How to be friends after 4 years *** Confused

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by famevei, Apr 12, 2014.

  1. famevei

    famevei Member

    Mar 23, 2014
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    So my relationship had been so complicated and the most ups and downs moment in my life.
    I was recently separated from my spouse of 4 years, we lived together and everything was shared. To cut to the chase, in year 4, I had sensed that she's different, she started writing poems etc ( little did I know that it was intended for her ex). She had no patience anymore around me, and months ago I discovered that she was cheating on me and wanting to get back with her ex...
    I was tormented, because I trusted her with all my life and would never cross my mind at all.
    Relationship went down maybe because I was very clingy and my life was revolving around her time/schedule etc and I was lost into this relationship. She likes her independence and feels that she has lost her desire towards me after years being together. I was hurt, she is very attractive , but her temperament is highly unpredictable ( she does have a condition). She could be very harsh and abusive with her words .
    Anyway, the past few months we were back and forth, but I could not trust her , and she does not have the patience and also the love anymore towards me. We fight a lot. Initially, she asked for separation because she had intention of getting back together with her ex, but thing did not pan out and she wanted me back. I was very hurt and went into major depression for months. She asked me to be with her and only weeks later changed her mind and said that she is confused and still wrote things abt her ex how much she misses her etc, things that are very hurtful to read that the person whom you love with all of your life , loves someone else and then weeks later she asked me to go back with her again, then we fought again because she practically had no patience around me anymore and only needed me as companion.
    I was not ready to be with her because I know that she does not love me, which later was admitted by her, essentially she wanted me to be there for her, full-time , even without the feeling of love, but I can not.
    I love her, I always do and I care about her deeply. We once were going to get married.

    So now, she wants to be just friends and we still see each other and call each other almost every day. I am scared that I can not separate my feeling being just a friend and a lover ? every time i see her, I know that I am still hurt and expect things to happen between us and I may develop love feeling again for her.
    I am not a bad person, I am very loyal, and have a good personality, but I am scared that I wont find anyone whom I am attracted as much ( she is also a funny person) but I can not go through this ups and downs with her, even though I know that she has condition, i think it's too cruel..

    I am planning to see my family for a long period of time in 2 months, going overseas for months ( for healing purpose and to be with family rather than here by myself ). I am going to leave my job, because at this time, nothing else matters.

    I am sad, because once I leave, She may get lonely and start dating again ( she can't be alone, basically she once said that she won't wait), and we may not be together.
    I know i am worth more than that, but I do love her, she said she loves me as a friend , I cant go cold turkey, because I love seeing her and hear her voice. As long as I am here, I feel that I wont be able to move on.
    I can not imagine myself being with anyone else. we had so much memory ( good and bad), and I know she cares abt me but she can not be committed to me at this time and would prefer to be just "friends"

    What should I do ? Should I go overseas to see my family for months ( knowing that it may make us even further apart), and how can I be just friends without any expectations ? even now, I still prioritize her. Whereas, with her, she can just easily change her mind when making appointments with me.
    Do you think it's worth to be with her ? or she will continue to hurt me ?
  2. bleckitybleck

    bleckitybleck Member

    Apr 9, 2014
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    Re: How to be friends after 4 years *** Confu...

    I'm sorry to hear about your relationship and it does seem complicated. It sounds like the two of you have developed some negative patterns of relating and you are being put in a bad position. These patterns will be very hard to change unless one of you decides to break out. Right now there is NO incentive for her to make a change because you do everything she asks of you, even though she was the one who was/is unfaithful. From your description, it sounds like she is not even sorry for cheating. To change the dynamic of the relationship, it probably needs to be you to break out because you are not getting what you need.

    It is a great idea to get away for a time and maintain distance. It will allow you to see things more clearly. If the relationship fizzles out, then it's for the best. Don't let fear of the future make you stay in a toxic relationship. There are always more opportunities in the future to find love, no matter how things seem now. But you cannot be ready to find a new love if you keep holding on to the past. You need to take care of and prioritize yourself because if you don't, then she never will. She doesn't love you and won't ever love you again if she can get what she wants without making a commitment.

    While you are away, you can keep yourself distracted by making a new goal to pursue. Sometimes a relationship can be like a drug that keeps you coming back for more even when you know it's not good for you. Just like getting off a drug, there will be a period of "withdrawal" that is hard to experience, but once you get past it, you will wonder why you were addicted in the first place. It sounds like you know what you need to do and just need a little push.

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