How gays feel about bisexuals

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by TADinUS, Feb 25, 2014.

  1. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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    (note: some details are changed for privacy, but I consider the text below to be accurate from my experiences. Sorry its a long read, but if relationships with another human being could be explained in a single paragraph - the world would be a vastly different. I am NOT an expert at anything, but I talk and listen to ALL kinds of people)

    I ended up on this site from one of the articles, as I poked around and found some of the postings here, amusing (not in a bad way – just, learning something new) before picking up it was a lesbian site… but whatever, I had something new to read.

    After watching one of videos from this site (was on Huffington Post “How lesbians feel about bisexuals”) and how many of the women here react to “fluid” sexuality with bi-sexual girls (I never heard the term before), I would like to share my thoughts and experience as a bisexual male as I hear some of the same thing from guys.

    Who am I? I’m a 39yr old 195lb man, bisexual (about 80% for girls), of the 100+ sexual partners – half were male. I live in a major US city in a state that doesn’t have marriage equality for homosexuals. I cheer for every state that follows the Constitution and gives all consenting adults the right to marry.

    Part 1: History
    Only recently have I lived my bisexual side as an adult since my experiences as a young teenager. I am comfortable at gay and lesbian clubs, enough to know some staff by name and love dancing with people on the dance floor. I have picked up women in gay and lesbian clubs, some of them have been lesbians (or guys). I’ve been in situations when I’m dancing with a girl and guy at the same time and turned on by both, rather confusing when you’re intoxicated. Either thou I regularly go to lesbian clubs – I really do NOT like the fake-homosexuals. These are guys who hang out in gay clubs specifically to pick up chicks and possibly dangerous (date rape drug). I can find friends, enjoy drinks, dance and meet new people to bullshit with.

    I’ve noticed that many of women I ask on dates who are bisexual, without knowing beforehand. With this pattern, I figured the women I would most likely be able to have a relationship with, will most likely be bisexual, allowing me to be honest with her – but this wasn’t a requirement to date a woman. In real life, I am a closet bisexual, people who know me for years, even in gay clubs do not know. I have gay friends who DON’T know for various reasons. I almost accidently outted myself in front of some gay friends when I was finding a man attractive who was talking with us… but my cleared my head enough before saying anything.

    The anger/hurt directed at bisexual men is the same for lesbians at bisexual women… I see that now after reading the posts here and reflecting some of my own experiences. I think its hard for some homosexuals to explain in words what their issue is. A gay friend of mine couldn’t, but a stranger has (I talk to a lot of people in clubs as I like meeting people) – its about competition. Its about losing to the other team, and more. A friend of mine experienced a huge hit to his ego when his wife left him for a woman, which is understandable, so flip that for losing a woman to a man.

    Part 2: Theory and Ideas

    As homosexuals are getting more equal rights (there will always be bigots, ugh) – I found it amusing and sad that many homosexuals tend put down the bisexuals. Wow... Why? I think it’s a combination of any or all of the following in various degrees: competition, jealousy, gross-factor, envy, fear, inexperience and disrespect.

    Competition: With about 10~15% of the population being LGBT in my opinion (more than half in the closet) – the availability of choices are smaller at about 2~3%. When you are out with your girlfriend, you have comfort and security that another guy won’t “steal” her from you. With most people being heterosexual, that is a lot of relationship security. But toss in the male factor, then all of the sudden any cute guy has the ability to ask her for date or dance.

    Yes, I’ve seen the “SHE’s MINE!!” stereo-type reaction and I even had a girl taken away from me by a group of lesbians. Its more over-reaction, but shit happens. Hell, I was having a nice social talk with a women in a gay bar, her boyfriend got in my face because one of his friends told him I was “hitting on her”. Sure, I’m bi – but she’s not my type, so we’re just talking. I said my peace and walked away from this little “man”. I laughed about him with a bouncer as he needed hugs and validation for his manhood from *his* woman. In my book, they are both losers. I go to clubs to dance and have fun – not to mark my territory and go to jail.

    See? The reverse happened… he felt threaten to lose his girl, even in a club with hundreds of gay men.

    Jealousy: This is hard to put into words. I was dating a guy who knew I was bi, he would even send girls my way at clubs. But if things are interesting between me and the girl – he’d get upset! Perhaps its because “I’m into more people than just him.”. Ah-ah! With a bisexual person, those who are honest with themselves and in a relationship, he or she may always desire to have sexual relationship with both sexes. I eventually broke it off with him. He wanted more than I could give and I don’t stay in a relationships with a jealous people. Why give both of us any more grief?

    So when your girlfriend wants penis, there may be jealousy. And with competition, you do risk losing the girl to a MAN… but if she is bi, that will most likely happen. You may want to date a “pansexual”, these are more “person love” sexuality than bi-sexual. They won’t leave you for another man or woman as long as they love you. I’m still working on that concept… to me, pansexual is still a bisexual. Do we call a straight monogamous couple “pansexual” because they are committed to each other?

    Being the jealous type is an excellent way to push the one you love, away. Its ugly, its childish… but its also human. I’ve been jealous myself from time to time, but never violently.

    Gross-factor: This is the reverse reaction of what some straights have about a man making love to another man. Or the idea of a black man sticking his penis into a white woman… “ITS GROSS! Her vag is ruined!” Yeah, some people think this way – and for women who think a penis inside vagina is GROSS, you are just as guilty. By all means, if you are NOT attracted to penis, that is OKAY. But don’t be mean about it... and guess what, for some gay men, the idea of a wet vagina is also GROSS!! Ewww! So grow up, don’t be a bigot. We are all naked under our clothes. There are people who think you are gross and it hurts, so why dish it onto others?

    There are UGLY penises out there, just as there are UGLY vaginas, okay. There is some hot ones too. What I like personally is not the same for others (male or female). Check this out, the penis can be washed… and of course, the vag can be washed too. No more guy germs in there. One point, ALL of us have been inside a man and a woman before we were ever born.

    Envy: Some people with envy can react badly. I’d say, being bisexual is sometimes easier, but also a bit more complicated for obvious reasons. When the world (or the USA at least) has matured so being gay means NOTHING, then life will be easier for bi-sexuals and homosexuals. Maybe there is envy of things you wish you could do for your lover. One of my good friends is bisexual and tends to bounce from hardcore lesbian, to “I want cock!” a week or so later. An adventure that involved her and 3 other girls from school having sex in her living room… yeah, I envy her… wish I could be a at THAT party. After being dumped by a guy a few months ago, she comes into my home and is full-time lesbian! I laughed… she likes girls and all, but she likes a big man to hold her down, etc. A few weeks later, she’s back with guys, I knew she would do this. She didn’t have sex with any girls during this time – but next time I see her, I will ask her to be mindful next time she plays with girls if they are lesbians as she is constantly hit on by girls and will make out with them.

    Its possible to be envious of your bisexual girlfriend or in bisexuals in general. Some lesbians have had sex with men (as some gay men have tried women out) and it doesn’t work. There is NO real advantage to being bisexual… other than being better lovers. Okay, not quite true, anyone can be a lousy lover of any sexual orientation.

    We cannot experience the opposite sex, guys can pee standing up and don’t have periods. Girls get to have breasts, don’t get uncontrolled hard-ons in public and can have multiple orgasms to our pitiful one. You also get to have babies which is both amazing and painful experience. Yeah, I envy women sometimes, until I have to urinate and no bathroom is nearby.

    Fear: Same as bigots… being afraid of what you DON’T understand. I did not understand why some gay men hated bisexual men. There is a solution to this. Communicate… talk, share ideas and guess what… Bisexuals are human too! We love our families, our kids, our friends. Straight, bi, gay = people are people.

    I’ve read here about how lesbians had their hearts broken because the girl they were with, left them for another man. That sucks… but that is also life. Hope she/they were honest about their sexuality before hand. If it’s a one-night stand, have fun with the bi-chick… If its more than that, then bisexual girls SHOULD be open to you about their desires in relationships.

    Inexperience: Hmmm… I’d say, that is important to any form of dating or relationship. Each failure is an experience for a better “next time”. It hurts… I think we’ve all had our hearts broken a few times in our lives.
    When you meet a bisexual girl, rather than give her the finger and walking away in anger, I highly recommend you TALK with her if she comes up to you. At least be friends… maybe she knows a GIRL who would be perfect for you! Let her know why you will not date her, because of past experiences or what you have read about bi-chicks online or other friends. You’ll be doing her a favor too, so that SHE knows that its possible to hurt people and why. When I talk to people, I don’t choose them based on their sexual orientation… it may come up, and we all learn something about our fellow humans.

    Respect and disrespect: This goes a long way. Respect another person for who they are as a person, not their sexuality. When you are mean to someone who may not know what your issue is, you are not helping anyone. Give others a chance to know WHY you feel about things. I’ve had my A-HA moments with strangers – this is part of gaining experience, of course. I have respect for a particular lesbian who has competed with me to get chicks, she used to hate me until she got to know me. She is still aggressive about taking women from men and I smile inside as she “bets” me she’ll get a target. Sometimes a guy didn’t know his girlfriend/date just got some action in a women’s stall in a restroom.
    I used to go out “fishing” with a cute stud (I did ask if she was 100% lesbian), we danced with each other and with other girls. People are different. To mean, as long as they are not criminal, harming others, being mean to others… give them some respect of some degree.

    Part 3: Life

    In one of the videos here, a lesbian named Courtney Adams, said she has sex with a man once a year. I think its amusing that she or anyone would do that… Its somewhat healthy to “try new things” just in case, but in my mind – she is a lesbian and doing *IT* like that doesn’t work. Its like “Yep, I don’t like hairy men”.

    Its kind of like the several posts here from ladies “guys think if they F you right, you won’t be a lesbian anymore”, hey some straight girls think that a gay man only needs to F’ed by the right woman. See? People ARE rude from all sides of sexual orientation!

    Anyhow, I know of two different lesbians who did fall in love with a man and got married. Sometimes, they do have sex with other girls and with one of them, her husband is bi. Its more than just sex to want to marry someone, it’s a connection with the heart, the mind and hopefully great sex too. Setting up an annual “penis test drive” will almost always end in failure. This is directed to anyone, same for gay men who try women out.

    Why does it fail? Because, you’re a lesbian and your heart isn’t in it. “I touched a penis and its still gross!”. So? Then don’t bother. It is possible you may run into a person you fall in love with, that happens to be a guy. Anything can happen, right? A friend who is post-op M > F, had a relationship with a young lesbian...

    I’ve picked up women (who said they were lesbian) in gay or lesbian clubs and had sex… from a *HOT* lip-stick type and even one who was on her way to be a “man”. Geez, a post-op F > M (with beard) has even hit on me and remembers me back when she was a girl. Before you go “OH GROSS!”, this is what people do, they go out to meet people, maybe have sex with someone – men and women. I’m happy to find dance partners and if I get sex out of it, then it’s a bonus. Hell, in a gay club with 1000+ gay guys, I ran into some college girls from a womens-only Christian University, their response to me about why there were in such a place; “We aren’t that Christian!” and danced their hot teen bodies against mine. Oh, if their parents only knew…!

    I’ll tell you about a lesbian I met at a club some time ago, She is a stud (she taught me the word), kind of a typical shorts & shirt wearing, short-hair lesbian with little makeup type. I didn’t really notice this when I first met her as (A) its dark except for club lights (B) most people are dressed up (C) while not at a gay club (LGBT are regulars) and (D) I don’t ask women if they are straight, gay or whatever.

    We danced and talked. She’s a regular looking girl, who questioned why I would spend my time with her, since she has seen me dance with other girls. I answered her was a kiss as I couldn’t come up with any words to explain how I was feeling about her. We danced and kissed more that night and an hour or so later, we are having sex and I didn’t know her name.

    Looking back at that night, it still gives me goose bumps. We did make love that first night, it was passionate, it was beautiful, we were comfortable with each other. On our first date a few days later, I told her about my bisexuality and honest with my past. She told me she was looking to pick up chicks the night we hooked up.

    We became a “couple” by the 3rd date. She offered to be more “girlie” for me, for which I told her to be herself. She does have some skirts, but the style of her clothes says “I’m stud”/“I like girls!” which I find some of her outfits quite sexy. I didn’t kiss or have sex with her because she was a lesbian. I was falling in love with the person. We had fireworks with that first kiss and something *CLICKED*. If she left me for another person, it would be devastating. If she’s having sex with someone else, its okay as long as we check with each other. We DON’T cheat on each other. Outside the bedroom, we have fun with life as well. When there are problems we talk, not fight.

    We married four months later. We now have 2 kids and she’s an awesome loving mom.
    We’re still bisexual, we do have “fun time” with other women… sometimes another guy. I think its unfair for straight guys to only have threesomes with their wife/GF and another woman.

    In a past relationship, she was cheated on and disrespected from her girlfriend. So my wife was jealous of my “open-relationship” lifestyle, which I told her about on day one. But I never did anything behind her back, she knows this. Even to this day, if she or I want to do something with another person, we ask permission. And when she was pregnant and we couldn't have sex - I did NOT get sex from others, even though she understood if I did. We look out for each other.
    *note: We don’t bring strangers home. Nor party or drink in front of kids or at home.

    That is what *MY* bisexual relationship looks like.
    I’ve seen others have problems – and that is when dishonesty, jealousy and disrespect comes into play. I’ve also seen others work very well in which their relationship is similar to ours.

    Being “in Love” is not a common thing. You may find it early, but I think it takes experience to find the person at the right time in both of your lives and to not let go. I’ve had guys and women fall in love with me, when I didn’t feel nearly the same (if at all) in return. Over a year later, I did ask her “What were you thinking when I suddenly kissed you that night?”, her response (with some thinking) “Was not expecting it, but the way you were looking at me and the kiss… it just felt right.”. Every day, I am thankful that she is my life and when I look at our kids who we love so dearly. It is truly a wonderful thing to sleep next to your life-partner rather than a sex partner/friend, etc.

    If your girlfriend or wife is completely into you, she will not leave you for anyone else, period. But there is no way you can force someone to stay with you, if she cheats or leaves you, it has nothing to do with him having a penis (if it’s a man), maybe its just her… or you as a person, nothing more. Years before my wife, a girlfriend broke up with me after 3 months. We had good times with no fights, ever. Good sex, both of us with sexy bodies. When she told me “You’re nice, but I don’t have feelings for you”, I told her truthfully “me too”. There was nothing wrong with her, there never was *that spark*. I wish her happiness and a good life.

    Remember; be friends with a bi-girl, share info from above. Maybe she’ll do better with another bisexual. Maybe she knows other women who would be a good match for you. I’ve referred both men and women homosexuals to others that I have meet (sexually and not).

    In closing…
    I look forward when same sex marriage is legal in the USA… you should be able to express who your partner is, as your wife, etc… not simply as your “girlfriend” or “partner”. We do our part, when we can to support same sex in our state. It will happen.
  2. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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