How to deal with a break up?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by nopokerface, Dec 30, 2014.

  1. nopokerface

    nopokerface New Member

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    I know, it's not the end of the world. Everybody went through this. But for me, it's still kind of new. She was my first female relationship, also the first relation that i've developped strong and deep feelings. I feel like i'm losing three years. I went through a lot of stuff for her, thinking and hoping it will pay off later. I was naive. I gave her all my best even if sometimes it made me cry thinking she would too one day. I moved in a new house to be closer to her (and of course of my job but it was secondary thinking). Now, i feel lost and alone in this new house. I was expecting great things for this year to come. There was a probability she would have move in with me ( also a good financial thing becauss she was supposed at first), turning 30 with the gift she promised me to bring me to a place that makes me excited just thinking about it ( also, she was the only one i knew would like it, so it was perfect for me), expecting a trip together on the beach she has post-poned for 2 years for various reasons. My friends are either far away meaning at least 2 hours drive or are very much taken by their new kids (4 of my closest friends had baby in the same period). Where i work, i'm alone so i dont have lot of social contacts. My parents are leaving soon for more than a month. I know there is never a good period for a break-up and i know i should not depend on anybody to feel alive, but i guess i couldn't feel more left off than now. I would just like to stop crying and be able to sleep insteadand maybe wake up when all is over or forgotten.
     
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  2. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    :'( I understand how you feel.... I was goin to get married to someone but then something along the way happen and everything eventually comes to end...

    I understand that you feel alone and lost in your new house because the reason why you moved there was to be with her but all I can say is for you to be strong and if you need someone to talk to.. you can always talk to me if you want :)

    xx
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    During break ups we tend to look at things in hindsight through rose-colored glasses. Break ups suck, there's no doubt about it, but you need to recognize a few things:

    1. We tend to romanticize the good times and ignore the bad stuff when we don't want a relationship to end. Be realistic and allow yourself to grieve but also allow yourself to be realistic:
    2. Chances are, the breakup is not totally a surprise to you -- there's likely been red flags for awhile (i.e. her postponing your trips, etc.)
    3. Focus on yourself...you need to heal, but you also need to move on. Understand that breakups always involve two people and even though there may be a precipitating event...both people ultimately share in the blame.

    If this relationship wasn't "the one" for you, then there's a good reason. Learn from it only to make yourself a better partner in the future. If I could kick myself for all the wasted time in relationships that were doomed...and the breakups that would suck...well, then, I wouldn't necessarily be the person I am today.
     
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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    The most important thing you DON'T do is sit around and dwell on stuff as you're just going to make yourself feel worse. Do some stuff for you get out and meet some new people if you're feeling isolated. Join a gym, take a class, start a conversation with a stranger in a cafe whatever floats your boat. Break ups suck but sitting around and thinking about how much they suck isn't going to get you out of the post break up funk. There is a time for grief but don't let it be everything.
     
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  5. nopokerface

    nopokerface New Member

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    Thanks for the words.
    @Spygirl : you're right for many things. I'll try to get better with what is happening in the moment. I think I might discover new stuff about me in the process. In every bad thing, there's a good thing they say. I'm maybe too much in a hurry to skip the bad emotions. You were also right, it was not really a surprise. She always has been honest with me, and she had already told me how she felt and that she had doubts about her future being with a women and that she was sad for not being able to give me back the same love i had for her. So I left her space to figure her things out and the break up is the end result. Sadly for me. I know there were good and bad stuff, but it was mostly good stuff. Anyway, I need to move on... it's over despite everything I could say, feel or do.
    @Nancy: That is exactly what I am trying to do. But I still feel there is a vacant space around me. The reminder is mostly when i get back with the empty bed, nobody to say goodnight or good morning (and my cat does not count!), talking about nothing and everything and her opinions. I guess grieving is not over yet...
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You're greiving. The sucky thing is, there is no way to skip or short circuit the grief process. You just kinda have to go through it.

    Nancy is right. You have to find some balance. You need to take care of yourself through it - eat good, sleep as best you can, excercise, get a massage, join a club or do some other social activity.

    It's kind of a fake it til you make it thing. You won't feel at all like eating / excercising, but you do it anyhow. Then somewhere a few weeks or months down the road you'll enjoy food again.

    You'll still will have times when you feel sad / angry / confused, etc... You just kinda have to let the feelings flow out. The house stuff is sad and lonely.

    The suck doesn't last forever. Just get through it one day at a time. Hang in there, OK.
     
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