How do I take initiative when I don't know what I'm doing?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Yulia, Dec 3, 2015.

  1. Yulia

    Yulia Member

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    So, I've been dating this girl for about a month now. I'm really into her and I know she feels the same. I've never been in a relationship and I've never let anyone get close to me like I've let her. She's only been in relationships with guys but recently realized she's gay. She's told me she's only slept with one girl and so have I (I've slept with a couple of guys when I was younger, though). I feel like a complete rookie all around. I don't know how to date anyone for this long, I don't know what is supposed to happen when and how. I feel completely overwhelmed at times. I barely ate the first two-three weeks when I first met her because I was so smitten.
    I'm pretty shy and quiet but I feel like we're good at talking about our insecurities or worries when it comes to our relationship. She's told me she feels like she has to take the initiative most times when it comes to kissing and touching. I know she's right but I constantly feel insecure. I know she likes me but for some reason I fear she will reject me. I know it's stupid! I've tried to be better at that - which I think has been semi succesful. But I know the real issue is that we're not being very intimate yet and have not had sex. I know she wants to but she feels insecure because she doesn't know what to do. I feel the same. If something doesn't happen soon I fear we won't make it. But how do I/we go about this? It's difficult to initiate something when you feel insecure and don't really know how to see it through. I really don't want to lose her and I feel like she's starting to give up on us. I know neither of us is feeling as excited about each other as we were a week ago. Things have just kind of slowed down. I don't like thinking that she feels like I don't want her.
    How do I learn to trust that she's into me so I feel more comfortable taking the initiative? And does anyone have any advice for having sex with a girl for the first time? (I'm not expecting it to be perfect, I just want us to feel comfortable and not awkward(!)). Obviously, things aren't perfect between us right now so of course jumping in to bed together isn't on the top of my to-do-list. I just need some advice to feel less insecure about it. I actually feel really foolish for having this problem but it's really bringing me down.
     
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  2. eaura

    eaura Member

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    Firstly - don't spin yourself out over it.. The best thing you can do is calm down and try to relax. Sex after all is best when you stop thinking so much. We've all been there at some point (even lesbians), you're not expected to know what you're doing if it's new to you. It's good that you're both on the same page though so keep being open with communication, even during the act, ask her what's working for her if you're not sure, tell her you want her. Listen to her body too, if she's responding physically, chances are she's into you and by the sounds of it, you already have a clear indication that she's not going to reject you if she's the one initiating. Also, try to put less pressure on the situation by just enjoying each others company and being in the moment with her, take your time. There's a lot to be said for throwing subtle hints out there, if you're shy chances are you don't make a lot of direct eye contact so I'd most def recommend that. The best way to feel more confident with taking the initiative is to just do it.
     
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  3. Queen

    Queen Member

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    I realize it's hard to believe but sex just isn't that complicated, it's two people getting sweaty and enjoying each other physically, it's fun! It can be loving and/or passionate, wild, soft, crazy,tender... No real rules other than being sure what you're doing is mutual, best way to know what someone wants is to ask.
     
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  4. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Just do it.
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Talk to her. There is no magic answer except being honest with yourself and with her. If she means something to you, get over you fear and TALK to her.
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    There is an unnamed elephant in the room with you guys, so name it. Here are some things you could say.
    "Hey, I think you're amazing, and I love the time we spend together. I'd like to take this to the next level and have sex, and I'm feeling a little nervous. What do you think?"
    "I'd like to kiss you, and see what happens next."
    "We have amazing chemistry; I think you feel it too. Do you want to stay over on Thursday?"

    Talking about sex is awkward, and there's cultural expectation that good sex and sexuality is the kind that just happens without anyone one having to say anything - but that is super untrue! Sure, you can feel weird bringing it up against that cultural norm, but I promise, freaking out without your pants off because you feel uncomfortable, pressure to be perfect, and insecure is way more awkward. So just say what you're thinking, trust her when she says she likes you and wants you, and trust that anyone worth being with knows how to be patient and loving and will be cool with some awkwardness or hesitation or stammering come-ons.

    You're in this relationship because you like her; you should have sex with her because you like her and you want to feel good and make her feel good. Presumably she's on the same page. So, how would you feel if she said, "I like you and I want to sleep with you?" Assume that warm fuzzy sweet nervous excitement that bubbles up is what she will be feeling when you broach the topic, and that she is here as your partner-in-crime for this particular adventure, whose goal is make it work and help you along. (If she says something that shows that that isn't her attitude, well, maybe she's not a person you want to be sleeping with.)

    The only part I actually think is a little bit worrisome is this:
    If you're really into her and she's really into you, waiting to have sex shouldn't be the death of your relationship. I've been with amazing people for months before I've been comfortable enough to get naked with them (though I've also had plenty of sex without getting naked, so), and I've also slept with folks on the second date. Both ways of being can be great and healthy and fun. If she is losing interest because you haven't had sex, and the reason that you have not had sex yet is not just nervousness but actually not feeling safe and comfortable (even though you feel clearly that you SHOULD feel safe and comfortable), that's a red flag.

    That could be a total misread, and you could just actually not know that it's okay to say that you want to have sex. and that counts as taking initiative. But just in case.
     
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  7. Yulia

    Yulia Member

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    Thanks, this is really helpful. I know it's not rocket science but it's too easy to feel insecure about something that's new. I guess I'll just have to try to get over myself. I really appreciate your reply!
     
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  8. Yulia

    Yulia Member

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    It's not really the sex thing I feel is the make it or break it thing here. It's more that she often feels like I don't want her even though I compliment her, hug her and now feel more confident kissing her. But I did realize something today. I have been feeling pressured. Not necessarily about sex but just in general. I can't figure out if she's right or if she's moving too fast. She thinks I don't open myself up to her enough and I know I'm a guarded person but it's not like I don't tell her anything. I've actually told her a lot of stuff I don't really talk to anyone about. (I realize I'm getting off topic here but bear with me). She gets insecure about our relationship a lot but she also just asked me to be her girlfriend (which I thought would make us stronger but it hasn't really changed). The day she asked me to be her gf, she already wanted to put it on her facebook which I feel is too soon. It's really confusing. I realize I do need to talk to her about these things but whenever we talk about her moving too fast, I feel that she gets upset. Like I don't want this as much as her. I can't pressure myself into opening up to her. It something that should happen naturally and I feel like she's not being patient or understanding towards me. I feel like she's being more insecure than me and I feel I'm the one to blame. Am I doing something wrong here?
     
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  9. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I don't think so.

    Assuming the best possible intent from your girlfriend, I think that she is feeling just as nervous as you are, but is dealing with it by asking for proof and reassurance, and by moving really fast to a place beyond the uncertainty and insecurity. When relationships rush like this, sometimes it works fine and feels like "first sight;" just as often, though, it creates a shaky foundation of exaggerated declarations and too-soon actions, and leaps past opportunities to build something solid. It's okay if your girlfriend is all in, and it's okay if she has a more anxious attachment style (google it!), but it's not okay if her needs set the pace and tone for your relationship.

    If you do not want to open up all the way yet, if you want to keep some things guarded, if you want to wait until you feel safe to do whatever (sex, serious conversations, intense feelings sharing), you also get to ask for that and have it be respected. Wanting to move at a pace that feels good for you is not you being inconsiderate or selfish or lacking initiative, it's looking out for your own emotional health; that is a good thing! It always sucks to be in a situation where one person wants to move much faster, intimacy-wise, but going along with it past your limits is not a good solution, and makes the short-term relationship easy at the expense of long-term stability.

    If your girlfriend thinks that you expressing your needs and defining your boundaries means your a bad girlfriend, then I can no longer assume the best from her, and we go from accidental miscommunication resulting in pressure to actual manipulation.
     
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  10. Yulia

    Yulia Member

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    I think you're right! I really appreciate you taking the time. I didn't think about it like that. I guess she doesn't really try to understand were I'm coming from because she gets upset and insecure about her own stuff. We had a talk earlier today and things are actually looking really great. It helps a lot being reassured that you're not completely in the wrong.
     
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