How to get someone off your mind??

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by XoNathyoX, Feb 12, 2016.

  1. XoNathyoX

    XoNathyoX New Member

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    nevermind
     
    #1
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2016
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  2. wonderlust

    wonderlust Well-Known Member

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    First of all, ask yourself if you really don't think it's worth the risk to not tell this girl how you feel--- regrets suck.

    If you're sure and feel you're better off, you need to start distracting yourself, perhaps filling your day with activities would be a good way plus you might get to meet someone else who can reciprocate how you feel about them. If you're more introverted, you can perhaps channel your feelings towards creative pursuits, writing helps a lot in my case, others draw, etc.

    I'm not a fan of parading my unrequited love on social media but if that's your thing, well, then it's your thing.

    Good luck, you can get through this.
     
    #2
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Then I would not risk telling her. This is not a two way thing, so it is a one-sided crush and those things can feel overwhelming but they do pass. It is so strong for you because your brain found something in her that is the prototype of your future girlfriend.

    A lot of people, when they like someone, they will see a lot more things they take as hints they are liked back. So, maybe you can throw us something about her actions that makes you think she might like you too. We can maybe help dispel or confirm them for you.
     
    #3
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Eye contact is deceiving. I think we have something to go on with the dancing close part, though. It depends on whether girls do that in your environment in general. If you two were alone and she got close to you, then it is even more affirming. Some girls are gay for parties and for show. Do you guys talk during the week or do things together?

    Don't count on her best friend's word, and don't count on her bestie to be discreet. Most likely she had already told the girl you like your feelings. The biggest caution I would have is her best friend being territorial like some best friends can get. The closer you get to the girl, and the more of her time you take away from her best friend, the more you may see the territorial thing. That can cause a lot of gossipy nasty behavior. I don't know if you have to worry about your safety if you get talked about. Hopefully the best friend is a nice person and not at all what I think she could be.

    Perhaps you can bring up some lgbt topic in the current news and get a feel of what she may say. If she says ew or I would never date a woman, etc., then stay far far away even when she dances on you naked. Hopefully that would open some dialog. Again, don't out yourself if it is not safe.
     
    #4
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  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Here's an idea, that has helped me get through FEELINGS (long-distance relationships, depressive episodes, helpless crushes, physical pain):

    Stop fighting this crush. I don't mean confess it, or pursue her, or anything - but actually pause in your feelings to see them, respect them, appreciate them. When she gives you butterflies, pay attention to what they feel like, how weird it is that your brain is making your stomach do flips, how oddly pleasurable that particular lurch is. When she accidentally brushes your arm, notice how your body responds, what it feels like when your arm hair stands up and your skin glows. When she holds your eye contact, notice her eyes, all the freckles and wrinkles, how your body responds. Sit with these feelings when they come, and let them pass as they pass.

    Don't judge yourself or punish yourself. Don't hold onto the butterflies or the shivers. Don't project your feelings onto her either. Just notice. It's like a mindfulness meditation - isn't that interesting? is the tone you're going for. When I do this with emotions, or with pain, I tend to notice that the thing tormenting me is not actually so serious I can't stand it, and is much more complex and interesting. In time, I also notice that the feeling is less severe, or different, or distant, and that I get better at feeling it and letting it go.

    The truth is that this girls is probably straight, and probably her actions don't mean anything. That's fine. Appreciate what a crush really is - the strange, hormone-driven opportunity to see someone closely and for your body to practice falling in love. I remember my crushes with fondness, mostly because they were all hopeless - and therefore I just got to feel that joyful sad intense feeling, indulge in my imaginary love, and let it drift away when it was time.
     
    #5
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am sorry for warning about the best friend. It sounds like you are surrounded by good people who you have told about it and they are supportive. Sounds like she is straight and following what Lorienzchiu advised you to do is a brilliant course of action. I hope by doing that and in time, it gives you the clarity to have a conversation with her about it. If she is straight, and the things she is doing is considered unusual in your circles and it is confusing you, then it is ok to talk to her about it. I think she maybe doing that because she simply feels safe with you.
     
    #6
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  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I DON'T actually think she's straight (necessarily). Take it from a queer girl who liked and dated boys in high school (and was more open about it than my crushes on girls, because it was easier/more acceptable/ more relatable to my straight friends). I had a series of intense friendships with girls in middle and high school, which I recognize now as crushes. I came out at 14, started dating women at 16, married a woman at 28. I am no less a homo because I liked and dated boys back then.

    And I don't think she's gay (necessarily) - I practiced flirting with my friends, male and female, who I didn't have crushes on. I think that's what she's doing with you. She likes experimenting with closeness, and you're a safe person to do that with because she is your friend. I hung out with my female best friend pretty much every day of the week, we slept in the same bed on sleepovers, and we danced together at prom. She is the straightest, with her husband and baby, and she always assumed I'd end up with a dude too. (Surprise!)

    The thing is - it doesn't really matter if she's straight or not. If talking to her about your feelings is not on the table, then her orientation is irrelevant to how you manage your feelings and behavior. The only, only thing you know, and the only, only thing you control, is how you act in this situation - and I think you should respect her stated preferences (which are for boys and for you as a friend), and respect your feelings for what they are (a intense crush).
     
    #7
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Did I miss something, did she state a preference? The thing is, even if she had said something very clear about being straight and she does something that is confusing to the OP, can't they talk about it? I mean, if that is what the OP wants to at some point in time? Again, it really depends on the person, of course and also depends on her physical safety. I have kept certain things unspoken in my youth to keep friendships, and some of them was important for my social survival. But some things, like someone getting close to me or touching me, and it feels confusing to me, I was pretty adamant in talking to the person about it. I had a really hot friend who was a straight girl who got close to me, and I just could not shut up and enjoy it. When I talked to her, and this was way in the homophobic-er 80's, she just laughed and said, "Com'on, you don't just spell out everything." *shrug* I never got an answer from her and I lost the touchy feely, and regretted speaking up at the time. But I think if I didn't, and, you know, that is just me, I would have gone simply nuts - er more so than I am now.

    -edit, you did say "If talking to her about your feelings is not on the table,.." I swear, I am in need of a pair of librarian style old lady specs. Nvm...
     
    #8
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
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  9. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Yes! In an ideal world, I 100% think they can and should, but I'm also responding to the OP's insistence that this is Not To Be Talked About:
    So my "locus of control" advice is for this scenario: closeted, not-very-gay-friendly environment, signs-point-to-straight friend. The thing you can do, when you can do nothing else, is to make sure you're acting in a way that is honest and kind - to yourself, to your friends, to your crush. One way to do this is to talk about it, regardless of your friend's orientation (I feel like I wrote a comment like this not that long ago... oh ,here it is). But in this environment, speaking up seems not be a safe thing to do, at least socially and emotionally. OP, if you think that talking to her IS on the table, you should let us know - but I don't want to give you advice that is tonedeaf to your situation or seems unattainable right now.

    My comment was more to speak up against the assumed straightness of this other girl. There are still lots of reasons why the OP may not be comfortable having the conversation or pursuing her, but I have been that friend who people insisted were straight to girls who had a crush on me (one of whom I ended up marrying!), the girl who made up crushes on acceptable boys to fit in, the one who went on dates with dudes because they were asking and that's what you do as a teenage girl. Call it femme/bi invisibility, call it default heteronormativity, call it obnoxious - but you don't ever know how someone identifies or what they desire until you hear it from them, especially in environments that encourage and exalt straightness.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for clarifying things for me XoNathyoX and Lorienczhiu. XoNathyoX, so sorry for what you are going through in finding acceptance. It is not selfish at all to protect yourself emotionally, and you have a tool now to help, you just got to do what feels right for you. Take care.
     
    #10
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  11. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    Since pursuing your feelings is not an option, here is a thought ... A good way to distract yourself from focusing on your feelings is to do something else. I think a great way is to do something for other people. For example, volunteering at a youth center, shelter, or an NGO. You can pick any cause that you believe in, I am sure they will need some help. Sometimes doing something good for others helps us focus on important things rather than our own problems.
     
    #11
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