How do you know the difference between friendly and interest?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Sara greene23, May 14, 2015.

  1. Sara greene23

    Sara greene23 New Member

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    Hi guys, like my titles says how do you know? Most of my friends are men and my friends that are women are not so close so I find it really confusing knowing when a girl is flirting or if their behaviour is just what girls do (I hope I don't sound weird!).

    For instance there is a woman I work with who I like and I do think she acts differently towards me but I don't know if she just finds me easy company. For instance she likes to tease me and we end up in play fights and she says she is going to wrestle me when we have this hang out at hers (there's a group of us from working going to be there). She also touches me a lot when we talk. Sometimes I will be doing something and look up and I find her staring at me or we lock eyes for a few seconds- I don't do this with other friends. When we do this sometimes she'll pull a stupid face at me or turn it on me and ask why I'm looking at her.

    Once When she had been away from the office a few days and came back, she came up to me and did a half hug thing saying she missed me. This week she will be gone again and I told her not to miss me to which she smiled and said she doesn't miss kids and then threw me a play punch.

    She is older than me by quite a few years and will often comment on the age difference and say how old she is, saying she is old enough to be my mum- she brings this up for no appear bet reason - I'm not sure what gets her thinking about this. I have playfully said she should be with me and she said she's too old for me and people would laugh.

    She also makes comments like "you look fit", like in the healthy sense but actually you look fit in both senses of the word". And says how pretty I am.

    she is also in a high position in the company, I'm not sure if this adds to the story.

    How do I tell the difference?
     
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    Last edited: May 14, 2015
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Don't go there with someone higher up in your company. This is bad. Like seriously -- if things go wrong is only the beginning of what could happen negatively for you.

    As for whether she's flirting..I'll give that a definite maybe. Play fights with wrestling is totally flirting, IMO, and that she's in a high position in the company means that this is totally inappropriate behavior. Touching, hugging...maybe flirting or maybe she's just touchy-feely in general. Does she know you're gay? Do you know if she is?
     
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  3. Sara greene23

    Sara greene23 New Member

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    Thanks for the reply spy girl. Yeah she knows I'm gay. I don't know what she is, she has said some weird things that makes me think she's not entirely sure what she is.

    She does seem like a warm person but as I say I'm the only one she seems to do these things to. But I would say I'm easier to talk to than others at work and people say they are comfortable around me so maybe I make her comfortable enough to be herself....

    I wonder sometimes if she knows I like her and it makes her so it all the more. I'm thinking about the other week she wore this white blouse and she came up to me and said that she wore a couple of button undone so she didn't look frumpy. I couldn't help but look and she saw. I got nervous and tried to joke and said she shouldn't be wearing a black bra with the white shirt. The next week she comes dressed like that again, same bra, and I'm thinking coincidence or is it because I noticed?
     
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  4. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    Watch "The graduate". It will all make sense in two hours.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    @jellohead LOL! Seriously, though, Sara, not that a real romance cannot come from a workplace and not that a real romance cannot happen between management and subordinate, but there are reasons why there are so many rules and such to protect people in the work place when they find themselves in a power imbalanced situation. Workplaces can be surreal and you may find yourself attracted to people you would not think twice about if you weren't working with them day in and out. I know it because I have had these vibes with older women in management before when I first started out. I wasn't sure what I was feeling then and didn't even want to think about it. But once I was away from it I then thought, huh, what was that all about? The good thing for me was, that the women did not take advantage of it nor did they get all touchy feely. Your lady there acts like she is tempted somewhat and she uses her age as a shield of her actions and I don't think she would ever cross the line-line. She has already stepped over some stuff, mind. I think if I were you, I would just leave it where it is, affirm her declarations that she is just being a kind mentor to you and not let it get any further. Good luck to you and your career.
     
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  6. Sara greene23

    Sara greene23 New Member

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    the graduate!!

    I feel like Greylin is right about this. In fact I know she is right. I try to keep away but I'm drawn to her- I always manage to get inappropriate crushes

    Using age as a shield; I never really thought it through as being that but that makes sense. I thought she may have known I like her and was using it like a warning to me. She says that I'm not like someone my age- maybe I should start acting it to put her off
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Please do be yourself and not lose that. You are a nice approachable person that is why some of this is happening. No reaction is the best reaction I think.
     
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  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    @greylin hits the nail on the head yet again :)
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Here is my take on things.

    1) She is attracted to you.
    2) She may or may not have accepted that she is gay.
    3) She may or may not have come out to people as gay.
    4) She is your higher up at work and is acting like a total ass.

    I don't know how old this woman is, but I'm guessing that she is in her 40s (or older). Keep in mind that I am in my 40s.

    And by the time you are 40, you should have learned to keep it in your pants. Showing off your bra to the underling at work is not keeping it in your pants. It is being an ass.

    That is not just a little friendly banter, or something that kinda happened. She woke up on the second morning and said "hey, I'm gonna wear my black bra again to show it off to Sara Greene."

    She knows that she shouldn't go there with you because 1) you are younger 2) she is your supervisor 3) you guys would never work in terms of a serious relationship. And yet - she doesn't have the self control, or professionalism to not flirt with you.

    Dan Savage (the sex advice columnist) has this great rule, he calls it "the campsite rule." I'm paraphrasing, but it's basically that may-december type relationships are ok, as long as everyone is an adult and the younger person leaves the relationship better off than they came into it.

    When there is a lot of difference in age, the older person can wind up preying on the younger person, to the younger person's detriment. The Youngin' doesn't necessarily have experience, the perspective or the resources to deal with the relationship - or the fall out from the relationship.

    I don't mean to sound condescending to you when I say youngin' - when I was in my 20s I had a number of relationships with older women. A couple of them took advantage of me and didn't treat me so great. I learned the hard way to spot red flags and to not make those same mistakes again.

    Let's stop and think about some of the (bad) ways things could turn out between you two.

    A) You guys flirt a lot at work, but nothing ever comes of it.
    While this may seem harmless, it's not. It's likely to be weird and stressful for you. Does she like you, does she not, do you make a move, etc...? And people at work will pick up on the flirting. Rumors will start that you guys are banging (even if you are not). Then anything you do at work might be seen cynically (Sara got a raise because she is banging the boss). Depending on the rules at your work, you guys could both get in trouble. Taken to the extreme the rumors could impact your ability to get jobs or promotions (Sara can't keep it out of the company ink, she slept her way to her good reviews, etc...).

    B) You guys do wind up banging.
    All of the stuff from above applies. And - she has already put it out there that she couldn't seriously date someone your age. So you would wind up being her dirty little secret. She wants to bang you, but she doesn't dare bring you around her friends, because of the reactions she'd get. Ditto that public, holiday times, etc... It's one thing to have a fwb relationship. It's a whole other thing to be fwb and have to leave out the back door. Being someone's dirty secret does get to you after awhile.

    C) You guys do wind up banging and things don't last forever.
    This is pretty complicated. Because if something does happen between you guys, it won't last forever. It's an inherently unstable thing - she has already said that she can't go there. Which doesn't mean that she won't go there - she seems to have lousy self control. But it does mean that she won't stay there. Something will happen - guilt on her part, a shitstorm at work, you being sick of being the dirty secret. And things will end.

    Maybe you will be left heartbroken. Maybe she will get in big trouble at work. Maybe she will break it off with you and refuse to talk to you. Maybe she will try to twist things around that you seduced her. Maybe you will be on off on off until it totally fucks with your head. Maybe you dump her and she retaliates at work. Or maybe she is sneaky and just bad mouths you professionally, but not enough that you can easily prove harassment.

    There are about a million ways it can go, and very few of them result in a amicable 'lets end this and stay professional / friends.'

    Because desire, rejection and guilt are really powerful emotions. Put them all together and you have a real mess on your hands. She isn't exactly being very mature - one minute saying she can't go there with you, the next parading her bra. Makes me really doubt her ability to maturely handle the kind of desire / guilt / rejection cocktail you guys are brewing up.

    She is being an ass to you. She could hurt you, very badly. But she just can't seem to stop herself. And at her age, she should be able to stop herself. That is a gigantic red flag. Like do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars red flag. Even if you guys were the same age, even if you didn't work together - I would have concerns about someone who said 'nope, can't do this' and then - proceeded to do it. Is that really the kind of person you want around you?
     
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  10. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    As far as knowing how to tell, it depends but you can always err on the safe side and assume she is not flirting.

    At my work place I mention age difference a lot because I am aware of it, not because it means something to else

    Good luck
     
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  11. Sara greene23

    Sara greene23 New Member

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    thanks for all your input

    I'm thinking about the line crossing thing mentioned and I actually think she knows she crosses the line, I see her behaviours change towards me when other managers are in the office.

    I would really like to stop liking her like i do. I'm weak willed. She walked in today and asked me to massage her neck and I did it- I don't help myself at all.

    Part of me thinks she actually just likes attention and she doesn't like me in that way at all, I'm just a source of attention.
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think you are dead on about that, Sara, she is just enjoying the attention. You can cope with it by going out more and meeting other people.
     
    #12

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