How to get over a person? I know I have to let go... but I feel I can't...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by MaryWonders, Oct 8, 2016.

  1. MaryWonders

    MaryWonders Member

    Oct 7, 2016
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    Hi everyone!
    Thank you for reading my story. I could really use some advice here, please.

    I think and feel that love goes beyond gender. I've had just two boyfriends in my life,(I loved them and they loved me) and loved a woman,( my best friend in my teens-20s, (we had sex for a while, after spending years together, but I was attracted to guys, and wanted to be with guys)). Although I'm a people person, I'm also a loner, and since I'm very emotional, I don't get in romantic relationships easily.

    Last December, I met a 22-year-old woman. I'm 45.
    She is a nurse, who came to help me and my family, assisting my grandmother, who was 93 and had Alzheimer.

    The first day I saw her, I immediately felt attracted to her, to her posture and physique.
    Then, talking to her, and as days went by, I felt attracted to her sense of humour, to her wit, to the way she did her job with grandma, to her life story...Everything was so -strong- to me and happened so fast!!!

    When we talked, she was very open to me about her life, about her family, she asked me lots of things about me...
    We had a strong chemistry, we laughed all the time, she reminded me of myself at her age, she felt and told me that I was like her, but older...I felt happy because grandma felt happy with her...

    One night,after her shift, we were in the living room, she was showing me some pictures in her phone...and suddenly she kissed me, and I kissed her...and we kissed...she left at midnight...and next day we kissed and kissed, and then we begun with grandma's routine...and then we just talked every night on the phone, and kissed so secretively when noone was watching, and we touched our hands, and arms, while we were doing things with grandma...
    I was in ecstasy all the time...the tension grew and grew, we talked we wanted each other so intensely, and one day we went to a place and had sex. I was happy and excited and surprised, it was so intense, (and I felt different than in my first experience with my BFF 20 years ago). I was crazy for this woman, now as an adult.
    I felt wanted, and felt admired and desired...and we kissed soo sweetly, every day ever since...

    We begun seeing each other outside, going for coffee in the evening after her classes, to eat something, we talked every night, she begun to tell me she was falling in love with me, I said "you don't know me yet, we have a strong chemistry, a strong desire for each other, to love someone is a very profound thing, and happens after sharing a lot...let's go slowly, you were in a relationship and we don't know each other yet"... she told me she was sure of her feelings...she told me she "made love to me".

    Some days she would be in a funny or sad mood, and mentioned awful things-comments happening with her ex. at the faculty (because they both study the same, (to be registered nurses)at the same hours, and same classrooms...),and I got upset at those moments, because I felt her ex was a manipulative bitch... and I also felt jealous, but she told me not to worry, because they wouldn't talk to each other but for academic stuff. I told her that we should just stop getting closer so fast, and stop kissing, and talking so much, since I felt she had unresolved things or feelings with her ex. She told me I was talking nonsense. She told me not to make up stories between them, because she wanted to be with me, and feel happy again, and wanted to give herself and us an opportunity with "this thing" whatever it was, and that we could make it what we wanted it to be. I believed her.
    I felt she was more grounded and mature than me.
    From January until April, it was all bliss.

    My grandma died April 24th:(
    The next day, she came to give her condolences to me and my family.
    After the Mass, we walked around a little, and talked, and she was so sweet with me, she hugged me and kissed me so tenderly, I felt I wanted to be loved by her, I wanted to fall in love with her and begin a relationship.
    I felt I was having a gift, from life:) and I felt It was the moment for me to begin to work for something that could work. I felt It was the time to begin to know each other better, (outside nurse-patient-work context).
    We were talking on the phone, every night for an hour or so...
    Two weeks later, I tried to meet with her, but she was very busy. I offered many options to set encounters in any time that was appropriate for her, but was not possible. I felt upset and I asked her waht was going on, but she'd say she was busy.
    She had her crazy-end-of-quarter schedule, and I felt somehow she was keeping a distance...I asked her about that but she said she was too busy!
    By the end of May, she told me her exgirlfriend was talking to her again and that she felt she was still in love with her. She told me she felt terrible for what she was doing to me, but she loved her ex very much, she told me that woman was the love of her life..
    I was in shock!
    She just apologized and told me to please not think that she had fooled me or played with me. She told me she really wanted to have something with me, but, that her ex was so important to her, that she was not over her yet. She told me to forgive her because she'd made a terrible mistake with me. I told her I thought she wanted to have something different with a new person(me) I asked her where her "love" for me had gone??? She said "I don't know"
    Almost 6 months have passed and I'm still a mess. I miss her, I can't accept she did that to me, I feel sorry for her because (her ex confused her again but didn't made up, or told her even sorry...)
    Sometimes I feel she did no wrong, and I have nothing to forgive and want to be her friend, sometimes I feel she couldn't care less about me and it hurts terribly...
    I know love is not an obligation...but she pursued me, and seduce me so hard, that it seems crazy she went away and say goodbye so easily, and most important, that all she said she felt for me, just evaporated, vanished...gone

    Now I know myself, value myself, and love myself better(in my 20s I was very insecure, self critic, inmature) but I feel really sad, fooled, angry, and surprised with all this.
    I feel so insignificant for her...

    I believe what people say, I thought she meant every word. I felt so happy I was having a love for my own.
    To see now, that I was just a rebound for her, or a fling, and that the intensity was just for words and nothing else, it breaks my heart

    I still want to see her, hug her, have sex with her, kiss her, but I want her to want me too...
    And I don't want to hurt anymore...I just don't know how

  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    You were a fling. Nothing more. She said what she wanted to get you...perhaps because it was the thrill of the chase, or she might've actually meant what she said in a brief fleeting moment because she was invested in the time and place of it all. However, your "relationship" was built upon convenience -- you need to ask yourself whether anything would've happened with her had she not had the opportunity by being around you as a result of her job. I'm thinking if you casually met under different circumstances, nothing would have happened at all.

    You're 45...she's 22. Be are at two very different points in life; you could be her mother for God's sake. Few relationships with such huge age differences work because there's really not much the two of you have in common. At 22 she should be figuring out who she 45 you should already know.

    Your relationship experience, by your own words sounds I'm also questioning whether you truly know what love is. Yes, it sucks that this woman told you everything you needed to hear...took you to intimate places, but kisses aren't contracts. Some people confuse the notion of true love with lust or infatuation; and to some people the "L" word is far too easy a thing to say.

    Either she played you or she was genuine but not over her ex and, thus, you were a rebound. You were a relationship of convenience and perhaps served a need for her in that particular time and place -- but that doesn't translate to "happily ever after." Regardless of WHY it ended, you must accept that it did end. Whether real or fantasy or somewhere in between, you're experiencing what many of us have experienced at some point in our lives -- rejection. It happens and it sucks. That you actually thought something significant could come from this tells me that you really need to look within yourself and define what you consider to be love. Perhaps, given your self-admitted lack of relationship experience, you need to seek professional help...just to talk.

    You can't make someone love you...or want you. Move on, please.
    rac and Bluenote like this.
  3. MaryWonders

    MaryWonders Member

    Oct 7, 2016
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    Thank you Spygirl for reading and giving me your wise words!
    I know I have to search deep inside of me.
    Rejection sucks, and feeling that I was totally open to her, bothers me somehow. But yes, I wouldn't want to make anyone love me or want me. Moving on...
    Spygirl likes this.
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Firstly, I am very sorry about you mother's illness and death. That is very difficult and I am sorry for your loss.

    Second, I say that here I somewhat disagree with @Spygirl. I think she is being mean and judgy here. o_O (Inside joke).

    In serious though, most of where I disagree with her is in 'tone.'

    First, what do I think happened between you and nurse lady (whom I will call Florence)? I think that at the time, the things she felt for you, the things that you felt for her and what happened between you two was real.

    Unfortunately, it wasn't the only reality. She also had (has) real history and connection with her ex. In this case, that connection, that entanglement, that unfinished business with her ex was stronger than the connection and passion that you two had.

    You say the ex is manipulative. This implies that their relationship is bad for Florence and that the ex has more responsibility for what is happening in the relationship than Florence. That isn't really true. It takes two to tango. Florence has a part in the relationship with her ex. She has some psychological reason why she is drawn into a relationship with someone who is manipulative.

    I can imagine that this is very painful to you. I can imagine that it is very hard to understand "Florence could have me, could have a relationship that is loving and passionate, how could she possibly go back to something so toxic??"

    This is a very difficult question. I wish I had an answer to it. I do not know why so many people act against their own self intrests. I don't know why people abuse alcohol and drugs. I don't know why so many people stay in toxic, maniuplative relationships. I don't know why people cover for their abusers, or cover for the people who abuuse their children.

    But I do know that it happens. I do know that some people seem to have an 'attraction' for things that are toxic. it's more like a compulsion. I know that when it happens, it is very painful. It is hard to understand. It is agonizing to watch.

    I have lost a lot of people close to me. To suicide, to passive suicide, to drugs, to alcohol, to self destructive behavior, to abusive relationships. It's a shame, and a waste and I will never truly understand it.

    What I do understand is that I have choices in my life. I have the power to say 'my legacy will be x, it won't be suicide.' 'My legacy will be y, not addiction to a toxic relationship.'

    I think you have hit that crossroads. Florence made her choice - for whatever reason, she is connected more intensely to her ex than to you. So you have to make your choice. Let her go. But you also have to make your choice - where do YOU go from here? Do you want to go into some kind of 'fixer' relationship, where you try to 'fix' Florence? Do you want to go back to being single (and from the tone of your post, lonely?)

    Or do you want to reach out and find that passion and intimacy with someone who is ready for a healthy relationship? Someone who isn't hung up on an ex and making unhealthy decisions? Someone a little closer to your age and place in life? There actually are women out there like that. You can reach out and meet them if want.

    So I say, give yourself a little time to grieve Florence. Accept that you don't agree with her decision to get back with her ex, but it's Florence's decision to make and there is nothing you can do about it. Aknowledge that it is painful to watch a beautiful person play the tragic hero and do something self destructive.

    Then move on. And reach out to what YOU want in life. Think about what you want in a partner. Think about what makes you happyy and leaves you fulfilled. Then reach out and find that person.
    MaryWonders and Kaorin like this.
  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    You crack me up.

    As for tone -- I don't think I was being harsh or judgy. My read of the situation -- and I could be wrong (and yes I've been wrong before) that the "relationship" or whatever you want to call it was borne from the employment situation of Florence. I don't see the relationship happening organically if say the OP and the 22 year old nurse just met randomly. Sure it was real for what it was in that snapshot of time..I do not doubt that......but more than likely this "love" was likely an escape for both of them (each for their own reasons). Unfortunately it was more real for the OP.

    Reality set in after the grandmother's death -- in only 2 weeks, the phone calls subsided, the contact lessened immensely....the job took Florence out of the OPs day to day life....and thus, whether it was the toxic g/f or happened and pulled them apart.
  6. MaryWonders

    MaryWonders Member

    Oct 7, 2016
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    Hi Bluenote, thanks for reading me and writing your thoughts!
    Thank you for your condolences. I love my grandmother very much.
    You are so right!
    Florence's;) relationship with her ex is/was/is very strong.
    I had no idea how strong. Florence told me all the time she was over her, so I really didn't want to become paranoid about it or to seem inquisitive. She showed me some pictures but I was very careful not to get into stalking:cool::eek:.

    From what Florence told me, (at the very beginning of our initial conversations) I thought her ex was manipulative. She told me that she had allowed her to manipulate her, that she was a fool but that she would'n want that anymore. She was self-critic and reflexive about it in our talks. I thought she was so grounded and very "mature" for her age.
    Florence had a very assuring way of saying that she didn't want bad relationships anymore.
    She told me she felt so special with me and with this, she said "this" was so different to all her past relations 'cause I was very different and special. She'd say that this was so "strong" and beautiful, and when I'd talk about our age difference she'd say "age doesn't matter" and I'd replay "it matters", but she'd say "let's keep walking together, knowing each other..."
    I felt I was so happy that I thought "this thing" deserved a chance. And allowed myself to be in it.

    I was very vulnerable because those 6 months were my grandma's worst. I know this scenario also helped in how things developped. I don't know if we had met in the street anything would have happened...who knows???
    But I was not even looking for a partner or sex with anyone. I was into my family dynamics, nothing more.
    Florence and I used to talk about how "this thing" was so surprising, and strange, and unexpected. We were not looking for anything or anyone, but here we were...I even thought there was something sort of mystical about it...
    I didn't want to think anymore so I let myself go, and feel, and do...

    Florence's ex, looked for her again...Florence thought she was over but she is not, so she told me she couldn't do anything about it. i'd ask her "what about what you wanted? Why would you want to go back to someone that has hurt you? If you know it why you'd do that? What about all that you are feeling for me?"
    And Florence told me she had to figure out why she would allow her ex to have this power over her. Florence knows it was neither right nor healthy, but she had to do that alone. She told me to please not think she played with me. She says she really wanted to have something with me but she realized she hadn't healed.

    She's not with her ex either. They didn't go back together again.

    Florence told me she doesn't want any relationships now, she wants to focus only on her studies right now.
    Me, I understand all of this. I feel sad for her, because I know she's hurting. I can't understand how a woman so intelligent, sweet and special would believe she deserves bad/poor treatment. And of course, how can she prefer that over me??? Although that gives me another perspective. I think now, she was very clear within discourse, but her emotions were something and somewhere else.
    I'm sad because I believed every word she said to me.
    Bluenote likes this.
  7. MaryWonders

    MaryWonders Member

    Oct 7, 2016
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    It has been difficult for me, because I would like to be there for her, at the very beginning I told Florence that I could offer her a friendship. I told her how I admired her (her life has not been a pink garden at all), she has dealt with family prejudices, aggresions, money problems...and her attitude and drive are admirable! and she was so professional and so responsible. So I told her I would like to be part of her life and I'd want her to be part of mine. As friends, as two women who admire each other. She'd insist on the "let's try"...and the kissing:D
    I don't know why, but I played the "older-wiser-person" card. I thought I had to protect her from making bad choices hahaha:p
    I thought I was so inmerse in my daily activities with grandma, that I wouldn't have anything to give to anyone.
    She even told me she didn't need anyone to take care of her, that I should think about me.

    Now, I think I cannot be her friend, as much as I try I can't be objective and don't feel I can build a friendship with someone who was so "light" to act(not judging) the thing is that friendship is very important to me, and I have the same ethics to do everything. I don't consider a friend less than a partner. She really didn't act properly- friend or girlfriend- or whatever was her plan on her mind. What she did, hurted me.
    It wouldn't be balanced, I want her to tell me how she wants to talk to me, I want her to be into me...(I know is not logical, I know it won't happen,) but in my mind is like a crazy game, WTF??? I want her to want me and love me. I want that she "delivers" all that she said she want us to "be". I was ready to build something between us... when she withdrew from the picture:confused: ...and I just got losto_O So maybe friendship later, when I'm over it and when any of this hurts any longer.

    I don't want to be anyone's fixer (Been there). I talked to her about what I consider to be not self-respect. I haven't given any advices to her, since she is not asking, but I played again the older-wiser card to tell her that she is such an admirable woman, strong, intelligent, sweet, a fighter...that I would tell her to not settle for anything that the best. That she shouldn' allow anyone to manipulate her. She agrees but tells me she is figuring out why she has given her ex such importance and power in her life.
    I don't want to know anything else about them.

    I want to digest all this. I want to heal. I've had 2 grief processes, at the same time.
    I don't consider being with anyone right now. I don't want to "use" anyone as a rebound.
    Takes me a while to process things and move on...
    Bluenote likes this.
  8. MaryWonders

    MaryWonders Member

    Oct 7, 2016
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    Had I known Florence was so hung up on her ex, I'd never participated in any of this.
    I was naive. I give words a lot of importance, of value. Not everyone does that(not judging). This situation has proved me how even if two people are saying the same, each one feels in a very different way, and the intensity has a different meaning for each one of us.

    Right now it seems difficult to me to find the intimacy-that intimacy- I felt with her. I know is just because of my sadness.
    The passion... I'm very passionate and emotional, so I think and know I atract and move towards passionate people.
    I'm in a transitional point in my life right now. I had a plan to go to France to study, 5 years ago, but I decided to stay with grandma until the end.
    I'm going to study another career next january. Not in France.
    The age...your right, someone a little closer to my age would be probably a better option:rolleyes:hahaha

    I'm grateful for all the good in this. Not sure yet to say I'm grateful for the sad parts too.
    Maybe this was an scape as Spygirl says. Maybe we needed care, affection, tenderness, and we cross happened...and life pulled us apart...

    To me this happened very organically. No looking for anything. Not pressure at all.
    It felt so different and strange and new to me...
    What I had with my girl friend in my 20's was different, we were neighbourhood friends, then best friends, then love, then sex. But I never saw us as a couple. We are still friends.
    With Florence was different. I contemplated the possiblity of us being a couple.

    I'm moving on, not as fast as I'd want-like to, but I know what I have to do. I know I control my thoughts, I know I have to focus on me and my life projects. career, love..

    Thank you so much Bluenote. Your words made me cry, (you nailed it) and as you see I'm being very candid here:p
    I appreciate your time reading my post and your valuable opinions.

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