... would be perfect in the moment.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I'll take Option 4 for $1000 Alex. :)
     
    #7
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  8. lindsayweir13

    lindsayweir13 Member

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    For those of you who offered the sweet advice, I think you were right @Bluenote and I needed more time to let things evolve naturally. Shes's been making her interest more clear in various ways, especially as the year comes to a close. We are having a "netflix and hang" evening this week with a little bit of nice booze and I guess I will go with the flow. It seems like she may be waiting for me to make the defining move. As an anxious girl with an overly strong sense of personal space, this is hard! Wish me luck! (and if you have any tips, they are appreciated ;) )
     
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