How to get over her?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Diana, Apr 21, 2014.

  1. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    I don't know if you all know my story with the girl who used to take pills and smoke stuff and get wasted. To those who don't know, she is the only girl i loved, like trully loved, butterflies and everything. We broke up 2 days ago cause she kept lying to me after promising over and over again that she won't get wasted again with those pills and other crap. I'm not into any kind of drugs and everytime she took something, i was so scared, i almost puked. I was constantly worried about her and couldn't focus on my exams.

    Now that we are over, i don't feel any better. I know she will continue to do her thing, i'll be away from her for 2 months cause i go back to college until summer. Problem is, all hurts so bad. I can't stop crying, can't eat, can't sleep without dreaming about her and waking up crying. I hang out with my friends, they cheer me up but once i'm alone, i feel like dying.

    She cries too, suffers too, we are both in this big mess. She wants me back but only if i accept the drugs, which i can't. She has many health problems and those pills do her even more harm. Problem is, i don't know how to get over her. I don't want a new relationship, i just want this pain to go away so i won't feel like jumping in her arms again when i come back in the summer. She won't change, she said she would have quit that crap if i came back to her, but she broke her promises so many times, i'll hurt myself again if i believe her. She won't quit that, she'll just hide it better from me.

    I don't know how to get over this girl. I met her last summer, nothing happened between us, we just admited that we both fell in love but she got back to her gf and left me alone. We saw each other again this February, and our feelings didn't change one bit, even though we didn't talk much till that day. So as you can see, i'm pretty sure that once the summer comes, my feelings will be the same, hers too. We love each other, but this is so messed up, we have nothing left. I don't trust her promises anymore and i don't want to become paranoic if we get back together and i feel like she is constantly hiding stuff from me.

    So what do you think? Have you ever been in a similar situation where you just love someone who is wrong for you and you keep going back to them even though you know it's not good for you, even though your friends tell you that she is not worth it?
     
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  2. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Hey Diana, congratulations on having the guts to break up with her and standing by your values! It must be so tough especially when you really love someone to leave her, but I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself.

    As cheesy as it sounds, time apart from her will help heal you. There's no set time limit... no one can say that you'll be over her tomorrow, next month, or even next year. Lean on your support network, take up a new hobby or do something that will distract you. Maybe also just tell how you feel to your closest friend who will be there to catch you when you fall as well as just be brutally honest with you.

    I was involved in a very, very bad relationship myself. I kept staying with her and even defended her behaviour until I reached beyond my breaking point. Probably too public to say anything about her here though. But time heals, it's been a couple of years since we broke up... one of my friends commented that I'm stronger than even before I met this girl, where I would never have let anyone walk over me (or stomp all over me). It's kind of nice to know that even though I have my internal or emotional scars, that I am actually ok and can save myself from what I would probably call the pits of my own hell.
     
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  3. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Broken hearts are part of life. You're still quite young and have a full live ahead of you. As much as it hurts, going out with others is a step in the right direction.

    As I told a friend in an abusive relationship. I said "you cannot change ANYONE, it is up to that person to change". My advice was 3 options (This applies to ANY gender relationship M/M, M/F, F/F):
    1 - Accept and live with that person as is until everything is in flames and/or spend years years in misery.
    2 - Dump that person. Flat out, walk away. Cut your loses.
    3 - You both go into counseling, person one or both also do anger management.

    If she went with #1, I don't want to hear any more complaints. If she went with #3, which I recommend give ANY relationship a chance, at least a week or so. She choose #3, one counseling session later with no desire from the other person to improve (broken promises - sound familiar?) I took her out clubbing. No sex. In a few months, she found a better partner, but that fizzled out in 6 months. She went on a date from OKcupid and is now in a serious and mutually respectful relationship.

    Here is the thing... as the saying goes: "there are plenty more fish in the sea".

    Mind you, we are ALL human (okay, most of us). My heart was broken many many years ago. I would cry and think about her years later. But I dated a LOT, dozens. A few relationships that latest 2~3 months or maybe a few weekends. Then suddenly, one night, this cute stud walks up to me. We had some drinks, had a first kiss that was FIREWORKS. A few hours later, it was fireworks in bed. I hope we never breakup. We are good for each other.

    Since our first date, we tell no lies to each other. We are VERY honest. Very little drama, no drugs, no broken promises. That woman who broke my heart year earlier, I don't think about her. In truth, we never had a future. She had a drug and drinking problem. At most, it might have lasted another 1~6 months. It was exciting, yes but too volatile, I couldn't be myself, it required WORK and stress. I wish her the best in life.

    Your love for her is real. But she won't change. And everyday you are crying over her, is a day you are NOT sharing your feelings with someone who respects you back. There are many types of people out there and you need to date or befriend many to see what works for you. In general, good long term relationships starts in your late 20s/30+.

    My wife at age 30 isn't the same woman when she was 23. I wasn't the same at 35 as when I was 25.

    In 5 years, after 2-3 more broken hearts, you'll laugh at yourself and be thankful you moved on.
     
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