How to meet women when your in the closet

Discussion in 'Advice on Meeting Women' started by artangel37, Apr 21, 2016.

  1. artangel37

    artangel37 Member

    Apr 5, 2016
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    Solved. Thank you all for your input. It has helped.
    Last edited: May 16, 2016
    Lady Godiva likes this.
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I am not sure where you live, but let's stop and think for a moment what you are asking...

    Where can I find a woman that can be a sexual experiment for me, who will never expect me to come out or defy my family. And btw, I won't go to bars or go online. And I am terrified of being outed.

    I think you are looking for something that doesn't really exist. Or exists so rarely that it is hard to find.

    If you live somewhere with liberal pro-gay laws, many women won't be willing to be an experiment for someone in the closet. The ones that are are most likely into hookups and use hook up tactics like going to bars or being on tinder.

    If you live somewhere repressive, there are probably closeted gay / bi women out there who would be ok with a closeted relationship. But finding them is the issue. They are likely as afraid to put a pic online, or make a pass at a friend as you are.

    I am not saying that you will never find anyone. I just think you stand a better chance if you are willing to 'give' a bit more. Maybe try bars, or descreet online dating.
    rainydaze, Spygirl and rac like this.
  3. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Nov 22, 2015
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    I agree with Bluenote! I don't think you are ridiculous, but you may have some unrealistic expectations. Being a lesbian already makes your dating pool a lot smaller, but looking for a closeted lesbian and/or a lesbian who does not mind that you are closeted and does not want a relationship but is willing to experiment may be a pretty unique order to fill.

    I am curious, though, is the concern about wanting to stay in the closet based in fear of actual danger or fear of disapproval? Basically,what country are you in and what are the laws and culture like there? How financially independent are you? Approximate age? Are you currently in a heterosexual relationship? Do you have children or custody issues?
    Not trying to be nosy, but trying to understand where you are coming from with your need to be secret?

    I am not in the dating world but know some stuff about how relationships work. And I'm out to anybody who cares to take notice. So I'm probably not the one to help you find out where to pick up women for closeted fun!
    I'm just wondering for your sake if any of these requests are negotiable preferences or are they non-negotiable safety issues?
    Bluenote likes this.
  4. jay_bird

    jay_bird Member

    May 1, 2016
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    Everyone who's replied has shared great advice! It really sounds like you're in a place where you need to focus on yourself though, rather than other people. If you're looking for a support group (in which you can find friends and meet people in the community), you can always turn online as you already have, or go to your local LGBTQ clubs/alliances. If you're looking for someone to be relaxed and open with, you can always come out to your close friends. Good friends make good confidants. As for the experimentation issue: it's probably best that you don't bother until you've gotten over the fear of being outed. If you did find someone for a 'hook up,' chances are you would end up having the arrangement haunt you because there would always be someone out there that knows your true sexuality and identity.

    Try not to rush into things. Go on your own timeline. I've been out for a while but haven't dated or experienced intimacy at all. It doesn't bother me because there are still some aspects of myself I need to get comfortable with. Rainydaze is right--your dating pool is super small now :p! That little fact makes it hard to find people, anyway. If you add that to a desire to remain closeted, your dating pool is severely limited and the probability of meeting someone just went down, down, down. :(
    rainydaze and Bluenote like this.
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    It'd be nice, wouldn't it, if it was easy to explore this new frontier without risking any of the safety and security of your closet? When we say, "Yeah, right," we're not dismissing your desire or saying we don't sympathize, but there is no reward without risk - even the most casual and private of relationships involves opening up a little.

    Since you may never come out to your family, this is a good time to start thinking about how you will manage your secret life. You don't have to decide anything or do anything now, but it's simply a fact that managing a closet is complex and emotionally fraught; most of us, even if we're out generally, encounter the risk of bad reactions every time we move, start a new job, make new acquaintances, go to a new doctor.... and we manage that risk by knowing our rights, standing up for ourselves, cultivating supportive networks, doing our research, and not disclosing when it seems unsafe. If you are contemplating an extended double life, it's worth figuring out what risks you are willing to take and what you can try to make that work.

    Things I would absolutely try:
    (1) Online dating/friendships. I know it's weird and awkward. You do not need to use your real name. You do not need to put up a picture (although you will definitely have more success if you do!). You do not need to tell them where you live or what your family situation is. You don't even have to meet them in person. But this is one of the most discreet ways to find fellow low-signal homos, and to start causal friendships, relationships, hook up scenes. Even if all you do is chat online to actual available gay ladies, that will be a good start!
    (2) Queer community events. Everyone has been closeted at some point (even if those closets were made of glass), and if you check out an LGBT center game of dodgeball or movie night, chances are good that no one is even going to bat an eye at the fact that you are not out to your religious conservative first-gen immigrant family. If there isn't some kind of center near you, check out - again, you can be totally anonymous and just browse local queer events - for something that isn't a bar that might be your jam, with people who share your interests and happen to be gay. Again, you don't have to give more than a nickname, and you can go to events far from your home if you're really worried about anonymity.
    (3) If you're interested, explore supportive religious community. A college friend of mine, also Pakistani Muslim, found a lot of strength through Muslims for Progressive Values and Al-Fatiha, and I'm sure there are others.
    (4) Hang out where the queermos hang out. Check out new cafes and bookstores; go to film festivals at the art house; find the park where the pick-up rugby game happens and ogle the players. If you're not ready to talk to your new family yet, just try being around them. It may be a way to meet someone, but it's also just a way to explore this new culture that you get to join, to see how many colors and flavors of gay are around you, and start to feel out your own preferences.

    Straight up: there is no one way to meet even a very casual partner without being at least a little public. The thing is, though, that the rewards are huge: you get a community, even when they are total strangers, who get exactly what you're dealing with because many of them have faced it themselves. You get a backup team that can reinforce and understand your decisions, in the face of a world that often doesn't. And you get a re-frame of some of the noxious and damaging defaults (about gender roles, relationships, politics, and more!), which can be a source of strength and valuable perspective.
    rainydaze and Irishgal2016 like this.
  6. Irishgal2016

    Irishgal2016 Member

    Jun 20, 2016
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    Thanks Lorienchiuz - that response you wrote has really really helped me consider my first steps towards meeting "my new family"

    I've just come out to my husband of 5 years (we're together 8) and I'm now looking to be with women like me and didn't know where to start. I feel excited but also a bit terrified as I'm still figuring out what I do next and when I tell my wider group of friends and family.

    I feel I need to get out there and meet women and this info above from you has helped me think about how to go about that.
    rainydaze likes this.

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