How to Make My Mom Believe that I'm Not Being Molested?.....I'm just Gay.

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Arianna Black, Feb 29, 2016.

  1. Arianna Black

    Arianna Black New Member

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    So....here's my dilemma. Ever since I turned 13 my mom has been pressuring me to be straight because she could see my gayness coming from a mile away. I finally came out of the closet when I turned 18. She was NOT happy about the news. Now, my mom seems to think that the reason why I'm gay is because my father molested me. The reason why she thinks this is because there have been 3 cases (all of which, were girls that were in my same grade year) in which that explanation was correct. She has asked me more than 10 times if I were being molested. I have said no in a multitude of ways. I am tired of her asking. It's like she's trying to manipulate me into saying yes. Every time she asks, it's like an over dramatic moment from a Lifetime movie. I can't prove my gayness to her because the only girls that I talk to are "loose." I don't want to bring them home. I don't know what to say to her. She's so adamant now.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am a bit confused - your dad molested 3 girls in your grade year?

    Or three girls in your year were molested by their fathers?

    Is there other back story - like are your parents divorced, was your dad a drunk, etc...?
     
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  3. Arianna Black

    Arianna Black New Member

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    No, the girls in my grade year were molested by their fathers, and yes, my dad is a drunk. My parents are still married. They just argue a lot.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    So basically what is happening is that your mom is trying to use you as ammunition in her fights with your dad. Plus, she isn't coping well with your being gay and wants someone to blame (i.e. your dad and certainly not her!)

    Your mom's behavior is more than a little crazy. There is no way to use logic and reasoning to get her to drop stuff. Because this isn't about logic, this is about how she feels (mad at your dad, freaked out that you are gay, etc...). Her anger at your dad is probably pretty deep seated - and not something that you can (or should) help her get through. The tough thing is you either need to move out as soon as possible, or you need to learn how to cope with crazy parental behavior so that it impacts you as little as possible.

    I really feel for you. Your family sounds hella messed up and hard to deal with. If there is any way that you can get therapy, or go somewhere like alanon, that could really help. That is a ton of baggage to be dealing with on your own.

    Unfortunately, I think that it is a bit more than anyone can advise you on a message board.
     
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  5. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    The best you can do is to tell your mother that you can't be turned gay, you just are. Tell her that there are plenty of women who were molested or raped who are still as straight as they were before. Any girl who was molested then comes out as gay was gay before hand.

    Do you have any gay or bisexual relatives? Often you'll find gay relatives even if it's an aunt or uncle. In my family I'm the only gay child out of six, but my uncle was bisexual. My brother's first wife has a bisexual sister and his second wife has a lesbian sister. Of his four kids, one is bisexual. So, there's some heredity to it. If you do have a gay or bisexual relative point that out to her. I'm not saying it'll help but it might make her realize that it just is and not something that happens because of something bad.
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry.

    The way to make her believe you? Yeah, there probably isn't one. She is really unhappy about your identity, and she's looking for any kind of explanation, excuse, fix, or out for it. She thinks she's found one based on anecdata, and she's going to stick to it. There is no actual evidence for her theory, and it's not based on fact, so there are no facts you can provide to refute it, and no reasoning will convince her; her belief is about her needs (to shift blame, to be angry at your dad, to avoid the truth, whatever) and not about you. Changing it is therefor also on her, not on you.

    But... you don't need to convince her, because her believing that you're gay is not actually a necessary step to you being gay, or dating, or exploring your identity, or presenting in whatever queer way you want. So, stop trying to convince her. She has shown that she is more interested in finding an excuse for you than for meeting you where you are, and that you may need to work harder to move out sooner, find a supportive family of choice, and establish your independence. Go out and live your gay life, and when she brings this up, say, "Mom, I was never molested and I'm not interested in talking about this." And then leave the room. Be a broken record. Make it the dullest conversation she ever had, and if she needs to believe it - okay, that's her choice, but it's not something you're going to put up with or discuss or work through.

    And I second the suggestion to find therapy/support, in addition to building a community for yourself of queers and queer-friendly friends. Dealing with a parent who will not see you for who you is destablizing and upsetting, and professional help to work through that - and to the place where you don't need to convince your mom to live your life - will be hugely helpful.

    (This is not even in the same ballpark, but: story time! My wife's mom firmly believes that she is only married to a woman because she is "young" and "inexperienced" and spent her impressionable teenage years hanging with homos and then failed to meet nice young men at her women's college. If she would just wait, MIL's reasoning goes, she would finally meet a guy she likes and realize that this lady-loving is just a decades-long phase. When argued with, MIL just comes up with more and more "benchmarks" that maybe my wife hasn't hit yet, and dismisses the indicators of stability/functionality in front of her; reasoning is useless. Some of us don't get joyous acceptance from our families, and some of us have to move the hell out or keep them at arm's length to stay healthy.)
     
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