How to hide the hurt from my face?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Diana, Sep 17, 2013.

  1. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    Hi there! I'll just start my story :)

    I live in a small town and I have a large group of friends. Everybody knows everybody and we get along pretty well. This summer, I met a couple of lesbians, 2 girls, aged 17, I'm 20. They seemed cute and funny and one of them added me on FB. I also kinda liked her, cause she is attractive, but I knew she has a girlfriend and that she is underage, so I stayed away. We started talking on FB, she seemed cool, we talked everyday for a while. Everytime she saw me in the city, even when she was with her girlfriend, she would jump around my neck, hug me, touch me, once she even bit my neck. I felt uncomfortable because she seemed like she was hitting on me or something similar, when her girlfriend was right next to us. I also felt weird because they are friends with my friends, so it made me feel uncomfortable in front of my friends too.

    We kept talking on FB and we hanged out twice by ourselves when her girlfriend was out of town. She kept telling me how much she misses her already and that she loves her girlfriend and bla bla. I thought it was really nice how much they loved each other. A few days later, she told me she broke up with her girlfriend because they had a huge fight. Like a good friend that i tried to be, I called her and talked to her and made her laugh and all that. When we hanged up, she texted me, telling me that she likes me. I wasn't even surprised. She was convinced that I don't like her, and I made the mistake to tell her that I do. We texted a bit and then she went to sleep, cause it was getting late. Next day, we met and hanged out. She told me that her ex was always beating her and showed me texts where her ex was saying really nasty stuff to her. I felt so sorry for this girl. She also told me how her ex cheated on her several times. It was so hard for me to believe all of this, how she was with her 2 years while that girl was disrespecting her in so many ways. I never cheated or raised a hand or swear at any of my ex girlfriends and I would never accept this kind of treatment from any girl, no matter how much I loved her. So it was really hard for me to understand how could she stay in that relationship. At some point, her ex appeared in that pub we were in and threw her some stuff that she got from her. She ran after her ex, to talk or whatever, and came back with a part of her face red, because her ex slapped her. But she seemed calm, took me into her arms and held me and kept kissing my face (we never kissed on the lips because I still didn't know how things would work out in the end).

    After an hour or so, a friend of mine and theirs, came to the pub and saw her all over me, hugging me and acting sweet. The truth is, I felt wonderful. She was really sweet and caring and she seemed so into me. We hanged out some more, the 3 of us, until she had to go home and I stayed with my friend for a while more. He then told me that I should stop what i'm doing, because they always break up and make up. I felt hurt and told him that it's not true, that they really are over, because she told me she doesn't love her ex anymore and that her ex already told her that she will be with someone else. My friend kept telling me that they always do this, fight and make up, but I kept saying that it's not true.

    On my way home, I texted her. Told her what my friend said and she said that it's not true. The next morning, she asked me to be her girlfriend. I was shocked. Didn't expect it. She made me feel so great the other day, but I always said I wouldn't date an underage girl and I wouldn't do another long distance relationship (I'm going back to college in 2 weeks, in another town, 7 hours apart). At first, I said no. I was really scared to say yes, thinking about what my friends would say, what others would say, since everybody knows the 2 of them together and me coming between them wouldn't be a nice thing to do. I asked her if she asked to be with me just because her ex said that she would also be with someone else. She said she is offended by my question, and that she would have asked me to be with her no matter what.

    I told her I'll think about her offer. We met the day she asked me to be her girlfriend, but said she can't stay long because she has to meet with her ex, to talk and to give her a phone back that she used. I said ok, decided to talk to her afterwards and tell her that I want to try to be with her. Because she kept saying that I don't even want to give it a try. She called me that night and told me that her ex will come to the park where I was with my friends at that moment and if she asks if anything happened between us, to deny everything. I was like "ok, nothing really happened". I also asked her if they got back toghether, and she said yes. I'm not a violent person, but at this point, it was so hard for me not to scream in her ear. She did exactly what she said she wouldn't do and acted offended all the time. Said she was fed up with her ex cheatings and beatings and lies and she did go back to her. Told her that from that point, we are no longer friends and wished her all the best and hanged up.

    The next day, which is yesterday, I went out with two friends. We hanged out in a pub and when we decided to leave, I see them entering the pub. I felt like puking. I had to go to the bathroom and when I came back, I saw them at our table, one of the guys who didn't know our story, invited them over. At this point, I took my jaket and left with my other two friends. I couldn't even look at her. Later that night, she texted me, told me she is sorry for everything, for hurting me, for losing my friendship and that I shouldn't have left because she would have moved to another table. Told her I didn't leave because of her, but I also told her that I was disgusted. She kept saying that she didn't lie to me, that she did like me, but she knew she couldn't keep me close to her because I was leaving and that she still loves her ex who is now her girlfriend. I was so fed up with everything, I didn't continue the conversation. I only told her that I wanted to treat her right, the opposite of how her curent girlfriend is treating her. But, I guess, she was not interested in a relationship with no punching and cheating. Deep inside, I know she liked me, I felt it and saw it in her eyes and my friends, who also think of her as a scum after she hurt me, also addmited that they saw it too, by the way she looked at me. But it doesn't matter anymore. The thing that hurts most is that she ruined a friendship. We might say hello when we bump into each other, but we won't be friends again.

    My problem is: how can I act cool around her and hide the hurt expression from my face? I thought I could do it, but yesterday, I couldn't even look at her. I don't wanna be the sad puppy, it's her loss after all. But I don't want things to be awkward everytime we bump into each other, which is a lot, since we frequent the same places with the same people. Also, I don't want her girlfriend to sense something, since she is convinced something happened between us, because she might even try to beat me and I don't want to fight with her. I just want to be able to enjoy myself in these 2 weeks before I leave. Once I leave, i'll be fine, but til then, I want to be able to be around my friends without feeling disgusted and hurt and without showing like she hurt me so much. How do I do that? And how can someone go back into a violent relationship when they are offered a normal one? I guess I can't understand how can you love someone who keeps treating you like you are nothing and decide to continue being with them, even after you get the chance to be with someone who would only respect you.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I can't offer you much on hiding your emotions. Unless you want to use imagery and try to think of your favorite vacation place while you walk pass her.

    Truth is I am glad you left and showed your disdain and your feelings. The problem is hers, not yours. She can be sorry for all she wants, but she did ruin a good friendship and a chance of a normal relationship. When you hurt someone, someone should look hurt. It sounds like you are surrounded by good friends who understand and are on your side. Feed on that energy and try to move on. I am glad things didn't go any further with her.

    She is not a mature 17 and you are a nice, mature 20, so it wasn't a good match to begin with.
     
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  3. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your kind words. I guess I'm still in shock a bit by the fact that she chose her abusive girlfriend over a normal relationship. I get that she loves her, but after 2 years of cheating and lies and punches, I would have thought that the love is long gone. But, like I said, I never been in this kind of relationship and it's hard for me to understand how can you spend 2 years in this hell and still gladly return to it.
     
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  4. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    abusive relationships are complicated. these people are co dependant, suffering from ptsd and serious mental issues. and they both need lots of therapy. Reading this story made me somewhat upset and that is why I decided to reply.

    first of all we don't know the whole story right? you don't know what is really going on in their relationship.
    2. no matter how much you or someone else warn this girl about the abuse and dysfunction she won't see it. She knows it but she is in denial. people who are in abusive relationships find it extremely hard to leave. when their partner abuse them ( verbally, emotionally, psychologically and physically ) they blame themselves, and the co dependancy results in them forgetting the abuse and pain because they are in fact suffering but can only see the clouded kindness in them. ( for example: oh she has a good heart... or she didn't mean to, or he had a bad day.) making excuses for them.

    it's very unhealthy and draining. and u are lucky it went down the way it did. try not to think of it as she chose abuse relationship over a normal one with someone who would be kind and respectful. try to see the situation from her perspective. A person who is abused and kept deep in that mental game is probably thinking very low of themselves, embarrassed and depressed. they don't think they deserve love so they cling on to that unhealthy relationship for various reasons.

    I wish someone could report the abuse though. it is a vicious cycle and they tend to choose abusive relationship over and over until they either hit rock bottom or a wake up call, intervention, come to their senses and what have you and seek help and therapy. so these are my 2 cents :D

    best of luck to ya :)
     
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  5. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for the reply. Now I understand better her situation. Of course, this doesn't excuse her lies and her actions. But, at least, I get why she chose her over me. And, a friend recently told me that in their relationship, they both hit each other and swear at each other. He doesn't know if the cheating is mutual...but now, i'm glad that i dodged a bullet. It's a hell of a relationship. And they are only 17 and beating the crap out of each other. It brakes my heart they started their love life this way.
     
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