How not to get hurt by her...again...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by joey87, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. joey87

    joey87 New Member

    Aug 7, 2016
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    Hi everyone.

    So I'm in a bit of an emotional spin and would value your input.

    Myself and my girlfriend split up in May. She then went home to visit her family and then unexpectedly went to visit friends in Dubai the following weekend (which was the weekend of my birthday). Anyway she came back and told me she was moving out and used the time to clear her head. She has done this several times in our relationship, goes away and comes back plagued with doubts about us. She ended up not moving out for financial reasons and we fell back into a pseudo relationship until I asked what we were doing because I knew my feelings were still there for her and I knew I couldn't go through a break up with her again. She said she couldn't commit and that her next partner has to be the one and she can't say that's me. It gutted me and it unfortunately felt like a break up all over again.

    Since then she's given me mixed messages, telling me that I could be the one, that she can't be with me and then telling me she'd do anything for me and loves me and I'm the most important person in the world to her. She went home last week for a few days and is still up there 10 days later. She told me when she comes back she won't be coming back to me romantically and I told her that I won't be coming back to her as her best friend (which is what we were when we were together). I also said she should move out and both things appeared to surprise her. I asked why wouldn't this happen as she has decided we don't work and I can't fall into the surrogate girlfriend role again like I did over the last three months. It's not healthy and I don't feel like I can move on and start again. It's been difficult because I know she is the love of my life but I'm obviously not hers. Then she messaged and apologised and asked how she could be with me when she has doubts and self esteem issues with a question mark at the end. I thought you've just said you're not interested in being in an intimate relationship with me so why are you texting me this? I feel like I'm on a constant roller coaster and never feel secure in the relationship.

    I'm hurting and she's apparently back for work on Sunday and I'm feeling anxious and angry and bitter that I wasted another three months on a relationship only to hear I'm not the one. I'm also feeling incredibly sad at it all.

    I need support around what to do with myself on Sunday because she'll stroll back in, confirm she's done and then expect us to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie and I can't. Every time I bring up my feelings, she shuts down, blames herself for the failure of the relationship and just calls herself shit. What do I do? How do I not show my frustration and sadness but also not pretend that everything is fine?
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Break up for real. Talking in circles isn't helping either of you, and the right thing to do is to stop bringing up your feelings, stop letting her call the shots, and stop being available for cuddling that makes you feel like crap. You know you have to stop riding the roller coaster, so you need to leave the amusement park and tear up your season pass.

    Don't be there on Sunday. Do you have a friend that you can stay with for a while? I know that if any of my friends called with this kind of situation, I would be fine with them staying a few weeks in my guest room. And you removing yourself from the situation would send the message that you are serious about this break-up-to-friendship not being okay for you. If she respect your needs, take care of them yourself.

    Get back in touch with your friends and family - your Team You. Relationships can be isolating, even when they're good, and we have this terrible habit of making our partners our only friends. Things will be easier - whether it's setting boundaries or couch surfing - with people in your corner.

    If she won't move out, can you? If it's your place, you're within your rights to ask her to move out - and if you rent, you can break your lease or find a subletter. She is in total control here because her financial needs and familiarity are determining both of your living situations, and if she's comfortable and happy with things the way they are, she's not going to change it.

    When you love someone, it's hard to see the hurt that they are doing to you, so I will be blunt: your girlfriend's behavior is unkind, selfish, and manipulative. I believe, because I try to always believe the best about people, that she genuinely can't figure out what she wants and doesn't know how to navigate her doubts, but the right thing to do is for her to name that, move out, and let you heal - and by sabotaging that discussion every time you try to have it, she is manipulating you into putting her emotional well-being above yours.
    She is not a good partner for you, even if she were willing to commit to you and stop bailing on you everytime she's away from you for more than a minute, because at the end of the day she thinks that her emotional comfort - to feel like a good person, have you there as a cuddle buddy and best friend - is more important than your need to be loved securely.

    So, it's on you to look out for your needs, and that means doing the hard work of saying no to this bad situation, moving on, and finding ways to heal. When you do this, it is not your job to keep her safe - because she sure as hell isn't making your safety her first priority here - so if she is sad or angry or beats up on herself, finding comfort and healing is her job. She can look to counselors or friends or family for that, and it should not stop you from taking care of yourself. Let her shut down. Let her blame herself. Let her call herself names. Honestly, that's all a tactic to reengage you in her emotional care, whether she's aware that she's doing it or not, and you need to remember that her emotional care is on her, and your only job is to be honest, kind, and take care of yourself.

    This sounds really hard, and it's completely okay for you not to want to continue this pseudo-relationship.
  3. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Nov 22, 2015
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    ^^^^^this! Just want to second every thing that @lorienczhiu wrote here. Excellent advice (as always). Read and re-read as needed, especially when you are feeling particularly weakened.

    Best wishes to you in your decision to choose what is best and healthy for you. You deserve to someday have a "love of your life" who loves you right back as the "love of her life" too! But you will not be available for that until you can get out of this and truly heal.
    Gyldenragg, Spygirl and Bluenote like this.
  4. ChychD

    ChychD Member

    Jun 14, 2015
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    Is it right to say "I third that". The response above are spot on pls read and read them again. She is emotionally manipulative. I had a friend like that. She knew I was into her and she kept this ambivalence going on that she is not gay but into me just to control me. I was in love with her, felt she was the love of my life until I got a good kick in the butt.
    Since she has her hooks into, I had to severe the relationship the hardest way possible. Took a project outta town, blocked her from calling and texting me. Deleted her from all my social media. I was able to make new friends and find peace!
    rainydaze likes this.
  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    I "fourth" the advice given to you by @lorienczhiu.

    I'll add this though..and something that I came to figure out only after time. If someone has to question whether to be in a relationship, it probably isn't the right relationship.

    No matter how you feel, you can't make someone love you. And, trust me when I say that you do not want to be in a relationship where you're the consolation prize always wondering whether she'll leave again. That's no way to live and you owe it to yourself to have someone love you as much as you love her.

    Be strong. You need to take some time away from her and not be there at her convenience. She's using you as a crutch right now because she knows that you've always been there for her. Take some time to put yourself first for a change.
    rainydaze likes this.

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