how to let go if you're still so inlove

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Gentry, Mar 9, 2015.

  1. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2014
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    22
    ...
     
    #1
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2017
  2. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    382
    1) tell her about all your issues with yourself and why you think it will destroy her.
    A)Let her make in informed decision about what destroys her.
    B) break it off
    C) let it play out

    2) that's her personal problem, let her know how it's effecting your relationship with her. She has to know this for future relationships so she doesn't run into the same issue.

    3) this is just what happens when you decide to date a closeted individual.

    How do you break up with her? Show her this post and never talk to her again.


    Sorry, seriously though... If you feel like you can't say it to her face write a letter to GIVE (NOT FACEBOOK OR TEXT!!!) to her. Talk about step 1 and step 2, and if you still feel like you need to break it off... Tell her you need time to be selfish (it's not a bad thing sometimes!) and to be alone and focus on yourself.
     
    #2
    greylin, Gentry and Nancy like this.
  3. Farore

    Farore Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2014
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    41
    I was in your shoes once upon a time, but never did I ever think I should break up with my girlfriend because she was still in the closet when we met!

    I can't comment on your personal issues as I don't know what they are, so that forms no basis whatsoever to what I'm about to say, but I can comment on the rest of it.

    To be brutally honest, if you can't handle the hard part about her still being in the closet, and sticking with her while or even if she makes the journey out of it, then the relationship is indeed doomed. You're so "happy" when you're with her but at the same time wondering how to break up with her? That's not happiness, really. That's selfishness. If you knew you couldn't handle a period sitting in the closet with her you should never have started seeing her.

    Just because she can't handle telling her family right now doesn't mean she won't in the future. And you could actually help her with that if you stay.

    Some people would no doubt say that love isn't enough, or it was perhaps bad timing on her part getting into a relationship with you while still in the closet, but if what you want to do is break up with her then you have to be honest.

    Tell her it's about you and not her (that's the impression I get from your fairly short post). If you can't handle telling her to her face, like @Just Me said, then write her a letter and give it to her.
    A) Tell her all about your personal issues and lay all your cards out very clearly on the table, so that nothing is misconstrued
    B) Let her know that you're not forcing her to make a choice between you and her family and that this isn't an ultimatum
    C) If you feel the timing was bad, tell her that as well
    D) Tell her that if she is still in the closet for any future relationships, heartbreak is a possibility

    There's always the possibility as well that if she feels she has you in her corner, she may feel stronger about coming out to her family. You don't say how long you've been dating but you mentioning the honeymoon period suggests just a few months.

    Coming out can be very difficult for some people, and although it wasn't especially difficult for me, for my gf it was. She was still in the closet when we met and because of that we had our share of difficulties and upset, broke up once and got back together, but we got through it and our relationship is nothing but stronger for that. There were times I was hurt and angry, especially after the breakup, but that's par for the course if you date someone in the closet while you're out - it's not an easy position to be in and I doubt anyone would correct me in saying that, because it can be difficult.

    I know some people can't deal with dating someone who is in the closet, because that comes with a unique set of issues, and maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I believe that if someone loves another person enough then they walk through the fire together, not alone.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2015
    jellohead, greylin, Emm and 1 other person like this.
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    You need to let go because, if you have any doubts, then you're not being fair to your girlfriend -- whether she's in the closet or not. Right now, you're not giving what you need to give to the relationship -- especially when your own issues are getting in the way of what you're able to give to another person.

    Think about what's fair and how you'd want to be treated if the situation were reversed. Honesty. You need to be honest with both yourself and her. If you can't give to the relationship because of your issues, then she's not getting the best of you, which is what she deserves. She also needs to own her own identity as well...because you're not getting the best of her either if she's holding back.
     
    #4
    greylin and Gentry like this.
  5. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2014
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    251
    1. Your issues – like @Just Me said, tell her about it and let her decide if this will be a deal-breaker. You should not make that decision for her and you won’t know if it’s an issue with her unless you tell her.

    2. She’s not out – my gf is not out to her parents yet (but her brother and most of our friends know.) Although we did not set a deadline, we know she has to come out to them eventually. Right now, it is not an issue because we decided to stop making it an issue. Our relationship is still new so I don’t want to have that pressure if we can avoid it. I know it sounds like a cop-out but it works for us and we both want to just enjoy this. Yeah, time will come that we’ll need to deal with it but I’m ok if she takes her time (I told her to do it when she’s ready.) What I’m trying to tell you is, if it’s not an issue with you at this point then don’t make it an issue. And again, let her know how you feel.

    3. You’re guilty she lies – I don’t know how old you guys are or how different your culture is so I don’t know how involved her parents are with her relationships that she has to lie about you. My gf and her mom are also very close but luckily, her mom knows her boundaries. She asks every now and then what’s up with her social life but doesn’t impose on her to tell everything. She told her mom she’s seeing someone but didn’t tell her who. OK, so maybe she lies by omission but I’m not going to feel guilty because she does. We’re both adults, I have to trust she knows what she’s doing. Do you feel guilty because she makes you feel that way about her lying? If that is the case, you should stop and tell her that’s on her, not you. Remember you did not force her into this relationship so it’s ok to remind her of her accountabilities.

    Maybe you want to think first if breaking up is what you want. Or what she wants. I’m a little concerned that you think this relationship is doomed from the start. If my gf has the same mindset as you have then yes, I agree we stop this madness and break up. But not because I agree we are doomed; I will breakup with her because of her unwillingness to give us a chance. And I’m sure my gf will say/do the same thing if I think we won’t go very far because of our situation.

    Relationships are hard. Add in the complications of dating a closeted individual then it may sound like a recipe for disaster. But it comes down to your willingness to try because deep down, you know she is worth the heartache that comes with this. It is very hard and unless you are willing to compromise a LOT, I wouldn’t recommend it. I know how scary the future is but do you need to worry about that now? I found that I have two choices – worry about what tomorrow may bring or be happy now. I chose to be happy. If you still think there is no future for you and her, then yeah, break up with her. Just do it sooner than later because you are not doing her or yourself any favor by prolonging this.
     
    #5
    greylin likes this.
  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Hi Gentry, this first thing you said was the biggest head-scratcher for me. I almost said outloud to myself, "Then why would she embark on this romance?" Does that not make you the tortured romantic? This is not a hookup for you, this is all emcompassing and passionate for you.

    I think a lot of the deal breakers are already in your mind at the get go. They are not your gf's deal breakers, they are yours. Your deal breaker is a woman who is not out and your relationship not acknowleged. You can either change your mind about it or drag your feet till you can't stand it anymore. There is nothing bad about not coming out, it is how you feel about it. And there is nothing bad about keeping it from people who will never understand or can be treated like an adult on the subject. Her secret is self defense against prejudice and it is not lying to gain advantage over someone.

    But I think I understand you. Her mom's apron strings are wound way too tight and it is so difficult to deal with, because, to be with her and committed to her you really have to be family and she is telling you essentially it will never happen. It may when she is like 40 and something finally clicks for her and she doesn't care but it won't happen anytime soon and you can't count on it. It is hard to leave someone you find so lovely and yet you are reminded often how you need to be loved but you will have to go without. This can't be good for you and pretty unfair to both of you. Her family provides the problem but your biggest problem is to choose. I hope you can find a way to talk to her and thus make a choice together. It can be a pledge you give to each other to be together, or sadly, it can be the last choice you two will make in your couplehood.
     
    #6
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2015
    Gentry and rac like this.
  7. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    382
    It sounds like you know what has to happen then, a letter would defiantly be the way to go... Let us know if you need any sort of help with it... Hope it works out for you!
     
    #7
    rac likes this.
  8. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2014
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    251
    It's very nice to hear this development.

    Just one piece of advice from someone who's in the same boat as you - I find that things are easier for us if we don't look that far ahead in the future. It is great you guys are making plans but sometimes it adds to the pressure and there's already a lot we need to deal with. Things will happen when it needs to happen. So enjoy each other, get to know each other and try not to worry about things that may or may not happen tomorrow.
     
    #8
  9. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    134
    Yeah actually I agree with what Rac said... Discussing and planning the future will only put more pressure on the relationship. Especially when she isn't out... I can relate because that's exactly what I went through... I was the one in the closet, saying that I couldn't imagine being able to tell my folks... But I got into a relationship and the more serious it got... The more pressure I felt. What I realised was that for the relationship to work I first had to come out... To take that pressure and guilt away. Unfortunately it took me having to break it off with my girlfriend, take time to sum up my courage and then tell my folks. We got back together afterwards though ;) it's not been an easy journey though.. My parents took it so well, and have even accepted my relationship but all of it took baby steps.
    I think honestly ask yourself if you can be patient with her... These things take time.
     
    #9
  10. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2015
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    25
    She sees a future with you and essentially her mother already knows. Just give things some more time and see where life takes you.
    @Farore, your "fire" comment is awesome! My wife and I were "in" when we met but as soon as we knew it was real, she drove to her parents playing Chaka Khan's song "Through the fire" and told them that she was gay AND had met the one. Those Catholic straight freaks still aren't over it six years later but they realize that they are not going to overcome love. And they came to our wedding.
     
    #10
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2015

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice