How do you move on?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by TheScandinavian, May 2, 2016.

  1. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    I'll spare the details-a few years back, I found myself crushing on a "straight woman" (she's a lesbian but won't ever come out). In time, we kissed exactly twice before we started actually dating when I turned 18 (she's 10 years older than me). We dated for 6 months, broke up and she's back to this guy she's been "dating". I had my fair share of hook ups with guys and girls, even one serious relationship.

    And here I am-freshly 21, trying to move on and I can't seem to be able to. Every time there's some progress, we're always brought together. Like I avoid searching for her-don't ask about her, initially avoid places I might see her at and I cannot not avoid her... She's amazing-basically, I believe that if she was open about who she is, we probably would be together right now. She's smart, intelligent, funny, good looking.. Basically-the whole package. I love her and when we broke up, she kind of put a spell on my heart, in a sense...

    Any piece of advice on how to deal with that?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    But, she is not the whole package! You have broken up and that means whatever you liked about her was not enough. There will be far more amazing people to cross your path yet. And one of them will be love you and cherish you. I can only advise time and distance to break the spell. Also, sometimes, the physical distance helps because she might have a spell on more of your senses than you realize. Her sound and her scent could also mesmerize you. But that is all it is, a spell and there is no substance that you will find with her. You can't wish someone into a state they are not ready for.
     
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  3. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    The reason we broke up was her not being out of the closet. However-I can control myself-I don't initially search for her, don't ask about her, don't stalk her on social media and avoid places where I can run to her and yet, we're still brought together so cutting her out completely just doesn't seem like an option right now. :(
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Then you will need time and distractions. I have found a period of alone time really helped me on a bad break up years ago. I wasn't completely alone, I did have some online activity but it was strategic aloneless. I did not want to meet anyone, did not want to pine on anyone, I just worked on things that were interesting to me. The more I found me, the more the ex disappeared. I think there is a well-known member here, I won't name her, but her name begins with Spy and ends with girl. She said something about not depending on someone for your own happiness and it is so very true. It may sound like something you have heard of before, but when you get that figured out, when you actually feel that you have lost that happiness because of someone but you found it back, it is like a light has turned on.
     
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  5. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Yeah-I realize that 6 months are not at all a long period of time. I've had a 2 year relationship and when it was all over, I didn't feel as bad as I feel now. Perhaps it's the previous years of history we had before those 6 months... I even met her mom-what she told her wasn't a complete lie but still hurt. Now I am sure that I can't be anyone's secret but why can't I seem to find peace? I guess that once I'm able to leave the country, it'll be easier (even if we limit it to dating, 'cause where Ilive now, being LGBT is still a taboo and I feel like I've dated everyone or it's really hard to meet someone who's open as me-I'm completely out).
    I try keeping myself occupied-work, study (even passed 3 exams, got 2 more this weekend) and go out with my friends and some days & nights I'm alright. Other times are a nightmare since I can't do anythig 'cause of her-thinking about her, being reminded by her by something I saw on my way back home, or on TV, or read about...
     
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