How should I talk to her?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by klyleonardo, Nov 1, 2013.

  1. klyleonardo

    klyleonardo Member

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    So, to everyone who reads and responds to this, a big thank you in advance :)

    Anyway, my girlfriend and I have a mutual friend (let's call her Barney), and Barney has a pretty serious crush on my girlfriend.
    She hasn't really talked to me about it in depth (well, when she met my GF, she told me that she my GF's her type, and she thought she's got a little crush on her) and most of the stuff I know regarding this crush has come from my GF (who is the most honest, earnest, and loyal person anyone can find in the world)

    So apparently Barney gave my GF a call last night when she got off work, and they talked for almost 30 minutes. It was nothing serious at the beginning, and the Barney started talking how it's hard having feelings for someone who she knew she would never have, because that someone is so in love with another person. And then she proceeded to say that she wonders how long it'd take for that someone she has feelings for to find out about said feelings.

    They proceed to talk about the crush issue, and Barney started to suggest that my GF and I will probably breakup after at most a few years because first relationships never last (I'm her first); or that it is possible for one to love more than one individual at once. My GF started explaining to her that she doesn't like her any more than just friends, and that even if she wasn't with me she probably still won't date her because she's not attracted to her in that way. And Barney started getting upset, started crying, and ended the conversation in a haste. My GF then called me to rant and told me about the situation.

    Apparently conversations like that happen between them ever so often and that wasn't the first time (I do always get informed when it happens though,) and my GF is not very happy about Barney: she says that it feels so awkward and weird to reject her like that, and it makes her feel bad that Barney gets so upset about it every time. We decided that I should probably talk to her about it, but I don't really know how to go about it. I mean, I'm not jealous or upset because I completely trust my GF. I just want to talk to her because I've been in her shoes before and I know how bad unrequited love makes anyone feel. I want to let her know that her being stubborn about this is not doing anyone any good, and she's the only one who can help herself out of the deep hole she has dug herself.

    Any suggestions on how I should communicate all of these to her? I don't want to come off as aggressive or annoyed; I really just want to help her.
     
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  2. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    no matter how much u think u love someone, forcing it on them screams red flags.
    The fact that she "trashed" the authenticity and purity of ur relationship shows her slight resentment towards u and probably her. It's disrespectful. because emotions and hormones are running high also sounds like she's trying to be hopeful

    unless u r a abusive and controlling gf then that's another story. lol. It's great that u and ur gf have open communication and she shares this stuff with u. but keep in mind that bad mouthing and negative talking and pointing at flaws of someone's friendships/relationships gets under the skin after a while.

    I don't necessarily think it's ur job to talk to her. unless all 3 of u are very close. i think it should be ur gf. A no means no. is she giving her wrong messages or signals unintentionally? if so she needs to correct and address that. I think this friends is infatuated and so of course jealous which does makes sense. Rejection sucks but she needs to be rejected as in no i dont want to pursue anything with u, i am in a healthy relationship i am happy and i wish for you to respect that... that sort of thing which from what u said sounds like ur gf has already tried. but when u say their conversations keep going back to that.. then there needs to be a line here. if they talk on a regular basis it's not helping the girl with feelings to move on. if ur gf constantly talks about ur relationships and happy times to her with a lot of details that's also probably making it worse.

    I would say ur gf needs to sit this friend down face to face and tell her how she feels brutally honest but politely. and if Barney doesn't quite "get it" then that's unfortunate. I can understand how she is having a hard time.. how old are you guys ? I hope it works out for all of u :)
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Agree with Omglol. If you talk to Barney, there is the problem of her twisting things in her mind that you are the one controlling the show and you are the only obstacle to her true love.

    People are crazy so I would approach this carefully with your gf and not be alone with Barney anymore. She is disrespecting your gf a lot and pretty shitty to you. Your gf needs to appear more to have her own mind, not less by having someone else talk to her. When I read your post I wanted to kick Barney's B.U.T. Hopefully you guys can put some gentle distance from Barney. Someone I knew had a guy friend like Barney going after her and kept thinking there was a shimmer of hope all until she just completely cut him off and won't even be friends anymore. It was just upsetting her too much and he just would not get the message.

    Your gf obviously needs a lot of support in this. Ask how else you can support her because you are iffy about the strategy you guys came up with.
     
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  4. klyleonardo

    klyleonardo Member

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    Hello guys,

    Well, here's what happened in the past few days...

    My girlfriend and I read your responses together, and we agreed with what you guys said about how she should talk to Barney instead of me. We decided that unless Barney was absolutely not taking in hints after the talk and still keeps on harassing her, we would keep her around as a friend (if she wishes to maintain the friendship, of course).

    So I had some commitments with some family and friends this Saturday, and since Barney (she lives about 40 miles away from us so that's a real inconvenience every time we try to hang out) kept stressing how we never hang out with her lately, my GF, being a good friend, decided she was traveling down to spend sometime with her. She kept telling me how much she doesn't want to go but she felt like she had to, so I told her to try to enjoy it, be cautious, and call me if anything happens.

    Long story short, basically Barney got my GF to go into her bedroom with her to watch Star Wars, and she tried to get my GF to cuddle with her on her bed (I know, right? Seriously?) My GF started feeling uncomfortable and decided that she was just gonna sit on the floor by her bed but then decided that her floor was too dirty and moved up to the very edge/corner of the bed. Then Barney's partner (I KNOW! She's got a partner!!!) got there and they were cuddling so that matter was dropped.

    A little while later my GF decided that it was better if she leaves, so she told Barney and her partner about it and Barney decided she wanted to wrestle with my GF, whom didn't want it at all and started to put on her shoes. Barney grabbed one of her shoes and when my GF accidentally kneed her in her mouth trying to get her shoe back she got upset and stormed back into her room. My GF told Barney's partner that she should probably follow her and she went. Anyway, the "talk" happened sometime during the events described in this paragraph, and Barney didn't take it well and started getting emotional.

    My GF then told me about everything, and I decided that Barney had crossed a line: It could be purely friendly if you ask a friend to snuggle you while watching a movie on the couch in your living room, but trying to get someone you've a crush on to cuddle you in YOUR FREAKING BED IN THE BEDROOM?! So I called her and confronted her and again long story short, she apologized but was far from being sincere (like she cared more about causing damage to our friendship rather than the potential damage she could have caused in my relationship with my GF) so I decided to cut her off and ice her a little while before considering taking her back. And after going no where talking with me, she called my GF and talked to her about how she doesn't want to lose our friendship (but again, she sounded more annoyed/irritated/angry than apologetic) and my GF told her that it's probably better if the two of them try to gain some distance with each other and wait for her feelings to die down so they could be true friends, told her good luck and asked her to let her know when she's ready.

    So yeah, in a way that clusterfuck (pardon me) of a situation is settled.

    Oh and to answer your question, Omglol, I'm 22, my GF is 19, and Barney is 27. She really should be a little more mature than she is right now.

    Thank both of you! You've been real helpful :D
     
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  5. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Jesus! I wouldn't be able. Well, I think you guys showed considerable restraint. What I can't figure out is why you guys would harbor any thoughts of rekindling the friendship down the line. In your shoes, I would run screaming for the hill (pushing my gf in a shopping trolley ahead of me).
     
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  6. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry but why are you friends with anyone who has that much disrespect for you, your gf, and your relationship? Maybe I am being brutally blunt and I may get some slack for this, but really this is a NO BRAINER....that is not a friend. Why would your gf say "hmmm, this girl who clearly has intense feelings for me just invited me over without my gf... i feel bad for her let me go 40 miles and hang out with her alone". I know that when we are friends with people some lines/boundaries get blurred and you never want to lose a friendship, but this girl has no respect for either of you. I would have simply laid the ultimatum out the first time she crossed the line and said "if you cannot respect our relationship then we cannot continue this friendship" and that be that. By allowing her to continuously have these conversations and professions of love with your gf you have enabled her to believe that this behavior is appropriate. It is NOT.
     
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  7. MizzLadyPants

    MizzLadyPants Well-Known Member

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    First off I think it is sooo awesome that you & your gf have such a great relationship.
    And second... you & your gf should probably just not socialize with this chick anymore.

    I know people are always worried about hurting others ppls feelings. But seriously. ...
    You don't need to worry about being nice to someone who obviously has no respect for you or your relationship.
     
    #7

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