How to NOT lead someone on...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by J, Nov 17, 2013.

  1. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    Ok, so first off let me preface this by saying I'm not out yet, and it's been super hard for me.

    Anyway, I started randomly talking to this girl online and we met up a few times to hang out, very casual. But it was as friends, the purpose wasn't dating or anything. She is gay as well. We talk pretty much every day through text and met up a few times, as I mentioned. Conversation flows easy, we have a lot in common, similar sense of humour and she seems like a really good-hearted person. The problem is I think she may like me, and I don't feel that way about her, I just don't feel the attraction. For me it's really nice to have a friend who I can be open about my sexuality with, makes me feel less alone, and aside from that I like her as a friend a lot. Maybe talking to her every day has given her the wrong impression, we talk about everything from little things to deep philosophical topics. She is always the one asking to hang out, which I oblige because I enjoy spending time with her, but I'm careful not to initiate because I don't want to give the wrong impression, though I think I already have.

    We've never brought up the topic of "Hey I like, like you", but I don't know, I can sense it from her side. Some flirty comments, never in person though, but through text. I'm not sure what to do, since she asked to see a movie and I already said yes. The few times we met up, each time by ourselves and not with other people, we paid for our own meals, I made sure of that as to not give the impression of it being a date lol. And seeing as we don't know each other all that well, we haven't known each other long, if I tell her I don't like her in that way, it might be hard to keep up a friendship when we aren't that close to begin with, though we are getting to know each other better every day.

    What do I do?
     
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  2. FarieyNurse

    FarieyNurse Member

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    dont get too touchy LOL or if she flirts with you, dont flirt back.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    The best way to communicate is to communicate. Don't play games, don't send secret signals, don't think she can read your mind. If there is something that you need her to know, tell her. It will be more awkward in the short term but much healthier for both of you and for your friendship in the long term.

    The indirect/friendzone:
    "I have had such a great time getting to know you! I'm so glad to have you as a friend."
    "Man, I haven't had a friend I hung out with so much since elementary school! Here's to BFFs."

    The bold:
    "We've been hanging out a lot. I wanted to make sure you know that I'm not dating right now - I've been having such a great time with you that I might have given the wrong impression!"

    And if she asks/makes it obvious:
    "I really like you as a friend, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I would love to keep hanging out, if that's possible, but I'll respect whatever you need."
    And respect whatever boundaries she sets - whether that's around touching, hanging out alone, conversation topics.

    One other thing: the dynamic you have right now - where she does all the initiating - is actually also super datey, in a suitor/suitee kind of way. She's pursuing you, and you're allowing that to happen and always consenting to her interest. If you want to build a balanced friendship with her, consider taking the initiative as well, and inviting her out as a friend - to parties, picnics, over for movies and chatting. That also gives you the control to set the terms and make it clear that it's not a date.
     
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  4. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the advice.

    I don't want to bring it up in such a straight forward way because I'm not 100% sure, but as I always say, a girl always knows when someone likes her (unless it's a confusing 'straight' girl, that's a whole other ball game).

    Well once I realized that she might have a crush, I always tried to do the indirect/friendzone thing, like encouraging her to pursue other girls to try and show her that I'm not interested romantically. For example, her friend was trying to hook her up with someone and I was saying go for it, genuinely excited for her that she might have a romantic prospect. And I often talk about girls that are my type physically, which doesn't match what she looks like just to hint that I'd like to remain friends. I just say things like that to try to keep it clear.

    I guess if she makes its super obvious then I'll just have to straight up tell her. I dont know, it's just a weird situation because she's the only one who I can openly talk about 'gay stuff' with lol, I mean I'm out to two people, but they're straight and live abroad so they have their own lives and have heard me go on about my emotional issues of not being out yet. With this friendship, it's different, I can be open in a more relaxed way. So we have great conversations, but I don't want these conversations to make her feel like it's going in a romantic direction, so it's this back and forth, I'm being cautious about what I say, yet it's easy to go on about everything on my mind because I enjoy talking and spending time with her. Fucking hell, why am I always getting myself into these annoyingly complicated situations?
     
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  5. Butternickles84

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    just say she's a great friend. tell them about the other people you are interested in. no romantic stuff. its easier to do it sooner than later.
     
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  6. invincible

    invincible Well-Known Member

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    Check PM, J.
     
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  7. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    @invincible There is no longer a private message funtion on AE from what I can see. Where did you message me?
     
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  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    @ J look in user control panel that's where the PMs live :)
     
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  9. invincible

    invincible Well-Known Member

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    See. This is one of the reasons why the new AE sucks. =/ How can it be a community when it makes it hard for people to communicate? Where are the bios? How can we tell if we have new messages? Is anybody listening at all?
     
    #9

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