How do lesbians know it's the one?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by sela9, Feb 19, 2015.

  1. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2015
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    58
    I feel like a lot of lesbians stay together and get married, yet aren't "soul mates". I love my ex so much yet I questioned whether she is "the one" and ended it. Our background and personalities are very different yet we have so much chemistry, fun, love, and similar goals. Yet, there are some concerns I have. My friends think I am making a mistake and should be with her, but I think lesbians get into relationships and stay with them because they are comfortable and it is hard to find a beautiful, hard-working, confident lesbian.

    Anyone in a long-term (more than 10 years) relationship and married (even may have kids). What do you think are the qualities you need to have? Also, if you have kids, what traits do you think keep you and your partner in love and committed.
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Not crazy, loves me, good in bed, cleans the cat box, no addictions, can carry a conversation, sense of humor.

    Idk, relationships are hard. People spend so much time looking for some mythical perfect person and so little time working on their relationship skills.

    I think if two people love each other, are committed to the relationship, are willing to work and compromise - they can do alright.
     
    #2
    Andy86, greylin, Pi3 and 5 others like this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Your question seems to imply that there's a difference between lesbians knowing someone's "the one" and straight people knowing someone's the "one." It's no different for us, and there's no magic answer.

    So many people jump into relationships too quickly -- before getting to know someone. Relationships built on lust with nothing more there are like houses of cards; they eventually crumble. Relationships with a foundation -- meaning, the people actually LIKE each other, have common interests, have an ability to communicate -- can last if both involved are willing to work at it. Physical attraction and sex are important...but more than that is the ability to grow together as a couple rather than growing apart. Having an understanding that solid relationships do lose that "newness" after a few years is critical -- losing that feeling isn't a bad thing if you can replace it with something better, like the ability to trust completely, be comfortable, have true intimacy, to understand the necessity of compromise, to disagree without fearing that such disagreement will end the relationship, to know someone so well that you know what she's thinking just by a look, and to know how to tackle problems together are things that don't happen overnight. One rule I live by is never going to bed angry. Also -- never allow yourself to get complacent.

    Romance doesn't have to wane as relationships progress, either. Have dates -- do things that show her you don't take her for granted -- do something special for no reason other than "just because."

    IMO, I think generally that people tend to jump into relationships without knowing what they're getting themselves into -- they overlook red flags or things that bother them hoping to make something work because they want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I think people generally look to someone else to find happiness,when happiness really should be found from within. Successful relationships happen when two people are confident enough in themselves -- in who they are -- and make a concerted effort to abandon a little bit of selfishness to become an "us."
     
    #3
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2015
    Andy86, gr8dane, Farore and 6 others like this.
  4. Johille Anderson

    Johille Anderson Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2015
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    14
    What does it mean for you and your partner to be in a relationship? That's the first step to knowing what it actually means to be together. Now the ideal question is: how much effort(s), hard work or time are you both willing to put in, to stay committed to each other? To love someone is one pillar of the relationship, commitment is the other among many other important ones; but now, what are the remaining elements that makes the pillars to an ideal, mutual and intimate bond or relationship? What would you personally consider them to be? What would they be for your partner? Understanding those first from both sides, makes the coin more valuable when used. Being in relationship is not really all about an expectation of anything or everything from your partner, or simply just expecting them to do the same for (or to) you. Dependency is also the other thing (among many others) that kills majority of most relationships. Why? To answer that, you'll need to re-evaluate what was that one thing (if any) that wasn't right in any relationship you've had till now. What makes me not dependent on my partner, if any? She knows what she wants in life, and you're always there to help her achieve it; and so is the same for, and she's always there to equally help me. Now that's a foundation to commitment. She's might not my partner today, or the person I once gave my heart to, but now something I could call a good memorable experience tomorrow. Every relationship carries its label, responsibilities, and possible consequences if not well nourished. It's not to say that no relationship can last a good proportion of valuable time, it can do. But it needs a whole ton of investment; and anyone can attest to that. The rest of it, now depends on the sense of judgement of each individual (among many others).
     
    #4
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    The idea of "the one," whether for heteros or homos, can be a choice, or it can be a crutch.

    Usually, the one, the soulmate, the perfect match - it's a dangerous idea that lets people off easy from the work of being better people and partners. If there's someone out there who is just right for me, with whom life and love will be easy and effortless because it's destiny, well then: this person who I'm with right now, who sometimes is not perfect and easy to love, she must not be the one! If my soulmate exists, she would be my dream girl - someone who shared my background and interests, who understood my career and my values, and was fun and fit and funny and every other adjective that I think I deserve. This person who I'm with right now is great, but she hates doing the dishes and isn't book smart and her family's a mess, so she must not be the one. As long as I'm comparing her against an impossible measuring stick - my idealized first crush, say - she's going to fall short. I'm not going to see that the ways that she and this relationship don't measure up are partly on me, a failure of perception and a refusal to grow. And I'm never going to have to learn to be more patient, more kind, more careful with her imperfect heart.

    The thing is, though, that even the best partners are human and imperfect, and that love is never 100% easy or without work. When things are hard, you can't always throw in the towel, or add it to your list of disqualifications, because many of those challenges can be lessened or solved with deliberate, loving work - learning to listen, to communicate, to give each other the support that is most meaningful. Assuming positive intent, and working together to bridge difference. Sure, some difference and challenges are not solvable, and some relationships end - but I really believe that if both people are on board, and have made the choice to create something better together, it'll tend to work out. True incompatibility isn't about superficial things; it's about an inability to meet your partner where they are, and commit to the ongoing, joyful, real work of building something solid and loving. No one you date is "the one" until you decide to make them YOUR one, and they decide to make you theirs.

    So, approached with an open mind and a healthy growth mindset, "the one" is a choice - one that requires commitment, patience, work, and a willingness to change and to experience the way love changes over time.

    (I also think that what you're really talking about with "lesbians do this and that" is queer scarcity syndrome, a companion to uhaul disorder. It can be hard to move on when you don't know if you'll ever find another gay lady, but that is becoming less of a risk in the age of online dating and more folks being out. But I think many of those lesbians who you think are settling have instead chosen, and that it's generally a good idea to respect people's agency in their relationships and assume that they are making the choices that are best for them.)
     
    #5
  6. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2015
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    58
    What red flags did you have?
     
    #6
  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    A person is my soulmate is a person whom I have an instant connection with. Someone who makes me believe that there is such a thing as past lives. In some ways I can see what lorienczhiu is saying about it being a dangerous idea. I think I am just immensely fortunate that I feel I have met such a person. We can't be more different in many ways but there is this thing that "gorilla glued" us together the instant we met. We feel something very familiar and it is like we have picked up where we had left off from long ago. It is very instantly passionate but for some reason I am not afraid of it or worry we would just crash and burn. I feel like myself and I feel safe.

    Like I said, we are very different and we go through the usual things that all couples do. Being "soulmates" does not change anything as far as us trying to do our best as partners and be kind to each other and having me recognize whenever I am acting like a dweeb. She is someone I can talk to and bounce just about anything off of. Years on, and I wake up in the scant light in the middle of the night and I don't want to stop looking at her. I don't know what the future will hold but I can't imagine my journey without her.
     
    #7
    rac likes this.
  8. gr8dane

    gr8dane Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2015
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    11
    @Spygirl,
    I have always lived by this... I have to love myself completely before I can love another. Right now I am "dating myself" as in I treat me like I would treat the object of my affection. With the last tumultuous relationship, I drowned. I lost myself and lost sight of what I wanted and needed.

    Dating myself allows me to put me first, figure out what I really want and need from a partner and it allows me to treat myself well, puts me first where before I was so far down the totem pole I lost sight.

    You hit the nail squarely on the noggin...happiness should come from within. And trust my gut. No woman is too hot to ignore red flags. Things don't just magically get better, they just get worse if red flags are ignored.
     
    #8
    greylin and Spygirl like this.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    1,504
    Likes Received:
    618
    My Dad used to say to me "You know 'the one' as they will give you the same feelings that you get when food is brought to your table."
     
    #9
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2015
    Juliet, michelle5, Farore and 4 others like this.
  10. Juliet

    Juliet New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    FWIW, I agree that relationships take work but I prefer the term "maintenance." It is possible to work too hard at something. As for "the one," I believe we all have more than just one "one," although I agree with greylin about having the feeling that you've known one another in a different time and space as a measure of depth of feeling, i.e. "the one."
     
    #10
    greylin likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice