how to have friends?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Gentry, Feb 29, 2016.

  1. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    The title makes me sound like a loser. XD well idk, maybe i am.

    I am going to be 26 this year and I still dont have any close friends. This really didn't bother me before because I am very much an introvert. Sometimes I feel sad but it was okay as long as i have new books to read and pc games to play all day. My job is home-based so I don't have people to interact with personally. I suck at online friendships too because idk why. Maybe it's bec i can't speak english well.

    I didn't have any close friends when i was in high school or college either. I got companions, they call me friend but it felt superficial. There was no bond between us.

    A few years ago, i found friends in a christian group i was invited in but they all turned their backs on me when I came out to them.

    As I said, this didn't bother me before. Obviously, now it does. Maybe it's because i just had a breakup and i needed people around me but found none. But even more than that, i'd like to experience genuine friendships as much as finding a romantic partner.

    I don't know what's wrong with me. How can I build friendship with someone? How can I find people to be friends with?

    Edit:
    I forgot to mention, i had best friends before but i eventually had romantic relationships with all of them. (Not all at the same time ofcourse. XD) We didn't burn our bridges but we never went back to who we were before we became lovers.

    Thanks in advance!
     
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    Last edited: Feb 29, 2016
  2. Vonvon87

    Vonvon87 Member

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    Hey, you're not alone. Though I have 2 best mates 1 lives in a different city, the other lives close by at the minute but i am looking to return back to Nottingham (city close by) , I am one of 5 so we've always be kinda close and even my brothers don't have many friends either mainly just there partners.
    Like yourself I've just had a break up and have found my self lacking in friends to hand with other than family. And though work is not at home my colleagues are either older than me , have kids or uni students.
    I've not gone to any actives yet but meetup.com seems promising and that's where I am hoping to break out my shell and meet new people, why don't you have a look see if there is anything on there in your area ?

    Not sure if this helped at all, good luck though :)
     
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  3. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    That already made me feel so much better. Hah. I often see threads on finding a partner, dating tips, etc but never a tread on finding friends. Or maybe i wasn't looking at the right place? Naturally, i'd think it isn't a problem for many. I see people walking around with their friends. Honestly, I find it embarassing to admit this even to myself.

    i don't have my family around. Parents passed away pretty early. I'm living on my own for 5 years now.

    i'll take a look at that website.

    Thanks @Vonvon87
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Gentry, what you talking about Willis? Your English is swell, man! I am supposedly an English speaker and my typos, grammatical whatsits should be legendary by now. People who like you would not mind so much anyway. I have always found you to be the happy sort even when you have posted things that you are worried about. So, I think if you give it half a chance you might find a few people to have meaningful relationships with. Meetup is a great idea.

    It has taken me a long time to get over my shyness and a while longer than that to learn to be a more direct person. And having that found me the few close friends I do have now. I got them by chance though, through things that I went through in communities I lived in. Now we are scattered a bit but we all seem to be able to pick up where we'd left off. I am so glad you have brought this up here because deep friendships amongst women can be hard to come by, especially once in a while you might end up in bed with one. XD And, not having the friendships you are looking for does not make you sound like a loser, it just means you have not found what you are looking for. Like VonVon87 said, you are not alone.
     
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  5. Vonvon87

    Vonvon87 Member

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    I think being shy around people I don't know is my biggest obstacle, however once people get to know me or I get to know them i don't shut up but like I said most people I see regularly are people at work.
    I'm not fussed on whether it's female friends or guy friends just be nice to hang with others and discuss Netflix / 4od/ football things over a drink with someone.

    With anything it's baby steps.
     
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  6. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    Hmm.. i take more time in composing a message if it's in english. I also don't get most of the slang terms native speakers use.. for example is "Willis", i had to google it first xD but thank you anyway :)

    I'm not really a shy person. Shyness, unfortunately, is reserved only for women i'm attracted to. I love listening to people and am usually the first one to start a conversation. But it never grows beyond that.

    Thanks @greylin , i've always seen you as a very kind and wise person. :)
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, that was a very dated slang/reference. And you are very kind! Do you think it does not grow beyond that because you are simply not interested after a while. You tend to choose the friends you may fall for?
     
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  8. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    I do talk to other people when I have the chance.. my acquaintances in my previous work were all males. Yes, they are fun to be with too. :) but for some reason, i couldn't talk to them about personal stuff or at least hang out with one of them without them feeling awkward about it.
     
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  9. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    It's alright! At least i learned something new :)

    I do choose the people I want to be friends with. If they are kind and won't do shitty things to me, i will continue befriending them. There are also some who I just cant connect with. And those I am very interested in, I try to be close to them. But i can see that the effort/attraction is one sided.. they are quite passive and wont even initiate conversations with me. i am often not included when they set up plans etc.

    Sometimes i regret that i fell inlove with my ex bestfriends. </3
     
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  10. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Gentry, you sound like a very intelligent person. You just need to get out more. You're only in your 20s so you don't want to become a recluse yet. When you're in your 50s, maybe.

    Find a gathering place for an interest of yours and go there. If you would like to learn golf take a class. There are bound to be other women in the class you can befriend over your mutual interests. Like art? Take an evening art class at your local Community college (if you're in America). They're full of adults who sit around and talk while painting or sculpting.
     
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  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I got it right away. Thank you for reminding me that I am old...o_O
     
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  12. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think people have given you pretty solid advice already. The only thing that I have to add is feel free to pm me any time. I make a decent online friend. :)
     
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  13. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    Thanks @Eloise ! I surely don't want to go in that direction. I think there is just something off about me. Most people i know says i'm an oddball. Despite my efforts, i just couldn't build deep and strong friendships.

    I just enrolled in a short course on animation, it happens every sunday. We'll be studying together for 5 months, i hope our group will get closer. :) i'm the only female in the class though.

    I like the idea of having art classes. Just the thought of it gives me butterflies. XD

    Thank you very much!
     
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  14. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    *swoon*
     
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  15. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I'd say more than decent and I'd say good friend period. Online or otherwise.
     
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  16. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Well, you have been a good friend and very generous with me, so the feeling is mutual. :)
     
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  17. artangel37

    artangel37 Member

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    I'm very much in the same boat right now. I grew up in a sheltered restrictive household and missed out on all of the normal social experiences your supposed to have. I too am an introvert and also have social anxiety which sucks. As a result, I'm pretty much a loner right now. I really want to get out of my little world and have friends but am embarrassed of my lack of social know how especially at my age. But I would really like to have at least one really good friend to go out and do things with.
     
    #17

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